Craving the Cowboy

by Liz Isaacson

  Wish you were with me right now, he typed out. Before he could change his mind, he hit send.

  Why do I have to sit by you? Heather’s message buzzed in his hand, and Dwayne tilted the phone away from Levi, not that the other man was looking. No, he seemed to be scanning the chapel for someone.

  You’ll see, Dwayne thumbed out and sent before putting his phone away.

  “What are you hopin’ to get at the auction?” he asked Levi, at a complete loss for how to move the conversation to more personal things.

  “Huh?” Levi turned back to him as if he hadn’t realized Dwayne was still there. “Oh, I don’t know.”

  “You lookin’ for someone?” Dwayne asked when Levi turned and once again surveyed the chapel.

  “No.” Levi stared forward now, which caused Dwayne to chuckle. With only a few minutes until the service was set to begin, Heather arrived at the end of the pew. Dwayne met her eyes, but she didn’t look happy. She stared at him and then Levi, who didn’t even seem to notice she’d arrived.

  She rolled her eyes, exhaled heavily, and practically stomped down the aisle to where she normally sat with her teacher friends. She bent her head toward Darcy and whispered furiously.

  A sense of complete failure flowed through Dwayne, coupled with helplessness. Levi really didn’t even act like he knew Heather existed. And who had he been looking for earlier? Dwayne’s mind stewed and swirled, getting no closer to any answers.

  Pastor Gifford got up and said, “Good morning, brothers and sisters,” just as someone touched Dwayne’s shoulder. He glanced up to see Felicity standing there. He leapt to his feet, forgetting where he was, and said, “Felicity.”

  She stood with another woman and a little boy. They looked vaguely familiar to Dwayne, and he’d seen them around a church functions in the past. His heart raced, and a dozen questions ran through his mind.

  Felicity flashed a fast smile as Levi said, “Shh.”

  “Is there room for us?” she whispered.

  “Yeah, of course.” Dwayne stepped over Levi, who slid against the wall. Felicity entered the pew first, followed by the blonde and her son.

  Dwayne put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, taking a deep breath of her pineapple and strawberry scent. He was glad she’d come, but his mind rotated around why he hadn’t been able to influence her to attend church when obviously someone could.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The service ended and ten minutes had passed, and Dwayne was almost frantic to leave the church. But he stood half a step behind Felicity, who still hadn’t introduced him to her friends.

  He’d picked up their names from Levi, who obviously knew them. Capri laughed at everything Levi said, and pieces tumbled into place in Dwayne’s mind. He’d been looking for her.

  Sourness coated his mouth and he couldn’t swallow it away. “Can we go?” he asked Felicity, but she only laughed at something Capri had said and squeezed his hand to get him to stay.

  Finally, a lull appeared in Capri and Levi’s conversation where Felicity could say, “Capri, this is Dwayne. The man I’ve been telling you about.”

  His eyebrows shot up, but he managed to lower them in record time. She shook Capri’s hand as Felicity said, “Dwayne, this is Capri. She’s my next-door neighbor. She and I have been planning the block party together.”

  “Oh, right,” he said. He couldn’t recall the name Capri, but surely Felicity had said it while she’d talked about the party.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Capri grinned at him in a knowing way.

  “All good,” Felicity said.

  Dwayne didn’t know what to say. Finally, he came up with, “I’m lookin’ forward to the block party.”

  That got Levi talking again, and Dwayne looked at the boy. “What’s your name?” he asked.

  “Jonah.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Eight.”

  “So second grade.” Dwayne started moving toward the door, and Felicity released his fingers, let him go. Disappointment cut through him, but he couldn’t stay in the chapel any longer. Jonah came with him without a word from his mother.

  “So you’re in second grade,” Dwayne said. “My sister teaches third grade. Maybe you’ll get her.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Miss Carver.”

  “She does the pizza box ovens,” Jonah said. “I hope I get her.”

