Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  Xander didn’t look up. “Are you or aren’t you the one that is studying accounting and IT?”

  “Yes,” I squeaked out.

  He pushed back from the desk on his wheeled chair with a move so aggressive my heart almost stopped. “Well, Gem, I suggest you get your butt over here and see if you can make some sense of this. If I have to look at this spreadsheet a second longer, that computer is going to meet an unpleasant end with the road right out front of this place.” As aggressive as his actions were his voice was perfectly controlled and sounded totally conversational. He’d used that word Gem again and I was absolutely confused by it all but said nothing.

  Xander moved from behind the desk and stepped forward to herd me behind his desk. My heart thudded in my chest. He plopped his body down on the sofa opposite the desk as I took the seat and ran my eyes over what was causing him so much grief.

  It looked to be an expenses sheet.

  “Are you trying to get the office expenses column to tally?” I asked very tentatively.

  “Yeah, that’s the one. Apparently my damned accountant needs this now!” There was no doubting just how he felt about his accountant.

  I quickly scanned the column and checked the numbers and then found the problem. Somehow a stray formula had gotten into the column creating an error. I cleared the column and the total popped up happily. Then I linked the expenses column to the overall sheet and it all balanced beautifully.

  “Where do you want it saved?” I asked

  “You’ve got it fixed already?” There was no mistaking the awe in his voice. It was nothing really, just a very simple spreadsheeting error.

  “Yes, I just need to save it and then you can forward it to your accountant.” I hesitated a fraction but turned to look at him. There was a smile on his face and all the tension and anger were gone.

  “Just save it to the accountant folder in my documents, please.” Then he looked a lot sheepish. “Sorry about that. Bookwork and computers just do my head in. Phones, iPads and xboxes are about the extent of tech I enjoy. Thanks for fixing that, Gem.”

  I turned back to the computer and quickly found the file path. “Do you want me to send it to the email address it was attached to—your accountant?”

  “That’d be awesome.” I nodded and sent the spreadsheet on its way.

  When I finished, I looked up and could see him staring at me intently. I pushed back from the desk a lot more sedately than he had. I could hear people filing into the dojo and I knew our time was up. I needed to go home and step out of the dream—return back to being Eden.

  Xander got up off the sofa as well, as I shouldered my knapsack and satchel.

  “Umm… thanks so much for everything you showed me. I’ll see you later.”

  I started rushing for the door but he caught my hand. “Don’t rush off, besides I’m going to drive you home. I’m not having you out there wandering around.” My stomach danced a little at that but I also felt a little annoyed. I was a nuisance.

  “You don’t need to worry; I’ll be fine to get home.”

  Then he shocked the hell out of me. For the second time today, his hand took my chin and he forced me to look at him. He did it gently but there was no mistaking his actions or the fact that he had something he wanted me to understand. Strange thing was, when he did this, I didn’t feel like a naughty child but rather a woman waking from a very deep sexual sleep.

  “You’re right. I won’t be worrying about you getting home because I’ll be taking you. And before you argue some more, understand I want to do it. And I’m the sort of person that doesn’t do a damned thing I don’t want to.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured staring into his eyes. They were so dark and intense I was positive I could get lost and never find my way out.

  He moved in closer to me, and my heart stopped for a split second, wondering what he was going to do. His lips moved closer to me and his eyes were focusing on my mouth. Then he jerked slightly and skimmed his mouth over my forehead.

  “You’re very welcome.” His voice was tight and that confused me. Then I realised what my stupid mind had probably been thinking. No, don’t even go there Eden…a man like Xander would never be interested in you in that way. He was just being friendly.

  Xander grabbed his car keys from the desk. “Let’s go, I need to teach a class in about thirty minutes.” I turned and headed from his office. He was right behind me with his hand at the small of my back guiding me.

  As we headed down the corridor an attractive little red head with a flirty smile, completely ignored me but beamed at him as we approached.

