It's My Life

by Melody Carlson

  “Are you okay?”

  “I lost my baby.” She choked on the words.

  I just stared at her, not knowing what to say. I was sad for her, but to be perfectly honest, part of me was relieved. And even as I write these words, I know it's so very wrong of me (PLEASE FORGIVE ME, GOD!), but I actually thought, at least this is one less thing for Beanie to bear. But somehow (THANK GOD!) I knew that wasn't what she needed to hear. “I'm so sorry,” was all I said, and then I carefully put my arms around her, not wanting to hurt her further, and then we both cried together for what seemed a pretty long time.

  I pulled up a chair and just listened as she talked about all the things she wouldn't get to do with her baby. Once again, I must be honest and say I really didn't understand much of what she was saying, and I'd had no idea she was looking forward to having a child like that. And I just kept thinking this whole thing was a real blessing in disguise. But believe me, I NEVER said it. Not even once. I just listened and nodded and told her everything was going to be okay, that it'd get better, and that she'd get over this in time.

  I could tell by the commotion in the hallway that Lynn Jacobs was here and she was demanding to see her daughter immediately. I could hear Steph trying to reason with her, but finally it was of no use and Lynn just burst right into Beanie's room. I stayed in the chair, positioning myself between Lynn and Beanie, determined to lay down my life if necessary to protect Beanie from Lynn's wrath. But I couldn't protect her from her mother's cruel and heartless words.

  “I just learned from the doctor that you lost your baby!” Lynn exploded. “What I want to know is what baby? What the – is going on with you, Sabrina Jacobs? You went and got yourself knocked up and then you didn't even tell your own mother–” Thankfully that was when a strong orderly (I later learned he was accosted by an angry Aunt Stephie) came in and literally dragged Lynn out of the room, loudly warning her that they could have the police there within minutes. Then Steph came in and comforted Beanie. I was so glad to hear Steph soothing Beanie, saying all those important things that I could never have thought of.

  Anyway, we stayed there until really late. Until Beanie finally seemed to be calmed down and able to sleep. The nurses even posted a guard by Beanie's door, promising that Lynn Jacobs was now restricted from the hospital.

  And so here I am. It's almost 2 A.M. and I'm exhausted, but fear I will not be able to sleep. So much to take in. So much sadness in Beanie's life. So much guilt in me for not being a better, more understanding friend. How could I have ever turned my back on Beanie? Not that I really did (well, not recently anyway), but I'd been thinking about it. And just because she was pregnant. Good grief! Sometimes I just really make myself sick!

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I AM SO SORRY. PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME–AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND…

  FOUR

  Wednesday, July 25 (hard stuff)

  I went to see Beanie after work today. She's out of the hospital and back at Steph's now. Apparently the most serous thing about the accident was losing the baby. I didn't really know that at the time, but that's what Steph says.

  Anyway, Beanie was really, really down tonight. Talk about the blues.… Steph says (once again) that it's probably just hormones playing havoc with Beanie's heart (she calls it the “baby blues”), but I think it's more than that. I mean, when I consider all the pain Beanie's endured in her seventeen years, I can hardly believe she's survived it at all. I'm pretty sure it would have killed a wimp like me. All I can say is that Beanie must be made out of some pretty strong stuff. I just hope it's strong enough. But I'm praying for her like never before. And even though she told me she's mad at God now, I feel pretty sure she'll get over it. In time. At least, I hope so.

  In the meantime, Steph says she needs lots of TLC, and that's just what we're going to give her. Even my mom is stepping up to the plate. She and Ben will help watch Oliver and Beanie during the daytime. And I'll go over and spend time with her in the evenings. And hopefully between all of us, Beanie will see that she's loved–and that she has family. I told her that even if we're not biologically related, we're all related by God, and I think that's what matters most in the long run anyway.

