Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  Sighing, I sipped my black coffee. At least for now, I didn’t have to tango with Mack. “Is there something bothering you?”

  She set down the spoon then picked up a set of tongs and turned the bacon over. “I can’t get past Mack beating Kody into a coma. Mack isn’t the right guy for you, Jess. I’m worried about you too. I know we agreed not to talk about your DNA test, but I want to now.”

  A warm breeze blew through the screen door.

  “I’m not sure what to tell you. I have my appointment with a genetic counselor in Boston tomorrow to discuss the risks whether I have the surgery or not. It would be nice if I could talk to someone who has been in my position and has gone through with the surgery. Online videos are great, but to have someone I can actually talk to who has been in my shoes would be even better.”

  Roxanne placed bacon on a paper towel that covered a plate. “It’s funny. As nurses, we help patients who have a multitude of medical conditions. Even you’ve worked with women who have had breast cancer aside from your mom, and yet we’ve never known anyone with a mutated BRCA gene.”

  “I would imagine if we worked at the Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, we would.”

  “Do you want me to come with you tomorrow?” Roxanne asked. “I can call in and see if someone can cover my shift at the hospital.”

  I stole a piece of bacon. “I would love for you to come.”

  Her face brightened as she poured batter onto a griddle. “So let’s talk about that kiss of yours with Kody.”

  “You realize I can’t start anything with Kody. I can’t subject anyone to my life right now.”

  Pity washed over her face. “Don’t even, Jess. Any guy who fell in love with you would be by your side through anything.”

  “Do you think Mack would?” I knew her answer, but I wanted to hear what she had to say, anyway.

  Anger replaced pity. “Okay, I retract my statement. Most guys. Mack doesn’t strike me as the type of guy who would be by any girl’s side in a tough time.”

  Whether he would or not, Mack wasn’t the guy for me.

  As Roxanne finished making the stack of pancakes, I got my ass off the stool and set the table. The dizziness had waned with the help of caffeine. I would feel much better once I ate.

  I folded napkins. “I would call Kody to let him know we weren’t coming, but I don’t have his number.” It was probably best I didn’t have it. Otherwise, he might have convinced me to come to the cookout.

  “It’s not Kody you need to worry about,” she said. “His niece was excited for you to go.”

  I’d forgotten about Raven. She was the sole reason Roxanne and I had been invited, and Raven would be disappointed for sure. I had to find a way to make it up to her.

  Chapter 8

  Kody

  My family and I were gathered down by the lake behind my parents’ house. The rays of sunlight filtered through the trees surrounding the water as the sun began to slide over the treetops. Since I could remember, family gatherings had always been fun. When we’d lived in Texas, we spent quite a few Sundays on a boat Dad had owned. We would cruise the Gulf of Mexico for hours, stopping to swim, eat, and fish. But living on a lake was vastly different than the ocean. So Dad had sold the thirty-foot boat before we moved to Massachusetts.

  Across the picnic table from me, Kelton twirled his Boston Red Sox ball cap around on his head so the bill was facing behind him. “Your turn.”

  I studied the cards in my hand before glancing at Kelton. Then I looked at Jake, who was engrossed in his cards as though he were playing in a high-stakes poker tournament.

  While the three of us were drinking beer and playing a friendly game of poker, Mom and Dad were lounging down by the shore, watching Kross, Ruby, and Raven zip around the lake in the small motorized boat Dad had purchased last month. We were missing Kade, Lacey, and Kelton’s girl, Lizzie. Kade had gone to Maine for the weekend to see Lacey. Lizzie had gotten a last-minute call to go into work. Apparently, someone where Lizzie worked had called in sick.

  I discarded the two of hearts and three of diamonds. “Mom seems much better.”

  Kelton wiped a hand on his wrinkled Harvard T-shirt. “Has she been getting out to walk at all?”

  “She only got home two days ago. She will.” The doctor had given her strict orders to relax and, when she was ready, to start walking short distances.

  So Kelton and I had taken over cooking burgers. Ruby had been in charge of making the potato salad and baked beans, and Kross’s role had been to keep Raven occupied. Since Jake was our guest, he’d hung out with Kross and Raven. Mom had protested profusely, itching to do all the cooking and prepping. So Dad had taken her for a walk around the lake while we prepared lunch.

