Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  A few long minutes passed and I tried to focus my attention on the kids doing their grading on the mats. A flash to the left caught my attention and I fought the urge to turn my head. It was the light hitting Sophia’s golden blonde hair as she came through the entrance. Tori was beside her and my breath caught in my throat as I realised the person who had filled more of my thoughts for the last few days than I was comfortable with, was right behind them. I noticed just about every head in the gathered supporters turn to look.

  How could they not help it?

  My sisters were gorgeous, both tall and beautiful. We all favoured our mother’s blue-eyed blonde looks, rather than our father’s gingery complexion, but we’d all been fortunate enough to inherit dad’s colossal height and lithe stature. He was a big man pushing six foot four. Mum wasn’t short either but us girls all topped her by about three or four inches.

  But my sisters were just part of the picture.

  Right behind them was Xander.

  The man just oozed presence from every pore. He was handsome, assured and seemed to have a confidence that made me feel a sense of both foreboding and comfort at the same time. It was a strange combination and I didn’t really understand it.

  I watched them move a little farther into the hall, where they halted. Xander said something to my sisters and then Sophia turned to look at me and discretely pointed in my direction.

  Terror flashed through the pit of my stomach and I felt like every eye in the place had turned to look at whom they were pointing at—me. I couldn’t turn my head away quickly enough—Xander’s eyes caught mine. A little smile kicked up at the corner of his mouth, as he nodded his head at me in acknowledgement.

  Somehow, I dragged my eyes from his hold. I wanted to sink through the floor. Oh no! It was horrible.

  Everyone was looking at me.

  I sat rigid…frozen stiff…my eyes fixed straight ahead. My heart was thundering in my chest and it sounded so loud inside my head that the noise around me faded to nothing.

  How could they?

  Didn’t they know how hard it was for me to be here today?

  What’s more I now realised my sisters were heading straight back to where I was sitting with their bags.

  Oh this was a disaster…what was I thinking coming here today?

  Sophia plonked her kit bag down, sat beside me then proceeded to start rummaging through it looking for something.

  I was too freaked out to even feel the anger that I wanted to.

  “For Christ sake Edie, breathe and relax would you. It looks like you swallowed a glass of plaster of Paris and you’re stuck fast in that position,” Sophia hissed at me as she continued her fossicking.

  That was exactly how I felt. Petrified to the spot.

  “It’s fine, Edie. No one’s looking,” Tori tried to soothe.

  And then, the horror started to transform into anger.

  I felt angry and annoyed at myself for feeling this way. I was an adult. I had some scars, but that didn’t make me worthless or something to be stared at— did it?

  Then I started to think some more. Tried to get my brain to react logically. Tried to fight back those inner demons that wanted to capsize me and hold me down.

  Focus on the rational.

  What was I here for…two reasons: support my sisters, challenge myself.

  Sisters, sisters, sisters.

  “We’re up in just a sec, Edie. We’re going to warm up.” Tori placed a hand on my shoulder to get my attention.

  “Umm okay,” I stammered, still trying to focus on what I was here for.

  “You’ll be fine. No one will bother you,” Sophia assured.

  They turned to head down to the mats.

  “Good luck!” I called.

  They both turned and smiled at me.

  My breathing had slowed again and I turned my focus back to the mats. Intently, I watched Xander tie new belts around the waists of kids and shake their hands. Their young faces beamed with pride and accomplishment.

  I wondered if I’d ever feel like that again.

  Everything just seemed to be one struggle after another.

  It was easy to tell how proud he was of them. Xander seemed to have a word of encouragement or praise for each of them and my heart sighed a little at his actions.

  Many of the parents had moved forward to snap these precious memories of their kids and not for the first time in the last five years, did I wonder if kids would ever be in my future. Something I’d discovered since the fire is that, it’s not until an option that you’ve previously taken for granted almost seems to be impossible, that it suddenly seems to mean something.

  Sure, there was no medical reason I couldn’t have kids, but having a relationship with a man seemed about the equivalent of climbing Mt Everest right about now.

  The kids walked away from the mats in single file and returned to their parents. Fortunately, this meant that all attention was focused on them and not me.

  I watched my sisters warm-up and then their grading started. I was surprised at how good they both appeared to be. They kicked and punched, and performed all manner of other moves with what looked like skill and co-ordination from my untrained perspective. Both of them were naturally athletic and it certainly looked like it helped, particularly the extra reach their long arms and legs provided.

  “Hi there.”

  I jumped at the voice, startled a bit. I’d been so intently watching Tori and Sophia that I’d completely missed a woman approach. What’s more she sat down beside me as if she knew me.

  My palms started to sweat and I was momentarily overcome with panic. What should I do?

  “Umm hi,” I managed to squeeze out, desperately trying to avert my face but still be polite.

  “I’m Marion. Jacob and Justine’s mum. You must be Sophia and Tori’s sister. The likeness between the three of you is uncanny.”

  If only...crossed through my mind. “I’m Eden and yes. I am Tori and Sophia’s older sister.”

