by P. S. Power
Things started to hurt inside him again, but in a different, totally emotionally way this time.
That was, he knew, because he wasn't a complete idiot. No, just a partial one. This state of being must have shown on his face, because Penny took a step back. Fear flashing in over her face.
"What? I..." She took another step back. "What's wrong?"
Not bothering to fix his own expression, he tried to explain.
"Braid. If she's been using me this whole time, since before I was even born, then how many of those people that I've killed... How many were actually needed? I always trusted that my power took me to take the place of people that were about to die all the time. Not all of them, but those I could save. There were a few that I couldn't save though, weren't there? Melany Miller, and Barbara Dorn. It's pretty clear now that those events shaped huge portions of what I became. After the thing in Canada, when I lost Melany... I kind of went nuts. I mean, after that, all I did practically was kill people. Executing them. Sometimes for doing pretty much what you have been. Taking on faith that I wouldn't have been there if someone weren't about to die." It was hard to articulate. The words came, but Brian wasn't certain at all that they were going to be clear enough for Penny to get. It might have been elitist of him, but the fact was, he was simply smarter than the girl next to him.
Still, that didn't mean she was incapable of understanding things when they were presented to her. Or even seeing things that he'd missed. Like what pretty much had to be going on with Mary. Not that he'd really missed it. No, he'd just been in denial of the whole thing, which was a bit different.
"Fuck... Brian..." She didn't try to make sense of it, but it was clear she could see what he did too.
"Yeah. I might have just been going around making up reasons to kill people that didn't need it. Not all the time. I mean that wouldn't have worked. I'm not that delusional. I don't think so, I mean. Still, there are a lot of things that I've been doing, that I haven't even thought about. Like with rapists. All of the rapists that I've ever gone to stop have been men. Why is that? Outside of prison men are sexually abused at nearly the same rate as women, and a lot of the abusers are women. But not even once did I show up to throw some girl off of a sleeping guy. Or show up to tell a woman that threatening to tell everyone that the man raped her in order to make him sleep with her was wrong."
It hit hard, but there was a lot more than that, wasn't there?
"Then, I didn't show up for men doing that either. Just in situations where I could justify killing someone." They hadn't always been men, at least. So he was an equal opportunity monster.
No tears came, but Penny did move back in, and put an arm over his shoulder. She was warm, but not that soft. The girl kept herself in shape, after all.
"You did what you had to. What seemed like the best thing at the time. Even now, knowing what you do about Braid, it still seems right, doesn't it? Yeah, you killed people. They would have hurt others though, if you didn't. Some of them would have killed you, if you hadn't acted instantly. You didn't have a choice."
"Didn't I? All of it, every single thing I did, was part of Devorah Timberland's master plan to take over the world, for the rest of time. For all I know, if I would have let even one of those rapists go that I didn't, or... I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have made any real difference in the end? The thing is, I brought us to this point. Me. I didn't have a choice that I can see either. I did what I thought was the right thing the whole time, and now... I have to wonder."
She didn't let go of him, or come up with some great words of wisdom. After a bit though she did kiss him on the cheek, laughing a bit when she pulled back.
"There I go again. I didn't ask permission."
He nodded, getting the idea.
"I know. I'm probably one of the only people in the world that you can really do that with too. Or I was. If I can tell you not to do it, then the rest has to be my responsibility, doesn't it. If I fail to say the words, then it's my problem. It's so complicated. Maybe that's the real point though? I've been thinking of things as being black and white the whole time. I show up, make a judgment about what needs to be done, and simply killed most of the time. Sure, I saved lives too, but there was no way that I could have known if they were the right ones all the time. How many people did I execute that I could have talked into not having a problem?" Shaking his head, he sat down on the bare and slightly scorched ground. It would get his tan clothing a bit dirty, but at the moment he didn't really care.
Penny sat next to him, her arm still around him.
