Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  Those looks hurt me more than if he would just ignore me.

  Being ignored is easy. Getting the pity smile sucked. That was the one that was hard to take. That was the one that felt like my guts were being ripped out.

  What was I supposed to do? Give them a weak arse smile back in return? It always felt weird. So most times, I dropped my eyes and walked on. I never knew what to do, what to say, so I avoided having to do anything.

  In fact, now I kept my head down most of the time and just kept walking.

  Nobody needed to see my face.

  It was just easier.

  I kept my strawberry blonde hair long and loose specifically to act as my shield. Out of sight and hopefully out of mind. I wore my non-descript clothes three sizes too big for exactly the same reason. Don’t draw attention to yourself Eden, was my mantra. Originally my choice of clothes had been more comfortable after the fire out of necessity. Later, as I’d finally started to venture out of the house, they’d just become part of my armour.

  People didn’t need to see the burn scars that ran from my hairline, down the right side of my face, over my ear, neck and the right side of my body to my hip. The scars were ugly and red. Raised in some places, shiny and weird in others.

  Looking at them just made people feel embarrassed, which made me feel awkward and even more embarrassed, too.

  The scars were long healed but I’d carry the memories forever in my mind, and even more so every time I looked in the mirror. Those scars had changed my whole life in a few short seconds. As long as I live, I’ll never regret saving my sisters, but that was the night all my dreams went out the window.

  The life I had all mapped out went up in smoke along with our ramshackle house.

  It’s funny how something so quick and unexpected can alter the whole course of your life in seconds. I often ponder the irony of it.

  The universe’s timing sucked.

  I was so close, in fact I had it, but now I’d never taste the sweetness of the dream I’d held since I was a little girl.

  That was snatched away from me, along with my face and the perfect skin on my body.

  It was laughable really, how fate worked. Just the week before, I’d signed a modelling contract with a well-connected modelling agent when the accident happened. I even had the first advance payment in my bank account.

  That contract had been the ticket to my future. It had been my pass to freedom—a better life for my family.

  Three minutes and it was all gone.

  That’s how quick your dreams can disappear.

  Three minutes.

  Now I’m stuck here in the suburbs of Logan, on the outskirts of Brisbane, where I’ve spent most of my life. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my life and they still don’t feel like they fit together; no matter how I arrange them.

  There won’t be any amazing world destinations for me. Hell, the idea of having my photo taken even for a passport sends me into a cold sweat and I know I’d be fighting off a panic attack. Who wants to go through that?

  I’ve gone from the girl that loved the camera, to the recluse that despises it. Not only does the camera represent the memory of my dreams gone, it also serves to provide constant reminders of just how ugly my face now looks.

  Cindy grabbed hold of my wrist and my mind collided back into the present. “So you’ll give me your notes, won’t you?”

  I didn’t say anything, warring with myself on what I should do.

  “You’re the smartest girl in our class; I need your notes.” What she didn’t say was that I was also the ugliest. The one benefit of having a face like mine, was the lack of distractions. When you had no social life, studying was a cinch. What else was I going to do? It’s not as if I had lots of invites to parties...

  I really wanted to say no. I wanted to tell her that if she bothered to turn up to class, she wouldn’t need to be borrowing mine. I wanted to tell her to get the lecturer’s notes from the web. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, including the fact that I absolutely didn’t like her and to go and take a very long walk off a very short plank. But I didn’t. I did what I always do. I kept my head down and mumbled.

  “Sure, I’ll email them to you.”

  She burst forth with, “Thanks Eden. You’re the best,” and I nearly drowned in her bullshit. She trotted off back to the other beautiful people—mission accomplished.

  I nodded and scurried off. I just needed to be gone. I’d been used again. I was hopeless. Why couldn’t I just stand up for myself anymore? Why couldn’t I be assertive? Sure, I could renege on my agreement with her, but I knew I wouldn’t.

  I knew the answer to all those questions I asked myself—because it was easier to just be invisible, the little voice in my head kept saying. Don’t bring attention to yourself. People don’t want to have to acknowledge the ugly girl. The freak.

  That’s what you soon realise when you’re different. People don’t know how to act around you. From the time we’re born the vast majority of people are conditioned to fit in with the norm. Don’t make a scene. Don’t rock the boat. Then there are others, the bullies. The cruel people that are so insecure themselves, they build themselves up by cutting others down.

  I’d met them, too. I’ve met them all. In the five years since the fire I’d met all types of people. The carers, the nurturers, the bullies, the uncomfortable, the overbearing—I could go on. I’d taken pigeon holing people to an art form. I could box them up into one of my little categories within a few seconds of meeting them.

  I’d seen them all.

  I pulled my overlarge jacket tighter around me in defence to the wind and walked on.

  From the university grounds I headed down the street a little way, passing a few people, but not once did I look up or make eye contact. The pavement was more than capable of holding my attention. I could describe every crack in that pavement between my house, the university and the coffee shop I was about to enter. I knew them all.

