Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  “Come on. Edie. You need to hurry,” Tori urged, downing food and slapping together another one.

  They were just expecting me to go with them. We hadn’t talked about it. They’d just assumed and, if I was being fair, it was probably a reasonable assumption. I hadn’t exactly said no. But I certainly hadn’t said yes.

  And the war within me notched up another level.

  I’d been fretting over going with them ever since Xander had suggested it earlier this afternoon.

  I really wanted to go. I wanted to see what they did, what made them so excited and keen to go back for multiple sessions each week.

  I did.

  But there was a huge part of me that didn’t. I didn’t feel comfortable around people my own age. I found them to be far more judgemental then older people. I also didn’t feel very comfortable around men. So many times I’ve watched guys see the left side of my face and make a bee-line for me only to almost shriek away in horror when they see the scars down the right side of my face. You’d think it was something that I’d have gotten used to by now.

  No! Hell No!

  No one wants to be the ugly girl. The freak.

  No girl wants to have guys retreat away from her after making a snap judgment based solely on appearance.

  They both looked at me expectantly, mouths chewing. I glanced between them, then stared at my own plate.

  “Umm, I’m not going. I have a paper to finish.” It was true. I did have a paper to finish. I’d already drafted it. I was at the polishing it stage and I just wanted to make sure it was as perfect as I could make it before I handed it in.

  Sophia let out an unladylike snort. “Told you, Tor. I knew it. There was no way she was going to go.” With that Sophia spun on her heel and headed from the kitchen, her long braid swishing angrily from side to side.

  Tori just looked at me with those big blue eyes of hers pleading. I almost caved…I really did but…

  “Come on, Tor,” Sophia yelled from the front door.

  “Next time, Edie.” Tori’s voice was barely more than a whisper and I could see, hear and feel the pain this caused her and I felt another wave of guilt wash over me as tears pricked the backs of my eyes.

  Fortunately, she turned and hurried off before the first one fell down my cheek. My throat felt dry and scratchy and the plates of food in front me blurred as the tears started to block my vision.

  I hated so many things about my life but I couldn’t seem to find the door to leave them all behind me. The walls seemed to be closing in around me. I hopped up and ran to my room and threw myself on the bed. The mattress was one of those soft spongy ones and it seemed to swallow me whole and a big part of me wished it was the universe and not just the mattress that swallowed me whole. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d wondered if it would have been easier if I hadn’t managed to fight my way through the flames.

  * * *

  Xander

  I stood behind the front desk of my dojo, Onigashima, and watched my students file in. It was something that I always got a real kick out of, and a sense of satisfaction. When my fight career had come to an end, I opened the dojo. I needed something to do for the long haul and martial arts was about all I knew. Fortunately, it was also something I loved. It had became such an integral part of me over the years, it seemed like the most natural thing for me to do was to teach it and coach fighters.

  Sure, I could have gone back to school and continued my education, but that didn’t feel right nor did I have a clue what I would have studied. I did the only thing that made sense to me, and felt comfortable—Onigashima was it.

  “Evening, Sensei,” my students said to me as they nodded when they came through the front doors. They brought their arms up and across their chests in the bow of respect that I demanded.

  “Evening Josh, Cassie.” They both headed left through to the main room off reception that hosted the mat and thousands of dollars of floor to ceiling mirrors.

  I looked over some paperwork and shuffled a few things around the reception desk, feeling restless and agitated. Would she show? This question kept running through my mind. My belly felt as if it was drawn tight with anticipation, and my head was screaming at me to stop being so damned ridiculous and act cool. For crying out loud, I was the head of this school and I trained a bunch of the most bad arse fighters going around.

  We weren’t called the Oni Fighters for nothing. Demons is exactly what we were. It perfectly described how we trained, fought and approached everything.

  I moved over to grab my water bottle and downed a few mouthfuls, anything to keep my hands busy. Right then, I decided I was going to make tonight’s session even more physical. I needed to let off some steam. Dane and I would go a few rounds. Show off some techniques. The release would feel good.

  A few more students came in and headed through to the mats. I glanced up and checked the clock for what seemed to be the hundredth time in the last ten minutes—ten to seven.

  They’d be here any second. The girls were never late and always left themselves a couple of minutes at least to prepare before class started.

  I looked out into the darkness and as if on command, Sophia and then Tori appeared from the shadows cast by the yellowy lights in the car park. It was well lit but this was hardly a good area by anyone’s standards, however, having a dojo around seemed to have reduced the crime and incidents in this street at least. At least that’s what the local business owners had been telling me.

  I looked past them hoping to see Eden’s silhouette emerge as well and the tightness in my stomach turned to disappointment.

  She wasn’t coming.

  My brain immediately jumped to “Maybe she’d be along later?” I struggled to understand just how this was happening.

  Sophia strode in full of confidence and popped a polished bow, with Tori following suit right behind her.

  “Evening, Sensei,” they both said, almost in unison.

  “Evening, ladies.” They went to move off but before they’d even taken a step my mouth opened and the words were falling out. “Eden not joining us?”

