Say You Love Me

by J. S. Cooper

  “You noticed all that?”

  “What can I say? I’m observant.” She grinned. “So while I thank you for pretending you thought my choice of breakfast was delicious, I know you didn’t actually think that.”

  “Aww, foiled again. You got me.” I sat back. “So you got any plans for the rest of the day?”

  “Not really.” She shook her head. “You?”

  “I was going to watch the game.”

  “The game?” She looked confused and I laughed. “Basketball?”

  “Nah.” I grinned at her. “It’s football season.”

  “Oh, okay.” She gave me a weak smile. “I had no clue.”

  “It’s okay.” I laughed. “Most girls don’t care.” I paused then. “Wait, some girls care, I know that. Don’t think I’m sexist.”

  “I don’t think you’re sexist.” She grinned. “I don’t care if you think I’m into sports or not. We both know I’m not.”

  “You used to play tennis, though.”

  “Yeah, but I never watched it.” She looked up at me then in surprise. “I can’t believe that you remembered that. I didn’t even play for very long.”

  “There are a lot of things I can remember about you.” I grinned. “A lot of things you wouldn’t want me to bring up to your future husband.”

  “Yeah.” Her expression changed and I wondered if she was worried that I’d let out all of her secrets on her wedding day. My heart started beating erratically as I thought about Sally getting married.

  “I can’t believe that Mila and TJ are getting married,” I said, not enjoying the tightness in my chest. “We’ve gone and lost our best friends.” I tried to laugh, though the noise sounded awkward to my own ears. “What will we do now?” I said again, trying to sound normal. I looked down at the table for a second. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling out of sorts. Maybe I was more upset about TJ and Mila getting married than I’d thought initially.

  Chapter 7

  Sally

  “I guess you’re going to be my new best friend, now that we’ve lost our best friends to each other,” I said to Cody, a huge smile on my face. The smile was there to hide the fact that what I really wanted to do was pull him up and out of his seat, drag him over to me and ask him what it was that he didn’t like about me. Why didn’t he like me? Why didn’t he love me? Why didn’t he want to date me? How could he bring up things he was going to tell or not tell my future husband, while I was here hoping he would tell me he wanted to be my future husband? My heart felt frozen and I knew the smile on my face was fake as hell. I’d thought the breakfast had been going well. Shit, he’d been flirting with me. He’d talked about an orgasm, for heaven’s sake. An orgasm! Who did that if they didn’t like someone? I almost felt like he was playing with me. Testing me to see how I’d react. I wanted to shake him. I wanted to tell him that he couldn’t do this to me. He couldn’t make me think he was interested in one breath and then push me back to the ground in the next. “Sally and Cody, best friends forever.” I said the words like I was some little kid on the playground. I wasn’t even sure where they’d come from. Was I showing all my cards too soon? Was he going to think I was some sort of weirdo? I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth that I’d made a mistake. A big, stupid mistake. A mistake that could cost me all the peace of mind I had left. Yet, a part of me didn’t care. If I was going with this plan, I might as well just go with it and see what would happen.

  “Yeah.” He nodded and smiled back at me. “I guess you’re my best buddy now.” He slapped his hand down on top of my hand and I almost jumped at the contact. My heart started thudding erratically at the feel of his warm, strong hands on mine, and I could feel my body growing warm. “You going to be my wing woman as well, then?” he said with another huge grin, and my stomach dropped almost immediately.

  “Sure,” I said, my heart both breaking and rejoicing at the same time. The feel of his hand next to mine was amazing, made me feel alive, but the pain that was striking through my entire existence at his asking me to be his wing woman was almost excruciating. How could he be thinking of other women in this moment? Couldn’t he feel our connection? How could I be the only one seeing this? Just being around him gave me energy and life. Yet, he didn’t seem to be affected by me at all. I blinked up at him then and I wondered to myself if I was going crazy. If I had somehow let some alien into my life. How could I be so attached and attuned to him? How could I be feeling all these emotions? So many ups and downs and he—he just seemed to be feeling nothing. It made absolutely no sense to me. Absolutely no sense at all.