  “Hello, Sensei, are you taking us today?” Her voice almost purred and I knew exactly what she had on her mind.

  “No, Clarisse. Sensei Dane is.” Her face fell and bottom lip pouted like a child that had lost its favourite toy.

  I kept moving and felt her eyes bore into me as we passed.

  A few moments later he was unlocking the door for me and helping me up into my seat before joining me behind the wheel.

  We’d been driving for a couple of minutes; he looked to be deep in thought. There was something I needed to discuss with him that had been on my mind for a couple of days. I wasn’t sure how to tackle it, but I needed to raise it. I leaned forward to my satchel and got my purse out.

  He glanced across and caught me. “What are you doing?”

  “I need to know how much you charge for the lessons.” I really hoped it wasn’t more than fifty dollars. That’s all I had on me and I had barely anymore more money until my next government study assistance payment came in next week.

  We stopped at a light and he looked over his gaze serious. “There’s no charge, Eden. I don’t charge friends for my help.”

  I was confused. “But we’ve only just met and you’ve been incredibly kind and all, but I wouldn’t have said we were friends yet.” Friends were people you’d been close to for a long time, weren’t they?

  “Oh, make no mistake about it. We’re friends, Eden, and I’ve already said I don’t take payments from friends.” The lights changed and he drove off. I didn’t feel right about this. I didn’t want people’s pity or a free ride. My parents had never taken it, nor would I.

  “Well, thank you for your generosity, but I don’t feel right accepting your expertise and help without giving you something in return. I mean you run a business; your students pay. Sophia pays. Tori pays.” I tried to keep it as unemotional as possible, even though my stomach was in knots again.

  “And you don’t pay, Eden.” His voice was set and determined, but I couldn’t leave it there. It wasn’t fair to him, nor was it fair to others.

  “But what about the other students that pay? We need to sort out something.”

  He pulled up outside my house and undid his seatbelt, then mine. Just like he’d done earlier this afternoon and I knew we were about to have another one of those conversations. He waited until I looked him directly in the eye, then he started.

  “Seems I need to set you straight on a few things. I have rules where my business and private life are concerned. Yes, I train and teach students. But I don’t socialise with them. Sure, occasionally we’ll do stuff like the BBQ last weekend. But students don’t come to my house and I don’t hang out with them outside of the dojo. Friends are different. I don’t teach them. I help them because I want to. I’m then free to invite them over, make plans with them and hang with them whenever I want. See why you can’t be a student and why you can’t pay me?”

  My brain was suddenly as good as useless. What was he saying? He wanted to spend more time with me. I didn’t get it. Why would he want to? I was just a scared girl with some nasty scars. There was absolutely no reason why he’d want to spend time with me…surely? Then the doubts hit me. I knew what it was like to be the brunt of jokes. It had happened before and every time it hurt. Was this some cruel game, some elaborate setup to get me to trust him only so he could make fun of me later?

  “Tell me
what you’re thinking, Eden. I can see your mind ticking over but judging by the look on your face I don’t think I like where your thoughts are at.”

  I dropped my eyes and he caught my chin once more. Not tight or painful—more a reminder of what he wanted, my full attention.

  “We’re having a serious conversation, Eden. Give me your eyes.” I looked up at him again. “Now tell me what you’re thinking. It’s killing me.”

  He asked, so he’d get the truth. “I’m wondering why on earth you want to be friends with me. I’m wondering if it’s some sort of sick joke and suddenly a crowd of people are going to jump out and make fun of me. I don’t get it, okay? I never wanted anyone’s pity. Particularly not yours.”

  This time it was his turn to turn away. His nostrils flared as he took a deep breath and a few seconds went by; the silence was coming unbearable and I was about to pull away and bolt inside.

