Tools of Ignorance: Lisa's Story

by Barbara L. Clanton

Lisa nodded. “What’s his last name?”

  “Dowell.”

  Lisa watched the houses go by in the darkness for a moment. She turned to face her mother. “Why’d he leave you, Mom? I mean you were so young and alone. You must have been so scared.”

  “You know, I was scared at first, but I had Grandma and Grandpa. They were so supportive that I knew it would be okay. I didn’t start showing until after graduation, so that helped, too.”

  “Did you ever think about,” Lisa looked down at her hands, “you know.”

  “Having an abortion?”

  “Yeah,” Lisa said quietly and looked up at her mother.

  “Not for a second.” Her mother caught her gaze and smiled. She looked back to the road and both were quiet for a few minutes. Both she and her mother were pro-choice when it came to women making decisions about their own bodies, but she was relieved to hear that her mother hadn’t considered an abortion.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes, honey?”

  “Why did William leave you?”

  Her mother sighed. “Well, when I told him I was pregnant he said he wasn’t ready to be a dad. We sat down with his parents and with Grandma and Grandpa and decided that I’d have the baby on my own. With my parents help, of course.”

  “Didn’t that make you mad? That he had nothing to do with any of it?” Lisa couldn’t believe somebody would just leave like that.

  “I was relieved, actually.”

  “How come?”

  “I didn’t want to marry him. I wasn’t in love with him anymore. We were heading for a break up when I realized I was pregnant with you.”

  Lisa looked out the window. “Mom, I don’t know if I want to meet him.”

  “You don’t have to decide right now, okay?”

  Lisa nodded. “Okay.”

  Her mother added, “But I think he’s coming from a sincere place now.”

  “I have to think about it, Mom.”

  A thousand different thoughts swirled around in her mind. What would she say to him? What would her real father think? How would Lynnie and Lawrence Jr., and Bridget react? Did he look so familiar because she saw herself in him?

  “Mom, does Papa know William wants to meet me?”

  Her mother shook her head. “I’m going to break it to him on Friday when you leave on the bus for Binghamton.”

  Lisa felt an ache in her chest. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt her father.

  Her mother pulled the minivan up the driveway and turned off the engine. They went inside the house, and Lisa went straight to her room. She laughed when she saw Bridget sleeping soundly in the wrong bed. Apparently her little sister had been trying to wait up, but couldn’t stay awake. Lisa took a quick shower and then got in bed next to her sister. The pain she felt about possibly hurting her family subsided somewhat.

  THE NEXT DAY, Lisa tried to stay upbeat and positive during her last day of classes and then later at practice. No one seemed to notice that she was preoccupied, thank goodness. After dinner, her mother let her skip her usual dish washing chore to get caught up on homework. After an hour and a half of homework, she’d had her fill and went outside to call Sam. Her mother didn’t make a fuss, because she must have known Lisa was bursting to talk to someone. Lisa strolled to the deserted playground trying to figure out what to say to Sam.

  She jumped up on a swing. The distant street light was the only source of light in the darkness. A few bats flitted overhead diving for insects.

  She slid open her phone and said, “Sam.”

  Sam picked up on the other end almost instantly.

  “Well, hi stranger,” Sam said, her voice happy.

  “Hi.” Lisa pushed off the ground and let her feet dangle as she swung back and forth.

  “I love this new cell phone of yours. I get to talk to you more. Are you ready for tomorrow’s big bus ride?”

  “Um hmm.” Lisa’s chest tightened, and she started to cry into the phone.

  “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”

  Lisa swallowed hard and choked out, “No.”

  “Okay, I’m putting my shoes on and getting my car keys. I can be there in forty minutes.”

  “Oh, no, Sam. I’ll be okay, really. I just didn’t know who else to talk to.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive out there?”

  “I’ll be okay, I guess.”

  “Well, if I were there I’d pull you into my arms right now.”

  Lisa took a breath. “And I’d snuggle into you and lay my head on your shoulder.”

  “And, then I’d start stroking your back. So, now that I’m holding you tight, tell me what’s wrong.”

