by J. G. Sumner
“You know as well as I, if Jasper didn’t go out to California and help Tony clean up, he’d be dead in a matter of months. I’m fine here. I have you and my parents. Nothing is going to happen to me. Since Matteo is dead, there are no more threats.”
“You don’t always have to be so strong. It’s okay to rely on other people.” Kendall shows a softer side that is rare for anyone to see.
The contractions have subsided for the time being. I take a deep breath, bracing for a conversation I don’t really want to have. “Listen, I’m the only one who can take care of me. It’s gotten me out of two near-death situations. I’m the one who is responsible for these babies. I don’t have any choice but to be strong and persevere. Despite what you say, I want Tony in their lives whether or not he’s in mine. They’re going to need their daddy. He’s not going to be any good to anyone if he’s dead. So please, let this go and get aboard the Tony train.”
I take another deep breath in anticipation of another contraction. The doctor gave me something to try to stop them, but it doesn’t seem to be working all that well. While I’d like the babies to stay safely inside of me for a while longer, I’m about thirty-seven weeks and they’ll be fine if they’re born now.
“Why don’t you hate him? Your life has been changed forever. You’re not even the same person, and for Christ sakes, he’s left you alone and pregnant. Who does that?”
“I didn’t say I wanted him back. I simply said I want him to be a part of my kids’ lives. I’ll always love Tony, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him.” I pause, thinking about the man I love with all my heart. He almost broke me the day he left. My greatest fear had come true. I was being rejected after being raped over and over. I cried for days while drowning my sorrow in my favorite Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.
I finally went to a therapist to learn how to cope with everything that had happened. I’m finally at peace and while things are easier, I try not to think about my time with Matteo. It’s easier for me to block it out.
“He was a victim, too. He’s coping with it the only way he knows how.” Those are words straight from my therapist’s mouth, and I keep repeating them when I try to understand why Tony is tucked away in some crappy motel in San Diego instead of being here with me.
“Yeah, well, it tells a lot about a person’s character the way they handle a situation like this, and the man you can’t seem to shake from your heart is nowhere to be found. So, yeah, I asked Jasper to come back.” Kendall checks her makeup in the small mirror that is hanging over the sink.
“When are you going to take those gloves off? You look ridiculous.” Boxes of latex gloves sit at the entrance to my room. Kendall has been wearing them non-stop since she arrived.
“Are you kidding me? This place is a cesspool for germs. I don’t know how people work here and not get constantly infected.” Kendall scrunches up her face looking around the room for the microorganisms that invade her dreams and keep her awake at night.
“It’s called an immune system and thankfully, you’re one of the masses who was born with one. You should have some faith in it.
“I only have faith in what I can control. Washing my hands, sanitizer, and latex gloves are things I can do that work. I haven’t had a cold in two years. If you and Tony would’ve used some latex, you might not be lying here as big as a freaking house right now.” Kendall checks her teeth in the mirror.
“I can’t believe you just said that. What do you think happens when you’re carrying twins—you stay small?”
“Now, now. It’s not good for you to get worked up. I was only kidding. You’re going to be a great mom.” Kendall returns to the bedside and puts her gloved hand on my shoulder.
“And you’re going to be an awesome auntie.”
Kendall laughs. “Only if you make sure they’re clean when I come over. I don’t do messy kids. Do you know how many germs those things carry? They’re like walking cesspools.”
“Oh my gosh. You’re horrible. Someday, you’re going to have tons of dirty kids and you’ll have to get over that OCD.”
Kendall pulls her phone from her purse. “I wouldn’t count on it. I use three forms of protection to make sure that doesn’t happen. That would be my worst nightmare.” She pauses while reading whatever is displayed on her phone. “Well, it looks like your wish may have come true. Tony and Jasper are on their way here. They took a red-eye and should be here in the morning.”
My heart skips a beat and my hands shake. I’m not sure how to feel about this. Part of me is happy Tony is sober and wants to come back to me. The other part doesn’t know if she wants him here seeing me for the first time like this. It’s going to be quite the shock for him to see me extremely pregnant.
“Cat got your tongue? Where did you go just now?” Kendall’s voice startles me from my thoughts.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just a little nervous to see him again. I don’t quite know how I should feel.” I look up to Kendall, hoping she can give some words of wisdom.
“You should be pissed and read him the riot act after everything he’s put you through. I wouldn’t let him near me with a ten-foot pole if I were you.” Kendall crosses her arms and lets me know she means business.
“That’s not helping. He’s the father of these babies and has every right to see them. Like I said before, I want him in their lives. I just don’t know if I want him romantically.”
Kendall takes my hand. “You better figure that out fast. In just a few hours he’s going to be here with his sword drawn, ready to fight for you.”
I know Kendall’s right. Tony doesn’t do anything half-assed. If he’s coming back, Tony is going to want me and the kids. I just don’t know if I can give him my heart again. I don’t think I can bare having it shattered into a million little pieces again.