"What can I say to make it better? You've told me about Braid, and I have to admit she's tough, and probably has been messing with us all for a long time. I really thought that I'd be the one to take her out, in the end. That I could just walk up to her and end it all. Shoot her in the back of the head, and save the world by defeating her power. Then when I got the chance, it did exactly nothing to help us. I mean, it's pretty clear that she hasn't been screwing with me like she has you, but that's only because I'm not as important to her. The thing is, Brian, I can't even really see that anything is going on here, otherwise. I don't think any of us can?" It was a question, but still rocked him a bit.
After all, that had to be part of it. Only a very few people in the world could see what had happened. No one else really thought of him as being the center of it, either. His friends were willing to go along with the idea that he had some secret insight into the whole thing, but how many of them got how central he was to everything? Even after being told, a lot of them would write it off to being his first mode, wouldn't they? His desire to save them all turning the whole thing into a thing that only he could fix. By sacrificing himself.
For all he knew that was simply the real truth. In that case, doing anything was silly of him. The only thing there was that he could sense the future too perfectly now. Everything was laid out so smoothly for him that he knew, for a fact, then it couldn't be his mode making him see things that weren't there.
What was it Mary had said to him? That Braid's plan really didn't matter, for them? That what would, or might, happen in hundreds or thousands of years wasn't really their responsibility and didn't impact them personally? To him that kind of thing sounded insane. Did it really seem all right to normal people though? If he asked them, what would anyone else think about it all?
"Say, Penny... Can I ask you something?"
The girl nodded, her face finally seeming a bit happier.
"Sure. Blowjob, right? I can do that." As if she weren't kidding she started to sink down to her knees. Brian laughed though and shook his head. It was tempting, but no. He wouldn't do that to Mary, no matter what else was going on, or how confused he felt at the moment.
"If... Okay. I can undo what Devorah did. Maybe. If I do that, I don't know what your life will become. A lot of people will die in the next months if I do nothing. Millions of people, but, for us, for the Infected in general, things will get better. All I have to do is let all those innocent people be killed, and so many things will be fixed. For thousands of years. You, personally will get to have a pretty good life, too. If I make that stop, and interfere with it, then... I don't know what will happen to you. It could be pretty bad. You might die earlier than you should, or never be loved, or... Who knows what else? If I do that though, it's pretty clear that life will go on, humanity will, for a lot longer than what it will right now. What should I do?"
The girl, her eyes going a bit wide, finally shook her head, and finished kneeling.
"That's too much for me to figure out. I'm not like you, Brian. Inside I'm kinda evil. A pirate. Taking what I need from the world and not really caring what it does to anyone else. Is that really who you want making that sort of decision? You were just second guessing those people you killed, but to me it seems like they all deserved to die. I never doubt the ones that I've killed. I don't even think about it. Even the people that I've had sex with, without their knowing it... I honestly don't car
e. I mean, it was fun at the time, and they don't remember it now. That isn't good, and I do hear you. I have to change. That doesn't mean that I think anyone else is really that important, you know?"
He got the idea, though it was different than he would have thought. Penny, his shy seeming friend, who was reaching for the front of his trousers at the moment, was a psychopath. Brian smiled and stepped back.
"So, you'd vote for you getting the best life you can?"
"Of course. That's why people like me shouldn't get a vote though, isn't it? I'm not like you. In the end, most people aren't worth the lead to put a bullet through their brain, but a few people are. So, we have you to make that choice for us. Is it better for me to have a good life for sure, or to have to risk being miserable forever, so that a bunch of people I don't know can live? I know my answer, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't the good one."
She shuffled forward a bit on her knees.
"Now, if you're going to go off and die, I should at least get to send you off in style, no?"
Brian took her under the arms, and helped her up. It hurt, since it wasn't what he was supposed to be doing. That shocked him a bit, since it meant his power was saying he should be doing something a lot less than noble, wasn't it? If that was the case, then was he actually one of the good guys at all?