  Lisa’s face scrunched up again as she tried not to cry. It didn’t work. She knew Sam heard it.

  Sam said softly, “And right now, I’m kissing your tears away.”

  “Um hmm.” Lisa’s throat was still tight.

  “Oh, Lisa, c’mon, what’s wrong? I know you’re not upset about the playoffs in Binghamton tomorrow.”

  “No.”

  “You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

  “Oh, no, Sam. I—” She had been about to say, “I love you,” but stopped herself. Instead she said, “Never.” She attempted a smile hoping Sam would hear it on the other end. “It’s nothing like that. I just…” God, where to start?

  “What, baby?”

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you.” Lisa pushed herself higher on the swing. “My father isn’t…” She took a big breath. “My father isn’t my father.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, my mom is my biological mom, but my father isn’t.”

  “Oh,” Sam said with understanding. “Did you just find out?”

  “No. My father married my mom when I was six. Lynnie, Lawrence Jr., and Bridget are all his. They don’t know that I’m not their full sister, though, and I don’t want them to ever find out.”

  “Is that what’s got you so upset?” Lisa heard the sympathy in Sam’s voice.

  “Partly.” Lisa felt her chest tighten again.

  “Okay, and now I’m stroking your cheek. Ooh, maybe I should be kissing you.”

  Lisa laughed. “Geez, what took you so long?”

  Sam laughed. “There you go. That’s my Lisa. So what else has you upset?”

  “Well, nobody knows that my father isn’t my father, except you now.”

  “It’ll be our secret.”

  “Thanks. He adopted me, you know.” As soon as she said that, everything came bubbling up to the surface, and she told Sam some of the things her mother had told her the night before. “I feel so stupid thinking my bio dad was some college scout.” She took a deep breath. “He wants to meet me.”

  “Whoa. Why now?”

  “He’s getting married and wants to be honest with his new wife or something. I’m not sure if I’m ready to meet him, though.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  “I mean, I used to bug my mom about him all the time, but she kept telling me to stop thinking about him. When I wouldn’t let up, she’d say we shouldn’t make my father, my real father, I mean my…” Lisa groaned. She didn’t know what to call him.

  “Lawrence Brown, Sr. is your real father, Lisa. He always will be.”

  “I know. I guess maybe that’s why I’m so upset. I love my dad, and I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want Lynnie and Lawrence Jr. and Bridget to get confused, either. It’s such bad timing.”

  “I just kissed the palm of your hand.”

  Lisa smiled, “Thanks.”

  “You know what?”

  “What.”

  “I think any time would be bad timing for something like this.”

  “I guess.”

  “Hey,” Sam said, her voice upbeat, “I’ve got an idea.”

  “What?” Lisa put her feet out to stop the swing.

  “You referred to William Dowell as your bio dad earlier, so why don’t we just call him y
our ‘bd,’ just to keep things straight.”

  “My bd?” Lisa laughed. “Okay, but that’s the only straight thing I ever want to do.”

  “Same.” Sam laughed.

  Lisa’s heart swelled at the sound of Sam’s laugh. “Sam?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Promise me we’ll always be honest with each other.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Lisa stood up, opened the gate to the playground, and headed toward home. The moonless night would have made her feel lonely, but Sam was her lifeline. “I want to know everything about you, Sam. I want to meet your parents and see your house. I want to meet your nanny, too.”

  “Absolutely. When school’s out, I’ll pick you up and bring you to my house. We can spend the whole day out here. That way you can see and know everything about me.” There was something in Sam’s voice that Lisa couldn’t quite put her finger on. It almost sounded like resignation, like Sam didn’t really want Lisa to come over.

  “Are you sure?” Lisa asked tentatively.

  “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I don’t know,” Lisa said. She must have misread Sam’s tone. “Maybe Marlee could drop me off, so you wouldn’t have to come all the way out here to be my chauffeur.”

  “I didn’t know Marlee had her license already.”

  Lisa laughed. “Actually she doesn’t have it yet. She was supposed to get it on Monday, but we played Overton Corners that day, and since we keep winning, she can’t get out to the DMV in East Valley to take her test.”