  The only other person missing was Jessie. Raven had been talking nonstop about Jessie. She was excited for her parents to meet the woman who had my insides twisted in a hundred directions. But two hours after lunch, Jessie was still a no-show. I swung my head in the direction of the garage, something I’d been doing every hour since I’d come down to the lake. I should’ve reminded her about the cookout before I’d stalked out of the bathroom as though a toilet had blown up. The only thing that had been on my mind was taking Jessie right there on the bathroom sink. If a lady hadn’t wanted to use the facilities, I probably would’ve pushed Jessie’s miniskirt up to her waist while I drove myself into her.

  That scenario wouldn’t have been good. I didn’t make a play for a girl who might be dating someone, and my enemy, no less. Regardless, Jessie’s taste was pure cane sugar, so fucking sweet that my dick had been as hard as a diamond. All night, I’d replayed our kiss, soft and tender, until I’d taken control and run my hands through her silky strands while I devoured her mouth.

  Kelton banged on the table. “Why are you bending the cards? What’s bothering you?”

  Jake dumped three cards into the pile. “Jessie is bothering him.” Jake was one perceptive motherfucker. Although it wasn’t hard to discern my mood after my encounter with Mack Donovan at the club or when Jake had found me adjusting my dick on the way to Mr. Robinson’s office the night before.

  Plus, Raven had made sure everyone knew about Jessie during lunch. Even my mom had asked if I’d spoken to her or seen her again. I’d shared with Mom that Jessie had shown up at The Cave the night before, but I didn’t exactly have a chance to get to know her. That wasn’t a total lie. I knew how she tasted. I knew that she felt perfect against me. I also knew that Jessie scared me, and not because she was dating Mack Donovan. She scared me because I could fall for the pretty lady in a matter of minutes if I let myself, and that was a no-no on all fronts.

  “Raven seems to be quite taken with Jessie. I would like to meet this girl,” Kelton said, planting one of his cocksure grins on his face.

  Jake let out a low whistle. “Hot doesn’t even begin to describe her. By the way, Kody, did you tell Kelton about that dude you punched last night?”

  I’d explained to Jake and Mr. Robinson what Donovan had done to me as a teenager, and even though Mr. Robinson had been sympathetic when he’d heard the story, that hadn’t taken away his ire over me starting the fight. He’d given me a warning. “If you do anything like that again, I’ll throw you out as well.”

  As long as Donovan didn’t step foot in The Cave again, I should be cool.

  Kelton’s blue eyes widened. “So you didn’t cut your lip by accidentally chomping on it like you told Mom?”

  Peeking at my parents, I ran my tongue over the cut. They didn’t need to know that my busted lip was from one of the guys who was responsible for beating me into a coma. “Shh. She doesn’t need to know the true reason.” I debated whether to tell Kelton. We weren’t fifteen anymore, which meant that Kelton wouldn’t jump up off the table and go bust Donovan’s head in. Or maybe at twenty-one, he would. Regardless, as brothers we didn’t keep things from each other. “Remember Mack Donovan?”

  In a flash, Kelton narrowed his blue eyes. “Fuck.
He was the guy you fought last night?”

  I checked on my parents again. About forty feet or so separated them from us, and they were engrossed in talking and laughing and waving at Raven. Still, voices carried. “Keep it down.”

  Kelton removed his ball cap, ran a hand through his thick black hair, and covered his head again. “Tell me what happened in detail.”

  The thought of how Donovan had grabbed Jessie made me bend the cards into oblivion. But the memory of that asshole kicking me in the gut over and over again while Stockman beat my head and Sullivan rammed his foot into my back was enough to make me bite down hard enough on my lip to draw blood.

  “Dude, chill,” Jake said.

  I clenched my teeth. “Kross and I should’ve beaten the life out of Donovan and Stockman when we had the chance.” Kross and I had put Greg Sullivan in a coma for what he and his friends had done to me. I’d always wanted revenge on the other assholes in Sullivan’s circle, but then our dad had sent Kross, Kelton, and me to boarding school during tenth grade. When we returned to attend Kensington High the following year, Donovan and Stockman hadn’t been part of Sullivan’s crew anymore, and I hadn’t bothered to find out why. We didn’t want a repeat of what had happened. Not to mention, my brothers and I were back home, and we hadn’t wanted to do anything to force our dad to ship us off again to Greenridge Academy.

