Sydney Harbor Hospital: Zoe's Baby

by Alison Roberts

  And from somewhere so deep within Zoe it took some moments to recognise what it was came the unfurling of physical desire.

  An attraction more powerful than anything she had ever experienced. Or was it just because she’d been totally incapable of feeling the slightest interest in men since her life had been turned upside down by her pregnancy and then the depression?

  Maybe it had something to do with the feeling of belonging to this group of people. This extended family. And it was more to do with something waking up inside her. A joyful thing that had not only been buried under the hopelessness of depression but had never really been there in the first place.

  It wasn’t as if it could go anywhere. This wasn’t even any kind of a date, Zoe reminded herself, trying to drag her gaze away from Teo as he strode steadily closer and her heart rate picked up noticeably. He had offered to let her borrow his family, nothing more than that. Distraction was probably needed here.

  ‘I think I’ll take you up on that offer of the sarong,’ she said to Alisi. ‘I’d love to see what Emma thinks of getting her feet wet.’

  The swim had been both relaxing and energising but it always left Teo with a poignant sense of homesickness.

  He had seawater in his blood but it was never the same here. The water was so much colder and the surf wilder. The lagoons and gentle, sometimes barely there, waves of his boyhood beaches were central to his happiest memories of a time when life had been perfect.

  When his mother had still been there, happy and healthy and waiting to enfold him in her love whenever life was difficult to cope with. His closest family. His strength.

  Teo shook the sadness off, along with more water from his hair. He caught drips on his chin with his tongue and tasted the salt. At least he could get to the sea here. Finn Kennedy swam every day in a pool near the Kirribilli View apartments. He had invited Teo to join him more than once but for Teo, swimming in such an artificial environment would be soul destroying. Pools were akin to growing bonsai trees or something. A kind of travesty of the real thing.

  The pools built into the sides of the cliffs along this coastline were different. The edges were carved from the same wild rocks that surrounded the manmade area. The waves filled them and kept them fresh and clear and salty. He could see people in the closest pool with their young children, teaching them to swim. The tide was well out now, exposing other rocks down on the sand and filling hollows to make shallow pools that would be warm from the sun.

  He could also see Zoe and Alisi down there with their babies. Zoe had changed into a lavalava. She had it knotted just above her breasts and had tucked the ends up into her knickers. Her legs were long and pale and…very eye catching. Teo caught himself smiling. Good grief…was he feeling attracted to Zoe? That wouldn’t do at all, considering he’d offered her a family outing as nothing more than a friend. Maybe his pleasure in watching her was simply because his idea had been so successful. It looked as though Zoe and his favourite cousin were becoming fast friends and, while she had looked a bit tense and shy to start with today, she was certainly far more relaxed now.

  Emma was wearing her sunhat but nothing else. Little Kali was completely naked. Zoe seemed to be following Alisi’s example, holding Emma upright under her arms and letting her feet catch the very last curl of surf as the long, low waves rolled in. He heard the shriek of an excited baby and the soft sound of feminine laughter and both the sight of the women and the sound of their pleasure was another nostalgic tug.

  ‘Come on, Sefa. Maru? You want to come for a paddle?’

  ‘Yes! Piggyback, Uncle Teo,’ demanded Maru.

  ‘Me too! Me too!’ cried Sefa.

  Teo grinned. ‘E leai se popole. No worries. You can both climb on board.’

  He took both small boys out into deeper water and made his body into a raft for them to cling to. Maru, at four years old, could already swim like a little fish in calm water but he wasn’t ready for the kind of rogue wave Coogee could throw in. Or the rips that lurked like an undersea monster, waiting to drag people away. Sefa was only two and Teo kept an arm loosely around the small, brown body at all times. There was a lot of splashing and laughter and Teo knew that both Alisi and Zoe were watching them.

  And he liked that. He especially liked that Zoe was watching him. It could have contributed to how short the swim with the boys was because when he led them out of the waves, with one small hand in each of his, he took them to where the women were, in the rocks that extended out from the walls of the pool.

