Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  The traffic was fortunately light where the M3 and the M1 joined at Eight Mile Plains. It could be an absolute shocker. At this rate I’d only be a minute or two late. If I got the lights, I might even make it on time. I took the exit off the M1 and the traffic light Gods were kind to me. Green all the way.

  I pulled into the circular driveway at the front of the campus and immediately reached for my phone to send her a text to let her know I was there. Before I could even finish typing it out I recognised her figure walking out. She had stepped from the shadows at the front of the main buildings.

  Today she was wearing a big loose long sleeved blue T-shirt and baggy jeans. Both looked to be about four sizes too big. A black knapsack was slung over her shoulder along with her satchel and pair of black converses were on her feet. That distinctive strawberry silk was everywhere, most of it covering her head that was once again down. How Eden could even see where she was going was a complete mystery to me. From what I could tell, she hadn’t looked up once. I wanted to rip into her for that. I took a deep breath and schooled myself to have patience. Changing her whole demeanour wasn’t going to happen in five seconds.

  As she got nearer, I leant over and opened the door. I was in a no-standing zone and the roving campus security guard was giving me evil looks. I would have been even more impressed if he’d come up and asked me what I was doing. Maybe if he did that more often, we wouldn’t have some sick fuck trying to abduct girls coming from the university.

  She took hold of the door and placed her bags on the floor then looked up at me as those thick dark lashes flirted across her blue eyes. Eden had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. The world deserved to see them too.

  Before she could hesitate, I reached over and took her hand, giving her a little tug to help her in. My truck was jacked up. Very occasionally she even saw some off road action. Yeah, it was time to plan a trip. I made a mental note.

  “Hey Gem, how was class?”

  She looked at me a little shyly, but she still looked at me. Yes! I cheered internally—a small victory. “It was okay. Lots of homework but that goes with the territory.” Eden had settled herself in the seat and buckled up. I pulled out and headed across town to the dojo. “So how about your day?”

  I was surprised. Eden was actually initiating a conversation with me. “Oh, I’ve had a morning I could have done without. I think I’d even take a trip to the dentist over having to visit my accountant. The guy is as boring as bat shit and I really struggle not to nod off.” I glanced sideways and she nodded slightly in understanding and suddenly seemed a little uncomfortable in her seat. I had no idea what I’d said or done to make her feel that way.

  We drove a little further until I could no longer stand the uncomfortable silence. “So tell me what are you studying at university?”

  She winced and I immediately knew what she’d been uncomfortable about. “Oh no. Tell me it ain’t so!” I couldn’t help the chuckle that rolled out of me. Fate, you cheeky bitch.

  “I’m afraid I can’t. I’m studying business with a double major in accounting and information technology.” Her voice sounded a little pained.

  “Well, if you insist on studying something that dull, then, at least, you’re going to have to explain the attraction. Because I just don’t get it!” I was joking around trying to keep the mood light and cheery. I wanted Eden to know she could relax and let her guard down around me. Have fun, be free to be herself.

  She didn’t answer and suddenly I got a horrible sick feeling in my gut. I glanced over and she seemed to have shrunk to half her size in that big leather bucket seat.

  “Oh Gem, what is it? What did I say?” I pleaded.

  “Maybe we should just forget it, Xander. This…isn’t going to work.” Her voice was small and broke a couple of times. I checked the traffic and slipped across a couple of lanes and turned into a quiet residential street, pulling up at the curb with a jolt. I punched the gear shifter into Park, unbuckled my seat belt and turned to her.

  Eden hadn’t looked up; she just sat huddled there.

  I reached over and undid her seatbelt and she moved her hand to open the door. She was expecting me to kick her out of the truck. What I wanted to do couldn’t have been farther from her thoughts. My reactions were quicker and I hit the auto locking. At that she spun her head up and looked at me. Confusion and fear flashed across her eyes.

  “Have I got your attention now?”

  She said nothing—just looked at me, poised and waiting as if to be struck. Just how deep did her demons go and what was it going to take to defeat them I wondered for about the thousandth time in the last week.

  “This is going to work, Gem, because we’re going to make it work. I’m not going to let you get out of this that easily. I’m not going to let you go back and hide. Even if I’m the only one that gets to see the real you, then, by God, that’s better than no one at all. You can start by telling me why you study accounting and information technology. That’s obviously where I screwed up this conversation.”

  I could see the tears pooled in her eyes and I knew right then there was going to be a lot more during this journey. “If you need to cry to answer me, do it! Tears are just another form of sweat. They represent hard work and the body cleansing. Have at it, if you need to. But you will answer me. We’re not moving from right here until you do.”

  Her bottom lip was trembling and a lone tear slipped down over the scar on her face. I reached over and opened the glove compartment and deposited the box of tissues in her lap.

  She took one and wiped at her eye. “You really want to know?”

  “I really want to know.”

  “I chose to study accounting and information technology because both are professions that allow me to be out of the public eye. I can do both remotely without having to see people.”

  That was so telling. Here she was planning her life purposely to live in the shadows away from the need to interact with people.

