The Courage to Dream

by Margaret Daley

  “I thought you were okay about this?”

  “How? Did you ever really talk to me about it?”

  “I’ve got to go. The boat’s leaving to go back upriver. We’ll talk when I get to the States.”

  Before Rachel could say, “Don’t bother,” the line went dead.

  Tears pooled in Rachel’s eyes as she stared at the phone. She didn’t understand where the tears were coming from. She had long ago given up crying over a situation that would never change. She and her siblings were a burden. She just hated having it confirmed again. Why was she still trying to have a relationship with her mother when it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen?

  “Rachel, where are you?” Helen called from the living room.

  Rachel rubbed her hand across her wet cheeks, hoping to erase any evidence that she cared what her parents thought or did.

  “There you are.” Helen stood in the doorway into the kitchen, her eyes narrowing on Rachel. “You’ve been crying.”

  “No, I just got something in my eye.” Rachel hurriedly stood.

  “When you’re ready to tell me, I’m all ears. Is it Michael?”

  Rachel shook her head.

  “Amy?”

  Rachel turned and leaned against the counter, her hands grasping its edge. “You aren’t going to let this go until I tell you?”

  “Confession is good for the soul.”

  “I’m not ready yet.” She had a hard time telling anyone that her parents had rejected her and wanted nothing to do with her, Amy or Shaun.

  Helen threw up her hands. “Okay. I’ll mind my own business.”

  “Now, that will be a first.”

  Helen glanced at all the food ready to go. “I’m sorry I’m late, but I got held up at the café.” Helen picked up a box of food. “Here, the least I can do is help you load this into your car. I’m sure there’s a lot to do at the boat. We only have a few hours left.”

  After Helen helped load the car, she followed Rachel to the pier. Michael came down to the landing and started carrying the boxes of food to the main salon.

  “Where’s Kevin?” Rachel asked after everything was on the boat.

  “He went to pick up some of the kids,” Michael said. “He didn’t want a lot of cars near the landing. Do you have everything you need for the party?”

  “All except Amy and her friends.”

  He stared at her, his gaze intent, probing. “Something’s wrong. What is it?”

  Her eyes widened. Michael had always had a sixth sense when it came to her moods. No matter how hard she tried to hide her feelings from him, he could tell. Rachel’s teeth dug into her lower lip as she debated how much to tell him. She decided to reveal part of the problem. “I received a phone call from my mother today.”

  “Is she coming for Amy and Shaun?”

  Rachel shook her head. “No, but she’s coming to sign the papers Robert told her were necessary for me to be their guardian. She doesn’t want them to live with her and Dad. Of course, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Amy would really protest that move, and the conditions my parents live in aren’t the best.” Her chest constricted, and her lungs burned.

  Suddenly, she needed some fresh air. She escaped to the deck and took a deep breath. Michael’s hands settled on her shoulders, and he drew her against him. He felt strong, capable—steady. He was a man who would never turn his back on his family. He would do anything for his child.

  “Is there something else?” Michael asked, his fingers kneading the tightness in her shoulders.

  She flinched and was glad he couldn’t see her expression. She wasn’t ready to share her good news about the restaurant deal. “Isn’t that enough?”

  “Are you going to tell Amy and Shaun about the call?”

  “No, I don’t want them to be hurt.”

  “Like you?”

  “Yes, like me,” she murmured, realizing she was finally speaking about her feelings concerning her parents.

  Even Aunt Flora hadn’t realized the depth of Rachel’s despair over her parents’ rejection. She’d always tried to put up a brave front when the subject of her parents had come up. She was tired of denying her hurt and anger. Over the past weeks Rachel’s idea of family had shifted. It wasn’t okay that her parents didn’t have time for their children.