  But when I left Steph's apartment tonight, Beanie's eyes looked so flat to me. Sort of glazed over with pain, I guess. It's hard to explain, but it's like her old spark is totally gone. She almost seems dead to me. I know that sounds absolutely horrible and morbid and I don't mean it as a judgment against her. More like an observation about her. But it just makes me so sad. Sadder than I can even describe with words. Oh, poor, poor Beanie.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, BREATHE YOUR LIFE BACK INTO MY SISTER BEANIE. PLEASE SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER. PLEASE, PLEASE WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND HER, AND PLEASE HOLD HER SAFELY IN YOUR HANDS. AMEN.

  Friday, July 27 (a faint say of hope)

  For the first time since Beanie lost her baby, she seemed to show a flicker of interest in life tonight. Okay, maybe it was because of the pizza and the video that I brought over–but hey, whatever it takes, right?

  Anyway, Steph and Tony were taking oliver to a kiddy carnival at another church tonight. They said it was to get ideas for a fall carnival at our church, although I suspect this might just be a thinly veiled disguise for an actual date. (Which is perfectly all right by me–I mean, sheesh, I've never said that everyone on the planet should give up dating altogether). Furthermore I happen to think Tony and Steph make a really great couple and I'd love to see them actually tie the knot someday. Although Steph firmly tells me they are only “good friends.” Well, to that I say: Time will tell.

  But back to Beanie. I wanted to do something special for her, to hopefully lift her spirits out of the deep, dark dungeon she's been inhabiting of late. So, I rented one of her all-time favorite “feel good” movies (Ever After–where Drew Barrymore plays this no-nonsense Cinderella chick, who actually sort of reminds me of Beanie), and we watched the movie while we ate pepperoni pizza with double cheese and consumed about two liters of Dr. Pepper. But I think I saw her actually smile a couple times.

  But when it was all over she just sort of groaned and said, “Life sure isn't like the movies, is it?”

  And trying to be funny, I said, “oh, I don't know, sometimes life is like one of those really bad movies.” But I knew exactly what she meant. She meant: Life sure isn't a fairy tale, is it? No magical happy endings for me. So then I added, “But, you know, I do believe with God in our lives we really can live happily ever after–if that's what you're thinking.” Then she just rolled her eyes at me and said she still wasn't speaking to God. So I asked her why.

  “Why?” she practically screams at me. “You're asking ME why? Good night, Cate, just look at my life. If this is the best God can do, I might as well go out and shoot myself.”

  Then I just kind of blinked at her and wondered how to respond to that. I mean, I sure didn't want to pull her down any farther, but I'm thinking–you're blaming God for the mess you made of your life? But, thank God, I did not say that. If I had, I'm pretty sure she would've gone off looking for a gun right then (which Steph doesn't keep by the way!). So I just stayed quiet for a moment, then I calmly said, “All I know is that God does love you, Beanie. And I'm sure He feels just as bad as you do about losing that baby. But at least your baby is up there safe with God right now.”

  And then she just started to cry again, and I was thinking: Great, now I've really gone and done it. But somehow her crying this time seemed different. It didn't seem quite like that hopeless, pitiful, just-jump-off-a-cliff sort of crying that I'd heard on and off all week long. This seemed more like a giving-up sort of crying. Like, maybe she was just surrendering all of this crummy, impossible-to-understand stuff to God. Anyway, I sure hope that's what it was. And that's what I'm praying for tonight.

  So, then we hugged and I could tell she was really tired, so I told her to go to bed and get some rest and then I came home. Big sigh. This has been a pretty toug
h week for me (and everyone else too). But tonight I glanced back over my diary and was embarrassingly reminded of how I was whining and complaining about wanting to have more fun last week. Well, I haven't even considered “fun” this week. All I can think about is how much we need God to get through this thing called life. ‘Cuz it sure ain't easy! And right now I just want Beanie to grab hold of God (like she'd been doing just a month or so ago) and then just never, ever let go of Him. Because I just don't think she (or I) can make it without Him.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP US TO HANG ON TO YOU FOR ALL THAT WE'RE WORTH. AND HELP US TO NEVER, EVER LET GO. AMEN.