Chapter Five
Tony
I thought quickly and made a few phone calls. It turns out there was a direct flight leaving at ten thirty. It was scheduled to get in sooner than I would’ve been able to with a chartered flight. At any rate, we’re here at JFK Airport and it’s six in the morning. Less than twelve hours since Jasper was texting away at the bar. I didn’t bother to get my belongings at the hotel, so getting off the plane and out of the airport was easy. Hailing the cab was even faster.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this? She may not want you there. I don’t want you to be disappointed if she kicks you out.”
I can sense that Jasper is staring at me, but all I can do is watch out the window and count the mile markers into Manhattan.
“I’m prepared for that. I just want her to know that I’m here for her even if it’s just in the same vicinity. If and when my son is born, I want to be able to meet and hold him.” We pass through the Midtown Tunnel and I can’t help but wish the car to move faster, even though by some freak chance there’s very little traffic out and we’re already moving at a steady rate.
What am I going to do if something happens to my son? I’ve spent the last several months running away from him only to rush to his side—someone for whom I’ve never so much as felt kick, heard the heartbeat, or have seen the ultrasound. I’ve promised to not blame myself anymore, but it’s hard, especially when I may never meet him.
The car finally pulls up in front of Presbyterian Hospital; I jump out as Jasper pays the driver. My heart is fluttering and my nerves are shot. My first instinct is to sprint inside the massive building standing before me and run down every hallway until I find Kate. Unfortunately, that’s not reasonable and would probably get me arrested. Instead, I calmly take some deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth while waiting for Jasper to lead me to the woman I don’t want to live without.
We take the elevator up to the maternity floor. I hold my breath as we step out. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. Butterflies have not only taken flight but are also waging a war inside my stomach. I ball my hands into fists and release. What am I going to say? A
ll the situations and phrases I come up with in my head sound stupid. I would kick myself out of the room if I were Kate. There is nothing that can justify my behavior for the last few months. I’m a horrible human being.
“You’ll be fine. Just relax.” Jasper squeezes my shoulder, and I let out a deep breath in an attempt to blow off some of the nervous energy that’s worked its way through my body. “She’s in room 416.”
I stop dead in my tracks. The proverbial kick to the stomach doubles me over and all of a sudden, I feel as though I’m going to puke. Is this by coincidence or did she ask for this room number? I want to ask Jasper, but I can’t speak; let alone breathe.
“Her family purchased the room. There’s a plaque and everything with your family’s name on it. She wanted the babies delivered there.” Jasper helps me stand upright.
“Babies?” Was that a slip of the tongue or is Jasper holding out on me?
Jasper shrugs it off. “You know what I mean. I’ve always assumed you wanted a big family. Come on. The room is down this way.”
As we come upon Kate’s room, I stop and stare at the plaque next to the door. Goose bumps form on my flesh as I read it. In loving memory of the Bertalucci Family. My eyes fill with water and a rogue tear rolls down my cheek. I’m at a loss for words. I can’t believe she would do this after I left her high and dry for the past seven months. I’m such an asshole—even a bigger one than I thought before.
Jasper knocks on the door, and slowly opens it, peeking his head in. “Is it okay if I come in?”
Kendall runs up to him and wraps her arms around his neck. “Ohhh, I’ve missed you. You’re not allowed to leave for that long again!” She covers his face with kisses, but stops when she sees me. “What is he doing here? I thought I told you it was too soon.”
Her death glare that’s shooting daggers at me is alarming. Shit! This isn’t how I wanted this to go down.
“I thought it would be all right if he came. He’s better—you’ll see.” Jasper pulls her face toward him to redirect Kendall’s attention.
“Katherine doesn’t need this right now. She’s supposed to be on bed rest with no stress.” Kendall glares another round of daggers in my direction. I swear that woman is a military base full of ammunition.
“Why don’t we let her decide what she wants?” Jasper wraps his arm around Kendall and motions with his head for me to follow.
My initial thought is to run for the hills. No one wants me here and the last thing I’d ever want to do is jeopardize Kate’s or the baby’s health. Reluctantly, I enter the room behind Jasper and come face-to-face with an angel. My breath hitches and I’m taken aback by the sight of her. Her face is fuller than the last time I saw her, but it’s glowing and she’s lovely—even more beautiful than I remember.
Kate and I lock eyes. My skin tingles and her presence washes over me. My heart flutters and I’m giddy like a schoolboy. It’s been so long since I felt this way. It’s like a drug and I can’t get enough of it. I never want this feeling to go away.
“You look beautiful.” I don’t know what to say, and those were the first words to pop out of my mouth.
Kate stares at me and doesn’t say a word. Her face is expressionless, and I wonder if she’s okay or if they have her sedated on something to make her like this.
“I think it’s time for you to go.” Kendall latches onto my arm and attempts to pull me out of the room. I don’t break eye contact with Kate. I can’t look away or break that connection for fear I may never see her again. I want to keep this image of her in my memory forever.
“No! He can stay.”
I gasp for air, not realizing I’ve been holding in my breath.
Kendall stops tugging, but doesn’t release my arm. “Are you sure? I’d be happy to kick this pond scum to the curb.”
