Still Waters

by Jayne Rylon

  He didn’t have to explain or relive those terrible moments. Jake got it.

  “If that’s how you really feel, you’re right. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Jake paused then added, “But if you’re avoiding intimacy because you’re afraid to open up again, well…that doesn’t sound healthy.”

  Fear and denial caused Bryant to lash out. The instant he opened his mouth, he wished he could call his words back, but they were gone and said before he could stop them. “Is that why you never found another partner after Haiwee?”

  Jake grunted as if her name was like a punch to the gut. His breathing was ragged for a few seconds, ones Bryant felt insanely guilty about.

  “I’m sorry, Jake. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “You’re entitled to call me on my bullshit. Someone ought to have years ago.” The old man sounded even older now. “Don’t be dumb like me. Be smart, like you. Okay?”

  Bryant chuckled since Jake was wiser than most people he’d ever met. “I’ll do my best.”

  “Maybe you should consider discussing this with Colby when you get home,” Jake suggested. “Or maybe even Vaughn.”

  Bryant pointedly ignored the V-word.

  “Uncle Colby? Why?” He was incredibly likeable, charismatic, and easy to talk to, but Bryant couldn’t see where the guy would have any input on his sex life that could be helpful. Plus…his uncle? No thanks.

  “He’ll understand where you’re coming from. Clayton, too. Either would be a good choice if you need someone to vent to.” Jake was confusing Bryant more and more.

  What would one of his cousin Hope’s two husbands have to say about gay hookups? Wait… “You mean because they both have lovers that work the ranch, right? I told you, you don’t have to worry about that.”

  “Bryant, you have got to be the most emotionally dense kid I have ever met.”

  “Then enlighten me.”

  “You know that Silas and Colby are as in love with each other as Clayton and Wyatt are, right? They’re not only in the relationship to share their woman. They share each other, too. It’s a three-way connection.”

  At that, Bryant spun himself a little too hard. His stool tipped precariously, nearly dumping him on his ass on the linoleum floor. He gaped at his phone before wheezing, “I mean…I guess. Sort of. I never really thought about it that explicitly. But choosing ménage isn’t the same thing as being gay.”

  To him it seemed kind of normal. He’d grown up with Uncles Silas and Colby and Aunt Lucy, who loved each other as much as they loved their kids and nieces and nephews. Besides, Uncle Silas was mean enough to pulverize anyone who dared object or upset his partners. Bryant was pretty much his polar opposite.

  “Nah, you’re right. It’s probably more common. Downright boring.” Jake laughed. “Yep, kid. You’re not as freaky as you think. Nowhere near as freaky as your mom, for example. Back in their day, your mom and dad and I and about a half dozen other cowboys used to—”

  “No. Nope. Stop right there. I am not interested in hearing what you are about to say.”

  Jake laughed harder until he fell into a coughing fit.

  “You okay?” Bryant asked when he didn’t recover right away.

  “Haven’t felt quite right lately. Must be getting a cold or something. I’ll be fine.” Jake brushed off his concern, then hammered home his point. “Look, we want you home and we want you happy. Take some time to think about what I’ve said and we’ll discuss it more when you get here, okay?”

  Bryant tried to believe Jake. “Okay.”

  “Quit worrying. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  “Thanks, Jake. I miss you.” Bryant slumped on his stool. Maybe he could do this after all. With a little help from his mentor.

  “You know I’m only a phone call away. And soon I’ll be bugging you every day in person.” Jake chuckled. “You’ll be sick of me in a week.”

  “Never.”

  2

  As it turned out, Jake had lied to Bryant for the first and last time in his life.

  Everything was definitely not fine. And Bryant would never get another chance to talk with his surrogate grandfather, no matter how desperately he needed to.

  Jake was gone. Dead.

  He’d had a massive stroke in the very same barn where he’d saved Bryant and spent so much of his life.