  Sophia spun around and had a disappointed look on her face. “Not tonight. We tried, we really did but she has some assignment due or something.”

  We both knew it was a cop out. I nodded in understanding and the girls hurried away to prepare for tonight’s session.

  Over the next few minutes a few more students passed on their way to class. At a couple of minutes to seven, I slipped the heavy fabric of the gi jacket over my singlet top and grabbed my black belt that was heavily embroided with Japanese symbols and stripes indicating my rank. Without even thinking about it, I tied the belt in a perfect knot, both ends sitting dead level. I stepped out from behind the reception desk and shifted my mind into class mode. The exercise would definitely feel good.

  An hour and a half later I had worked my students hard and they were beginning to file out looking hot and tired. Most were taking long pulls from their water bottles as they bowed and exited the doors.

  Finally, Tori and Sophia made their way to the reception area chatting to Cassie as they went.

  They were about to bow and head out when I did it again.

  “Have you got a moment, Sophia?”

  She let the heavy duffle bag, carrying her equipment, slide to the ground and she stepped forward towards the desk.

  Tori looked between us briefly. “I’ll meet you at the car,” she said, then bowed and headed out with Cassie.

  Sophia stood there with expectation on her face but said nothing. Even though class was finished my stature as head of the school remained in place and was respected to the letter, particularly by the lower level students. Sophia was making rapid progress but she’d not made it to brown belt yet.

  “I wanted to talk to you about Eden.” I saw the surprise in her face, it was definitely not what she’d been expecting.

  “Oh?”

  It seemed surreal to me that I’d even started this conve
rsation. What was I thinking?

  “I was thinking Eden might like to attend the grading and BBQ afterwards this Sunday. You mentioned earlier that your parents are both away and I was thinking you might like to have some family there for the presentations.” It sounded lame to my ears. Sophia and Tori were both adults so they hardly needed family there. After all, they had each other there. But I couldn’t seem to help myself, so I said it firmly and used every ounce of my standing as the Sensei and pushed it through.

  Sophia shifted her weight from foot to foot looking uncertain. “Umm… that’s a really nice idea but I’m not sure she’ll come. You probably guessed—she doesn’t do crowds.”

  “I figured that, but surely she needs to get out occasionally?”

  Sophia shrugged. “You won’t get any argument from me on that, but Eden doesn’t do anything until she’s good and ready. At the moment the extent of that is going to university. ”

  I took a couple of things from what Sophia said. First, she was probably more than a little frustrated with Eden’s progress towards migrating back into society. The other, was that Eden could obviously be strong minded and hard to shift.

  “I figured as much. I guess it can’t be easy for her?”

  “No, it’s not but she is getting better.” I could tell that Sophia was wary talking to me about Eden and that was understandable. After all, I knew both Sophia and Tori in the capacity of their Sensei and now I was suddenly asking about their sister.

  “Well, I just thought she might enjoy coming along and she could be there to support you both in your grading.” God! I was sure I sounded like a sap,

  Sophia nodded. “I’ll mention it to her.”

  “You do that. Goodnight, Sophia.”

  “Night, Sensei.” She bowed again, grabbed her bag and disappeared out the door.

  I picked up a rubber band and started to flick it between my fingers thinking over what had just been said.

  “You’ve got it bad, mate.” I spun around and there was Dane lounging against the door frame that connected my office to the reception area. He’d come in through the other door in my office and I hadn’t even realised he’d approached because I was so deep in my head. Dane, being Dane, didn’t miss the fact I’d not realised he’d approached.

  I said nothing to avoid giving myself away, but I had known that thoughtful look on Dane’s face for too long. He saw right through me.

  “Nothing, hey?”

  I glared at him and he did exactly as I expected. He laughed at me.

  “Haven’t you got a class to teach?” I reminded him between gritted teeth.

  “Yes, Sensei. I do” He was mocking the hell out of me. Dane was only one belt below me and had been my best friend for what seemed like forever. We saw ourselves as equals even if our belts said differently. Dane was a fighter, too, but unlike me he had a few other interests outside the dojo. One of those being a small service station that he’d inherited from his grandfather a couple of years ago. He’d also started an online business selling martial arts equipment.

  He fancied himself as a bit of an entrepreneur and truth be told he wasn’t doing too badly for himself at all. His desire and success in the ring was coming to him later, unlike me who had been thrust into the professional ranks when I was barely more than twenty.

  Still he didn’t move, and it was really beginning to piss me off.

  “Well? Am I missing something here?”

  His mouth twitched. “Rohan’s running them through warm-up. I’ve got a couple of minutes. Ready to tell me what’s going on with you yet?”

  No, I fucking wasn’t ready. God, he could be a pain in my arse! I’d tolerate it from no one else but him.

  “Fancy a piece of her, do you?”

  My temper flared instantaneously. I didn’t like him referring to Eden like that. Let alone thinking that. It was a straightforward enough question and one we’d asked each other many times, but somehow this was different. Eden was different. I wanted to get to know her. I didn’t want to fuck her. Well, at least, I didn’t think I did. It wasn’t like that. It never had been.

