It's My Life

by Melody Carlson

  Well, my stomach just turned over, and I had to swallow hard to control myself from saying something really mean and totally regrettable. Like, I'm sure, selfish old Zach would even care whether Beanie went to Mexico or not! Good grief!

  “Um, Beanie, have you actually seen Zach lately?” I finally said in a very courteous and controlled manner. She said she hadn't. Then I asked if he even knew about her losing the baby.

  “No.” Her voice got kind of flat.

  “So, do you plan on telling him?”

  “Oh, I don't know,… I guess if I see him. And, who knows, maybe he's already heard about it. I think he and Josh might still do stuff together sometimes. Maybe Josh told him.”

  “Yeah, maybe so. Isn't it ironic that Zach's the one who originally got Josh all excited about the youth group and the Mexico trip, and now Zach's not even around anymore.”

  “Well, maybe I should let Zach know about the baby.” Her voice grew sad, and I knew she was feeling that pain all over again, and I wished I'd never brought this whole thing up.

  “Oh, I don't see why, Beanie. Zach never really seemed to care that much about the baby anyway.” An understatement, I'm thinking, since Zach wanted the baby killed in an abortion!

  “It's not just that, Cate. I'm thinking, maybe if he knows I'm not pregnant anymore, then maybe he'll want to come back to church and stuff. I mean, maybe he's just embarrassed by all this. And you know, he always really liked it there. Remember how much he really liked Clay?”

  Now, talk about your self-sacrificing martyrs! This, to me, takes the cake! So I said, “But how's that going to make you feel, Beanie? I mean, do you really want to see Zach sitting there in church or youth group?”

  “I don't know…but maybe he needs it, Cate. I mean, who knows, he could really be hurting too.”

  I thought, yeah, sure, but said nothing.

  She continued. “I honestly believe he should know about the baby; it's his right as the father. I'm just afraid that I can't do it.”

  Then something in my gut tells me what was coming next. Somehow, I just knew that, as Beanie's best friend, it was my responsibility to offer to do this gruesome and loathsome task. I mean, if she was willing to sit in youth group with the selfish jerk, who was I to refuse to go and tell him. “Okay,” I finally said. “How abut if I go tell him?”

  “Oh, would you?”

  I laughed without humor. “Of course, you silly ninny, did you really think I wouldn't?” Then I thought of something else. “Hey, Beanie, how about if we make a deal?”

  “Sure. What is it?”

  “Okay, if I go and talk to Zach, then you must promise me you'll come on the Mexico trip.”

  I heard her exhale deeply, a good sign; she was seriously considering my proposal. “Okay, it's a deal, Cate. But you have to report back to me on every single thing that Zach says about the baby and everything. And I want you to be totally honest about it. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  So now I'm stuck with the unfortunate task of talking to a guy that I'd just as soon run over with my car–except that might get my car all messed up and bloody. And let me tell you, Zach Streeter is NOT worth messing up my car for!

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY HATEFUL HEART TOWARD ZACH STREETER. I'M SURE HE'S YOUR CHILD AND EVERYTHING, BUT I REALLY DO DESPISE WHAT HE DID TO BEANIE. TALKING TO HIM IS ABOUT THE LAST THING ON EARTH I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW OR EVER. BUT SINCE I MADE A DEAL WITH BEANIE, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. BUT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME TO BE JUST A LITTLE LESS HOSTILE TOWARD HIM. OR AT LEAST NOT RAISE A FIST OR CARRY A WEAPON OR ANYTHING VIOLENT LIKE THAT. AMEN!

  Wednesday, August 1 (you just never know…)

  All day at work, I kept wondering how I was going to force myself to go and talk to Zach. I thought about swinging by the park on my lunch break, but then there'd be all these little kids around, and I'm afraid I might say something shocking around them, and it's not their fault. So, I waited until after work, came home, took a cold shower, then called Zach's house, hoping he wouldn't be home. But guess who answers the phone on the very first ring? So, I asked him if he had a minute to talk, and he said someone else needed to use the phone right now. Then, fighting the urge to say fine and just hang up, I asked if he could meet me somewhere to talk. And he agreed to meet at the coffee shop by the high school.

