Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  That was just it. I didn’t really know how I felt about what had happened.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t really know how I feel, Grace. Sure I was terrified when I realised how much trouble I was in. Horrible stuff flashed through my head. I can still feel them, smell them. But nothing really happened. Dane got there before it did. And I don’t know who to thank for that but someone was looking out for me.”

  Grace just stared at me and I knew she was assessing, trying to decide where to go next. “You said you don’t know how you feel. You also said you were terrified when it was happening. How did you feel after? How do you feel now?”

  “Well, I didn’t really feel much of anything directly after, just a sense of relief and exhaustion. I can just clearly remember chanting left-right in my head. It was like I had tunnel vision and all I could see were my feet. I was shaking like a leaf and well I did faint as I told you before.”

  “That was the adrenalin.” She clarified what I already knew.

  “When I came to, it took me a couple of minutes to get my head together, I guess. Then I was talking to Xander, well rather he was lecturing me,” I clarified. “It was pretty much a one-way conversation.”

  “Lecturing you! You said you’d had a chat. How did you feel about that?” Well, that seemed to put Grace on the back foot, which didn’t happen very often.

  “Well, it was more accurately a lecture. Once he knew I was okay, he kind of lectured me on what a dumb arse thing I’d done. He also said my behaviour and how I carried myself contributed to what happened. Then he just sort of told me he was going to teach me how to fight I guess.”

  When I finished Grace’s mouth was drawn in a tight line. I don’t think I’d ever seen that expression before. It was actually kind of amusing.

  “You’re telling me what happened again. Not how you felt.”

  I let out a huge breath and snapped my head to the side in frustration and anger. She always had to go poking and prodding. “Well, I guess I felt embarrassed for being so fucking stupid! He was right.” My voice was angry now and I couldn’t care less. She wanted to know—well, here it was.

  “I did do something dumb and it put me at risk. He said I would have appeared weak and an easy target. I’m sure he’s right about that. And I damned well know he’s right when he said I never worried about my own safety because I stupidly convinced myself no one would be interested in me. He was right about everything he said, and I’m that way because I’m so fucking locked up in my own head, that it’s driving me mad. I don’t want to be there anymore. It’s not a safe place. That place in my head almost got me raped or worse last night. I guess the only benefit is you can’t be self-conscious when you’re dead!”

  Well, if the tight lip line Grace had been sporting before was a new expression than this one was something way past that one. Her eyes were huge and her jaw was actually hanging open a little.

  I picked up the cushion on the sofa from beside me and thumped it. Fuck it! It was my appointment, my time and I was done with my own shit.

  Just like last night, it felt better to hit the damned stupid stuffed velvet.

  Grace let out a little laugh and clapped a couple of time.

  “Bravo, Eden! You’ve had a break through.”

  “Sure you don’t mean a break down?” I snarled.

  “Far from it. What happened last night hasn’t left you traumatised from what I can gather, in fact it’s acted as a catalyst for you to seek positive change. I’m actually convinced after seeing and hearing you just now that you’re going to start taking charge of your life.”

  “What choice do I have?” I smashed back at her.

  “Oh, you always have choices, Eden. But you’ve just told me the way you were is no longer a safe or desirable option. Now it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do next.”

  “I’m going to start living my life and stop hiding. That’s what I’m going to try and do.”

  “And how are you going to do that?”

  “Well, for a start I’m going to go and train with Xander. He said he can teach me to fight and look after myself. I don’t ever want to feel as helpless as I felt last night. It was a wake up call. I was so lucky. I’m not going to expect to be that lucky again.”

  “I think that sounds like an excellent idea. So how do you feel about Xander? What makes him different to other people?” I should know. I really should. But again, I’d opened my mouth. Now I had to spill my guts.

  “Xander is different. He doesn’t look at me with pity. He said the scars don’t bother him and well I guess I believe him. He hasn’t ever reacted to them yet. And he’s not scared to push me. He doesn’t treat me like I’m different or made of glass.” Then I thought about that fact he didn’t want me to go to class with the others and I wondered if I had read that all wrong about him.

  “Where’d you just go, Eden? You said all that then something popped into your head and you doubted what you had just said—why?”

  “Because he said he wants to do a few one-on-one sessions with me. My sisters said he never does that.” I looked at Grace as if she would magically have the answer, even though I knew that wouldn’t be the case at all.

  “Well, I can’t speak for him, nor do I know what his regular practices are, but what do you think?”

  “I don’t really know. I guess I feel like he’s not making excuses for me because of the burns. Kind of like he expects me to get on and do stuff like everyone else.”

  “I can see that from what you’ve told me. What do your sisters think? They’ve obviously spent a lot more time with this man.”

  “I already told you, they said it wasn’t normal. They wondered if there was something else between us and I told them not to be so stupid. As if he’d be interested in me!” Right. There, done. Full disclosure and all that. Grace could make of it what she wanted. “Oh, and please don’t ask me how I feel about that. I have no clues where men are concerned and I think the chances of him being interested in me that way are about as good as me winning tomorrow night’s fifty million dollar Power Ball. About a billion to one.”