  “Do you enjoy accounting and IT?”

  “It’s okay. I’m getting really good marks. Last semester I got all high distinctions.” There was a little bit of pride in her voice but no passion.

  “Well, that’s a great achievement but let me ask you this. If you could do anything at all what would you choose to do?”

  Eden didn’t even pause with her answer. “Well, I was going to be a model but that’s not going to happen, but my backup plan was always to be an interior designer. I always figured I could do that after modelling as well.”

  “So why aren’t you studying interior design?”

  She tilted her head up and looked at me almost as if I was a little simple. “Because who would employ an interior designer that looks like I do?”

  “I was under the impression that when someone hired a designer they were paying them to decorate a space. I don’t see how your appearance has anything to do with that.”

  “People like to be around beautiful people, particularly when they’re doing aesthetically pleasing activities. Even if I happened to be the best designer ever, I just couldn’t see people wanting to hire me.” I could see her logic but I wasn’t sure whether it was researched or correct. Had she just conveniently come up with that conclusion on her own?

  “Did you go to any design companies and talk to them about what opportunities there would be for you?”

  She dipped her head. “No.” Her voice was back to being the mouse like whisper.

  “You just assumed…”

  Eden nodded her head.

  “Is it what you’d really like to do?”

  “I guess…” She didn’t sound convincing.

  “Well, if it is what you really want to do, you don’t give up the dream. You fight and you make it happen.” I was in pep talk mode now.

  “But I don’t have a portfolio or anything even if it was an option. I’d need a portfolio to demonstrate what I’d done. Courses aren’t enough; employers want portfolios.” Her voice was flat, but I co
uld tell it was pitched that way to mask her enthusiasm for how she really felt.

  “So you have to have a portfolio to get into a course. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Well, I could get into an okay course but all the best courses and most prestigious courses want a portfolio. Ideally, you’d do a course then try to get an internship with an established designer or company. The better your portfolio, the better the designer you can hope to work for. They want to see progression.”

  Well, that all made sense, but I didn’t have any answers at the moment. “Okay. Well, I don’t think you should shut the door on it. Dreams unrealised have a habit of turning into regret.” Regret was something I knew all about.

  Eden shrugged her shoulders, butI got the feeling she wasn’t convinced.

  “Anyway, I think it’s important that we both acknowledge now I’m going to do things or say things that make you uncomfortable. Whether it’s just general conversation or whether it’s me teaching you something, stuff will come up. It’s going to be tough at times. You do…not…shut down and you do…not…throw in the towel and walk away. You…talk…to…me. Tell me what the issue is, help me understand from your perspective. This sitting here and saying nothing, then deciding that running is easier, stops right now.”

  Eden was focusing on that point on my collar bones again. I reached out and gently cupped her chin in my hand, forcing her to look me in the eye. “I want your word on it, Eden. I’m happy to put the effort in and do whatever I can if you are. Can you give me your word you’re going to work with me no matter how tough it gets?”

  Her big eyes blinked slowly a couple of times and I knew she was taking it in and thinking through everything I’d just said.

  “Yes.”

  It was only after I heard that one word did I realise I’d completely tensed my whole body. Eden Sommers was as skittish as a new born fawn, but I was determined to win the day. I also knew that the relationship I had intended to have with Eden was not going to work. I needed to rethink everything in a big hurry.

  There was no way my beautiful Gem was ever going to be just a student.

  * * *

  Eden

  Oh my God! Oh my God! What was I doing? I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head as I changed clothes in the ladies bathroom at Onigashima Fighters. I pulled my yoga pants on, then a tight singlet top over my sports bra/crop top thing and my scars. What a laugh. Sports bra/crop top. This thing had never seen a day’s action since I bought it a year ago. Maybe that would change today. Then over the singlet top I pulled a big loose T-shirt. It swamped me. Just the way I liked it. I looked in the mirror and started to feel panic rising in my throat.

  Why had I agreed to everything he said? What was I thinking? This wasn’t for me. This wasn’t the life I had.

  Breathe Eden. Breathe Eden I chanted.

  I could do this. I could. Besides I had a strong suspicion Xander would have no qualms about coming in and finding me if I didn’t head out very soon. He’d given me five minutes and by my calculations I was already about a minute over that.

  With one last look in the mirror and a deep breath, I pushed open the heavy door, and walked down the corridor towards the main room with mirrors and mats. Xander was already on the floor, his body jack knifed at the waist with his palms flat on the floor. The man was seriously flexible and I knew there was no way I could pull off a stretch even remotely like that.

  As he realised I was there he stood and faced me. I hesitated at the edge of the mats and remembered that I was supposed to do some sort of bow thing. I had seen the other students do it.

  Xander must have realised my hesitation. “Right fist to left shoulder, left fist to right shoulder over the top. Then bow.” I did as he asked and moved forward to him.

  He nodded at me. “Well done. I didn’t expect you to know that. You were watching. I’m not going to be too formal here at the moment. I just want you to get comfortable with things. But good job on picking up that bow. Just think of this as two friends hanging out at the moment. ”

  That surprised me, but I nodded my understanding and stood there with my hands by my sides. Xander looked up and down my body and I struggled to stand still as my skin seemed to prickle where his eyes had touched. It was a weird feeling, kind of anxious and tingling at the same time.