  So I drove over, telling myself that I wouldn't chew his head off or say anything hateful or mean, that I would be cool and calm. And the strangest thing is, when I saw him sitting in the coffee shop, a lot of my anger just sort of melted away. I mean, he looked so totally down and out–a beaten man, really. Not at all like the shining track star, on-top-of the-world Zach that I remembered from just a couple months ago. No, tonight he looked like he was several days past a shave, his hair was stringy and dirty, his clothes looked like he'd slept in them for weeks, and his eyes–oh man, his eyes. I think it was his eyes that really got to me. They had that exact same look that I'd seen in Beanie's–just sort of flat and dead. It was totally weird.

  It was like the wind had been taken right out of my sails (sorry about the cliché, but that's just what it felt like), and I didn't even know what to say to him. I bought us each a cup of coffee, and he didn't object, then we sat down together and I asked how he was doing. He proceeded to tell me his life was just about totally messed up. Just like that, no pretense, just real honest like. So I asked him about his job, and he told me he'd lost it a couple weeks ago for not showing up on time.

  I asked why he didn't show up on time and he just shrugged; then he looked me right in the eye and said, “Caitlin, I'm totally messing up my life right now. Just making a complete mess of everything. Now, what do you think of that?”

  I said I thought it was too bad. And you know what? I wasn't the least bit glad that he was suffering so bad. Not at all like I'd have thought I'd be. In fact, it was all I could do not to reach out and give this grunge guy a great, big hug. So then I asked him if he was doing any drugs. (I mean, sheesh, all the signs seemed to be there, missing work, his appearance, his eyes…) And he just nodded, sadly.

  Well, my heart just sank and then I let him have it. “Zach Streeter,” I said a little too loudly because a couple at the next table suddenly looked our way. So I toned it down. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You have so much potential, so much to offer. I mean, just a few months ago you were helping me to straighten out my life and directing me toward God. Do you remember that?” I pointed my finger at him and he nodded sadly.

  Then I continued, knowing for sure that I sounded exactly like that preachy “Sister Caitlin” that Beanie complains about, but somehow I just couldn't help myself. “So, you've made some mistakes, have you, Zach? Well, now who the heck hasn't? But just because you blow it a couple times doesn't mean you just give up, do you? And what about God, Zach? What about your commitment to Him? You just giving that up too?”

  I could see his fingers curling into fists, but not like he was mad exactly, just frustrated maybe. “I know, Caitlin. I know all that stuff. What do you think I've been telling myself every single day?”

  “Yeah, but do you ever listen?”

  He looked directly at me then and suddenly I could see his eyes were getting moist and I wasn't sure how much I should push this. So I just prayed a quick, silent prayer, asking God to help me out here. I mean, who am I to think I can rescue somebody like this? I suddenly realized I was walking on real shaky ground here. What right do I have to tell anyone else how to live? I mean, what do I know of his struggles, his demons, his fears?

  But then I said, “You know, Zach, God has never stopped loving you, not even for a minute. And He will never stop forgiving you either. But you've got to love yourself and you've got to forgive yourself.” I think that got his attention somehow, and so I thought I'd better continue. “Now, I'm convinced you're aware of how badly you hurt Beanie, and to be honest, when I came here today, I really wanted to let you have it with both barrels.” I shrugged. “B
ut somehow I don't feel that way anymore.”

  “Probably because you can see how I've done such a great job of beating myself up,” he said in a dismal tone.

  I nodded. “Maybe. But just the same I wanted to let you know how Beanie's doing. Have you seen Josh lately or heard anything?”

  He shook his head sadly. “Actually, I've been out of town a couple of weeks, just hanging with the wrong crowd and messing myself up even more. I came back this morning, hoping I might be able to straighten out before I lose everything.” He looked me in the eyes. “And I mean everything, Caitlin.”

  Then I finally reached over and put my hand on his arm (I couldn't even believe I did it), and then I said (to my own surprise), “Zach, can you please forgive me for judging you?”