  Grace let out a laugh. “I’m really enjoying this new side to you, Eden. It’s very refreshing. But I think you shouldn’t discount someone of the opposite sex being interested in you. You may see scars and dreams lost when you look in the mirror, Eden, but not everyone else does. Men included. Is it really fair that you have already decided what someone will think about you based on how you look to them; before they’ve even had a chance to get to know you at all? Doesn’t seem too fair to me.”

  I thought about her comment for a moment. Grace did have a point. I did expect everyone to see me a certain way. I’d learned that lesson about safety the hard way last night. Okay, so maybe I just had to be more open-minded.

  “Give people a chance to get to know you. Share some of that personality you’ve just given me with them. You might just be pleasantly surprised.”

  I saw Grace glance at the clock and I knew she was getting ready to finish up this session.

  “So that homework I set last time? Forget it. You’ve smashed right through all of that. This time I want you to focus on having proper conversations with people. Not just the please and thank you type of thing. Find out about them and their lives. But do try to go to a couple of new places as well.”

  I stood up and gathered my satchel. “Thanks, Grace.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ll see you next week for your scheduled appointment. But if you have any concerns before then give me a call. But something tells me you’re going to be just fine.”

  “Working on it.”

  * * *

  Eden

  Always diligent, Sophia had picked me up from the appointment with Grace. I guess I could have caught a bus or got a cab but Sophia always dropped me off and picked me up an hour later. Then I realised I’d never even asked her what she did in that hour while I was in with Grace. Did she study, go home, get a coffee…what? />
  That was just one more thing I needed to change. I needed to be more “in the moment” with the people that were important to me. They had lives as well and I had a horrible feeling or rather, a realisation, that I’d been treating each of them like a convenience. A relationship was supposed to be two way and it had been more about solid one way traffic. My way—for far too long.

  Now I sat at the little desk I loved so much with my phone in hand. Sophia had shared Xander’s contact details with me and all I had to do was type a simple text and send the damned thing. How hard was that really?

  But what should I say?

  Should I put: Hi, I saw my counsellor and I’m cleared to train

  Or something like: All good. Ready to start when you are

  I’d never sent a text to anyone but my sisters, Beth and my mum. My dad didn’t do text messages. Because he was always driving he liked us to call. He said it helped to pass the time. So I tried to make sure I put aside half an hour every couple of days to have a chat to him. We both enjoyed those calls.

  I procrastinated a couple more minutes, but then, as if she knew I needed her, Beth messaged me on my computer.

  Beth: What are you up to giraffe?

  It was a nick-name Beth sometimes used because of my lanky frame.

  Me: Sitting here wondering how to send a text.

  Beth: PMSL it’s really not that hard. Type the message and press send.

  Me: Haha why didn’t I think of that?—It’s the message bit that’s got me stuck.

  Beth: Pick up, I’m going to call you!

  Next second the little icon at my computer screen started jumping around and buzzing. I clicked on it and immediately Beth was all over me.

  “So when the hell did it become so difficult to send a text?” She was ribbing me and enjoying it a little bit too much.

  “Since I have to send a text to Xander Todd and I have no freaking idea what to say…”

  Her tone changed immediately. “Ohhhhhh. I see the problem.”

  “Yeah, definite problem.”

  “Okay, so you need to fill me in. I know I promised to be here last night but we were really late getting back from that thing in Longreach. What a fuck of a weekend. But that’s a whole other story. I want to know why you’re sitting here struggling over sending a text.”

  I took a deep breath... “Well a few things have happened…” And I spent the next fifteen minutes bringing her up to speed. I told her everything from what happened at the grading on Sunday to the mess I’d ended up in last night. I told her about ‘the lecture’, the discussion with my sisters and my appointment with Grace. She now knew everything.

  When I finally got to the end I couldn’t help but add a “So what the hell do you think of all that?”

  “Well hon, when you decided to finally join the world, you did it in a mighty big way!” I heard her laugh. “Well, I’m impressed.”

  This time I snorted in amusement. “Fantastic Beth, glad to be of service, but I’ve still got this text message to write.”

  “Okay, let’s figure it out together.” This time her voice was more subdued and focused. “I think you need to keep it straight to the point and don’t get cute. Text messages are too easy to misinterpret. I think you’re tying yourself in knots about nothing.” That was good solid sound advice.

  But I didn’t want to be boring. Hell, I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I just didn’t want to be scared anymore.

  I picked up my phone and typed into the screen as I spoke to Beth. “So I’m going to say this— ‘Hey Xander, I’m right to get started with the training when it’s convenient for you’.”

  “Perfect! Go with that. He’s just a guy, a person like you or me. Treat him like you would anyone else. Although he is one delicious piece of man–candy.”

  “What the hell, Beth. How do you even know what he looks like?” My brain is mush right about now.

  “What? Have you not heard of Google images?” Beth squeals at me.

  “Of course I have. But I haven’t looked.” And I hadn’t. I’d been busy doing course work, well, at least, that’s what I told myself. Beside you couldn’t believe everything that was written about someone on the internet could you? And it kind of felt like a huge invasion of privacy when you actually knew the person you were checking out. Well, at least it did to me.

