Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  Eden chose that moment to slide back into the booth at the café. She’d just been off visiting the bathroom. The café was all but deserted this late in the afternoon. The only other customers here were a couple of middle-aged women out the front.

  She was sitting in the seat she always chose. I’d suggested we come here, as I knew she felt comfortable. All day Eden had been doing great with being out and about. I could feel her getting a lot more anxious when we’d ventured into the crowded shopping mall after leaving the larger open area home shopping complexes. We’d grabbed lunch on the run and this was really the first time we’d been able to sit and relax.

  “You looked like you were deep in thought?” She smiled at me a little shyly but her eyes were shining and happy.

  I gave her a little grin and nod. “Sprung, I guess.” Then she looked at me as if she wanted to ask something but wasn’t quite sure. “Go on ask. If I don’t want to answer, I won’t.”

  “What were you thinking about? Your expression looked intense as I came across the room.”

  “Yeah, I guess you could say that. I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment.”

  “Oh.” Was all she said and she looked a little guilty. “I didn’t mean to take up so much of your time.”

  I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. “That’s not it at all, Eden. If I didn’t want to spend time with you, I wouldn’t. I’ve just got a few decisions to make about some stuff. Most of it has nothing to do with you, but you’ve certainly changed my thinking on a couple of things.” I could see the curiosity on her face but the waitress chose that moment to come over and looked first to Eden and then to me.

  “Hey, Eden, it’s great to see you out and about without your sisters or mother. Not that I don’t love them, all but it’s about time you remembered there was more to life.” I saw Eden shrug her shoulders a little and drop her chin coyly.

  “Thanks Sally, I’m trying. By the way Sally meet Xander.”

  Eden turned and motioned to me with her hand.

  “Oh, I know who this guy is. “Pretty Boy” has been in here a few times. In fact, I served him breakfast this morning.”

  The surprised look on Eden’s face was impossible to miss. I hadn’t mentioned that I’d been here this morning with Dane and Reed. Not because I wanted to keep it from Eden but rather, I hadn’t made any decisions yet. I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do before I let her know, but I guess that option had just been removed.

  “Oh whoops. Sorry me and my big mouth,” Sally apologised and she looked very sheepish.

  “It doesn’t matter. It was hardly a secret I had breakfast here with Dane and Reed.”

  “Well, in that case how about I just get on with doing my job which is to take your orders.”

  I looked over at Eden and nodded my head indicating she should place her order. “I’ll have a chocolate thickshake and could I have one of those double choc cupcakes. They’re to die for.”

  Sally nodded and jotted it down, then she looked at me.

  “I’ll have a black cof…”I heard the sharp intake of Eden’s breath and then I realised what I’d done. “Let me change that. I’ll have an iced coffee, with extra cream and if those cup cakes are as good as you say, Eden, I’d better have one of those as well.”

  “I’ll get that organised for you right now.” Sally turned and headed off to the counter.

  “Thank you for understanding about the hot drink.” Eden’s eyes didn’t meet mine as she said the words. I could tell she was embarrassed, but also grateful at the same time.

  “It’s okay, Eden. You’ve done really great all day. We’ll work on the hot drinks. Besides it might be the last high calorie decadent weekend I have in a while.” If I was back in fight training, Iced-Coffees and cupcakes were definitely off the menu. It was eight weeks of hell. The beginning of a campaign like that was always full of mixed emotions. Hard work took on a whole new meaning. I was going to ache everyday in muscles and places I didn’t even know I had. Reed and I had always worked on the “Train hard, fight easy Principle”. Reed’s idea of training hard was total insanity. Part of me relished the challenge again, but another part was filled with dread.

  We sat in silence for a few moments. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but I was keen to see if Eden would come right out and ask me about breakfast this morning. “You can ask you know. It’s not a secret as I said to Sally before.”

  “Well, you didn’t offer it up all day so I figured it’s not something you want to talk to me about. Who you choose to have breakfast with is hardly my business.”

  I nodded in agreement and I watched her retreat more into herself. “But it’s not for the reasons you’re probably thinking. I haven’t told you about this morning because Dane, Reed and I discussed a lot of things. Some of those things have me really asking myself a lot of questions and I’m not sure of the answers at the moment.”

  Eden was now really intrigued. Her expression had gone from one that almost resembled a whipped puppy to one of open curiosity.

  “Dane you know.” I watched her nod and a few other emotions flashed across her face too fast for me to easily read, but I figured it was all to do with what she’d experienced the other night. “Reed has been like an older brother to me for about as long as I can remember. He’s the son of my old Sensei Ron and then, when I started to fight seriously, he became my trainer.”

  She nodded her understanding and I went on. “He offered me a big time fight this morning.”

  I could see the surprise and caution on her face in equal parts. “What does that mean? I understand what a fight is obviously but you don’t seem at all happy about it. In fact, the exact opposite.” Yeah that about summed it up. I wasn’t excited about it. The fight was an opportunity. Nothing more, nothing less. It was an opportunity for me to face my fears and move on. But could I do it? I truthfully didn’t know that yet.

