Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

He threaded his fingers in mine. “I already told you that you could have a sex-change operation and you would still be as beautiful as ever.”

  “The Maxwells love hard, don’t you? I see how your father dotes on your mom and vice versa.”

  “If you haven’t noticed, family is everything to us, Jess.”

  Laying my head down on the pillow, I nuzzled into him as tears stung my eyes. I missed my parents. Sure, I had Lowell, but our parents had been in love just like Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell. We’d been a tight-knit family, and I wanted that in my life again.

  “I have my mammogram tomorrow.”

  Kody wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him if that was possible. “Do you want me to come with?”

  A tear slipped out. This man was out of this world. I didn’t know how I’d gotten so lucky to meet him. I seriously had to do something special for Raven. The little girl had no idea how she’d changed my life.

  “It’s just routine for them to get a baseline. I’m good. I’ll see you afterward at The Cave.”

  Silence floated around us until he rolled me over. Then mammograms and surgery became a distant memory for that moment.

  Chapter 24

  Jessie

  I sat in the imaging center, watching an episode of HGTV’s House Hunters. Well, my eyes were on the screen, but I wasn’t listening. Instead, I was reminiscing about how drastically my life had changed in the last month. Between finding out that I had a mutated BRCA1 gene and falling in love with Kody and everything in between, my head was spinning.

  I had a couple of outstanding items to take care of. At the top of my agenda was to tell Lowell about my mutated BRCA1 gene, which I would do that night since my mammogram would be out of the way. I was still hesitant to tell him. I didn’t want him to end up in the hospital again like he had a couple of weeks ago. But it was time.

  I also had a meeting with Mr. Robinson that afternoon. I was praying that the details of the contract would be a financial benefit for Lowell and me. If so, then Lowell wouldn’t have to lose sleep over our pile of debt, and neither would I.

  The middle-aged lady across from me flipped through a magazine.

  I went to check the time on my phone, when shoes clicked along the floor. I turned to find Roxanne hurrying over.

  She dropped into the empty wooden chair next to me. “I’m sorry I’m late.” She removed her hospital badge and dumped it in her purse.

  “I told you that you didn’t have to come. The test is just routine. It’s not like they’re going to find anything.”

  She pursed her lips. “Pfft. I know you. Baseline or not, you’re freaking out. I want to be here for you.”

  I reached over and squeezed her hand. Maybe I was nervous. On the surface, I hadn’t felt anything out of the ordinary when I’d examined myself that morning. But stranger things had happened. “Thank you.” She was such a great friend. “I’m freaking out more about Kody and me.” I hadn’t had time to tell her about my rendezvous with Kody in the tent the day before since she had been working all day.

  She raised a thin brown eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

  My cheeks heated. “He loves me. He told me last night.”

  “Shut the front door. Seriously? Wait. Why are you freaking out? You love him too. Right?”

  “Yes. Very much. He knows that too. I guess the last month has been a whirlwind, and I’m excited and scared at the same time. Kody thinks I should have the surgery. Yet in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that he’ll run.”

  “That man will not run.”

  A large part of me agreed with her. I couldn’t help but replay the conversation I’d had with Linda Harold and how her boyfriend had left her. I knew it was crazy to think that way since Kody had never given me any indication he would run. Nevertheless, I couldn’t let him or anyone influence my decision. Not only that, I had to believe that if he did truly love me, he would stick by me no matter what.

  “Enough about me. Have you connected with Hunt?” After they’d talked most of the night at Rumors, they had agreed to chat by phone. With my busy schedule and Roxanne’s, we hadn’t spoken much.

  “He’s taking me to dinner when he gets back from his business trip in a couple of weeks,” she said with so much giddiness in her voice.

  I squealed as quietly as I could, when a lady in pink scrub pants and a pink-and-blue-flowered top came out of a door across from me. “Jessie Ryan.” She glanced at the middle-aged lady then over to Roxanne and me.

  I raised my hand as I stood. Roxanne came with me, and we followed the nurse into a quaint area with lockers on one wall.

  She gestured to the changing rooms. “Gown is on the bench. Everything above the waist comes off. You can lock up your belongings in the lockers. Then have a seat in the waiting area around the corner.” Then she disappeared.

  “I’ll find us a seat,” Roxanne said.

  As I closed the door to undress, my phone buzzed. I glanced at the text from Kody. Did you have the exam? Is everything good?