  Finally he turned back. “That hurt. Eden. A lot…” My stomach clenched and I felt sick. I knew how much I hated pain and the thought I’d caused someone else pain really stabbed at me. I automatically went to say sorry. But he shook his head no… “I get why you’d think it, Eden. I really do. But it’s absolutely not true. I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. That’s a promise. I don’t break them. I don’t pity you.

  I think what happened to you is awful and tragic but I don’t pity you. I’ve seen enough to know how brave you can be, I want to be part of that. I want to see you get your courage back. I want to see you live a full life again, not hiding at home like some recluse. Everyone needs a few good friends and I want to be one of yours. I enjoy spending time with you. There’s a lot you’re hiding and I want to understand it, experience it.”

  I knew he was telling me the truth. His eyes told me so—but I still had doubts, it just seemed so unrealistic. I pulled back from his hand cupping my chin. “I want to believe you, Xander, I really do, but are you sure you don’t see me as some project or something?”

  He shook his head slowly but kept looking at me. “I don’t see you as a project. I see you as a woman that’s been dealt a shit hand. I see you as someone that is desperate to break out, but just needs some help with the odd sign post along the way. We’re all damaged, Eden. We all have fears and demons that eat at our insides. Some are more obvious than others, but they’re all there. We all have them. Anyone that tells you different is lying.”

  My shoulders shrugged still not convinced. “But you’re you and I’m me.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” He looked a little exasperated.

  “It means…well you know… you’re…” I couldn’t find the words.

  He opened his hands in front of him asking me to explain. “I’m what? What is it you think I am?”

  Oh God, he was going to make me say it. He was really going to. I closed my eyes for a second and took a breath to steady my racing heart. “You’re some hot professional MMA fighter. You’re successful, you’re incredibly fit and handsome. You could have any friend you wanted, male or female. Why me?”

  Then he nodded. “Well, that’s a relief, although hardly true anymore.”

  Now I was puzzled. “What’s a relief?”

  “I was beginning to think you weren’t interested, didn’t feel it.”

  Now I was hellishly confused. “Look Xander, I have no idea what you’re getting at. I’m really sorry but I just don’t understand what you’re wanting or trying to tell me.”

  He reached out and stroked a heavy lock of my hair off my face, before he spoke. “Eden, I’m relieved you think I’m attractive because, over the last few days, I’ve realised I think of you in the same way. Sure the scars are there but I don’t notice them. What I see is a woman I want to spend time with and get to know better. There I’ve said it. That’s why you can’t be a student. I don’t date students.”

  I shrunk back against the door behind me. What did he just say? Was my hearing and mind playing tricks on me? I did suffer some hearing loss for a while after the fire. Maybe it had come back? I shook my head. My eyes didn’t leave his and he looked just as confused as I felt.

  I had to know if I’d heard him right. “Did you just say something about dating me?”

  He raised his eyebrows at me and nodded his head slowly. “I did.”

  There was no mistaking that. I felt so overwhelmed. Dating…hell that meant all sorts of stuff. I wasn’t a kid and neither was Xander. That meant a lot more than kissing and holding hands. That meant intimacy and nakedness, an expectation of sex somewhere in the not too distant future. Could I do that? I had no idea.

  Oh God! The clock was ticking and I knew he had to get back for a class. I had to say something, do something. We couldn’t just leave it at this.

  “Xander, I just don’t know. I’d like to say yes, but you need to understand I’m such a mess. Hell, today was the first time anyone has seen my scars other than the doctors and my family. I haven’t even kissed a man since before the fire. Do you really want to be stuck with that? I just don’t know what I’m going to be comfortable doing and not doing and in what time frame. It’s all so new to me. I also know you need to be getting back to teach.”

  He nodded his head. “I do need to get going, Eden. But I want you to know I get what you’re saying. I get that it’s all going to be new and different and that you’re going to be uncomfortable. I guess what I’m asking is—will you at least give it a go? I don’t have classes past six tomorrow night. Nobody wants to train on a Friday night—me, included. How about we do another session in the afternoon if you want? Then come over to my house for a bit. I’ll cook you dinner and we can just chill out and get to know each other better.”