  She gave me a warm open smile and I found myself slightly turning towards her friendly nature. I saw the instant she noticed the burn scars flash across her eyes, but rather than retreat in horror or discomfort like so many do, Marion carried on. “Oh, now I remember… you’re the one that was caught in the fire. How are you doing after that? I can’t imagine what you went through.”

  I was taken aback. People just didn’t come out and say stuff like this—did they? They didn’t talk about the elephant in the room.

  “Um, I’m getting there slowly,” I answered almost without thinking, because I was still too shocked.

  “Well, Eden that’s great to hear. Took real guts to do what you did.”

  I just nodded and said nothing. I know that my story had been featured in the press right after it happened but no one ever talked about it now, certainly not openly with me. It was old news. Marion stared at my face almost intently and I was surprised to realise I didn’t actually feel self-conscious or anxious. In fact, I think I was too dumbfounded by Marion’s reaction to feel anything but surprise.

  “Well, those scars healed up pretty good. So are you finished with surgeries or are there more to come?”

  In most cases I would have said Marion was being a busy body but somehow she had a caring and interested personality.

  “I’m finished for the moment. There are some more that I could have, to try and make the texture of the skin more even, but they’re not covered under Medicare and we simply don’t have the money to do it.”

  It was Marion’s turn to nod as she took in my words. “Well regardless, you’re still a beautiful girl.”

  I wriggled in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable at her words.

  But Marion, just sailed on. “You know that scar kind of looks like one of those port wine birth marks; it’s not so bad.”

  I’m sure she was trying to be kind and to put me at ease, but now she was starting to tread on territory that annoyed me. How would anyone know what it was li
ke unless they’d walked a day in my shoes?

  “So which are your kids?” I thrust in before she had an opportunity to talk more about my burns.

  “Oh, Jacob is the one on the front right and Justine is in the second row from the left. Second one in.” Once she’d pointed them out it was easy to see the resemblance. They both had dark hair and similar features.

  “Have they been studying martial arts long? Is that the correct term…studying?” I asked.

  Marion chuckled. “Yeah, I think so. Though to be sure you can check with Sensei Xander later. As for the kids, well, I think it’s about three years now. Jacob is going for his brown today and Justine her purple.”

  “What about your sisters?”

  Shit, I had no idea? “Um I think Sophia’s doing the one before brown and Tori green. Would that be right?”

  Marion laughed and patted me on the shoulder. “That sounds about right. Besides these rankings get damned confusing and just when I get used to them wearing one colour, there they go and get another.”

  “I guess that’s true.”

  We watched the action for a few more minutes and commented quietly on what we saw. The students went through a series of set moves that seemed to be a blur of punches and kicks, then they broke up and did a heap of different stuff with partners in some sort of holds. Finally they put on their shin guards, gloves and mouth guards then got down to some sparring.

  It looked savage, and even a bit brutal. I don’t really know what I expected, but I guess it wasn’t this.

  What surprised me even more I guess, was how much my beautiful, graceful sisters seemed to be enjoying punching and kicking at their opponents, even if it was controlled and supervised. It still looked physical and confronting.

  Sophia, in particular, seemed to relish the aggression and seemed to be really into it. It was a side to their personalities that I’d never really seen. Just what I’d missed over the last five years hit me really hard. There seemed to be so much about them that I didn’t know, even though we lived under the same roof and shared so much.

  It’d been all about me and getting over my burns—very little had been about them growing up and becoming the young women I watched before me.

  I’d missed so much.

  That made me sad. It also made me realise I couldn’t continue hiding. By coming out today I was watching and learning about the two people in my life who were the closest to me.

  I was pondering all that when Marion’s voice cut through. “You coming to get some pictures?” She was already up and pulling out her phone. It wasn’t a question but rather a demand wrapped up as one.

  My familiar friend, panic, rose up and I could feel my heart start thumping in my chest.

  “Ahh…I” my voice stammered looking for an excuse before I even had time to think it through.

  “Come on grab your phone and get down there with me. We don’t want to miss it.”

  I reached for my phone and Marion grabbed my hand giving me no chance to procrastinate or think further.

  She galloped us down the tiered seating to the floor. It all happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to think or assess. A quick glance around confirmed we were just two of many other family members taking photos.

  Marion let go of me and stepped forward to take shots of her kids as Xander presented them with their new belts. I could see the look of pride on her face as she snapped away.

  Another student stepped up for their belt and Marion’s two teenagers fell back into line. Marion was right back beside me.

  I was here on the floor, but I couldn’t fathom how I came to be. I grabbed my phone and started fiddling with my photo app—anything to allow me to drop my head and blend in.

  Suddenly I felt a push in the centre of my back. “Get in there, Eden. Tori’s about to get her new belt.”

  I took a giant step forward to stop myself from tumbling. Then I took another and another until suddenly I was right where Marion had been standing just a minute ago to capture her kid’s achievements.

  Tori knelt with her old belt folded neatly across her leg. Xander took the belt from her leg and replaced it with a new blue one, shook her hand and passed her a certificate. I captured it all with my phone. Xander stepped back, Tori stood and moved back to her position in the line-up.