  “The day my mother brought Amy and me to Aunt Flora’s was one of the saddest days of my life. At the time I didn’t realize that my aunt would be the best thing for Amy and me. All my life I had been shuffled from one place to the next, never able to make friends because I didn’t stay in one place long enough. Then my mother left us with Aunt Flora, expecting us to settle down and be happy and content to make our home with her older sister. It never happened for me. I didn’t know how to settle down. I had never learned how to.” Tears cascaded down her cheeks.

  Not saying a word, Michael continued to massage her tensed shoulders.

  She knuckled her tears away, but they still flowed. “As a little girl I used to dream of the Ozzie and Harriet type of family, but I gave that dream up a long time ago. I’m not cut out to be part of a family like that.”

  He turned her to face him. “Why not?”

  “Because I can’t make that kind of commitment. You, of all people, should know that.”

  He took a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped her tears from her face. “Then what do you plan on doing about Amy and Shaun?”

  “What I’m doing now. I’ll love them the best way I can and hope it’s enough. I’m just not very good at this sort of thing.”

  “That’s how I felt when Mary Lou left me to raise Garrett all by myself.”

  “Then there’s hope. Look at you now. You’re a great father. He adores you.”

  “But it wasn’t easy.”

  “Is that why you’re so angry that Mary Lou is back in Garrett’s life?”

  Surprise flashed in his eyes. “Yes, I think that’s part of it. She wasn’t around for six years and now she wants to waltz right back in and pick up where she left off without having done any of the hard work it takes to raise a child.”

  Rachel cupped his face with one hand and with the other urged him closer to her until their mouths touched. His kiss was a gentle reminder of what kind of person he was. He was a good man who deserved a woman who could love him with no reservations, who could totally commit to him. Times like this she wished she could be that woman.

  “You know, we’re more alike than you and I ever thought, Rachel. For years after my mother died, I fought my feelings of abandonment. At six she was such an important part of my life that I couldn’t understand why God took her away from me. I needed my mother. I was angry at God for a while. Then my father made me realize that my mother would never be gone as long as I could remember her. She was with God, and I would be reunited with her one day.”

  Rachel pulled back and stared into Michael’s eyes, filled with a sadness she’d glimpsed from time to time. “But your mother never had a choice. Mine does. She chooses not to be a part of our lives. And you had your father to comfort you.”

  “Yes, but when I was six, none of that mattered. My mother was gone. I realize our situations are different, but the emotions are the same.”

  “And I made everything worse. I left you not six months after your father passed away. I’m sorry.” She clenched his shoulders, hoping to convey in her touch how much she wished she hadn’t hurt him all those years ago.

  He blinked, erasing any evidence of sorrow. “My point in telling you this is that you’ll have to deal with your parents’ abandonment or it will haunt you and influence everything you do.”

  “Is that experience talking?”

  His nod was curt. “I’m still working on it.”

  “Because of me and Mary Lou.”

  “My dream was to put down roots here in Magnolia Blossom and raise a large family—the more children the merrier.”

  “Whereas I’ve always run from commitment because of my childhood
.”

  The smile he gave her was mocking. “I guess we’ve handled our issues of abandonment differently. But, Rachel, praying has helped me through the rough times.”

  “Our guests are arriving,” Helen announced from the doorway into the main salon.

  Michael rested his forehead against Rachel’s, his hands buried in her hair. “I know you’ll do what’s right for Amy and Shaun. They’re lucky to have you for a sister. We’ll talk some more later.”

  Rachel stepped away from the comfort of Michael’s touch. She wished she had his kind of faith. She wished it were as simple as turning to God to erase the feelings churning inside her. Maybe praying could help her, too, Rachel thought, grasping on to a seed of hope and holding tight.

  * * *

  When Amy walked into the main salon thirty minutes later, Rachel realized all her hard work had been worth it. After her initial shock, Amy had a big grin on her face as her friends swarmed around her congratulating her. Rachel had never seen her sister so happy.

  One of the teenagers cranked up the volume on the CD player, and the sounds of pop rock bounced off the walls. Rachel stood back from the group and watched her sister interact with her friends. None of Amy’s hostility was evident, and Rachel wished it could be different between her and her sister.