  Silence ticked by as a light wind rustled the cards, taking one with it. Jake hopped up to chase it.

  Kelton leaned in, propping his elbows on the table. “Don’t go down that road, bro. Mom wouldn’t survive with you in a coma.”

  Mom had been in a mental health facility when I’d been in the coma, and Dad hadn’t shared that particular incident with her then. Now that she was home and healing, he could’ve shared some of our schoolboy fights with her. Nevertheless, Kelton was right about Mom. She would definitely relapse if something happened to any of us boys. My problem was that revenge tasted too good.

  Kelton rapped his knuckles on the table. “Kody, man, I’m worried about you.”

  Jake had ventured down to the lake’s shore, where he was talking to my parents.

  “You shouldn’t. I don’t plan on doing anything stupid.” I just had to stay away from Jessie since she knew Donovan. Maybe her not showing up at the cookout was a good thing, although I hated that she’d disappointed Raven.

  Kelton let out a low chuckle. “Right. I know you, bro. You get this faraway look in your eyes when you’re telling us what we want to hear.”

  Hooray for brothers. I sighed heavily. “I’m having a bad week.”

  “You’re bummed about that Jessie girl not showing up,” Kelton said. “Don’t deny it. You keep looking toward the house any chance you get.”

  “Jessie and I would never work. She’s tight with Donovan.”

  “Tight as in dating?”

  “I don’t know.” She’d said she didn’t belong to anyone, but the way Donovan had been manhandling her, I wasn’t so sure. “Jessie doesn’t matter. I just met her, and I’m not ready for anything serious. Ms. Sharp and I have a great deal going.” No strings. Nothing serious. All sex.

  Kelton rubbed his unshaven jaw. “Kody, when are you going to get past that not all people you love will die?”

  I laughed as I shook my head. “Says the guy who refused to do love because he didn’t want to get hurt.”

  “That’s different, man. I didn’t believe the girl I fell for would die.”

  My muscles tensed. “It’s the same. You got your heart broken by Lizzie when she moved away. I got my heart broken when Mandy died. Your way of dealing with heartbreak was to screw every girl you could. My way is to pour my soul into music. Let’s face it. You got the chance to reconnect with Lizzie. I will never get that chance with Mandy.”

  “Don’t you want love?” Kelton asked.

  “When I’m ready. Look, man, I didn’t push you. So back off.”

  He raised his hands. “I love you, bro. I just want what’s best for you.”

  Jessie wasn’t the right woman for me. Sure, I was stuck on that kiss between us, but I’d hated seeing the pity in her big brown eyes. I wasn’t looking for a girl who felt sorry for me. Again, one more reason she and I wouldn’t work. Man, the list on why we wouldn’t be good together was growing a mile long. But Ms. Sharp was good for me. I could get into a long night of nothing but raw sex with no emotions or tingly feelings. I checked my watch. She was supposed to call on her way back from the Cape.

  I pushed to my feet. “Come on, let’s swim out to the boat. I’ll race you.” It was time to wash away the conversation and any thoughts of a girl with blond-, red-, and brown-streaked hair.

  We tore off our T-shirts and hats as we ran down to the water. As brothers, we were competitive and had been since we could remember. We would have contests out in front of our house in Texas on who could run the fastest. Kelton had always won, but I was the better swimmer in the family. Yet that didn’t stop Kelton’s competitive side. We blew past Jake, who was relaxing on a blanket next to Mom and Dad. Once in the water, I dove and swam as though I were swimming in the Olympic games, ignoring the stinging cold that slowly waned as I put all my energy into racing Kelton.

  Kelton kept up with me. “You’re not beating me today, bro.”

  “Watch me.”

  The distance from the shore to the boat was about fifty meters.

  Kross was cheering us on. I checked on Kelton and saw he was slightly behind. So I pumped my arms hard through the water and glanced at Kross every now and then until I reached the boat.

  “Ha. You can’t beat me,” I shouted as Kelton swam up, out of breath.

