Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  Me: Too late. It’s done for the night.

  Beth: Well that’s convenient…When are they training next?

  Me: Next Tuesday.

  Beth: Right, so I’m making a note right now to ping you at 9:00pm next Tuesday night. I want to know what happens…I’m living vicariously through you! Shit, you know there’s not a living breathing male in fifty miles of here other than family or employees, of course! You’re it Eden—you need to do this.

  That was actually the truth. Beth lived on a cattle property in western Queensland. It literally was miles from nowhere. It was also the truth that she’d ping me Tuesday night. Beth was incredibly organised and punctual. I’d probably talk to her a dozen times before then but she was putting it out there, pushing me into it. She also knew I wouldn’t let her down. There was some strange unwritten bond. A sisterhood/brotherhood between survivors. It was okay to let down “normal people” but you didn’t let down one of your own—no matter how much it hurt. That was just poor form.

  I heard the front door slam then a few seconds later the shower started up in the bathroom—the girls were home.

  Me: Okay I’ll do it.

  There I’d finally agreed. Committed. I’d actually taken it a step further. I’d typed it out and sent it. Committed that notation, a promise to cyberspace for an eternity. There was no taking it back now. Everything on the web lasted forever, even if we thought it didn’t. Cybersecurity 101. God, the first technology security course had been dull!

  Beth: Oooooo so excited…can’t wait to hear what happens. I want pics!

  Me: Jesus woman! I’m only going to go along and sit. He was just being polite, don’t make this into more than it really is.

  Then something occurred to me and my fingers furiously struck the keys.

  Me: Are you on another romance novel bender?

  Beth: Hahaha…but of course! When have you known me ever not to have a romance novel close to hand? Girl’s got to dream…

  When we’d been in hospital together, Beth seemed to constantly have her eyes glued to her Kindle app. Devouring romance novels at the rate of one, two or even three a day. I didn’t mind reading but I preferred Sci-fi and comics to romance. I guess I shied away from something that was never going to be part of my life.

  Me: You’re pathetic!

  Beth: Nope…just a hopeless romantic. <3 <3

  Me: Whatever…

  Beth: Laugh all you like…it’ll be me laughing my arse off when cupid comes and fires his big old arrow right through your heart.

  Me: Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?

  Beth: No more than normal… ;)

  I was about to type something back when Soph was yelling. “Edie, have you seen my new sleep shirt?”

  Sophia and washing were a lost cause. The girl, just didn’t get it. She could turn whites pink and darks bleach-marked in a second. Socks got “eaten” and lingerie ripped. I had no idea how she managed to achieve it, but it was a serious talent. One that meant, I’d taken over the washing, but I drew the line at folding. This approach, I’d discovered just made everything easier and it also saved us all lots of dollars.

  “It’s in the basket in the laundry,” I yelled back.

  “I’ve looked.”

  “Did you use your eyes?” I huffed out. Seriously, Sophia had to be worse than a man when it came to finding things.

  “Can you just help me, please?” She was getting more and more frustrated.

  “I’ll be right there.” I called back.

  Me: Got to go…washing emergency.

  Beth: Right, Soaphia…whoops! Freudian slip…..

  I giggled a little at this, as I typed a final good night message. Yeah, Sophia could definitely be a bit of a soapy star at times, but she had a great heart. She was a no nonsense sort of girl but she went hard at everything and somehow seemed to make it more interesting, bigger and exciting. It was a true talent...

  “Eden…” her voice was getting closer.

  Time to go and avert the washing tragedy, before she started stomping. Soph had a short fuse to go along with all that emotion.

  “Coming.”

  I headed through to the laundry, off the kitchen and in less than three seconds flat I’d found her sleep shirt, exactly where I said it was. I had it swinging from my index finger when she came through the laundry door.

  “Where was it?” She even looked surprised. I never could tell whether it was the truth or a carefully crafted act. It was kind of amusing, in an annoying sort of way.

  “Surprisingly, it was in the washing basket. I mean who would have thought to look there?”

  “Ha ha de ha, Edie,” she snickered and headed off to the bathroom.

  I took out some giant oversized soup mugs and poured milk into them leaving a little room at the top. Then I shovelled heaping spoons of Milo into milk and gave them each a stir. I slid a spoon into each and headed into the lounge room. Tori had just turned on the television.

  She looked over at me as I sat down on the worn but cosy sectional sofa beside her. I didn’t miss her eyes locking onto my mug of chocolaty goodness.

  “Yours is in the kitchen.”

  Tori sprung off the sofa so fast I would have sworn she’d been zapped if I didn’t know better.

  I turned my attention to the television as I licked my spoon. It was some reality show that Tori couldn’t seem to live without.

  A few seconds later both Sophia and Tori returned with their drinks and settled down beside me. We watched the show for a few minutes in silence. Then some annoying redheaded piece started mouthing off.

  “Oh, I can’t stand that bitch.” Sophia grumbled.

  “Why? What’s wrong with Morgan? She rocks. She’s so much better than that prissy Arianne.” Tori flung back.

  “You can’t be serious? Morgan is so dumb and Arianne is smart. Besides, she’s working these people to perfection.” Sophia sounded impressed.