  Dwayne chuckled, though he saw his sister’s dark blonde head of hair as she left the church and the laughter died in his throat. “She is a pretty amazing teacher.” And a kind person, a good friend. Why didn’t Levi notice her?

  “So Felicity says you have horses.”

  “Sure do. She has a couple too.”

  “Mom takes me riding at Levi’s on the weekends.” Jonah seemed real proud of himself, and Dwayne reached over and tousled his hair as they moved outside.

  “Oh, yeah? Do you like it?”

  “Yeah, sure. Mom says I can be a cowboy when I grow up.”

  Dwayne let the breeze brush his face as he gazed down Elberta Street. The church sat on the corner, with yards and yards of green grass. Homes lined the other side, and everything seemed peaceful.

  He’d always loved Grape Seed Falls. Loved riding his bike into town from the ranch and buying candy at the store, or getting a German sausage from the most popular tourist attraction in town. He’d always known he’d inherit and work the family ranch, and he’d always hoped to have a wife and family of his own to support him as he did.

  He hadn’t realized how boring his life would be. How ordinary. How mundane.

  “The life of a cowboy isn’t all that amazing,” he said, unsure of where the words had come from. “The hats are great, though.” He smiled down at the boy, hoping not to crush his dreams because of a personal revelation about his own cowboy life.

  Felicity had spiced up his life, certainly. But a new worry stole through his heart: What if she needed more than the life he could give her?

  Branding, plowing, planting, and mending wasn’t exciting. He worked hard for a lot of hours. While he made a decent living, there wasn’t any pomp or grandeur to what he did.

  “My birthday is coming up soon,” Jonah said. “Mom said she’s gonna get me a cowboy hat.”

  “That’s great,” Dwayne said, reminding himself that he’d only met Felicity three weeks ago. He didn’t need to be thinking so long-term already. Besides, she’d given no indication that a ranch life wasn’t for her.

  “I hope she remembers,” Jonah said.

  “Does she forget stuff a lot?” Dwayne asked, pausing in the shade of an old oak tree.

  “Sometimes.” He toed the sidewalk, his eyes trained on a dark stain on the ground. “She works a lot and forgets things sometimes.”

  “What does she do?”

  “She’s a mechanic.”

  Surprise moved through Dwayne, and he glanced back at the church, almost willing Felicity to come through the door so they could go. He’d run out of things to talk about with Jonah, and the silence thickened between them.

  Finally, Felicity, Capri, and Levi exited, all of them laughing and smiling like they’d just attended a comedy show and not a lecture on being kind to everyone.

  “So Capri and Levi want to come to Honey’s Hickory with us,” Felicity announced when they caught up to Dwayne and Jonah under the tree.

  “They do?” Dwayne glanced at Levi, who stood too close to Capri to be casual. He narrowed his eyes at the other cowboy, feeling slighted on behalf of Heather for reasons he couldn’t name. He’d never cared who Levi went out with before, and he couldn’t figure out how he felt.

  “That’s okay, isn’t it?” Felicity asked, her smile slipping from her face.

  His brain felt stuffed full and too slow, the way it had for months and years after his injury. He needed more time to process. Less eyes looking at him while he did. He couldn’t think of a reason why he didn’t want Capri and Levi to come with them to
Honey’s, other than that he just wanted to be alone with Felicity.

  “Yeah, that’s okay,” he said, though it wasn’t. He wished he knew why it wasn’t, why he felt like he was being disloyal to his sister, why Felicity could come to church when Capri asked and not when he did.

  Felicity sensed something was off-kilter in Dwayne. He’d shown signs of restlessness in the chapel after the service, and then he’d left with Jonah. She supposed she should’ve answered his text before showing up in the chapel. Or let him know she was coming that morning and asked him to save her a seat.

  He’d definitely been surprised to see her at church, and she’d seen a flicker of emotion enter his expression. What emotion, she hadn’t been able to name—and she’d tried during the hour-long sermon.

  She wanted to feel something at church. Feel loved. Feel like God knew she was there, that she was trying.

  She’d felt nothing but the weight of Dwayne’s arm around her shoulders.