  Sunday, July 29 (two weeks until Mexico!)

  To my pleased surprise, Beanie came to church and youth group today. And she really seems better. Almost like her old self. Almost. And afterwards she came up and hugged me and thanked me for sticking with her through everything–and I could tell she really meant it.

  Then she and I and Andrea went to the mall and acted like real teenage girls for a pleasant change. And I think Beanie enjoyed that. I'm sure it's the first time she's acted like a “normal” seventeen-year-old girl for months now. She's still a little sore from the accident and she has this ugly yellowish purple splotch on her fore-head. But other than that, to look at her, you almost wouldn't know all that she's been through.

  I'd already told Andrea the whole Beanie story (in fact, everyone at church knows because Tony put her on the prayer chain earlier this week), and today Andrea was really sweet and kind to Beanie. Then after I dropped Andrea home, I brought Beanie over to my house and she stayed for dinner, and my family was also really nice to her. And she even started making some of her old jokes to Ben (strangely enough, those two actually get along really well!). Anyway, it seemed like she was trying to get it back together.

  Then we went up to my room to listen to a new Geoff Moore CD I bought at the mall today (our youth group leader was talking about the lyrics in a song of his). And that's when Beanie really opened up about all the stuff that had gone on between her and Zach. Like the way he'd sought her out at the beginning, and how he'd been the one to push their relationship along to new levels (and last spring I had thought it was her!). Even how he'd pressured her to have sex. Okay, in all fairness, I must admit this might've been the way I was hearing what she was saying, and I suppose she might really have been saying it differently. But just the same, it was all I could do not to jump up and freak out about what a total jerk I thought he was. But I knew that would only upset her, and I could see she just needed to talk. And also, underneath everything she was saying (and despite what an absolute moron he is), I suspect she still cares for him deeply. Don't ask me why. Because I can't, for the life of me, come up with one single good reason. But I'm pretty sure she does.

  Anyway, she told me in detail about everything she'd gone through in the past several months. (And let me tell you, it hasn't exactly been a walk through the mall!) But the hardest part for her was the way Zach had treated her after she told him she was pregnant. Now I (for one) had always thought she'd played down how badly she'd been hurt by him then, but I had no idea just how totally crushed and devastated she'd actually been by their breakup. She even told me how she'd considered suicide numerous times–had actually planned it all out, step by step, written the notes and everything!

  “But each time,” she explained, “something would get in the way. Like a phone call, or a neighbor stopping by, just all sorts of things. And now I'm pretty sure that was God trying to protect me from myself.”

  “Good thing too.” I reached over and put my hand on her shoulder. “You wouldn't consider doing anything like that now, would you? I mean, I realize you've been pretty down and everything lately.”

  “I don't think so.” She looked directly at me, and her dark eyes still looked so sad, especially with the effects of her recent head injury shadowed beneath them. “But I guess you can never tell about these things, Cate. But I really don't think I want to die now. I think I want to live. I can feel this tiny little ember of hope burning inside of me. And I think it's God.”

  I nodded eagerly, holding back tears. “I know it is. And Beanie, I keep wanting to tell you something, but I'm afraid it'll sound so totally stupid.”

  “What is it? I'm sure you can't tell me anything that's any more stupid than I've been lately.”

  “I just want to tell you that I think you're one of the bravest people I know. And if I'd gone through everything you've gone through, I'm sure I wouldn't even be here. I'd probably be dead, for sure, or else locked up in some rubber cell somewhere. You are an incredibly strong person, Beanie. But even so, I know you still need God just as much as I do.”

  “Yeah. I've been realizing that too.”

  So then I asked her a really tough question. I asked if she felt she'd totally given up Zach–or if she'd go back with him if he wanted to. And I must confess, I don't even know what the right answer would be–or even if there is a right answer. I just wanted to know where she stood as far as Zach was concerned. Because in my book, right now, he's lower than slug slime. And if I ever see him, I'm afraid I'll have to tell him so.