  My eyes were darting back and forth between them. In actual fact I found my sisters going into bat for their favourite reality stars more entertaining than the actual show.

  “What do you think, Eden? Who’s the best?” Tori turned to me looking for support

  “Oh no. Don’t drag me into this. I have no idea and I can’t say I really care. In fact I was enjoying watching you two more. I can’t believe you two can get so fired up about a TV show. Imagine if it was something really important, like should we eat Tim Tams or Mint Slices with our Milo.”

  Tori snorted as Sophia disappeared into the kitchen. “That’s a total no brainer. You eat them both.”

  “Exactly,” Sophia agreed and dumped a packed of both on the sofa beside me. I passed the Tim Tams to Tori and she quickly helped herself to a couple. I chose the Mint Slices and returned my attention back to the TV.

  We munched for a few seconds more. God, I loved chocolate. It was just pure heaven.

  “Speaking of important stuff…” My mind struggled back to what Sophia was talking about. She must be referring to my comment from before. “Sensei, or Xander to you, Eden, wanted to know if you’d like to come along to the grading and BBQ after it on Sunday.”

  My heart immediately started beating faster and I swear I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Oh God! I’d agreed to go Tuesday night. The girls didn’t know about it yet, but I’d decided to do it. Sunday was a whole other story.

  “Tell me about it,” I asked non-committedly.

  “Nothing much to tell. We go do the grading in the school hall in the morning. Then we head to the park and have a BBQ lunch and just hang out. Nothing special. Totally casual.” I knew Sophia was trying to downplay it.

  “How many people will be there?”

  “Probably about sixty students and the same amount of parents or family.”

  “One hundred and twenty people,” I whispered, more to myself than either of them.

  “Hey Tor, did you know that Eden can add sixty and sixty together?” Tori burst out laughing and I
couldn’t keep the smile off my face even if I hated that I needed to ask questions. It annoyed Soph, but I needed to know. I needed to figure out if I could do it and the only way that could happen was by knowing what I was getting myself into.

  “So where do the families sit?”

  “In the tiered seating off to the side. You remember the hall?” I did. And now that she mentioned it, the layout for the room came whizzing back into my head. I remember the assembly the day of the fire. Mrs Richie called me up to give me a special award and made a big deal out of me getting the contract. I’d been embarrassed and proud all at the same time, if that was even possible. That was the last time I’d set foot in that hall.

  “So once we’re done at the hall we just head over to the park and plonk ourselves under the trees, eat burgers and hang out. No pressure—all very low key.”

  I glanced at Tori and her eyes almost pleaded with me.

  “Come on, Edie. It would be great to have you there. Everyone is really cool and no one will hassle you.” God love Tori. She always cut to the chase in the most innocent of ways.

  I spooned the last of the milk soaked Milo out of the mug and half chewed it. I was going to go Tuesday night. Could I manage Sunday as well? I started to work it out in my mind. It was close to home if I felt uncomfortable; it was only a short walk home. Almost everyday I managed to get myself to university; surely I could manage a grading and a community BBQ, I rationalised.

  Sophia was scraping the last of the Milo from her mug with the spoon. She was trying not to pressure me but I knew my sister and she really wanted me to go. Not for her sake, but for mine. I really wanted to please them. Make them proud of me. It seemed so stupid given they were younger and everything.

  “Okay. I’ll give it a go.”

  Tori thumped her mug onto the side table and smothered me in a hug.

  “It’s going to be great! You’ll see.”

  Sophia nodded her agreement over Tori’s shoulder.

  I sure hoped they were right.

  Chapter 4

  Eden

  Sunday morning dawned bright and clear—bugger. There was a big part of me that secretly hoped the sky would open up and the rain would pour down. That should at least cancel the BBQ and socialising component of the day, right? No such luck at all.

  I looked out the window from the front passenger’s seat. Sophia was driving. That was yet another thing I hadn’t managed to achieve or motivate myself to do. I was in two minds about that as well. Having a licence would give me vastly more options, but it would also mean I didn’t have as many excuses for why I couldn’t do stuff. Mmm, that was something I needed to think about a little more. For the moment, I was comfortable with Sophia driving me to the very limited amount of places I need to go other than university, which I could achieve easy enough to achieve by catching the bus.

  Both Sophia and Tori were hyped up and were obviously looking forward to the day; they’d bounded out of bed and wolfed down a big breakfast and chatted between themselves. Sometimes I thought they were more like boys than girls with their carry on, which wasn’t a bad thing. Now Sophia had Pharrell William’s “Happy” blaring from the stereo and both girls were rocking in their seats. Regardless of how anxious I felt, it was actually hard to keep the smile off my face when that song was playing. The song was just infectious and when I glanced over at Sophia I knew she’d purposely played it to lighten my mood.

  The song changed and Maroon Five’s “Sugar” filled the car. It was another favourite of mine. We seemed to have music playing in the house all the time and given the closeness in our ages we all tended to have similar tastes.

  For the last couple of days I’d been subtly quizzing Sophia on what to expect and how the day would unfold. I was more at ease, if you could really call it that, if I knew in advance what to expect. I didn’t like surprises when I was out of my normal surrounds.