  “What’s wrong?” she finally asked as they left Grape Seed Falls in the rear-view mirror.

  “Nothing,” he said. But he kept both hands on the steering wheel when he normally threaded his trembling fingers through hers.

  “You’re gripping the steering wheel like you’re trying to crush it.”

  His fingers relaxed. “I’m—Capri seems nice.”

  Felicity brightened. “She’s great. My first friend in Grape Seed Falls.”

  “I’m not your friend?” His glance was filled with flirt, and she giggled before reaching for his hand and prying it from the wheel.

  “My first girlfriend, who someone who doesn’t wear a cowboy hat and boots to work.”

  “Levi likes her.” His voice grated through his throat.

  She frowned and tried to find the meaning in those three words. “I suppose so,” she said. “They were flirting a little.”

  “A lot,” Dwayne said.

  “Do you like her?” Felicity asked.

  “Of course not. I didn’t even know her name.”

  “Why are you upset about them flirting then?”

  He sighed, and Felicity knew she’d found the cause of his negative vibes. Relief poured through her that it was an outside issue, something she didn’t need to analyze and fix inside herself.

  “My sister…likes Levi.” He turned toward her, ignoring the road completely. “You can’t tell anyone. Heather would kill me.”

  “Your sister likes Levi.” The words felt like lead in her gut. “I didn’t know, Dwayne. I swear.”

  “She’s been going out to his stable to ride on Fridays.” He waved his hand as if performing a magic spell. “To…see him, I guess. Get him to notice her. Or something.”

  Nerves danced in Felicity’s stomach. “Capri’s been taking Jonah to ride on Fridays too.” And now Felicity knew why. She couldn’t help a quick laugh. “Do you think Levi knows of his effect on women?”

  Dwayne shook his head. “The guy’s clueless.”

  “Well, most men are,” Felicity said.

  “Hey,” Dwayne protested.

  “I’m just saying—before Heather told you, did you know why she went riding on Fridays?”

  “No.”

  “And you still don’t even really know why she does it.”

  “I do. She—”

  “You just said ‘to get him to notice her. Or something.’” She mimicked his hand-flapping. “Sometimes a person will go to great lengths to get noticed.”

  He cut a glance at her. “Are we still talkin’ about Heather and Levi?”

  Felicity wasn’t really sure. If she wanted him to be her boyfriend—and maybe something more—she’d have to tell him everything eventually. She gazed out the passenger window, her hand still in his but her thoughts far away.

  “Just my mother again.” She pushed the memories, the hurt, away.

  His hand tightened on hers, further grounding her. “Well, she’s not a man.”

  A burst of laughter exploded from her mouth. “I guess you’re right.” She snuggled into his arm, inhaling the scent of the laundry detergent caught in his shirt. “I guess women can be as dense of men.”

  “I reckon so.” He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “Like how you came to church with Capri when I’ve asked every week for a month.”

  Felicity’s heart froze. Her lungs, too. “I—” But she had no explanation. She hadn’t even realized what she’d done. The emotion she’d seen flicker across his face made sense now. So did the white-knuckle driving. It had been about her, and something she needed to fix.

  “I—I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Dwayne.”

  “Did you like church?”

  “Not especially.” She hated how the words sounded coming out of her mouth, but they were true.

  “It was an interesting topic.”

  Felicity had barely heard a word of the sermon, and she didn’t want to admit that. She’d been thinking about Dwayne during church, and she held that close to the vest too.

  “I suppose so.”

  “Maybe you’ll just need to keep coming until you hear something you like.”

  “Maybe.” Her tone clearly suggested her non-committal attitude, and thankfully, Dwayne reached over and turned up the volume on the radio.

  “I love this song,” he said about the country song playing through the speakers. Felicity listened to his beautiful voice sing along to the lyrics, more peace flowing through her now than she’d felt in the chapel.