  “Well, good thing one of us has done her research and I didn’t just study the pics. Although, I could do that for hours.” Her voice sounded a little dreamy and suddenly I felt a bit pissed off, as well as being intrigued. There was a part of me that didn’t like her enjoying Xander. “He’s got a hell of story himself and I’d be surprised if he didn’t carry a fair swag of his own demons around.”

  “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know!” I protested sticking to my morals.

  “Oh Eden, you’re no damned fun. Do you know how dead boring it is living out here? If it wasn’t for the internet I’d go stark raving mad.” I didn’t envy Beth at all. She lived in such isolation. Australia was a massive place.

  “Yeah, I get it.” I didn’t really but she was too polite to correct me. I think living in outback Australia was one of those things you actually had to experience for yourself before you truly understood. It was kind of the same with living with demons.

  “So have you sent that damned text message yet?”

  “Hang on a sec.” I reread the message I’d typed before and hit send. I was done with second guessing it. “Gone.” I let out a long sigh. “Oh shit, now I guess I have to wait.”

  “Hopefully not too long. So you really don’t want to know what’s on the net about him.”

  Well, I did want to know. But I wasn’t about to admit it. However, it wouldn’t seem right to me learning this way. “I’d love to know, but I think people should get the option of telling their story rather than people just sticking it on the internet for it to be interpreted any which way.” After the fire people assumed they knew the facts. Thought they knew what happened and why it happened. They weren’t there and had nothing to do with the fire, but that didn’t stop the rubbish that was peddled on the internet. What was posted was far from the truth, but it was passed off as gospel No, I hated that aspect of the internet and social media.

  “Well, suit yourself.” She was taking the pissy superior tone. It was a big amusing joke.

  “You’re just annoyed because I’m not gossiping with you.”

  “Fucking A, I am. I’m intending to live vicariously through you.”

  “Well, that could be dangerous and I hope to God you don’t mind disappointment.”

  Before she could make some snarky comeback, my phone pinged with an incoming text. “I’ve got a text.”

  “What’s it say?”

  I opened my txt app and read it aloud. “He says…Awesome—let’s do tomorrow afternoon at 2.00.”

  “That’s great.”

  “Ah no, it’s not. I’ve got a tutorial that goes till 1.30 and I can’t miss it.”

  “Well text him back and let him know. I’m sure he’ll be fine. But please no agonising over this one. ”

  “Okay.” I shot back a text, letting him know that I can’t do 2.00. Some part of me hopes he’ll call the whole thing off if I can’t do 2.00pm.

  Maybe it will be easier.

  “Oh hell…I’m going to have to go. My mum’s got some issue I need to go deal with. Drop me a message and let me know what happens. If I don’t catch you before. Have fun tomorrow.”

  “Bye Beth.”

  “Catch you.”

  No sooner had I ended the online call than my phone was ringing. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked down. It was Xander calling.

  I flicked my finger across the screen and said hello.

  “Hey, Eden. You go to Griffith Uni, Logan Campus, right?”

  My mind was racing, why would he want to know? “Yes.”

  “Cool. I’ve got a meeting in the City, I’ll be coming that way. I’ll swing by and pick you
up. That’ll save some time.”

  “Okay.” Why did my belly feel like it was doing roly polies right now?

  “So bring some clothes you can train in. We’ll get you kitted out with a gi soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “Stay in the grounds of the uni and I’ll text you when I’m near. I’ll be in my truck.” I wasn’t sure why he was telling me that, but I guess he had a reason.

  “Sure.”

  “Great, okay I’ve got to go. I’ve got a class about to start in a few minutes. But one last thing.” He paused and I held my breath wondering what he was about to say. “Relax. I’m strict but I don’t bite and I won’t hurt you.”

  “I know.” I knew the tone of my voice wasn’t very convincing and I heard his low chuckle and it sent little shivers through me.

  “Good, get a good night’s sleep, drink plenty of water and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Bye, Xander.”

  “Bye Eden.”

  I ended the call and slumped back in my chair a little shell-shocked.

  It was really happening.

  I couldn’t get out of this one.

  Chapter 7

  Xander

  “Fuck,” I muttered to myself as I hit the M3 heading out of the City. I had twenty minutes until I needed to pick up Eden. I could be close to the time if I broke a few speed limits.

  My meeting with the boring as shit accountant had run over. God, that guy could drone on. Paperwork and particularly the bookwork associated with running my dojo was my least favourite part. I now had a pile of papers I needed to go through and sort out, apparently. Wasn’t that what I paid him for? Yeah, I’d get to those papers—later…much! Getting enthused about paperwork was definitely not something that came naturally to me.

  I grabbed my phone and illegally whipped out a text message to Eden. I didn’t want her standing out the front waiting for me. There’d been at least three attempted abductions of female uni students from around here in the last month. One of my boys had told me about them. After her efforts the night before last, I didn’t want to have Eden at risk. I’m not convinced yet, that she understands the concept of personal safety. She will before I’m finished with her.