  Then he dove at me, and we wrestled in the water as Raven giggled. After Kelton’s ego dwindled, we laughed.

  “Poor sport, Kel.” I feigned a pout.

  He turned away from Raven, scratching the side of his head with his middle finger.

  I treaded water. “Kross, do you want to race me back?”

  Ruby flicked her blue-green eyes at her husband with a look that said, “don’t leave me in the boat alone.”

  Raven clapped. “Daddy will beat you, Uncle Kody.”

  Kross could probably beat me. He was in great fighting shape since he’d been boxing steadily over the last year. He’d won all of his matches but one.

  “Another time,” Kross said. “It’s time to take Raven in.”

  “No,” Raven protested.

  “Sorry, bumblebee,” Kross said. “We’ll take the boat out again next weekend. We need to get home, anyway.”

  Raven whined. “But I wanted to see Jessie.”

  I ducked underwater for a second, almost letting out a scream. The pout on Raven’s face hit me hard in the chest. “Raven, I’m sure Jessie had a valid reason. She probably had to work. Remember she helps sick people.”

  “Maybe she had to help a patient like Nana,” Raven said, losing the frown.

  Whatever Jessie’s reasons were for not showing up, she should’ve at least given my mom a call. After all, she had my mom’s address and phone number.

  My arms were growing tired. “I’ll race you in, Kel.”

  Kelton dove underwater.

  I laughed at how badly Kelton wanted to beat me. He was a body length ahead of me when I started swimming. Quickly, I caught up to him. I could hear my mom laughing and cheering on Kelton. Jake and Dad were pulling for me. Just as I was about to pass him, Kelton kicked his arms into gear, pushed ahead, and didn’t let up until he reached the shore. Once he was upright, he stuck out his tongue then bent over to catch his breath.

  All I could do was chuckle. I was competitive. I wanted to win. But I wasn’t torn up that he’d won that leg of the race.

  After I dried off, I went into my apartment and changed out of my swim trunks. Once I was in dry clothes, I came out just in time to say goodbye to Kross, Ruby, and Raven. Then Mom and Dad headed up to the house while Kelton, Jake, and I packed up the food and coolers.

  Jake folded
a blanket. “So, did you tell Kelton everything, including how Jessie threw her body at you?”

  Kelton choked.

  I threw Jake the finger. “Last time I tell you anything.”

  Jake lifted a shoulder. “What? He’s your brother. You said you tell them everything.”

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell Kelton about my kiss with Jessie. I was trying to get the woman out of my head. My intent when I’d walked into the bathroom was to make sure she was okay but also to ask her if she would be interested in working with me on a song. Her voice was out-of-this-world amazing. But the more I thought about being around her, even if it were in a professional capacity, the more I knew I would be a mess.

  You are a mess. You want the woman. But you don’t want to take a chance that your feelings would get in the way. You’re afraid of what could happen. She rides motorcycles, which tells you she’s a daredevil. Above all else, she’s in bed with your enemy.

  I laughed.

  Jake and Kelton tilted their heads.

  “Jessie is all wrong for me. Just all wrong.”

  Even so, if I wanted to try something different with my music career, then I had to put aside my hang-ups about her and see if she would entertain my offer to record one of my songs. At the very least, I had to find out why she would disappoint a little girl.

  Chapter 9

  Jessie

  The car ride back from Boston was quiet. Roxanne was behind the wheel, while I mainly stared out at the passing landscape, contemplating everything the genetic counselor had said, which I already knew. But hearing it come out of the mouth of an expert was more jarring than reading the statistics on the Internet, not to mention everything else I had to take into account. Since I didn’t have breast cancer, my insurance company wouldn’t foot the bill for the bilateral mastectomy or the implants. So I had to consider the high cost of over twenty thousand dollars, which I didn’t have. But as the kind genetic counselor had said, I could always have a mammogram every year and monitor my progress with a fine-tooth comb. Checking my breasts on a yearly basis was certainly a viable option. But I knew me. Every day would be a nail-biting day until I checked myself. I was at odds with the statistics. Sixty-five percent of women who inherited the harmful BRCA1 gene would develop breast cancer by the age of seventy.