  “First off you’re going to need to tie your hair back. We can’t work with it down. It’s beautiful as it is, but it has to be tied back for this, Gem.”

  “I don’t have a band,” I said almost helplessly. The thought of losing my “shield” sent chills through my blood.

  “I can fix that.” He jogged over to the reception area—all fluid grace, and returned a second later with a hairband in his outstretched hand.

  “There you go. I’ve learned to keep a supply.” He looked at me expectantly. “Come on, Eden, just tie it back already. I’ve told you the scars don’t worry me. We all have some.”

  I tried to blank my mind and just do it. Slowly I reached behind and tied my hair back into a pony-tail, knowing that pulling my hair back would expose the extent of the scars running down my neck from my face and under the round necked T-shirt. I could feel him watching intently as I did it. I would have worn a turtle neck if thought I could have gotten away with it but the weather was already starting to really warm up. Then, when I finished that task, he kept right on pushing.

  “What’s the extent of the scarring, Eden? I noticed then, that you moved your right arm tentatively. Does it give you pain? What sort of range of motion do you have?”

  I think I flinched at his words. He just came out with it and hit me right between the eyes, so to speak. I hated talking about the scars only slightly less than I hated showing someone. They were so ugly. Sometimes they felt weird—tight, tingly, itchy. So I often moved to compensate and he’d obviously picked up on it. I should have thought about this. Fear and self-consciousness gnawed at my stomach. Why did I agree to this? What had I been thinking in agreeing to this?

  “Quit worrying about what I’m going to think and answer my questions. Better still show me so I can really understand.”

  I gasped in shock. Did I hear him right? Had he just suggested that? Nobody but my family and medical team had ever seen them. The panic I’d been trying to quash before was once again threatening to drown me.

  My lips were moving, but I couldn’t form words. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I felt the tears prick my eyes again and I fought to keep them under control.

  “Look, I know this makes you incredibly uncomfortable. I can see it. You’re shaking and I know you’re fighting tears. Let them go if you need to. Breathe through the panic.” He took a couple of deep slow breaths, encouraging me to do the same with him. “You need to understand martial arts training is quite physical by nature. If you don’t let me know what we’re working with, I can’t figure out how best to approach your training. I’m not doing it to make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. I’m honestly doing it from the point of trying to understand. I really want to help you; teach you. But I need to know and seeing is probably going to be easiest.”

  He was looking at me directly. Those deep black onyx pools were full of emotion. I could feel he meant every word he said. Somehow it felt as if this pained him as much as it did me. I felt so exposed and I hadn’t even decided what to do.

  “What have you got on under that shirt?”

  “A singlet and a crop top thing.”

  He nodded. “Can you do this for me? I know it’s a huge step, something tells me if you can do this—everything else after that will be a cinch. Help me; help you, Eden.”

  I moved my hands to the hem of my T-Shirt, and took a deep breath in through my nose. Come on, Eden, you can do this. You trust him. He’s never done anything but try to help you. It’s just skin.

  Looking back, I think it was probably the same sort of feeling a bungee jumper got as they stood up on the platform as they prepared to hurtle themselves off into n
othing. Fear, terror and the promise of freedom and exhilaration.

  “Just do it, Eden.” And like a jumper that had reached the end of their countdown I lifted the T-Shirt up and over my head as quickly as I could. Jumping into nothingness.

  I stood waiting for Xander to say something—my eyes fixed on the spot where his collarbones met the pectoral muscles of his chest. Every now and then a hint of a tattoo peaked out from underneath the collar of his shirt and from the place where his right bicep intersected with his elbow. I wanted to know what that tattoo was about. It looked beautiful and that little spot was a safe place on which to focus. Something to keep me grounded and connected when I felt completely adrift.

  “Well done, Eden. That took real guts.” He moved a step closer and I knew what he would be seeing, studying—raised, rough, reddened skin in spots, tight, pink and shiny in others. It was ugly and foreign and ran down my shoulder and my side. There was nothing pretty or attractive about it.

  “Does it hurt at all?”

  Somewhere I found my voice. “Not really. There’s some nerve damage on my side. That can annoy me at times if I bump it or sometimes it just pains on its own. It’s hard to describe. Sort of a sharp jabbing feeling or even tingles.”

  He moved another step closer till he was standing so close I could feel the air move between us as he breathed and I could see the pores of his skin in fine detail. I wanted to step back so bad. I wanted to run. His hand came down and rested on my right hip. He did it slowly and I knew it was calculated not to spook me.

  “Breathe, Eden. To teach you, I’m going to need to have my hands on you. Martial arts is a contact activity by the very nature of it.”

  I held my breath and let it out slowly…trying to relax into his touch. His hand on my hip felt so foreign. It was so deliberate. The heat and sensations had my thoughts feeling foggy and disjointed. Was it possible to be terrified and reassured at the same time?