  The tide was on the way back in now. Soon it would be time to pack up and head home but there were more moments of pleasure to be found. Like this one, where Alisi and Zoe were sitting beside the rocks with their babies on the sand beside them. They were protected by the rocks but these were wild rocks and there was no concrete to fill the gaps. When the waves came in and curled up against the barrier, there were gaps that let the sea water through, like fat hoses being turned on. The small, new waves rushed over the sand where they all sat, soaking sarongs and foaming over fat little baby legs.

  Kali was giggling every time. So was Emma. And there was the occasional shriek of laughter if the gap between the waves was a little longer than the one before. Emma and Kali would look at each other while they were waiting and grin. Zoe looked up at Teo and smiled.

  It was the first real smile he had seen her give. One that reached those astonishing green eyes and lit her whole face up with joy. She was loving this time with her baby. Loving being alive.

  The idea that he’d found two such different personalities in the same woman had intrigued him. He’d seen the competent professional paramedic and the scared, lonely young mother. This was a third personality. Someone joyful and vibrant and…absolutely gorgeous.

  Teo could feel a bubble of something warm and soft getting bigger in his chest. A combination of nostalgia and longing and…hope?

  Whatever it was, it was cut off abruptly by the scream of a child in pain.

  ‘Sefa.’

  The small boy had been happily climbing over the rocks surrounding Alisi and Zoe but now he was hunched into a ball, shrieking with agony. His foot was covered in blood. Teo scooped him up and ran to deeper water to wash the blood away so that he could see what he was dealing with. A stubbed toe, probably.

  It was. But it was such a bad stub that the big toenail had been almost ripped off. Teo knew that the best thing to do would be to get it off completely. He also knew it would hurt. He loved this little boy. The thought of hurting him made him feel sick.

  Lessons well learned from the past were there to draw on. You couldn’t help the people you loved if you couldn’t keep enough distance to remain professional. Yes, it would hurt to rip the nail off but only for a split second. If he gave in to what his heart told him instead of his brain, Sefa would be in pain for hours and then have the terror of a doctor’s surgery or the ED and the pain of a local anaesthetic that would be just as bad as what he was about to do.

  Because he had to.

  Teo waited for the next wave, so he could hold Sefa’s foot under the cold, rushing water. He took a good grip on the edge of the toenail.

  ‘Sorry, buddy,’ he murmured.

  And then it was done. The sea water cleaned the wound and Sefa had stopped sobbing by the time he carried the child back to his mother. He clung to Teo, his head buried against his shoulder, and even his whimpers had almost stopped by the time he reached Alisi.

  ‘His toenail had to come off,’ he explained. ‘I did it then, rather than making him wait. We need to dress it but it’ll stop hurting soon.’

  Alisi nodded, gathering her youngest son into her arms. Teo picked up Kali for her. He could sense that Zoe was watching him carefully. Maybe she thought it was cruel that he hadn’t waited until the toe could be anaesthetised to make the procedure painless.<
br />
  He didn’t want to talk about it.

  ‘I think it might be time to go home,’ he said. When he looked up, Zoe wasn’t watching him any longer. She was wrapping Emma in a towel.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, without turning her head. ‘I think it is.’

  CHAPTER FIVE

  THE knocking had started.

  Sharply staccato. A sound that came from nowhere in the dark and Finn Kennedy knew there was no escape.

  He was trapped.

  The nightmare was here yet again.

  It always began like this. The crescendo of knocking that was the sound of anti-aircraft fire. The blessed darkness that deep sleep brought was punctured by streaks of bright, white light. The red fireball of a mortally wounded fighter jet spiralling down from on high was merely a background because now the buildings of the army base were shaking. The ground was shaking.

  He had to find Isaac.