  Sophia stepped up and repeated the process Tori has just executed; only this time I could have sworn Xander shot me a little sideways grin as he stood back after presenting Sophia with her new purple belt and certificate.

  My stomach clenched and I realised then just how good he looked in his gi. Authority and pure masculinity just seemed to ooze from him. There was no doubt he was the man in charge of this whole shebang.

  I didn’t have the slightest clue what to do. I was so rattled by being on the floor and Xander smiling at me that I turned and fled back to the spot I’d occupied before. My long legs took the steps three at a time as I retreated as quickly as I could, back to my corner. I plonked my butt on the hard bench seat and sucked in a breath then another. I was breathing so heavily, you’d have sworn I’d just run a marathon rather than having walked up a few stairs.

  I watched the students go through a series of bows and file out off the mats when dismissed. A few moments later my sisters were headed my way with big smiles on their faces.

  “Well done, you two,” I said as they dumped their shin guards and gloves into their gear duffles.

  Sophia couldn’t keep the satisfied and determined look off her face. “Another step closer to black.”

  This shocked me a little. I’d never really thought about it, but obviously Sophia had. Just then I learned something else—my sister seemed dead-set determined to become a black belt. I was impressed and a little floored.

  What was I hell bent on achieving? Sure I wanted a degree and I wanted to not feel like a prisoner in my own body anymore but I knew I didn’t have that killer instinct and determination that Sophia had when she said that one simple sentence.

  Compared to my sister, I was pathetic.

  I kicked that around in my head some more as they chatted to themselves.

  “Edie, were you even listening?” Tori demanded of me.

  My head snapped up and I mumbled an apology.

  She just shook her head in frustration. “We’re going to head down to the showers before we go to the BBQ. We’ll only be a few minutes.”

  Sophia held out the keys to her car. “Go hop in the car if you want.”

  I took the keys and before I could utter a word they were both gone. I looked around cautiously. Everyone was packing up and paying no attention to me. Many people were helping Xander and a few of the other black belts pack up the mats and other equipment that had been used today.

  I was torn. I wanted to help. It was the right thing to do, but I didn’t know how to go down and get started. I didn’t know anyone other than Marion and I couldn’t see her. I sat back down and fiddled with my phone some more. It was my security blanket—a way of looking busy when I really had nothing to do.

  I waited a few minutes until all but a couple of people remained. Then I gathered my bag and picked my way quietly down the stairs. My foot hit the floor of the hall and I started to move towards the door, when Xander came striding in and moved straight up to me.

  “Hey Eden, would you mind giving me a hand for a sec?”

  “Um sure, I guess.” What else could I say?

  He gave me a beaming smile and it felt good. It was that standing in the sunshine where the sun warms your skin on a cool day, kind of good.

  “Can you grab my duffle from over there by the wall? That will be the last of it and I can lock up.” He motioned to the large red duffle bag with his chin as he easily hefted a large plastic crate filled with all sorts of stuff that they’d used for the grading. It seemed like a strange request but I didn’t argue. Xander wasn’t really the type you questioned.

  I hurried off and grabbed the bag, a little surprised at just how heavy
it was. I slipped my phone into the pocket of my jeans, swapped my lighter bag to my left shoulder and settled Xander’s heavier bag over my right shoulder and quickly crossed the hall to fall in right behind him.

  Once we were on the outside of the double doors he stopped and placed the crate on the ground. Then he pulled the doors shut and locked them. It was only then, that I realised Tori and Sophia were probably still in the showers.

  “Wait! I think Sophia and Tori are still in there.”

  He glanced at me slightly but kept locking the doors. “Nope. They’re over by Sophia’s car, waiting for you.”

  I stepped back out from under the stoop as Xander picked up the crate and headed for a shiny black dual cab 4x4 truck that was parked just near the entrance. Sure enough, when I looked up I could see Sophia and Tori. Tori waved her fingers with an amused look on her face. Sophia just shook her head. I knew that expression. It was the one that said she was frustrated with me.

  Xander balanced the crate on his hip and hit the button on his key ring remote, the lights of the truck flashed and a distinctive “click” sounded as the door locks disengaged.

  “Can you just throw that bag on the back seat please, Eden?” he asked me as he settled the crate into the tray back.

  I opened the back door as he asked and slid the bag onto the middle of the seat.

  The inside of the truck was spotlessly clean and smelt really good. It had that fresh pine woods sort of scent that I’d noticed on him the other day at the café.

  I was just backing out and about to close the door when he opened the front passenger one just in front of me.

  “Jump in. You can ride with me.” Again it wasn’t a question but more like a polite demand.

  He stepped back and kind of herded me into the space between the doors, obviously expecting me to comply. The only way to escape the nearness of his body was to get in. It all happened so quickly and before I knew it I was sitting in the front seat of his truck with the door firmly closed behind me.

  A second later, he was in and starting the engine and reversing out.

  My brain finally kicked into gear and I fished Sophia’s keys out of my pocket.