  Part 2

  Nothingness. Love. The depths of the ocean. The call of the wild. The trees in the forest. The majestic evergreen of the mountain. The brown ridges creating lines that could be seen from the other side of town, hundreds of miles away. The white snowcaps teasing me, begging me to come play. Her voice softly calling to me. Death. Life. The gentle sweetness of a first kiss. The breaking of a heart. The depths of my soul. The number of times I’ve wanted to say sorry. Emptiness. The feeling inside my stomach as I lie in bed thinking, thinking, thinking. Wondering. Loving her more than I’ve ever thought was possible. Losing her to another. Desperately trying to figure out if I can reclaim her heart. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

  She was mine. I was hers. We were us. And I screwed it all up.

  Chapter 8

  Sally

  The moment I knew Cody and I had developed a genuine deep friendship was the first night we spent together. And I don’t mean spent as in wham-bam, thank you, ma’am, screaming orgasms and strawberries and whipped cream. Though I wouldn’t have said no to any of those things—let’s be honest. No, I mean, spent the night as in we were in the same bed together and I felt his body close to mine (it was heaven and hell at the same time).

  It was a couple of nights ago. We’d gone out to dinner because that’s what we do now; we go to dinner weekly to catch up. Don’t ask! It sounds better than it is. It’s great being around him, but it sucks because nothing ever happens. He doesn’t try and kiss me. He doesn’t try and take my hand. He doesn’t try and do anything. And of course, I don’t either. I mean, I’ve thought about it. I’ve dreamed about grabbing him and kissing him and sucking his tongue and putting my hands through his hair, but my nerves and fear of rejection have stopped me. Being rejected sucks, but being rejected by your new quasi-best-friend would suck even more.

  But I digress; back to that night.

  We’d gone out to dinner and had a few drinks and Cody had asked if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie. Of course, I’d said yes. And of course, I’d been hoping that “watch a movie” had been some sort of code word to fucking my brains out. I know, I know, I’m getting crude, but you can only be around a sexy man for so long without starting to feel like you’re going to go out of your mind. But alas, alack, watching a movie meant just that.

  We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes, you read that correctly. He let me choose the movie. I’m not sure why he let me pick and I’m not sure why I chose that one, but I did. A friend of mine had told me it was a good movie, so I decided, hey, why not watch it now? Not the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s a great movie, but emotional. Full of angst and love and hate and anger and pain and soul-matey stuff that I didn’t need to be watching with Cody. And of course, I started crying. I started crying for the characters and I started crying for myself. I wanted someone to love me enough to be so caught up in me that he would want to erase me from his mind to stop the pain. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be loved that much? I mean, I know it’s not healthy. I know my views are skewed. I know I have some issues, but don’t we all?

  There was this one scene where one of the characters said something like, “I’m erasing you, and I’m happy,” and it made me burst into tears right away because I’d just been having thoughts about wanting to erase Cody from my mind that morning. Cody’s face had looked at me in shock and I could see that I was ma
king him uncomfortable.

  “You okay?” he asked me with a worried expression. I had started crying even more then because he’d been so genuine and caring. Not teasing at all, but truly worried. Truly searching in my eyes to see if I was okay.

  “Yeah.” I nodded and gulped. “It’s just a sad movie.”

  “It’s just a movie though, Sally.” He put his arm around me awkwardly and pulled me into his arms, so that I could rest my head against his chest.

  “I know,” I said and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of his chest against the side of my face. His body was so warm and comforting and it made me feel wonderful. “It’s just hard to see when people who are so in love fall apart from each other.”

  “Yeah, that’s love, I suppose,” Cody said softly. “Love is a temporary emotion. And so when people invest everything they have into something that is temporary, of course it will be devastating when it flees.”

  “You think love is temporary?” I said, my heart stilling as I listened to him. I could feel his hands rubbing my back.