  What he was offering was so tempting. I wanted to, I really did but it had to be on my terms.

  “Okay, I’ll come over.” I saw the smile immediately break out on his face. He really was excited. “But…we do this as friends. It’s a big step for me. I’ve not been to anyone’s house without my family since the fire. I trust you, but I don’t know how I’m going to react or feel. I don’t want you to have expectations that I can’t live up to.”

  He took my hand and pulled me forward to him in a hug made awkward by the console between the seats. His lips brushed my left ear.

  “Thank you, Eden. You won’t regret this.” His arms tightened around me one last time, then he pulled away. “I hate to run when I really think there’s more to be said, but I’ve got to go. We can talk about it more tomorrow night.”

  I grabbed my gear and opened the door.

  “I should be doing that and walking you to the door, will you forgive me just this once? I’m running really late.” He pulled a pained face.

  I giggled and climbed down waving him off. “I’ll hold you to that. Now go and teach!”

  “See you, Gem.”

  “Bye Xander.” I closed the door and as I waited for him to pull away, the front door of my house opened and Sophia appeared.

  I knew I was going to have some explaining to do.

  Chapter 9

  Eden

  Far out! What a day! I fell into bed. It was ten pm and I was zonked. First it had been Sophia, then it had been Beth. Then when Tori got the chance she “had to know” as well. I guessed this is what I’d been missing for the last few years—this pouring over conversations, daydreaming and analysing relationships to death. I wasn’t sure I really enjoyed it just yet. It felt weird. Besides so far it was just dinner and hanging out at a friend’s place.

  Relationship…what a strange word! Was that what I was doing? I had no idea. I was excited and terrified all at once. I really hoped he wouldn’t be disappointed.

  There was a light knock on the door and it opened a fraction. Sophia poked her head around the corner.

  “Good, you’re still awake.” She didn’t ask to come in, just came over and sat on my bed. That was so Sophia.

  “Something you wanted?”

  She looked at me and smiled, but it wasn�
��t her usual type of smile. It was hard to describe, almost a little melancholy “Yeah I just wanted to let you know I’m pleased for you. I can see that you’re really trying to make an effort to get out there again and give it ago.” She picked up one of the cushions I’d pushed aside and started to cuddle it. “I know how hard it is for you.” Then she turned towards me and I could see the tears pooling over her eyes. “I also know that if it wasn’t for you, Tori and I wouldn’t be alive…right…now.” She broke off sobbing so I reached forward and hugged her tight. Tears feel freely down my face as well.

  We’d talked about the fire many times as a family. There’d been months of counselling for everyone. It didn’t matter. Whenever there was change or stuff going on—the fire always came up. And it needed to be addressed. It was not so overwhelming now, but it would be with us all forever. Each of us had a different haunting memory or different demons to fight from the fire.

  Mum and dad beat themselves up about the fact they weren’t there. Mum was working a late shift at the hospital. Dad was somewhere on the road between Melbourne and Adelaide. We were hardly little kids when it happened, almost adults.

  Sophia and Tori blame themselves.

  I blame myself for going to bed early. If I’d been studying for that test like I should have been and not sleeping, then I would have been aware that much earlier. We all got out alive. That’s all that matters now.

  “Hey, Soph. Shhh… It’s okay. It doesn’t matter anymore.” I held her close to me and crooned to her.

  “But it does…if you hadn’t have come and got us then you wouldn’t be burnt and then you wouldn’t be freaking out about a date and...and…” she trailed off.

  “Soph, even if I could, I wouldn’t change what I did or what happened. Sure I’d prefer there was no fire. But not coming after you two was never an option. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t get you out.”

  She was sobbing up a storm. When Sophia let go, she really let go. I reached over and grabbed the tissues from the bedside table and pushed a handful at her. Then I wiped my own face.