  “Bummer.”

  Lisa paused for a second. “Sam?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry I’m such a downer tonight. It doesn’t exactly set the mood, does it?”

  “Lisa, everything doesn’t have to lead to me taking your clothes off. Even over the phone.” She laughed. “I mean, that part is amazing actually, but it’s only a small part of why I like being with you.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course, but right now I’m putting my arms around your neck and kissing you.”

  “Mmm, that’s nice. I’m kissing you back.” Lisa felt a shiver as she imagined kissing Sam.

  “Mmm.”

  “I wish you were here, Sam.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I guess I’ll see you in Binghamton on Saturday.”

  Sam laughed. “Oh, great. Now I’m a softball wife.”

  “Could you imagine if we combined our teams? An East Valley and Clarksonville merge? We would be so awesome. Susie in left, you at second, me catching, and Marlee pitching.”

  “Let’s do it this summer.”

  “What d’ya mean?”

  “Well,” Sam said, “Susie, Christy, and I play for a traveling team. Coach Gellar is always looking for good players. You guys should play with us.”

  Lisa’s spirits lifted. “That’d be so cool. I’ll ask my Mom and Dad. Hey, maybe I can see you after church on Sunday. We can, uh, you know go for a drive and stuff.”

  “Mmm, the ‘and stuff’ part sounds yummy.”

  She paused on the front stoop. “Okay. I’ll text you tomorrow when we’re on the bus.”

  “Goodnight, baby.”

  “Goodnight.” Lisa wanted to add, “I love you,” but didn’t. She hung up her phone and smiled. It felt great to finally tell somebody about her bio dad, her bd. A great weight she hadn’t known she’d been carrying lessened slightly.

  LISA PLOPPED DOWN on the bed in the Binghamton Oaks Motel and closed her eyes. She hadn’t slept well the night before worrying about meeting her bio dad. She tried to sleep for at least part of the four hour trip on the bus, but couldn’t pass up Julie’s and Marlee’s help with geometry.

  She had just dozed off when Marlee threw a towel on her. “Lisa, c’mon. Coach wants us changed for practice and on the bus in five minutes.”

  “Okay, Mom, I’m up.” Lisa sat up and rubbed her eyes.

  “Oh, man. You look terrible.”

  Lisa threw the towel back at Marlee. “Thanks a lot.”

  Marlee laughed. “Did I wear you out exposing the secrets of geometry proofs to you?”

  “No.” Lisa stood up and stretched. “I didn’t sleep well.” She didn’t elaborate, and Marlee didn’t ask. What would she have told Marlee, anyway? That her bio dad showed up out of the blue and wanted to get back in her life? She wasn’t ready to reveal that big secret to her friends yet, other than Sam.

  “Hopefully, you’ll sleep better tonight.” Marlee grabbed her softball bag and headed toward the door. “I’m gonna head to the bus, okay?”

  Lisa nodded. Once Marlee left, Lisa threw some cold water on her face and then changed into her practice clothes. She ran to the parking lot with her softball bag slung over her arm. Coach Spears gave her a stern look when she walked up late.

  The Binghamton Softball Complex was a short five minute ride from the motel. Lisa was still in slow motion, so she and Marlee were the last ones to step off the bus.

  Lisa whistled when she saw the meticulously groomed fields. “Maybe someday our field can look like that.”

  “Pfft,” Marlee spat. “Not in our lifetime.”

  “Yeah, what was I thinking?”

  They walked up the pathway between fields one and four toward the concession stand at the geometric center of the complex.

  Lisa’s stomach fluttered when she saw that a couple teams were already practicing. “I can’t believe we’re in the state playoffs.”

  “I know. It’s surreal. Somebody needs to pinch me.” Marlee blew out a sigh.

  Lisa laughed. “Nah, I don’t usually pinch people I like.”

  “Yeah, actually, I kind of want to take that part back.” Marlee pointed to their teammates who had gathered around a wooden A-frame sign in the middle of the walkway. “What’s everybody looking at?”

  “The brackets, I think.”

  “Oh, cool.”