  “I don’t think that true love is real and I don’t think that any emotion lasts forever,” he said simply and I swore I felt his lips on the top of my head, though I could have been imagining it.

  “I like to think that there are true loves that last forever,” I said, looking up at him. “That there is someone perfect made for us.”

  “That’s why you’re awesome,” he said and grinned down at me. “And I’m sure that one day, you will find someone who will love you forever and ever.”

  “Thank you,” I said, trying not to let the sadness sweep over me again. I couldn’t allow him to keep dictating my moods. And I just needed to appreciate the fact that we were getting closer and we were getting to be better friends.

  “Wanna watch the rest of the movie in bed?” he asked me questioningly. “No funny business, I promise, but it might be more comfortable.”

  “Hmm, let me think,” I said with a smile, my heart racing as I gazed up at him. I could feel his palms on my waist and I could feel his body moving back and forth against mine as he breathed. This was the closest we’d been for the longest amount of time and I was enjoying it. Even if it wasn’t romantic or sexual. It was close. And I was craving being close to him. In fact this was one of the best feelings I’d ever felt in my life.

  “I have popcorn.” He laughed. “And wine. And we can watch another movie. Or we can talk.”

  “Talk?” I laughed. “Talk about what?”

  “Whatever you want.” He made a face. “I know you girls like to talk.”

  “And you guys don’t?” I grinned at him, wiping the tears from my eyes, feeling light all of a sudden.

  “Oh, we talk, but not about the same crap you girls talk about.” He grinned at me. “I talk about sports, beer, work, movies, and you girls talk about feelings and all that crap. You’d better believe TJ and I don’t talk about that shit.”

  “But you’re willing to talk about that with me? Aww, aren’t I lucky?”

  “Well, I want to be a good friend.” He looked at me sincerely. “I’ll try my best.”

  “Thanks, Cody,” I said and then nodded. “Sure. Let’s move to the bedroom, though I get to choose which side of the bed I want.”

  “Of course, my dear,” he said and grabbed my hand as we jumped off of the couch. We settled into his bed a few minutes later, laden with popcorn, potato chips, wine, beer and some chocolate, and settled into watching the movie, sitting side-by-side and leaning back against the wall. And when the movie was done, we lay down and stared at each other and just talked and talked. We talked about everything: Kant’s philosophies, our views on Israel and Palestine, his favorite football team, politics, my favorite movies, we talked about our favorite books, and at the end of the night as we both started getting sleepy and our eyes were drooping, he leaned forward and gave me a firm kiss on the lips and whispered. “You’re fast becoming one of my favorite people, Sally, one of my absolute favorites.” And I closed my eyes then and smiled to myself. I drifted off to sleep the happiest I’d been in months. That was when I knew that I’d wormed my way into Cody’s heart in some way. Even if it wasn’t exactly in the way I’d hoped for.

  * * *

  I'm going to give you some advice. Don't play games with guys. Even if you don't think you're playing a game, think about what you're doing very carefully — very, very carefully. Guys aren't like girls. They don't analyze. They certainly don't overanalyze and they take what we say and think that's exactly what we mean. Even if the dumbest pig in Siberia knew that we were being ironic or sarcastic, a man would take us at our word. Like Cody, he took me at my word when I told him I thought we should be best friends. I knew and Mila knew and anyone with half a brain knew that I meant best friends that were also in love, but no — not Cody. He took my words literally. He really thought that I wanted to be best friends and everything else that went along with that. And now, well now, here I am, surrounded by the man of my dreams day and night and hating my life. All because I decided to tell a porky pie to get closer to him. That's all I wanted. Just to spend time with him. I just wanted him to get to know me better. I wanted him to fall in love with me. I wanted him to see how perfect I was for him.