  “Do you want to dance?” Michael all but shouted in her ear.

  “I never learned to dance.”

  “There’s not much to it. You move to the beat. Anything goes.” He tugged on her arms. “Come on. Besides, I bribed them to play a slow dance right about now.”

  The music changed to a soft melody that Rachel would have called music. Michael pulled her into his arms and began to move to the slow beat. Rachel locked her arms about his neck and allowed the rhythm to flow through her body as she swayed.

  “See, this isn’t so bad. We can carry on a conversation without shouting.” He leaned back slightly to look at her. “I’d have thought you would have learned to dance by now.”

  “Never had the time.”

  “What have you been doing with your time besides cooking?”

  “Not much else. Sometimes when I’m in a new place, I sightsee, sample the local foods, that sort of thing.”

  “Have you ever been serious about anyone?”

  “No. I’m never in any one place long enough.”

  “You have been running fast. What’s going to happen when life catches up with you?”

  Rachel stiffened within the circle of Michael’s arms. “It’s not going to. I’m very good at evading.”

  When the music changed to a fast tempo, Rachel slipped from his embrace and made her way to the refreshment table.

  Following her, Michael picked up a half sandwich and took a bite. “This is my dinner, I’m afraid.”

  “You didn’t eat before?”

  “When? I was too busy getting this place ready. Did you?”

  “No, I was too busy getting the food ready.”

  “Michael, thank you for this party. I was so surprised.” Amy gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  “Actually, all I did was supply the place. Rachel did all the work. It was her idea.”

  “Thanks,” Amy murmured in a less than enthusiastic voice. “In another year I’ll be able to do anything I want. I’ll be eighteen and won’t have to answer to anyone.”

  Even though Amy spoke to Michael, Rachel knew the comments were directed at her. She had felt that very same way when she was seventeen. “Well, that may be true, but you still have a year to go.”

  Amy lifted her chin. “I know some seventeen-year-olds who are on their own.”

  Rachel regretted being pulled into Amy’s argument. She bit the inside of her cheeks to keep from saying anything. Michael gripped her hand and pulled her to his side, his support quietly conveyed.

  “And how well are they doing?” Michael asked, squeezing Rachel’s hand. “Striking out on your own is a big step.”

  “They’re happy,” the teenager declared, louder than necessary. “Kevin’s friend Patrick has a job at the supermarket in Natchez. He has an apartment with two other guys. He’s doing fine.”

  “Is that Patrick Johnson?” Michael asked.

  Amy nodded.

  “When I talked with his dad last week, he was worried about Patrick. He isn’t going to finish high school because he has to work two jobs to pay the rent. He’s thinking about moving back home.”

  Amy grabbed Kevin’s hand. “Let’s dance. This is our song.”

  Rachel watched the young couple move onto the dance floor. “Thank you, Michael. If I had said anything else, this boat would have been declared a war zone.”

  “There’s trouble brewing.”

  “I know.”

  “Why don’t you leave her in Magnolia Blossom? She can stay with me.”

  “No. I won’t abandon her. She’s had to deal with that one too many times. She’ll adjust. Besides, Shaun, Amy and I are all we have. We’re family.”

  Michael twisted to face her. “A month ago I wasn’t sure you felt that way.”

  “I’ve always felt Amy and Shaun were my family.”

  “I think you knew it in your head but not your heart. Now, you know it in your heart.”

  The truth of his words hurt. She had run from the idea of a family most of her life. She couldn’t run anymore. “We’d better take up our battle stations before some of these teenagers slip out of here for dark places on this boat.”

  For the next two hours Rachel stood by the door, feeling like a warden in a prison. She had to turn several couples away from exploring the boat. Another hour, and the party would be winding down, she thought, and began to relax until Helen scurried over to her.

  “They’re gone!” Helen declared in her melodramatic way.

  “Who?”