  “Now’s not the time or place,” I gritted out.

  “Okay, then. You let me know when.”

  “There’s nothing to tell,” I protested trying to convince myself as much as him.

  He just smiled and nodded. “Keep trying to convince yourself of that.” Dane raised his hand in mock salute and headed off to teach his class.

  I sat down and tried to make a start on the emails that had rolled in today. Anything to try to stop my mind drifting to Eden Sommers. I feared the chances of that were about a snowball’s in hell.

  * * *

  Eden

  Eventually the tears dried up, just like they always did, and I lay there half swallowed by my bed—numb. I tried not to think about anything,—just being in the moment.

  My flight to nowhere was rudely interrupted a couple of minutes later by the dinging of the messaging program on my computer. I let it go, three times, then four. After the fifth time I dragged my sorry butt off the bed and slumped myself in the chair in front of my whitewashed desk.

  I loved my room.

  The walls were the softest shade of mint green and all the trim was a glossy white. The bedframe, nightstand and the desk matched. Dad had helped me paint, sand and distress the cheap pine furniture until it resembled the beautiful pieces that were before me now. The quilt on the bed was white and had almost an old world look to it. I’d piled a mountain of cushions in various shades of green and textures on the bed. I loved cushions. They were my thing. The lamp siting on my nightstand was my absolute favourite. The mirrored base and dangling crystals gave the room a bit of glamour and added to the old world feel created by the quilt.

  I loved decorating and making things look beautiful—in fact I’d considered going into interior design when I realised modelling was no longer an option for me. The idea lasted about a whole ten seconds, just until I realised that people would hardly take a disfigured designer seriously. Nor, could I see myself being comfortable in their beautiful homes. Nope accounting and technology would just have to do it for me.

  The messaging program dinged again angrily and I typed in my password and the screen came to life. I smiled a little to myself as I realised who was pinging me.

  It was Bethany.

  We’d met briefly in hospital and immediately become friends—only now we continued it in the cyber world. Beth lived ten hours from me.

  I quickly scanned through her messages and focused on the last one.

  Beth: Get you backside to the computer Eden. I know you’re there. It’s after seven and you’re always online at night.

  I quickly typed out my response.

  Me: Sorry Beth, just taking a shower.

  It was a blatant lie but better than saying I’d ben crying.

  Beth: I’ll let you off just this once. Can’t have you stinking up the place! Geez I could almost smell you from here.

  Me: Very true, even my sisters were starting to complain.

  Beth: How was the shrinkfest?

  I paused, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

  How much did I want to tell her? I opened and closed my fists as I debated. Beth really got where I was coming from. She understood me like no one else. She might not have burn scars, but she had her own issues. Beth had lost a leg in a motor vehicle accident. She got what it was like to be different, be stared at. To feel like you never really belonged.

  Me: It was okay. Well, yes and no. You see I had something weird happen to me today and then I got myself cornered by Grace and I blurted it out and now she’s using it to push me….and I’m so confused and I have no idea what to do…and now I’m rambling and…and….ahhhhhh!!!!

  I didn’t realise it but while I was furiously typing I’d leaned forward, racing to get it all out. I let out the breath I’d been holding and sat back watching the little curser flash as Beth typed her response. I only had to wait a couple
of seconds.

  Beth: WTF happened? I want the dets….NOW!

  There was no way I could hold back the smile that curled up my lip. Beth would be beside herself wondering what had happened. She was the excitable type! Then suddenly, I found myself anxious to tell her all about it. I took the next couple of minutes to tell her all about meeting Xander and my subsequent “Shrinkfest” session.

  I hit the ‘enter’ key and jumped up from my desk, suddenly feeling thirsty. Well that’s what I told myself, but actually I was just restless and anxious—keen to know what Beth was going to say but nervous at the same time.

  The kitchen was just the way I’d left it and I hurriedly put covers on dishes and rinsed plates and packed the dishwasher. That was the real bonus of “preparing” rather than “cooking”—clean up was a cinch. I grabbed a diet coke from the fridge and almost bolted back to my bedroom. I caught myself just as I went to go through the door. I was twenty-three, not twelve, after all. I paused, positioned my spine into my best “model strut” and glided the five steps across my room to the chair which I slid into with a graciousness that would make any deportment queen happy.

  The message was flashing at me and I dived into the conversation once again.

  Beth: OMG! Why the fuck are you here and not there? A hot guy asks you to his dojo and you’re sitting here moping—have you lost your mind? (Don’t try telling me you’re not moping Eden—I know you too well.) Get off your gorgeous butt and get in there! Be gone with you!

  I couldn’t contain the laugh that rattled around in my chest when I read this. It really was a LOL moment. Beth was a kook, but she was my kook and I loved her for it. I glanced at my watch. It was just after eight-thirty and I knew the girls would be finishing up. I’d dodged a bullet for tonight, and I felt both relieved and also disappointed. A big part of me wanted to go.