  Bryant still couldn’t believe it was real. He rolled up to the red light at the center of Compton Pass, Wyoming. It looked mostly the same. A row of cute shops—including his sister Sterling’s handmade-jewelry boutique—a diner, the police and fire stations, a couple of bars for the cowboys, and a sign pointing toward the hospital just outside of town. But it didn’t feel the same. How could it?

  He’d gotten the call less than seven hours ago.

  Within five minutes, he’d dropped everything, packed some essentials, and left his college existence behind. Forgotten. When it came down to it, this town and his life here were most important.

  Except a huge chunk of that was gone. Jake.

  Just like that. The only good thing about the situation was that Jake hadn’t suffered a long illness like his grandparents. At least that’s what his cousin Austin and his girl, Hayden—who’d stumbled across Jake moments before his death—had promised Bryant when they’d called him home.

  There was no way he was ready to turn onto the ranch’s gravel driveway knowing Jake wasn’t there and never would be again. It felt wrong, like it would if the barns were demolished or the cattle vanished or his family moved and didn’t bother to tell him.

  Bryant swerved into a parking spot in front of the retail strip. Maybe he’d stop and talk to Sterling first. She’d texted him that she had to finish a custom order before she could head over to the ranch. He could catch his breath and steel himself for going home, a place that was forever changed.

  He remembered when his grandmother had passed away, but he’d only been a kid. Now he understood the significance of what they’d all lost. Including his brother-in-law, Viho, who was Jake’s son. Oh God, it only got worse the more he thought about it. Had Jake known how much he meant to them all? What an integral part of Compass Ranch he’d been?

  Bryant hoped so because now that he wanted to tell him, he couldn’t.

  He slid out of his truck, bracing his hands on his knees when the world wobbled a bit. He’d driven straight through, his mind racing faster than the miles that had passed beneath his tires. He wasn’t Austin, a road warrior, used to long-haul trucking. Eating anything had been out of the question. For a nerd, it was a lot to handle.

  “Hey, Bryant? Is that you?” a concerned person asked. “Are you all right?”

  For a second, he flashed back to that awful day in the barn. Then he realized why. Although he hadn’t heard it in more than half a decade, and despite it being deeper and gruffer than he remembered, he recognized the voice.

  Not now. Not here.

  Bryant had known it was inevitable. He couldn’t keep avoiding the guy once he became a resident of Compton Pass again, but he absolutely wasn’t prepared to deal with a reunion today, when he was already raw and damn near at his lowest.

  “Vaughn?” Bryant straightened a little too fast, smacking his head on his side mirror in the process. “Ow! Shit. Yes. I’m fine. Or I was. Damn it. What are you doing here?”

  Of all the people in Compton Pass—okay, so there weren’t that many people in the town—he had to stumble across this one the instant he returned? What had he done to royally piss off the universe?

  “That’s my tattoo parlor. I was cleaning up, getting ready for this evening’s hours, and saw you pull in. For a second I thought maybe you’d come to see me until I realized you’re probably looking for Sterling.” Vaughn cleared his throat. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.”

  Bryant squinted at him. “Sorry?”

  His brain scrambled, trying to clear their awful shared history from his mind and focus on this atrocious day instead. Surely Vaughn wasn’
t talking about way back then. Was he?

  Bryant rubbed the spot he’d smacked. Maybe he’d hit it harder than he thought…

  “About Jake.” Vaughn kicked the curb with the toe of his boot. “I know you two were close.”

  Ah, shit. Bryant wanted nothing more than to run away. But where would he run to? Home? No, that’s what he’d been running from in the first place. Stuck between Vaughn and the thought of going to Compass Ranch without Jake to greet him, Bryant propped himself against his truck, relying on it to hold him up.

  Besides, he was being selfish. It would be impossible to miss the pinched set of Vaughn’s sexy mouth or the heaviness in his gaze. “You worked for him a long time, too. Everyone’s going to miss that old bastard.”

  Vaughn chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true. He was there for me after my dad died. And… Well, yeah. He helped me through a lot of shit in his own tough-love way.”