  I took a seat in the far corner booth and slunk down into the high backed bench. We chose this café because it was where I felt most comfortable. If you could call it that. Here the high backed booths provided me with a little anonymity, which made me feel more secure.

  People couldn’t easily or accidentally see my face. It was one of the few places outside of the house I felt comfortable.

  As soon as I sat down I felt a little of the tension drain from my body. Mentally and emotionally attending university lectures and tutorials three days a week was very tough. Sure it was easier now than it had been when I started last year, but it was still tough.

  I picked up the menu that I knew by heart more out of habit than anything else and glanced down the options. I knew what I was going to have, but I still liked to look even though I never found the courage to order what I really wanted.

  “Hey Eden, how you doing today honey?” Sally the middle aged waitress asked. She’d known me for years and I felt comfortable with her. My story was well known around here.

  “Well thanks, Sally, and you?”

  “Just great honey. I’m off in about an hour and my Dave is taking me out to a movie tonight.”

  “That sounds like fun.” I replied almost automatically because it did. The last movie I’d been to was over five years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I was the full bottle on all the latest movies albeit about three to six months behind the times. As soon as they appeared on iTunes, they were mine.

  “Oh, it will be. Now what can I get you? The normal?”

  “Please, Sally, that would be great.”

  Just as she was finishing jotting down my order, my sisters Sophia and Tori came rushing in and slid into the seat opposite me.

  “Hey, Edie, how you going?” Sophia beamed at me.

  “I’m good.”

  “Do you ladies want me to come back or do you know what you want?”

  “Well have our regulars, please.” Tori answered with a big smile for Sally.

 
; “What do you have in cakes today, Sal? I’m starving.” Sophia asked, her big expressive eyes glittering.

  “You’re always starving girl.” Sally chuckled good-naturedly. “Must be all the exercise you do. We’ve got a really nice pineapple upside down cake. That would be my pick with a big dollop of whipped cream—people have been telling me it’s out of this world.”

  Sophia’s mouth formed into a happy grin and I could almost see her salivating at the idea. My little sister had a hell of a sweet tooth. In fact, I’m almost positive that girl survived on sugar alone.

  “We’ll take three serves.” Sophia confirmed for Sally.

  “Sounds good to me. I’m starved, that’ll be lunch. I decided to take my lunch break late so I could catch up with you two.” Tori sat back and a big growl let loose from her tummy.

  Sally turned and raised a brow at Tori. “Guess I’d better hurry that order right up.” Before I could protest, Sally turned and was gone.

  “There’s no way I could eat a piece of cake from here. The servings are huge,” I grumbled. “Plus the calories will just go to my hips.”

  “Why do you even care?” Tori fired back without thinking and her carelessness hit me hard. “It’s not like you ever gain any weight. You still fit into the same clothes that you had when you were sixteen.”

  I let out the breath I’d grabbed when her choice of words had struck. Tori hadn’t meant it as an attack. In fact she’d meant it as a compliment, but I was just so damned sensitive to everything—even stuff my sisters said. It pissed me off. I knew in my heart my sisters would never be cruel. Occasionally they could be insensitive, but then that happened in families without people with disfigurements. That was just part and parcel of how families worked. Why did I always flinch? I needed to toughen up. I knew this. I was trying.

  “I don’t really care about the calories.” Once upon a time counting calories was a prominent part of my day. Now I didn’t bother and yes, it didn’t seem to matter. I always seemed to stay slim. “I’m just not very hungry.”

  Sophia looked up from the text message she’d been sending. “What happened?”

  My younger sister was always intuitive where I was concerned. I didn’t need to say a word, she just seemed to know.

  I glanced up at the door, trying to avoid eye contact with her.

  “Don’t pull that avoidance crap with me. Who upset you?” Sophia was the assertive type and she took crap from no one.

  I used to be like her once. I used to be a lot of things, confident was just one of those things.

  “No one,” I muttered more to myself than in answer to her.

  “Just tell me, Edie. You know I’ll badger you till you tell me what happened.” And wasn’t that the truth. She really would.

  I sighed. “I agreed to give Cindy Tomlinson my lecture notes.”

  “Why the hell would you do that?” Sophia demanded in horror. Tori just giggled a little.

  “Because I’m weak and stupid and it was just easier.” My defence sounded totally pathetic even to me. What did you say when you had an indefensible position?

  “Just easier. I’m sick of hearing that, Eden. Tell her to bugger off and do her own notes. She just wants a free ride. You don’t owe her shit. You need to start standing up for yourself.” There was anger and frustration in Sophia’s voice.

  That’s just one of the many things I loved about my sister. Never once through this whole process had she tried to mollycoddle me. Sophia seemed to see me just as she always had.

  “You’re right I do,” I agreed quietly. She was right. I knew it in my heart. I just couldn’t seem to break out of the little world the scars had created and I’d perpetuated.

  “So do it!”

  Fortunately Sally chose that moment to return with our drinks. She passed a tall ice-coffee full of whipped cream to me, an ice chocolate to Sophia and a caramel milkshake to Tori. That was just another sacrifice my sisters made for me.