“No. I need to speak to him. Can you please leave us alone for a few minutes?” Kate never looks away either.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You can’t get worked up.” Kendall finally releases my arm and walks to Kate’s side.
“I’ll be fine. If I need anything, I’ll use the call button. Please, I need some time alone with him.”
Kendall turns around and walks toward the door. I can only imagine the look she’s giving as she moves past me. Unfortunately for her, I’ll never see it. The only person I care to look at is Kate.
When the door finally closes indicating we’re alone, I slowly close the gap between the two of us. I reach out to rub her cheek, but she pulls away.
“Please don’t touch me.”
Her words are like an icepick through my heart. I thought I was prepared for the wrath that I deserve, but I’m not. Kate is not the person I remember. She seems cold and unfeeling. I guess I can’t blame her. I did this to her. I turned her world upside down.
I don’t move any closer. Instead, I wait for her to make the next move. It seems like an eternity and with each second that passes, the emotional gap between us grows wider until it feels like we’re on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon.
“Why?”
The one word she speaks is full of so much meaning and has even more possible answers. I don’t know how to respond to the question. “Why am I here?”
“No. Why did you leave?” Her face lacks emotion but her voice cracks, suggesting the stone wall she’s using as a facade is not impenetrable.
“Because I was a coward. I couldn’t face the thought of you being pregnant with my cousin’s child. I was weak. I let you down.” For the first time, I look away from Kate and focus on a spot on the floor.
“And now?”
Should I tell her that I know it’s my baby or should I continue as if I don’t? “Walking into this room and seeing your face assures me the most important thing is that you’re in my life. I’ve spent so much time trying to forget you and what I’ve done. Jasper helped me sober up and I had an epiphany that I’m no longer the kid I used to be. I’m a man and it’s time I start acting like one. You’re my world. I made the biggest mistake of my life by walking away that day. I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.” I glance up at a Kate.
“You’ve said that to me before. Why should I believe you this time?” Kate finally looks away from me and picks at the tiny fuzz balls attached to the blanket.
“You’re right. I haven’t given you any reason to believe in me. It’s been lip service up until this point. When the going got tough, I took off. I wasn’t the man you needed. I don’t deserve to have you, but you and I both know there’s something between us. There’s this electricity every time I’m in the same room with you. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe again. We’re like yin and yang. We fit.” I could go on and on, but I think it would sound like begging and I’m not ready to sound that pathetic yet. I’d like to see how Kate responds.
She’s silent and continues to stare down while picking at the blanket. I wait, shifting my weight back and forth. The constant tick of Kate’s heart monitor and fetal heart monitors are the only sounds in the room. The tension is palpable and something completely new for us. As awkward as it is, I refuse to think this could be the end of us. I won’t allow that to happen.
“What made you change your mind and come back?” Her voice is soft and I can barely hear what she says.
“I’d like to say I did this on my own, but most of the credit goes to Jasper. I was living in a shithole of a motel drinking myself to death. Jasper somehow got in and refused to leave my side until I sobered up. It was then I had an epiphany and realized what a fool I’ve been.” I take a few steps toward Kate in an attempt to close the gap. I pull a chair to the side of the bed and sit down. She doesn’t protest.
“I can’t forget what you’ve done. I’ll always love you, but I don’t think I can let you back in my heart. I want you to be a father to the babies, but that’s all it can ever be. Too much has happened…”
“Wait a minute.” I hold up my hand barely
able to believe what I’m hearing. “Did you just say babies? As in plural—more than one?”
“Didn’t Jasper tell you?” She looks at me, puzzled. This is the first expression I’ve seen since entering the room.
“Tell me what? What’s going on?” My heart is racing. This is bigger than I’ve ever imagined.
Kate rubs her swollen belly. “We’re having twins—a boy and a girl.”
I stand up and begin to pace the room. I wipe the sweat that has suddenly formed on my brow. What. The. Fuck? Why didn’t Jasper tell me? “Are you sure?”
Kate laughs. “Uh, yeah. I’m pretty damned sure.”
There is so much going on in my head, I don’t know what I’m feeling. Shock, fear, excitement, and elation are just some of the few I can identify. I stop pacing and stare at Kate as though a light came on in my head. “Can I feel your belly?”
Her forehead is wrinkled. That is obviously the last thing she expected me to say. “Ah, I guess.”
I slowly approach the bed. I’m a little hesitant and not sure where to touch her. I reach out my hand and allow it to hover until she grabs it and places it right where she wants it—on her stomach. The babies move. I’m not sure if they’re kicking or what.
“They’re shifting position.”
I look up at Kate, but keep my hand resting on her stomach. I’m mesmerized by what’s going on inside her body. I did this. I created the two people living inside of her. Kate smiles and the warmth that had been missing since I walked into the room has returned.
“This is amazing. I can’t believe you’ve been walking around with these little beings inside of you. What has it been like? Have you been healthy?” I long to put my ear to her stomach and listen for them to make some sort of noise, but I worry that it might be too much too soon.