  He looked shocked. “Geeze, Caitlin, what'd ya mean? You've got every right to judge me. Shoot, I've been a total jerk to your best friend. I've been selfish and irresponsible–”

  I held up my hand to stop him. “I know, I know. But I was having some pretty bad thoughts toward you. And now I'm thinking you're sorry about everything that's happened with Beanie.”

  “Yeah, I'm sorry. You bet I'm sorry. Man, if I could turn back the clock, I would in a minute. I would! I'd do anything to get everything back to where it was last spring, before all that–I mean, even my own life has gone from the highest heights down to the pits of hell. And I know it's my own stupid fault.” Then he pounded one fist into the other. “And you know what, Caitlin? Right here and now, I've made up my mind. I'm going to give up that stupid college scholarship. I'm going to get clean, and I'm going to do the right thing and marry Beanie and be a father to my child.”

  Well, you could've just blown me over and swept me away with a broom! “You're what?”

  “Yeah, I've given a lot of thought to what Pastor Tony said–you know all that stuff about how an unborn baby is a real human being and how abortion is murder and–”

  Well, I just couldn't let him go on another minute, he was in such pain, and I knew I had no right to drag this whole thing out. So I said, “Wait, Zach. Stop and listen to me. I've got something to say that you need to hear right now.” Then I told him the whole, sad story of how Beanie jumped in front of the car to save Oliver and how she lost the baby and everything. And by the end, we were both just sitting there crying. Right there in Starbucks with God and the whole world looking on. I'm sure the couple at the next table thought we'd both recently escaped the loony bin. Then I just looked around to the people who were quietly watching us, although pretending not to and said, “So, did you enjoy the show?” Then I grabbed Zach's hand and tugged him toward the door, calling out as I went, “And wait till you see what we have lined up for next week's episode; same time, same place.” And you know what? They all clapped!

  Then Zach and I sat in my car and continued to talk for about an hour, just going over lots of little things, asking and answering questions. Then I gave him a ride home since his van got impounded (just another consequence of his recent little rebellious spree). While parked in his driveway, I told him that I really loved him (as a brother, of course!) and that I would do anything I could to help him out, but that first of all he needed to turn back to God. And he told me that's just what he planned to do. Then he thanked me and said he was glad that Beanie had such a good friend while she was going through all that stuff. And I reminded him I wanted to be his friend too. Then I raced home to call Beanie, but her line was busy, so I started getting this all down into my diary (just in case I start thinking it didn't really happen!).

  And anyway, now that I'm back home in my room, do you know what I think? I think God did a real, live miracle tonight! And I'm so amazed that I actually feel like I'm tingling from the inside out. And all I want to do is keep thanking God and praising Him for this unbelievable evening. But first I have to try calling Beanie again!

  SIX

  Wednesday, August 1 (yes, I know I already wrote today)

  Well, I cannot possibly go to sleep until I get the rest of this down.

  I got hold of Beanie, finally, and she was totally flabbergasted when I told her everything that happened with Zach (in detail!). She kept asking me if I was making the whole thing up. And to be honest, I almost wondered about it myself, but I know it's true. Anyway, we talked until almost midnight, and I can't even remember the last time I've heard such pure joy in her voice. But what I treasured most about our conversation was the last things she said to me before we hung up.

  “Caitlin,” she said, “I could tell that you were really down on Zach before, and I don't blame you at all. I mean, sheesh, I should've been down on him myself. But I realize the reason you were so ticked at him was because you care about me.”

  “That's exactly right!” I said.

  “And anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that even if Zach and I do become friends again, I will never, ever make the same mistakes I made last time. Because when I promised God last June to abstain from sex until marriage, I really, truly meant it. And I still do. And even though I am not technically considered a virgin anymore, I've been praying that God would make me a virgin again, at least in my heart, and I've been really trying to believe that He can do that.”

  “I believe He can do that, Beanie! And honestly, after tonight and after talking with Zach, I really believe God can do all kinds of miracles. I really do!”

  “Me too, Cate.” And I could just hear the big, old smile in her voice. Then we said good night and promised to get together tomorrow after work. Beanie's not sure exactly what she'll do with regard to Zach just yet, and she doesn't want it to look like she's pursuing him (because she's definitely not), but she wants to extend a hand of friendship, which I assured her he'd probably appreciate. And now I'm going to bed. What a night!