  Ever since the fire I couldn’t stand to be near hot things. Particularly things that could potentially burn me easily, like hot drinks or soup. What I wouldn’t give to drink a latte, but that wasn’t something I saw in the immediate future for me.

  Sally returned a moment later and placed a plate with the rich cake and cream in front of each of us.

  We ate in silence for a few moments. Sally was right. The cake was out of this world. My sweet tooth was only slightly less ravenous than Sophia’s.

  A group of young men and a couple of older guys came in and sat down in the back booth on the opposite wall. Instinctively I moved my left shoulder a little further forward to make sure the wall beside me hid my scars and I let my hair fall forward shielding my face.

  I saw Sophia and Tori wave across to them from underneath my lashes.

  Curiosity got the better of me and I asked but I couldn’t keep the uncertainty or edginess from my voice. “Do you know them?”

  Sophia let out a little bit of an annoyed huff. “Sure. It’s Sensei Xander, Dane and a few of the other guys from the dojo.”

  I nodded but said nothing more. Sophia had been a regular at the Onigashima Fighters Dojo for the last couple of years. In fact, she did classes four or five times a week and was quickly moving up the ranks in the various martial arts styles she studied.

  “You know you really should come and join us, Edie. You’d have a great time and it would be good for you.” Tori suggested. Six months ago Tori had joined Sophia. Although Tori only attended classes a couple of times a week because she had late classes the other nights.

  Tori was working in retail during the day and studying to be a beautician another two nights a week. I admired her. Tori had basically left school and immediately found a job in one of the more up market boutiques in the local mall. University wasn’t for her. Tori knew what she wanted to do and was out there making it happen.

  I needed to do the same.

  And I was to a degree. This was the first semester I’d taken a full course of subjects. I’d still had nearly a year of school left to finish when the fire happened. The first year after the fire I did nothing but recover from the burns. I was in and out of hospital so many times it all became a blur. Hospital became home and home was some other place where I hung out occasionally when I wasn’t in hospital. My family had moved into another rented house in the same neighbourhood.

  It took me another two years to finish school part time at home. Then I managed to do my first year of university part time last year, with minimal actual hours logged on campus. Now I’d taken on a full course load and attended all my lectures and tutorials. I needed to force myself out of my shell—but it’s not easy.

  “Are you even listening to us?” Sophia demanded.

  I snapped back to the conversation. Whoops! I was in my head even worse than normal today. I kept disappearing off into my own thoughts. Being in my own head was a double edged sword; my counsellor and I had decided. It was a safe place for me to retreat to, but it was also an avoidance strategy; one that allowed me to disappear and not engage with the people around me.

  “Ah sorry. I have been listening, I guess I’m just a bit distant today.”

  “Well, get with the program, Edie!” Tori joked at me affectionately.

  “Working on it short stuff.” Short stuff had always been my nickname for Tori although she was now as tall as me at 5’10. It was just one of those things that stuck.

  We were all giggling and I guess my guard was a little down because I suddenly realised we were no longer alone at our table. I dropped my head and tilted my jaw slightly to the right to avoid my scars being seen. Suddenly, the half eaten cake on my plate became very interesting.

  “Hey Soph, Tori. How are you girls going?” Whoever he was, he surely had a sexy voice. It seemed to slide over my raw nerves and even soothed them a little. I used my hearing far more than my sight now because I chose to keep my head down. This meant that in a lot of ways my hearing had become my primary sense.

 
; “Umm, just fuelling up before you work me over tonight.” I could hear the sheepishness in Sophie’s voice.

  He laughed then. It was a rich, resonating sound that seemed to tickle over me. My skin was starting to twitch just from hearing him. I couldn’t resist. Curiosity was screaming at me to really look at him, but to do that I’d have to show my face. I turned my head slightly hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the shiny metal of the sugar dish without looking up and right at him. But my hair was blocking the view. I longed to flick it back but fear squeezed me from the inside out.

  “An occasional treat never hurt anyone. And you’re right. I’ve got a big sparring session planned for tonight. You’ll work off whatever you eat,” he good naturedly ribbed back.

  “Can’t wait.” Sophie’s voice was sarcastic but it was easy to tell she was joking and I’d bet my favourite baggy hoodie that she couldn’t wait to get stuck into training.

  “You should come along and watch, Edie. I’m going along tonight, too.” Tori prompted.

  Fear struck through me. I hated the conversation directed to me, particularly when there were strangers involved. I could have cursed Tori. She knew better than to put me on the spot like this. I could just see her smirking face across the table from underneath my lashes as my throat started to constrict.

  “You’re more than welcome to come along and watch. I encourage people to come along and see for themselves what it’s all about.” Oh, there was that voice again.

  I was torn. I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to see the embarrassment and the man with the beautiful voice looking uncomfortable when he realised what my face looked like.

  Surely there was a limit to the torture?

  Manners, fear, self-consciousness all warred within me.