  The plan was that Tori would come through with me to the seating on the side of the hall and Sophia would get them both registered or whatever they had to do. I started to focus on my breathing, forcing myself to keep it slow and even. Not always easy to do when your stomach felt as if it had been infested with a flock of ravenous butterflies. Anyone who thought butterflies were gentle was just plain wrong!

  A few seconds later, Sophia pulled into the parking lot at the side of the school hall and shut off the engine. Both girls sprung out of the small sedan and headed around to get their gear out of the back. At this stage they were just wearing loose training clothes. Tracky pants and floppy T-shirts. Their uniforms were impeccably ironed and folded in their bags. Meanwhile I struggled to steady myself for what I was about to do.

  I got out of the car and pulled the chunky, but soft cable knit beanie more securely onto my head and pushed up my huge oversized sunglasses. With some practice, I’d realised I could have my hair loose and sort of pulled forward over the right side of my face. To hold it in place, I could pull the cable knit beanie on. It was hardly cold enough for a beanie but it looked more like a fashion statement than a defence against the cold. This “style” seemed to work well at hiding the worst of the scars. At least from a distance I looked reasonably “normal”.

  My one “fashion” item today was the indigo skinny jeans I’d worn. They fit me like a glove and on my long legs, they looked mighty fine, but I purposely ruined the effect by wearing a huge sloppy rugby jersey in a pale blue. The jersey was so large it came almost to mid-thigh. I slung the soft leather satchel I always had with me over my shoulder and followed Sophia and Tori. The satchel had become my security blanket in a lot of ways. Just like a toddler has a favourite toy or blanket—I had this satchel. The soft leather fringing on the pockets and flap gave my fingers something to curl into and fiddle with when I felt anxious. Somehow stroking my hand through the soft leather felt reassuring to me.

  The walk across the car park seemed to take eons, but I knew in reality it was not more than a few seconds. But that was what fear and anxiety did to you. Time seemed to speed up, slow down and even pause with no rhyme or reason. My ears started to roar with the rush of blood.

  “Breathe, breathe, breathe,” I silently chanted in my mind over and over again in time to my footsteps.

  Sophia pulled open the door and held it. I followed Tori in, staying as close to her back as possible as I tried to hide myself as much as I could. She glanced back over her shoulder and realised I was hot on her heels.

  “Come on, Edie.” She dropped me a reassuring smile and at times like this I really felt our roles had been reversed and I was the little sister.

  The hall was filled with chatter and noise and I tried to take in as much of the room as possible while moving my head as little as possible. I still hadn’t taken off my sunglasses and I wasn’t sure whether or not I would yet.

  Tori, understanding my preferences in seating, headed along the edge of the bank of tiered seating running down the hall, until she came to the end. She then climbed up three rows and sat down. I followed and took up a seat to her right, ensuring there wasn’t realistically enough room for anyone else to sit on my right.

  “This okay, Edie?”

  I reached my hand out and squeezed her thigh. “Sure. Thanks, Tor.”

  She smiled and patted the top of my hand. “Thanks for coming.”

  I didn’t say anything. To say I was happy to be here would be a lie—or a partial one at least. I was pleased and happy to be able to share something with my sisters, something that was important in their lives, but I wasn’t happy to be here. Being out like this challenged me and made me feel uncomfortable.

  A few seconds later Sophia bound up the steps to where we were sitting, “We need to get ready, Tor. We’re on when the juniors finish in about twenty minutes.”

  Tori immediately stood and grabbed her kit bag. “We’ll be back in a few, Edie.”

  “Okay.” I tried to make my voice sound convincing and confident but it came out more like a squeak. Tori looked a li
ttle worried as Sophia grabbed her arm and started to drag her down the stairs. A couple of seconds later they disappeared into the bathroom that I knew were located underneath the slope of the tiered seating.

  I took a deep breath and focused on the hall and what I could see in front of me for the first time. The hall was familiar, but also very different. Normally, there were row after row of plastic chairs on the wooden floor. Today, thick heavy grade foam mats in a purple colour covered the worn boards. On the floor was a group of about twenty kids ranging in age from what I figured was about eight to twelve going through a series of drills and moves that a young guy was calling. He wore a black belt around his narrow hips, but he was still young. You could tell by his lanky frame which hadn’t filled out yet, and the skin of his jaw that still sported a few tell-tale teenage blemishes.

  Behind the action on the floor was a row of men all dressed in gis with black belts. They were holding clipboards and quietly talking to each other as they watched the proceedings on the floor. A couple of young guys who looked to be about fifteen and wore brown belts, moved back and forth at each end of the group, leading and demonstrating moves the black-belt in charged called out.

  My eyes skirted back and forth over the group for a few seconds but I couldn’t see him. The tinted lens of my sunglasses annoyed me inside and I fought the urge to take them off. I did a quick scan of the people on the seats to my left. No one openly appeared to be paying me any attention at all.

  I edged my hand up and pulled the sunglasses from my face and instinctively tilted it a little to the right, just in case my scars were more visible. At home, I could relax, but when I was out I became acutely aware of how my body was positioned in every circumstance.