  “Well, you’re right. I’m not that happy about it. I’m not sure I can even do it. I haven’t even been back in a cage since the night I killed The Cobra.” I said it without really thinking and I’d already retreated back into my head and the events of that fateful night were hammering at my brain.

  Then I heard the sudden intake of her breath and the horrified look on her face. Oh God! I’d let my guard down and now I’d blown everything.

  How could she not know?

  Everyone knew—didn’t they?

  I watched almost in fascination as her mouth opened and then closed a couple of times. In the end I felt sorry for just dumping that on her. “You didn’t know?”

  Her head moved “No” in tight jerky little shakes.

  “How could you not know? It’s all over the internet. I figured you would have Googled me or someone would have said something?” I asked incredulously.

  “No, I didn’t. I don’t like learning about people from the internet. I prefer for them to tell me themselves, so no I didn’t Google you.” Her words were delivered with a little edge and I knew I deserved it.

  Sally chose that moment to bring over our drinks and cakes. “There you both go. If you need anything more just give me a wave.” She turned and was gone.

  I took a long draw of the iced coffee and suddenly wished it was laced with whisky. I could have certainly used the hit right then.

  “First off, before you freak right out, let me explain that it was one hundred percent accidental and it occurred in the cage. The governing body, Occupational Health and Safety as well as the cops carried out an investigation and I was completely cleared of any charges or stuff like that. No case to answer.”

  Eden nodded and I could see that information had eased a lot of the worry from her face, but I could only imagine what a shock it must have been to her.

  “I was in a title fight just over three years ago and I accidentally killed a guy.” I clenched my fingers into fists and I could feel the hit, exactly as I’d felt it when I’d connected to his jaw. The sick feeling was sloshing around
in my guts and I suddenly wondered if the iced coffee and cupcake were a good idea.

  “We’d been going at it for a few rounds and I needed to finish the fight off. My mind was already on the next fight. I knew I had him…” I paused for a second not quite sure how to go on. Eden just sat there and looked at me. There wasn’t judgement in her eyes but something else that I didn’t recognise. Then she reached over and took my hand.

  “Go on, if you want to. Sometimes it helps to talk about it.” Then I knew what I was seeing. It was empathy and understanding that only someone who had experienced something terrible happening to them, could understand. It was the firsthand knowledge of the pain that was so deep rooted, you didn’t know where it started or finished. It just seemed to be impregnated into every one of the cells that made up your body.

  She rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand. It was a tiny gesture, but it seemed to say so much more than words could possibly cover or explain.

  “Reed had identified a weakness in his game. He told me what to look for and when the opportunity opened up, I took it. He was slow retracting his punches and I managed to get under his guard and take his legs out from under him. Then I had a strong mount position and I was pummelling his head with punches.”

  It was the next bit that I still struggled to talk about. My throat felt like it had closed up and I felt like the biggest pussy as the guilt and a thousand other things swamped me. I was stuck because I never expected to have to explain what had happened to Eden right now—if at all. I figured she’d know just like everyone else did. How did I go from having a really great day to my guts feeling like they were being ripped out through my nostrils?

  Eden dropped my hand and got up from where she was sitting and I started to panic a little bit. Was she leaving me? Could she not stand to be around me anymore? I didn’t blame her if that was the case. There wasn’t a much worse thing that one person could do to another.

  I was just about to get up and follow her when she slid into the bench seat next to me and laced her fingers through mine and pressed her body right up beside me. Her warmth and caring flooded through me and suddenly the pain seemed to recede a little.

  “I know how hard it is to recount what happened. The feelings and the pain don’t go away no matter how many times you tell the story. The edge comes off a little, but they still take your breath away and you wonder how on earth you can survive the next few seconds let alone tell someone about what you went through and how you feel about it.” That was exactly it—how I was feeling right now. “Take your time.”

  I nodded and swallowed a few times, desperately trying to make sure my voice didn’t crack. “He moved his head. He broke a fundamental safety rule we get taught...By moving his head he increased the impact and I also hit a much more vulnerable area. It all happened so fast. I realised it as I was part way through the strike, but as much as my brain was screaming for me to pull the punch, it was just too late and I couldn’t.” She squeezed my hand and I knew she was feeling everything I was relating. It was like we were sharing the pain—by touching we were sharing the burden, making it somehow possible to bear.

  “I knew as soon as my fist hit his jaw it was going to be bad. He was pretty well gone instantly.” For the first time since that night, I felt my eyes get moist and begin to prickle. It was such a foreign sensation. One I’d not felt or experienced in years. My throat was tight and I reached for the iced coffee seeking some sort of lubrication.

  “I haven’t got back into the cage since. I swore I wouldn’t fight again. But now I’m beginning to realise that was me just taking the coward’s way out. We all know when we set foot in the cage or the ring there are dangers, but we also know how to protect ourselves. If we don’t, we shouldn’t be there…” I trailed off and stared at the wall in front of me. It was the first time I’d spoken to anyone about this in a very long time and never quite like this.