  His younger brother was here somewhere in the army base. The all-consuming urgency with which he had to find and protect his brother was bone deep, honed by so many years of watching out for the only person he truly loved as they’d survived a childhood and adolescence of care homes and trouble.

  Thank goodness he was here now. Becoming one of the stooped figures running through the base as the bombs exploded and shrapnel ricocheted from every direction. Finn knew it was only by chance he could save Isaac. This was his last tour of duty and he would soon be a civilian. Safe. Free to follow his dreams of medicine that wasn’t being practised in a war zone.

  The nightmare had the cruellest twists, however. Even as he ran now, with the desperate hope of finding Isaac and keeping him safe, he knew that at any moment he would become a victim himself. The blow on his head that was coming would knock him out briefly. The pain from the shrapnel in his body would almost incapacitate him when he regained consciousness.

  That wasn’t the worst layer of awareness, though. At an even deeper level he also knew that he would get through that pain and fear and be able to struggle on.

  To find Isaac.

  To hold his beloved brother in his arms as he died.

  The grief would always wake him. In sleep, as in life, he could never get past that moment when his ability to feel any kind of emotion died along with Isaac.

  Waking never ended the nightmare completely either. The layers were all still there in his head. The sounds and sights and smells. The fear. The grief. They swirled and tormented and there was only one way to try and escape.

  An agonised groan escaped Finn as he raised his head from his hands. Throwing the covers off and swinging his legs so he was sitting on the side of his bed was so automatic he hadn’t even been aware of the movement. Looking at his bedside clock was always the next step but it was only 3 a.m.

  Far too early to go swimming and wash away the remnants of the nightmare with the combination of gruelling exercise and clean, cold water.

  But neither could he stay in the confines of this apartment where the nightmare still filled the air and made him feel like he was breathing treacle. Just as well he had a plan B. One that he had used before with good effect.

  Kirribilli View apartments had fire-escape stairs. A narrow column on a corner of the building. Flight after flight of bare, concrete steps, lit well enough on each landing to ensure people wouldn’t fall and break their necks.

  Nobody else used this access by preference, especially at 3 a.m. It was there for emergencies. And nobody else would be crazy enough to run down from the penthouse to the ground-floor exit, turn and take the steps two at a time to get back to the top. A minute or less to catch his breath and he could do it again.

  And again.

  It always took a while because it wasn’t just a matter of shoving the memories dredged up by the nightmare back where they belonged. All the negative effects of the tragedy that had coloured the last ten years of his life tended to surface as well. It was a process that was becoming a habit. The self-recrimination for things he did. The justification for them. They never changed. Finn had learned to live with them.

  The first run up and down the unforgiving steps—like the first few laps of the pool—were about burying the bombing raid that had killed Isaac. The second run was always about Lydia—Isaac’s wife. The only link left to his brother. The self-recrimination was that he’d used that link. He’d used Lydia until she’d been strong enough to break off their half-hearted relationship.

  You only want me because I remind you of Isaac. I need to move on, Finn. I need to start living again.

  He’d used a lot of women since Lydia. Who knew why they found him attractive? But he took advantage of that when he needed a reprieve from being so alone. When he needed the release that only sex could bring.

  He couldn’t even remember all of their names. That recrimination took care of the next uphill slog. Finn was tiring now. Mariette had been a couple of months ago and she’d been happy to break up with him, moving on to better things with that young paediatric doctor. The latest one hadn’t been so happy. He’d only broken that off last week and there’d been tears. He’d been unkind to her but he just couldn’t stand tears. Such a visible display of weakness. What was he supposed to do about them? Feel sorry for what he’d done or said? Sympathetic for the way someone else felt? Not going to happen. Couldn’t happen.

  Even with Evie?

  The rebellious whisper in the back of his head was easy to dismiss. Especially with Evie.

  Personal relationships of any kind were unacceptable. His interactions with people were based on science and you could only do the greatest good for the greatest number by shutting out the annoying influence of emotional complications.