  Her throat narrowed. She wasn’t sure why God had shut her out, but as Dwayne crossed over the city limits of Cypress, where Honey’s Hickory waited, she had the distinct impression that she was the one holding the door between her and the Lord closed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Felicity got out of Dwayne’s truck like she had for the past month. The blue sky was the same, with the addition of a handful of puffy, white clouds. The line in front of Honey’s was the same.

  The scent of smoked brisket hit her in the gut like a swift kick. Her memory flooded with moments she’d spent with her father while he prepared the brisket, got the hickory chips prepared, and sliced the finished product. All she could think was, He’s gone. I’ll never taste his brisket again. He’s gone.

  Gone.

  Gone.

  Her head hurt, and she couldn’t take a breath. Dwayne said something, but she couldn’t decipher the words. Tears pricked her eyes and flowed down her face without her permission, suddenly just there. So many of them.

  She was aware of him moving her away from the crowd, not toward it, but she honestly didn’t know how she was walking.

  Grief rolled over her, again and again, and Dwayne finally wrapped her in his arms and held on tight. She fisted her fingers in his shirt and cried until she was spent. She couldn’t understand what had just happened. How was she supposed to explain it to him?

  Every cell in her body felt like it was about to combust, and her head felt so hot, so hot. Combined with the sun and Dwayne’s body heat, she was sticky and sweaty in all the wrong places.

  Almost as if by magic, her throat cleared and she drew in a deep breath. What had been crazed before calmed. Felicity stepped out of Dwayne’s embrace and tried to put herself back together, at least physically.

  He said nothing, but he didn’t look away from her, not even for a moment. He liked his unwavering attention and hated it at the same time.

  “Sorry,” she muttered, wondering if today would be filled with apologies.

  “I don’t much feel like barbeque today,” he said, finally breaking his gaze away from her and focusing on the sky. “Want to try something else?”

  She nodded and wiped her hands down her face, finding black makeup on her fingers. “I just need—”

  “Restroom right behind you.” He nodded, and she escaped, wondering when she’d started to rely on him so much. Wondering when she’d started falling in love with him.

  Felicity looked at herself in the bathroom mirror and found
a freak staring back. Her chin trembled, but she pulled the emotion back. She’d cried twice in front of him now, and she considered it a miracle that he was still around.

  Fear struck her right in the breastbone. Maybe he’d be gone when she emerged from the restroom.

  Don’t be ridiculous, she told herself. After all, she was the one who ran away when things got hard. Wasn’t that what her mother had accused her of?

  You can’t just run away to the cabin because you don’t want to celebrate Christmas with us.

  But it wasn’t about celebrating Christmas with her mother and brothers. It was about celebrating Christmas without her father.

  Fine. Just go. Run away to some other ranch.

  Her mother’s final words to her screamed through her mind, her soul. She hadn’t run away to Grape Seed Ranch. She had plans to return to Marysville and the family ranch for Labor Day. Gordon and Parker knew she was coming. They’d promised to take her to the Fall Festival, make homemade ice cream, and go riding through the hills they’d all grown up exploring.

  Just thinking about her brothers made her smile, and that erased some of the agony from her features. She turned on the cold water and washed her hands, running them down her face while they were still wet.

  Help me, she prayed. She wanted to finish the sentence, tell God exactly what she needed, but she found she couldn’t.

  Help me about summed it all up.

  Dwayne recognized a panic attack when he saw one. First, he’d experienced more of them than he wanted to admit. Second, Felicity wore her emotions so close to the surface that he’d practically seen it coming from the moment they’d left Grape Seed Falls behind.

  He paced outside the restrooms, wondering if she’d somehow come out and he hadn’t seen her. She’d been inside for a while now, and while his stomach cramped from hunger, it was really angry at him for not knowing how to help her when she so clearly needed it.

  All of his petitions to the Lord on the subject had gone unanswered, and in the end Dwayne had to depend on himself. He’d gotten her away from the restaurant, the prying eyes. He’d held her close and tight, as when he’d experienced his anxiety attacks, having somewhere contained had provided him with the safety and security he lacked.