"Don't worry. There will be time for that kind of thing later." He didn't really see how, but the words just came out anyway.
Hopefully, he was right.
Chapter ten
Later, after sitting and thinking alone in the wasteland, Penny having realized that he actually wasn't rejecting her, and still wasn't going to have sex, Brian went home. Or at least to Mary's. He was hurting, and in a lot of ways now. The talk he'd had with Penny had opened up every wound he had, inside his mind.
He, as it turned out, might not be a good guy at all.
Oh, it was clear that he really meant well. People may, or may not, get that about him, but that was his motivation for everything that he'd ever done. The most selfish thing he'd managed was actually leaving college. That had hurt his parents, and led to them breaking up. Not that it had been his fault. Even that, he could see now, had been influenced to a specific end. To get him to end up in Vancouver, Washington, working at a toilet paper factory, filling boxes for eight hours a day.
That was where he'd met Doug. His best friend, but also the one that had introduced him to Carla. Who'd infected them both, as unlikely as it was to have happened at all. Almost everything that had happened in his entire life, including each woman he didn't ask out, had been a part of shaping him into what he'd finally become.
A tool to control the entire world.
Meaning well or not, it was what he'd become, wasn't it?
So, summoning a bit of focus, even though there was a new flash of pain over doing it at all, Brian went and took over the store from Mary. She scurried off to fix something for dinner, as if it were her duty. Really, he should have been the one doing that, but he didn't really know how to cook, did he? The idea kept coming up, but he still hadn't learned. It would mean sacrificing his time and a bit of effort, but for some reason he kept putting that off. So he swept and ran the till, until nine o'clock, when it was time to eat.
The table in the house was set nicely, considering it was just them. The good china had been put out, and there were real napkins, instead of the paper ones that got used most of the time. Mary had changed from the jeans and t-shirt that she'd been wearing earlier, into a lovely blue skirt, with a soft sweater on top in a different shade of blue. Her face was made up, softening her features a bit.
He was just himself, dressed in tan military gear and looking like he always did. Lean and hard, but so far from pretty that it wasn't even a thought in anyone's head, most days.
Brian didn't speak, since he had a feeling, a sense really, that when he did, a part of his life was going to end. It wasn't fair. He knew that. Mary had been the only woman that he'd loved who'd even pretended to love him back.
Well, Karen had, but her first mode had sort of forced her into it. With Mary it had been real. He'd thought. Rather than ruin these last moments, he smiled, and ate the rice and vegetables. There was a thin brown sauce with it, and braised beef. Not a lot, but it meant something, didn't it? Mary didn't eat that kind of thing often, so it was for him. Something special, to show that she was thinking about what he'd like, or need.
They got through the entire meal with no more than a few pleasantries. The thing there was that she actually seemed happy enough. Contented, just to be there with him. After the meal was finished, and he helped wash the dishes, so she wouldn't be stuck with them later, he turned, ready to confront her.
She kissed him, instead.
"Let's go to the bedroom?"
It wasn't what he'd had in mind, but he went, making love to her as well as he could. Knowing inside that it was probably for the last time. It hurt, in a way. Like he was tricking her, or using her body, knowing that it wasn't real. Then, he wasn't there to break up with her, just ask her a question. That he kind of knew what that would bring about, well, it had to be said, didn't it?
When they lay there, after it was all over, or almost over, with her breathing a little heavily, he finally said the words. Regretting them before they even came out, but knowing it had to be said.
"Mary... Are you with me because... Devorah set it up?" He was ready to explain his reasoning. His thoughts on the matter. It wasn't that hard to see, after all. There really were too many things that didn't make sense otherwise. Even her taking him in when they first met was odd, wasn't it?
That wasn't the sort of thing that single women did. Hiring some strange man that had just walked in for room and board? He was about to set up the whole picture for her, when she pulled away a bit, sitting up so that she could look at him. Her face troubled.