  “Amy and Kevin. They walked onto the deck to get some fresh air, which I’ve been letting the kids do. I’ve been keeping an eye on them. Well, I turned to speak with a young man, and that must have been when they slipped away. I can’t find them on the deck.”

  Rachel tensed. “Do you think they left the boat?”

  “No, Shaun and Garrett are playing on the lower deck by the gangplank. No one has gone past them. They’re here somewhere.”

  “Where’s Michael?” Rachel asked, worried that Amy would do something foolish and end up hurt. It wasn’t that long ago that she had felt the tender emotions a first love produced. And look at the pain her relationship with Michael had caused both of them.

  “He’s coming.”

  Rachel looked beyond Helen and saw Michael striding toward her. Relief shimmered through her. “You know?”

  “Let’s check all the cabins first. I have the master key.”

  Fifteen minutes later she and Michael had opened and locked every cabin door on the second deck. They climbed to the upper level, Rachel’s heart hammering faster each minute. As they walked by the wheelhouse, Rachel heard a noise. She stopped and pointed toward the door, which was slightly ajar.

  Michael came up and whispered in her ear, “I’ll handle this.”

  She shook her head. “She’s my sister. I will.”

  Taking a deep, fortifying breath, Rachel slid back the wheelhouse door and stepped into the room. Silhouetted against the moonlight streaming through the large windows were Amy and Kevin, standing very close together. They were so intent on each other they didn’t hear Rachel come in until she coughed. They jumped apart.

  “Excuse me, Amy, but I believe some of your guests are starting to leave. You need to say goodbye to them.” Rachel was amazed her voice was level and calm, because inside she quaked.

  Amy didn’t say a word but stomped past Rachel and Michael, who was still standing outside the wheelhouse. Rachel was glad she couldn’t read her sister’s expression because she was sure Amy was furious. Rachel could tell by the rigid way her sister held herself as she left.

  Michael came up behind Rachel and gripped her shoulders. “This, too, shall pass.�
��

  She sighed. “I hope so. Another reason I couldn’t leave her here is that I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with Amy’s volatile emotions.”

  “That’s being a teenager. Up one minute, down the next.”

  “Amy’s issues go deeper than that.”

  He drew her against him and cradled her in his arms. Their strong feel dimmed her worries for a few seconds. She allowed herself to forget her troubles, to forget that she needed to tell Michael the restaurant deal had gone through. She would soon.

  * * *

  “How could you embarrass me like that?” Amy asked the next morning in the kitchen.

  Surprised her sister was up so early, Rachel glanced up from reading the papers concerning her restaurant proposal, which her lawyer had faxed her. “It’s called being a responsible chaperon.”

  Before Rachel had a chance to turn over the legal papers, Amy plopped down in the chair next to her, her gaze straying to the documents. “What’s that?”

  Rachel drew in a deep, calming breath. “Details about my restaurant deal in New York.”

  Amy scowled, her eyes narrowing on the pieces of paper as if she could ignite them with her gaze.

  “The investors said yes. They want to meet with me in August. I’ll sign the papers then.”

  “When were you going to tell us?” Amy’s voice rose.

  “I just found out yesterday myself.”

  Sleepy-eyed, Shaun shuffled into the kitchen. He halted, took one look at Amy and said, “I think I’ll skip breakfast.”

  “Stay. This concerns you, too.” Amy flexed her trembling hands. “When are you leaving?”

  Rachel inhaled deep breaths that did nothing to calm her speeding heart. “Shaun and I will go to New York on August tenth so I can sign the papers while you’re in Mexico on your mission trip. Then we’ll return and pack up the house. I want both of you in New York by the start of school.”

  “I’m not going.” Amy’s pout descended.

  “I can’t. Garrett and I have a basketball clinic at school that week.”

  Both her sister and brother faced Rachel, accusations in their expressions. In that moment Rachel realized she would rather face an angry mob of strangers than her own angry family. “Shaun, don’t you want to check out New York before you move there?”