  At any other time, Bryant would have asked what he meant by that. Right then, he didn’t have the energy to take on anything but standing upright and making it through the next second.

  “I hope you know I’m here if you need anything,” Vaughn said gently.

  Bryant hated the pity in his stare, and yet, he wanted nothing more than to lean on the one guy he should have resented. The one who’d pushed him away before. That was fucked up. But it didn’t make it any less true. He subconsciously angled toward Vaughn, who reached out to steady him with a firm grip on his upper arm. Vaughn’s thumb brushed up and down in a slow arc.

  The simple, comforting touch seared Bryant as if it had been one of the ranch’s branding irons instead of Vaughn’s hand on skin. He was pretty sure he’d be able to feel the imprint of Vaughn’s fingers forever after.

  Bryant swallowed and resisted the urge to make a fool of himself with Vaughn. Again.

  Before he could figure out what to do or say next, his sister saved him.

  “Bryant!” Sterling shouted as she flew out her shop door and sprinted toward them. “You’re home.”

  When she neared, she flung herself into his arms, forcing him to be strong for her and reminding him that he’d need to be there for the rest of the family, too. He caught her and hugged her hard enough that she squeaked.

  Vaughn gave them a look that was tough to read. Envy? Regret? Disdain?

  Bryant couldn’t tell. But the guy started backing up again, just like he had that day years ago in the barn. Fuck him. Bryant wasn’t going to let Vaughn’s judgment affect him. Not again. And he certainly wasn’t going to start making bad decisions just because the man was the sexiest person alive and Bryant craved his approval.

  He was far too intelligent for that. And he had the 4.0 GPA to prove it.

  If he could find solace with his family, that was his best bet.

  “See you guys at the services,” Vaughn mumbled as he turned and ambled back to his tattoo shop.

  “Vaughn, wait!” Sterling called out, stopping him. “My mom said there’s going to be a bonfire tonight. Informal. You know how it is. Everyone’s dropping by anyway and the casseroles are stacking up. You’re welcome to come. Eat. Share stories. Get through this together.”

  She flicked her gaze between Vaughn and Bryant. Could she sense the tension in the air?

  “I’m sure he’s busy,” Bryant snapped before pointing at a handwritten sign lettered in a badass script that looked a lot like his cousin Austin’s tattoos. Ones Vaughn had done. He was a hell of an artist. Bryant would give him that. He was even better than his dad had been, and Bryant had often admired his own father’s and uncles’ massive back tattoos, courtesy of Snake. “The shop is open at night. Says so right there on the door.”

  Sterling smacked his chest. She hissed, low enough that only he could hear, “What’s wrong with you? That’s not how Jake would want you to act. Vaughn was one of his, too.”

  A low blow. One only a big sister could deliver with such precision. Fine. “I mean, yeah. If you can get away…”

  “Like anyone’s going to come in tonight anyway.” Vaughn shook his head. “Although I did already get two calls from hands out on your ranch wanting a commemorative tattoo, I don’t think I’m ready to do them just yet.”

  Huh. There was an idea. Bryant tucked it away for later.

  “Well, I have about an hour’s worth of work left on my custom order. Then I’m heading out that way.” Sterling wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “Viho needs me. But he insisted I not break this contract. So I better hurry.”

  “Go on, finish up.” Bryant hugged her one last time. He let his arms drop to his side, empty. Then he sucked in a huge breath and turned toward Vaughn. “You, too. She’s right. Jake would want you there.”

  Vaughn nodded as if he’d been waiting for Bryant’s invitation.

  “Tell Mom and Dad I’ll be home soon,” Sterling said before patting Bryant’s chest and walking back toward her shop. She couldn’t disguise her sniffle as she went.

  “I guess I’ll see you tonight then.” Vaughn retreated to his door across the sidewalk. He looked over his shoulder one last time before ducking into his place, Cowboy Ink.

  For the first time in his life, Bryant wondered what it would be like to let someone—not anyone, but Vaughn specifically—tattoo him. It would be a cheap excuse to lie there and let Vaughn touch him all over…

  Ugh.