  “I don't really know, Cate. Right now, I do feel like I can live without him. But to be honest, there was a time when I thought I couldn't. And I know it sounds so totally lame to say that. That's why I never told you before. I knew it sounded all sappy and sweet and not like something I'd ever fall into. But I did. Oh, man, I did. And I fell hard.”

  “Well, it wasn't all your fault. I think Zach gently nudged you over the edge when you fell.”

  She smiled a little at that. “Yeah, I suppose. But I was willing and eager. And when he told me how much he loved me, how he had never loved anyone the way he loved me, and how he would never love anyone as much, well, I just swallowed every line like it was the gospel truth.” She looked me in the eyes. “But you know, it's because I wanted to believe it. Because I needed someone to love me like that. I'd never been loved like–” Then her voice broke again.

  “God loves you like that,” I said, instantly hoping she wouldn't call me “Sister Caitlin” again.

  “I think I know that now.”

  “But I do understand what you're saying, Beanie. And I think someday you're going to have a love that's even better than what you had with Zach. And who knows, maybe it'll even be with Zach.” (And I didn't even say that I sure hoped not!) “But I do believe some really cool Christian guy is going to come along someday. Maybe not for a while yet because you and I need to graduate high school and go to college and get that apartment we've always talked about first. But when it's the right time, your prince is going to come along, Beanie, and mark my word, you'll get married and you will live happily ever after. I just know it.”

  She smiled and shook her head with that old Beanie skepticism. “Well, as usual, you've got an excellent imagination, Cate. And who knows, you could even be right, but I guess, for the time being, I won't think about all that stuff. I'll just try to enjoy what I have right now.”

  And that's when I got my idea. But I knew I couldn't tell anyone just yet.

  FIVE

  Monday, July 30 (my big idea)

  I prayed about this and got this really strong sense of peace, like it's something I was supposed to do. But just to be safe, I decided to check with my parents and run it past Pastor Tony first.

  You see, I really want for Beanie to be able to come with us to Mexico. And I know she doesn't have much money and really needs what she's managed to save. Especially since her dear, sweet mother, Lynn, has pretty much written her off. Big surprise there. But anyway, I thought to myself: what if Beanie got some sort of anonymous missions scholarship or something? Because I know she has way too much pride to allow someone else to pay her way. But maybe if she didn't know who it was or exactly why. Well, just maybe she would be able to accept it and go. And I really think she needs to go. I think it might help her to heal and get back to being a “normal” teenager again (if that's eve
n possible).

  So I checked with my parents and Pastor Tony and they all thought it was a great idea, and actually offered to chip in too. And we all promised to keep it top secret. Pastor Tony will present the gift to Beanie, just saying that an anonymous donor gave it, and then we'll all act real surprised and everything. I made sure even Ben didn't hear us talking. He's a good kid and all, but he can be a real blabbermouth sometimes.

  Tony's going to give it to her tomorrow, and I just have to wait for the call and then act all surprised. This is fun!

  Tuesday, July 31 (this isn't fun)

  Okay, Beanie calls me up tonight, but she sounds kind of glum again. And then she tells me about how Pastor Tony just gave her this scholarship to go to Mexico and how she's not at all happy about it.

  “But why not?” I ask, trying not to reveal anything. “I think it would be great if you came. We'd have so much fun together. What exactly is the problem anyway?”

  “I just don't like taking charity.”

  “Beanie.” I try to make my voice sound all serious and mature. “First of all, how do you know that someone in the church didn't hear God telling them to give it to you? I mean, you could in essence be saying no to God. And plus this trip is to help others who are less fortunate than you. Maybe the person who gave the scholarship can't go and they think if they send someone in their place, it will allow them to bless somebody else in Mexico. I mean, think about it, do you seriously want to be responsible for some poor Mexican kid losing this blessing?”

  She kind of laughed at that. Then she said something that left me speechless. “You might be right, Cate. And now that I think about it, I wonder if Zach might've possibly donated this. You know, ‘cause he feels so bad about everything and all. Maybe it's his way to make amends or something.”