"Oh. Aye." Then she stopped, as if waiting for him to say something about it. Like he knew what to do next? He'd kind of expected her to deny it, or explain how it had been a bit of a trick. Braid was good at things like that. Maybe she'd put them both together, knowing what would happen, but not telling Mary first?
Her face went hard then, and she looked away. Not getting up, and still touching him with her side.
"Devorah came to me... Some sixty years ago now. In our own world. She told me of this place, and how I could bring her and some others here, and live a better life. Even how it would lead to us saving our own home, eventually. All I had to do was trap an innocent and good man into loving me. It was how she put it. An innocent and good man." She didn't so much as glance at him, the expression he could see in the slightly dark room being more than a bit gloomy. "All I had to do was wait for you, giving you the appearance of affection, and then do so again, later, when you returned to find me. I even got to have a life, outside that task. I married, and ran my store, and then when you came the second time, I just needed to keep you in place, with my body. Say gentle words and let you feel that life isn't a horrible thing that isn't worth living. It was... Always part of the plan. I was even given a drawing of you, before we met, so that I'd know who to be watchful for, as well as your name."
He didn't care for the sound of that at all, but nodded. It made sense, didn't it? Devorah had used her, in order to gain access to the world they were in.
"So, for your own freedom and to save a world..."
There was a dark chuckle then, and a head shake. She still didn't look at him.
"Nay, Brian Yi. You make me out to be too noble and far thinking. Twas but a lark, at first. A chance to live a life uncontrolled by others, except the Timberland witch. I cared not about the world ending. It wasn't until you mentioned the Elcampayn children, all those decades ago, and Advocate Hobbs having stolen them away to life here, that I recalled what I'd been told at all. Then, well, we were tied together, were we not? By the child that we have in common. Scott Chambers. Our Bridget as well. So I played my part, and tried my best to let you feel l
oved. It was what I'd been sent here for."
There was a bit of coldness then, but he understood, he thought. Brian knew better than to ask about it, since he didn't really want an answer, did he? No, he wanted her to tell him that she'd loved him anyway. That he'd managed to win her heart, even if it had started out as a job for her.
For some reason, Mary kept talking.
"You aren't a bad man, Brian Yi. In many ways you are perhaps the best of men. I don't regret our time together, or the child we had, but... I do not love you. It is no failure of your own, please don't think that! I'm simply too old for such things. It happens with enough age. I fooled you perhaps, into thinking I was able to be loving and kind, but it was an act. Set in motion, as you said, by the Timberland witch. I can see, I always knew, that it was unfair to you. That I'd allowed you to love unwisely, and should not have. Now..." She sighed, and then smiled, a bit sadly. "Now I shall die. I see no other way for you to save face in this. It is my fate. True, that was not a thing mentioned when first I was approached with the idea." She didn't move, waiting for him to kill her.
Instead he sat up himself.
"Right, because I'm a killer? I wonder if that was what Devorah thought that I'd do when this point came? Lash out like an angry child, at you, because you didn't love me well enough? No, that isn't my way. This world isn't like yours. We're better, in that single way, really. I'll just go, and try to remember the good times, and..." He felt like crying, since he was about to walk away from the only love that he'd ever really had. Brian didn't though. Like it or not, he knew that she was finally being honest with him. "Well, I hope that you have some good thoughts about me as well? Even if you couldn't love me, I hope that not all the time we spent together was horrible for you."
That got him a smile and a hug.
"No. Never that. You are kind and gentle, and sweet. That was a thing I didn't expect, you know. I'd thought that each time we laid together it would be like being used by an animal, but you made sure that I was treated tenderly, and well. We must part now, but... I do, I will, always remember you fondly, Brian." She touched his face, holding the bed sheet up, over her breasts. Standing, he dressed, then, without planning to pause, he started to leave, from the bedroom that they'd shared so many times.