  Then Eden seemed to snuggle in a little more and rested her head on my shoulder. It was done as form of comfort. From anyone else, I think I would have rejected it, but from Eden it was different. She was a survivor. “I can’t even imagine what you must go through living with that. But I do know about replaying the what if’s, the if onlys, the why me’s and all the logic angles. None of them ever give you any relief from the torment. It’s as if somehow applying logic to an awful and totally illogical scenario will suddenly make it all right and give you the permission you need to move on. If only it was that easy…” She let out a jaded little half laugh that spoke a lot of her experience at wrangling with the whole ragged mess.

  We just sat for a few moments. Both lost in our own thoughts, but connected by our bodies.

  Finally she spoke. “In case you’re worried, I don’t blame you or think worse of you for what happened. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, it was an accident. ‘An unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury.’ That’s the dictionary definition—unfortunately I know it by heart. But it does nothing to explain the pain and the carnage it leaves behind. It’s an empty word that seems nowhere near enough to explain it, but inadequately, that’s the best our language seems to be able to come up with. And the victims just live with the consequences.”

  Eden was absolutely correct. “The Cobra’s dead, consequences don’t get any worse than that.” I said flatly.

  “I disagree. Sure he’s not here and that’s tragic, but you live with the consequences of the accident everyday. That’s a heavy weight to carry.” And if anyone knew about carrying heavy weights it was Eden.

  That was the moment I reversed my whole opinion of Eden. I thought she’d been weak and probably a quitter. But right then I realised I’d just discovered the strongest person I’d ever met. What must she have gone through?

  Chapter 13

  Eden

  After a discussion that intense, I thought he’d want a bit of distance. I was certainly ready to head home and call it a day. The day had been great and I’d really enjoyed his company and the hours shared. For the most part, I’d handled my anxiety quite well. At least, I thought so. The mall still bothered the hell out of me, and I wondered if it would ever be any different.

  Too many people all seeming to look at me and stare.

  We’d not been in his truck for very long when he reached over and took my hand and rested it on his thigh, with his over the top. It felt very intimate and I was both excited and nervous at the same time.

  “This could well be my last “free weekend” for a while. I don’t want it to end just yet. I’ve got a proposal for you. Think about it before you answer. I’ll respect your decision whatever it is, but I really hope you’ll say yes.”

  My pulse skipped up and I began to really wonder what he had in mind. It sounded serious and I wasn’t quite sure if I understood what he meant.

  “What did you mean by last free weekend?”

  “If I say yes to the fight, training starts immediately. That means things will change for me.” He didn’t say anymore and I didn’t know what it meant for us. Was there even an ‘us’ or was I living some school girl fantasy? I was really trying not to get my hopes up, but it was becoming more and more impossible the longer I spent with Xander.

  When I glanced across at him, he seemed a little unsure which was very un-Xander like. He was always so exact, particular and confident. The fact that he seemed to be procrastinating was making me really nervous. “Are you going to tell me what this is about?”

  I noticed his hand tighten on the wheel. “Well, you can always say no. But here goes…So I was thinking if you didn’t have anything planned for the rest of the weekend, we could spend it together.”

  I let out the breath, I didn’t realise I was holding. Sure, I had some study to do, but then I always did. There was nothing new there. “That sounds fine, I don’t have anything that I can’t rearrange. I was just going to do some study. I’ve got all my assignments in.”

  He l
ooked like he relaxed a little and then he took the turn off towards the estate where my house was. “Are you taking me home?” I asked a little confused.

  “I am.”

  “I don’t quite understand.”

  “I want you to go pack a bag. I guess I’d better tell you what I had in mind.” My heart had skipped a few beats at “pack a bag”. A sleepover wasn’t something I’d planned. In fact, I hadn’t slept anywhere but at home or the hospital for the last five years.

  “Don’t freak out. Let me explain what I’ve got in mind.” He obviously knew me well enough to know when I was about to start getting really anxious.

  “Okay…”

  “So I thought you could grab some stuff for tonight and tomorrow. Then we could get some takeaway Chinese or whatever, on the way home. Tonight we can just chill out and watch another movie. Then tomorrow morning we get up really early and I’ll load up the quad bike. I’ve got a friend with a property up in the mountains; it’s awesome to go quad biking there. How does that sound?” He glanced over at me with a hopeful look and a little grin.

  Oh God! That was a lot to throw at me. I’d never spent more than a few hours with anyone. Now he was talking 24x7 for a couple of days. And quad biking. That sounded like fun, but it was something I’d never done or even thought about doing.

  “Where would I sleep?” It was the elephant in the room, at least for me.

  “You can have my bed. I’ll take the sofa. I’ve slept there before. No pressure Eden. This is not some elaborate plan to push you harder or quicker than what you’re comfortable with.”

  One thing I was comfortable with was his word. He’d pushed me hard in a couple of situations, but Xander had never done anything to make me feel nervous around him, except in a good way. I was sure I could trust him, but maybe I was more of a risk than he was—especially given the way my hormones had been feeling throughout the day.