  But no, that's not what happened. Sure, he thinks I'm 'awesome' and we're closer now than we've ever been, but not in the way that I want. Not in the way that makes my heart thud. My heart does thud still. But generally in a sad way now. And I cry myself to sleep many nights because I realize that I'm further away from him than I've ever been. Now that we're better friends, I realize that, one, I'm not his type, two, we don't have much in common and, three, he hasn't been, as I'd secretly hoped, been harboring a secret crush on me for years. At least I don’t think he has.

  I could hear Cody banging around in the kitchen as I sat and waited for him to finish what he was doing. We had spent the afternoon doing a crossword puzzle together and now I was on his laptop looking up movie times. And of course, I just happened to click around and boom, up came his OkCupid account. It wasn’t that I didn’t know he was online dating. Of course, I knew. We’d talked about dating casually. And how we’d joined online dating sites and we’d laughed about all the odd people we’d seen online. That hadn’t made me feel bad because that wasn’t real and there had been no faces to put to mind. And no actual dates were talked about. Yes, I’d helped him write a profile, but that had made me feel closer to him because we had laughed and joked around about what he was looking for and his interests. But now that I had his profile up on the screen and I could see that he was actively on the site and messaging and talking to people, it was another story. Heat rose through my face as my stomach grumbled in emptiness. I could feel my head starting to spin as I swallowed, my heart feeling empty, the pain wallowing through me almost too much to bear as I read some of the messages on the screen. I knew I was invading his privacy and I knew that I deserved the pain I was experiencing for being so nosey, but I just couldn’t stop myself.

  "You nearly ready, Sally?" Cody's voice was warm as he stood in the doorway looking at me. "I told TJ and Mila we'd be there at seven and I still have to pick some other friends up."

  "Yeah, gimme a minute." I gave him a weak smile and looked back at the computer screen. Cody had left open his OkCupid dating account on the screen and I could see all the women he'd been exchanging messages with. I scrolled through the page to see what they looked like, unable to stop myself, even though I knew I shouldn't. I then clicked to see the girls he'd liked. My stomach dropped as I stared at all their beautiful faces. They all looked the same: long, dark, straight hair, big blue eyes, fine beautiful features, all were skinny and all had that “I'm cool, look at me” look on their faces. I could feel embarrassment sweeping through me as it hit me, maybe for the first time, that I was just not Cody's type. Not at all. Nothing about me fit what he was looking for in a woman. I wasn't sure how I'd missed that fact. I knew I shouldn’t read the messages, but I couldn�
�t stop myself.

  “What movies are showing?”

  “What?” I blinked up at him.

  “Aren’t you looking up movie times?” He walked towards me and my heart stopped as I clicked on a new tab and typed in “movie times” quickly into Google.

  “Yeah, yeah, sorry, I put in the wrong zip code.” I said lamely. “Let me check the right one now.”

  “Okay.” He nodded. “Let me go and call TJ and tell them we’re running late.”

  “Sure, and sorry about the delay. My head has been all over the place lately.”

  “Hey, no worries, Sally.” He gave me a huge smile and my heart melted, even though I was in a really low place. “We’ll get there.”

  “Yeah, we will.”

  “And you know I’m here to talk if you ever need someone, right?”

  “Yeah, I know.” I nodded. “Thanks.” I watched as he headed out of the room and I tried not to cry. This whole situation was a lot harder than I’d thought it was going to be. I was getting to know Cody on a deeper level and I was falling for him harder and harder. Only, he wasn’t falling for me. Yes, he was growing closer to me. Yes, I knew he saw me in a different light now, but I also knew that wasn’t a romantic light. I just wanted him to pull me closer to him. I wanted him to kiss me, to touch me, to want me; yet, he seemed to have no interest in growing closer to me in that way and that killed me. And I knew that if it didn’t kill me, it would just leave me empty and alone. I wanted to slap myself. I needed to get some self-respect. I needed to grow some self-esteem. I needed to love myself enough to accept that he just didn’t want me that way and I needed to move on with my life. Or at least stop whining to myself. I was getting fed up of my own tears and heartache. I just needed to get over it already.