  THANK YOU, GOD, FOR DOING A MIRACLE. AND I PRAY THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE WORKIGN ON ZACH'S HEART. PLEASE SHOW HIM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM AND HOW YOU'VE FORGIVEN HIM AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR HIM. AMEN AND AMEN!!!

  Thursday, August 2 (things are looking up)

  Today after work, I went by to pick up Beanie and we went out for tacos and to rehash everything that happened yesterday. She was still feeling pretty good, certainly the happiest I've seen her in ages. “I was kind of hoping Zach would call,” she said as she picked at her taco. “But I can understand why he wouldn't. But I just hope he's doing okay, Cate. I wish he had someone to talk to.”

  “What about Josh?” I suggested. “Or Greg?”

  “Yeah, maybe we should give them a call and let them know Zach's in need.” Then we noticed the pay phone and decided there was no time like the present. I did the calling. Greg wasn't home, but Josh was, and I started telling him what was going on but got interrupted by the pay phone computer voice demanding more money. (Man, those guys are heartless!) Josh asked where I was and offered to come over and talk. So Beanie and I refilled our drinks and waited for him to show up. Then the three of us talked about ways we might be able to help encourage Zach, and I have to admit (only to this diary) that Josh grew in my eyes tonight. Just listening to him really care about someone besides himself and his wanting to help made me see him in a whole new light. But now, I'm telling myself, calm down, Caitlin girl, don't you go getting yourself all worked up–remember your commitment not to date,… But honestly, tonight it was tempting to just put all that behind me when I saw Josh sitting there being so mature and concerned, and okay, good-looking too! But the good news is, I won't succumb! My heart belongs to God and I won't break my promise to Him. And if Josh and I can just be friends, great. And if not, fine. But I'm not turning back. Not at all!

  So anyway, Josh decided to head right over and check on Zach tonight (much to our relief), and then he promised to call and tell us how it went. I suggested he call Beanie since I know she's been biting her nails (I mean literally!) over this all day. And then she can let me know what's up. Besides, I just wasn't sure I was up to hearing Josh's voice over the phone tonight, especially w
hen I'm dealing with these recent temptations. I am determined to stick with my vows, no matter how challenging it gets. I know it's for my best. I really do.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME TO KEEP MY VOWS TO YOU. I HAVE THE GUT FEELING THAT I CAN'T DO THIS THING ON MY OWN. I'M AFRAID I MAY BE TOO WEAK. BUT I KNOW YOU'RE STRONG, GOD. SO, ONCE AGAIN, I GIVE YOU MY HEART. NOW PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR STRENGTH. AMEN.

  Friday, August 3 (stretching time)

  So this is how it goes, huh? I ask God to strengthen me in the area of being tempted by Josh and I end up spending the entire evening with him the following night. But let me explain.

  First Beanie calls me at work today (which I try to keep short since I'm not supposed to take personal calls) and asks me if I can do something with her and Zach tonight. I say sure, I'd love to, but that I gotta go and hang up.

  Then I get home, and there Josh is sitting on my porch drinking iced tea with Ben and my mom. He waves and smiles, and I ask what he's doing there, and he winks at my mom, then quickly explains, “Now, don't come unglued, Caitlin; this isn't a date. Beanie just asked me to pick you up, and we'll go get Zach. Didn't she tell you all about it?”

  “Well, she told me about doing something with Zach, but she didn't say much else.” And then Josh's face sort of fell, and I realized how rude that sounded. “But that's okay, Josh,” I said quickly. “You just took me by surprise. I think it's great that you're coming. Do you mind if I go change?”

  “No, take your time. Beanie said we're going to do silly things like putt-par and bumper cars and stuff.” Of course, then Ben thought he should come too, and I almost agreed, but then I remembered the serious issues that Zach and I had talked about two nights before and I wanted him to have that kind of freedom tonight if he needed it. “How about another time, Ben?” I said honestly. And to my surprise this seemed to satisfy him.