  He obviously hadn’t learned a single thing in the six years he’d been gone.

  Not a single damn thing.

  3

  Beaten down by grief, annoyance, desperation, and exhaustion, Bryant slid from behind the wheel of his truck. His boots stirred up a cloud of dust that made him aware of how dry it already was at Compass Ranch. He had his work cut out for him.

  “Hi, baby.” His mom, Cindi, ran out to greet him. She flung herself at him, smothering him in her arms. His father waved from behind her.

  “He’s hardly a baby anymore,” Sam said with a rueful grin as he flung an arm around Bryant’s shoulders and another around his mother. “I’m glad you’re home, son.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” He shook his head. “Is it really true? It seems like a bad dream.”

  “I’m afraid so.” Sam winced. “I keep expecting him to rip me about leaving my office and getting my hands dirty or insisting we give the workers another raise. It’s like I can still hear him and know what he would think about things that are happening, especially of everyone making a big deal over him and his…death. It was that way with JD, and Vicki, too. I guess we carry their influence with us so it’s like they’re still here, telling us to do the things they would have in real life. They live on in that way, I suppose.”

  “There was a time when I thought not having a family was the worst thing on earth. Now I realize that the more you hold precious, the more you’re opening yourself to be hurt.” His mom blinked back tears, making Bryant cringe. She wasn’t the crying type. And nothing he said or did could bring Jake back.

  Fortunately, his dad knew what she needed to hear. “We loved him as much as we could while he was here. And we’ll love him even now that he’s not. It’d be far worse to never have met someone worth mourning.”

  His mom nodded, then tucked herself against his dad’s side. She hugged him fiercely and without words Bryant knew what she was thinking. There would come a day when they were separated. His parents. Their kids. All of them. And those days would be dark. They would make the most of the time they had together before then if they were smart.

  With a rich history came lots of loss, Bryant realized then. But he knew deep down that Jake and his grandparents wouldn’t want them to let their grief eclipse their many blessings, including the progress they could make for future generations, Comptons to come, if they kept the legacy of their ancestors’ hard work alive.

  “What’s all that?” Sam jerked his chin toward the canvas tarps in the back of the truck. They covered some of the equipment Bryant had borrowed from school. “Did you bring home all your stuff? Thought yo
u had a few months to go yet. You’re not quitting now, are you?”

  “Hell no.” Bryant had been looking forward to walking across the stage and claiming his doctoral degree for as long as he could remember. “It’s my final project. Or parts of it. Jake…he told me he thought you would approve.”

  “Then I’m sure I will.” His dad nodded. “Can it wait until after the services?”

  Although Bryant winced mentally, aware of his approaching deadlines and the need to catch as much rain as possible during the initial phases of the system set up, it didn’t feel right to discuss it now. “Yeah, of course. But I’ll warn you now, it’s going to be expensive.”

  “So you’ll tell me why we should spend a bunch of money on whatever it is you’re cooking up. Hopefully it’s at least as useful as that still Jake busted you and your cousins cobbling together when you were underage. I’m pretty sure he financed the addition to his house by selling moonshine from that thing. Claimed it was the best he’d ever had.”

  “That bastard.” Bryant laughed. On a ranch, water was more valuable than booze. “It’s even better, I promise.”

  Sam nodded. “I’m looking forward to hearing about it. It’ll be nice to have something to work on after...”

  Bryant should have known it would be as simple as that. His father trusted him implicitly. Then again, he didn’t have all the facts regarding Bryant’s poor judgment and the repercussions it could cause, like Jake had. As far as Bryant knew, Jake had never broken his confidence. Had never told his parents why that ranch hand had disappeared so fast, and why Bryant had been so quiet until he too could escape Compton Pass.

  Now that his self-imposed banishment was over, he had to come home for longer than a brief visit and deal with reacquainting himself with ranch life and all the restrictions that came with it by himself.