  Their teammates moved on toward field three, their assigned practice field, so Lisa and Marlee had the sign to themselves.

  Lisa pointed. “Look, here’s where we beat Overton Corners in the first round, and then Whickett in the quarterfinals.”

  “Final four, man.”

  Lisa bumped fists with Marlee and then followed the bracket to their next game. “We play Central Leatherstocking High School at nine tomorrow.”

  “Who do we play after we win that game?”

  Lisa raised an eyebrow at Marlee. “Geez, optimist much?”

  “Why not?”

  “Okay then. Let me see.” Lisa moved her finger to the other side of the bracket. “Looks like we play the winner of tomorrow’s eleven o’clock game. That’ll be either Arsdale High School or—oh, crap.” She leaped away from the sign as if bitten.

  “What’s wrong? You look like you got shocked or something.”

  Lisa pointed to the sign.

  “Brookhaven High School?” Marlee clearly didn’t understand.

  “Tara’s school.”

  Marlee’s eyes grew wide. “Tara as in ex-girlfriend Tara?”

  Lisa nodded. She grabbed the bracket board and took a deep breath. Seeing Tara was the last thing she needed on top of everything else.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Central Leatherstocking

  LISA SOMEHOW MANAGED to get a decent night’s sleep in the motel, and felt infinitely better when she woke on Saturday morning.

  “C’mon, slowpoke,” Lisa said to Marlee. “I need to be the first one on the bus so Coach doesn’t give me the hairy eyeball again.” She held the door to their motel room open.

  “Okay, okay.” Marlee grabbed her softball bag and her small suitcase and slid past Lisa in the doorway. She looked up. “Oh, man. What a great day to play.”

  “I know. Blue skies, puffy white clouds that better not have a single drop of rain in them.”

  “Yeah, really.”

  The bus driver opened the door to the bus and let Lisa and Marlee in. Besides the driver, the bus was empty, and
they made their way to their usual seats. Coach Spears stepped on the bus barely a minute later and looked surprised to see them. She winked at Lisa and then turned away to go over their schedule with the bus driver.

  The rest of her teammates trickled on the bus and within fifteen minutes they pulled up to the Binghamton Softball Complex. Lisa looked around for Tara. There was no sign of her, thank God. She didn’t see Sam or her parents, either, but that was probably for the best for now, because she had to find a way to focus her attention on the game against Central Leatherstocking High School.

  She and Marlee warmed up in the pitcher’s area, and then Lisa helped Coach Spears with the infield and outfield warm ups. Once they were through, Lisa grabbed the bag of balls and headed back to the dugout. Her family was just walking up.

  “Hi Mom. Hi Papa,” she called.

  “Hi, honey.” Her mother waved. “Play well.”

  Her father ushered Lynnie, Lawrence Jr., and Bridget ahead of him to a front row spot on the bleachers. “Do Clarksonville proud, honey.”

  “Will do, Papa.”

  Bridget saw her and broke free of her father’s grip to rush the fence. “Hi, Weesa.”

  Lisa squatted down in front of her littlest sister. “Hi, Sweetpea. That was a long car ride, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah, Warence spilled his juice all over. Mama got so mad.”

  “I bet she did.”

  Marlee walked up behind Lisa and pointed toward the stands. “Hey, there’s that college scout.”

  Lisa looked up and saw William, her bio dad, sitting on the far end of the bleachers. “Oh, yeah.”

  Marlee smacked her on the arm. “I’ll be in the dugout.”

  “Okay.”

  Lisa stood up. “Hey, Bridget, go on back to Papa. I have to go play now.”

  “Okay, bye.” Bridget ran back to their father.

  Lisa knelt down by the fence and retied her cleats one at a time. In actuality, she was really watching her bio dad out of the corner of her eye. He was focused on his cell phone, so he didn’t see her watching him. Lisa wondered if she had inherited his dark black hair. And his chin. Yeah, she definitely had his chin. She couldn’t get a good look at his eyes under his glasses, but she wondered if she had his brown eyes, too. He flipped his phone shut, so she looked away quickly and hoped he hadn’t seen her watching him.