  Finn needed to catch his breath before he reached the top this time. Concrete wasn’t a good surface to run on. It jarred his neck and the pain was starting to bite now, radiating into his shoulder. That was good. This was the point he always needed to get to because physical pain was infinitely preferable to mental distress. He’d pushed himself so hard this time he couldn’t make it back to the top. He actually needed to lean against the wall for support.

  It was then he heard the sound of footsteps approaching from below.

  Who the hell would be coming into the apartments at this time of night? By this stairwell?

  Teo Tuala, that’s who.

  ‘Hey…’ To his credit, Teo didn’t sound at all disturbed by the sight of Sydney Harbour Hospital’s director of surgery in an unlikely place, completely out of breath, at 4 a.m. ‘Did you get called in for that nasty MVA, too?’

  Wearing his running shorts and an ancient T-shirt? Hardly likely he’d head out looking like this. Still, it was an easy excuse to use.

  ‘I’ll go in soon. I was just getting my exercise out of the way.’ Finn knew he sounded out of breath. Teo might be looking as laid back as he always did but there was something about the way he was watching Finn right now that made him feel uncomfortable. Breaking eye contact, he tilted his head and rubbed at the back of his neck, turning to make his way up to the next landing.

  ‘Me, too.’ Teo was following him. ‘I’ve taken a pledge to use the stairs instead of the lifts.’

  When they reached the landing, Teo got to the fire stop door first. He held it open. ‘You OK?’ he asked quietly.

  Finn gave him the look anybody got if they asked a personal question like that but Teo didn’t seem cowed.

  ‘You look a bit sore, that’s all,’ he said. ‘You were rubbing your neck a minute ago and now it’s your arm.’

  God…it was becoming a habit. Maybe he needed to bump up the painkillers.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ he said dismissively.

  ‘Old war wound?’

  ‘Something like that.’ Finn turned away sharply enough to twist somethin
g that made him wince. He walked away. ‘It’s nothing,’ he snapped again. ‘Get some sleep, Teo. You’ll need it if you want to be on top of your game tomorrow.’

  ‘You look like you had a hard night.’

  ‘Yeah…’ Teo pushed the button that controlled the pedestrian crossing on this main intersection. ‘I should have been a psychologist, shouldn’t I?’

  ‘There’s certainly something to be said for a nine-to-five job.’ John Allen’s smile for his neighbour was sympathetic. ‘Hope it wasn’t anything too traumatic that kept you up.’

  ‘Car crash at midnight. Pregnant woman and three kids involved. Woman ended up going into labour so I hung around to make sure the baby was OK.’

  ‘Was it?’

  ‘Fortunately, yes. Few weeks prem but he should be fine. Hey…Luke…’ He turned to greet the man who’d joined them. ‘Did you get any sleep?’

  ‘Not enough.’

  He didn’t look too bothered by it but Luke didn’t look bothered by much these days. Still on cloud nine, obviously, thanks to the effects of being so much in love with Lily. Teo didn’t see either of them much these days. They stayed out on Luke’s farm unless the traffic was too awful or Luke was kept too late, as he had been last night.

  The buzzing sound and green signal to cross propelled the men into movement. ‘What time did you get in?’ John asked Teo.

  ‘’Bout 4 a.m. Would you believe I found Finn Kennedy on the fire escape stairs? Looked like he’d been doing a circuit class or something.’

  ‘He likes keeping fit.’

  ‘I like keeping fit, too, but not at that time of night.’

  They walked in silence for half a block. The grey sky seemed to be pressing down on Teo and if it rained, it would get cold. Not like in the islands. Alisi had gone home again yesterday and had made him promise to persuade Zoe to go to Samoa for a visit. Would John think that was a good idea? Should he even be talking to a colleague about a patient he had a personal interest in? Certainly not when Luke was there, even if he was a good mate. The interest he had in John’s patient was confusing enough, without helpful mates pushing him in a direction he knew it would be unwise to go.