  Just going in. See you at the Cave at five, I texted back.

  He sent several heart emojis with the words “love you.”

  My heart soared. It was too surreal that I was in love. I hadn’t been in love since my first crush in junior high. Since then, I’d never found that special someone. I had never had time. Lowell had gotten into his accident. Then my mom had found out she had breast cancer. In between all that, I was in nursing school.

  I tapped out, Love you too.

  Maybe he should’ve come with me. Kody being there would’ve erased any lingering doubts I had about him running. More importantly, having him hold my hand like Roxanne would’ve eased my nerves even more.

  I slipped my phone into my purse and changed. Once my clothes and belongings were locked up, I made my way over to Roxanne. The waiting area had a warm atmosphere with the soft glow of a table lamp and classical music spilling out of overhead speakers.

  Roxanne was thumbing through the pages of a People Magazine.

  I’d barely sat down, when a lady called my name. Roxanne squeezed my hand before I followed the Latina radiologist into a cold and sterile room.

  She waved her hand to a chair beside a desk. “I’m Luna. I’m going to ask you a few questions. Then we’ll get started. Okay?”

  I eased down into the chair while she asked me to confirm my name and date of birth. After I did, she asked, “This is your first time?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene, and my doctor wants me to have the tests done for a baseline.”

  She nodded her dark shiny hair. “Let’s get started. I’ll have you stand facing the machine here.” She went over to the large x-ray machine. “Slip the gown off your right shoulder.”

  My mom had told me mammograms were sometimes uncomfortable. I did as Luna instructed. When she mashed one of my breasts in between the pads of the machine, I winced. Mom had been right. The sensation was weird and definitely uncomfortable.

  “Hold your breath and stay still,” Luna said from behind me. After a couple of clicking sounds, the machine moved, unhinging my breast. Not as painful as I’d imagined.

  After she took x-rays from several angles, she switched to my other breast and did the same. The process didn’t take but fifteen minutes at most.

  Tying my gown, I asked, “Does everything look okay?”

  She fiddled with her computer screen. “The doctor will look over the films. Have a seat back in the waiting area.”

  I knew she couldn’t tell me. It was against policy for any technician to disclose the results. But I figured I would ask.

  Roxanne looked up when I walked out. “Well, is it painful like we hear from our older lady colleagues at the hospital?”

  I cinched my gown at my cleavage. “Not really. She wants me to wait here. The doctor is looking over the x-rays.” Standard protocol, and even though the imaging center had a policy that all patients would leave knowing their test results, I could
n’t help but bite a nail.

  Roxanne closed her magazine. “I want to hear about your night with Kody.”

  “I should tell you first about Mack.”

  Her jaw stiffened. “Please tell me he and Kody did not tear each other’s throats out.”

  “Almost. But Mr. Maxwell was there when Mack and I showed up at the Maxwell house for Mack to get his Harley. Things got tense, and to make a long story short, Mr. Maxwell intervened. I’m not sure, though, if they worked out their differences.” I hadn’t asked Kody, mainly because I didn’t want to ruin our time together. On the other side, I hadn’t seen Mack to ask him if things were good between him and Kody, although Lowell had said to not push the issue. Mack and Kody had talked, but it wasn’t as though they would be friends. As long as they didn’t kill each other, then in my book, they’d made progress.

  I gnawed on another nail. “You and Hunt and dinner?”

  She blew out a dreamy sigh. “Two weeks is going to be a long time.”

  My heart warmed at how my best friend seemed so high on life. For so long, she and I had put all our time and effort into school and working. We’d rarely found the time to enjoy ourselves or made an effort to put ourselves out there.

  The handle of the door clicked, and Luna came out. “Jessie, can you come with me?” Her tone was even, giving me no indication of my test results.

  Roxanne and I swapped smiles even though I was silently praying for good news. You have nothing to worry about. You check your breasts in the mornings, and you haven’t found any lumps.

  I followed Luna back into the same room I’d been in for x-rays, repeating over and over again, No lumps. No lumps. No lumps.

  “The doctor would like to do a breast ultrasound. We found a suspicious area in your left breast.”

  I swayed on my feet as I started running my fingers over my breast. “But I check myself constantly.”

  Luna regarded me, her dark eyes holding no emotion. “You have dense breast tissue. So sometimes, it’s hard to tell what’s going on. The area in question is small. The ultrasound will give us better insight.”

  Tears stung my eyes. “My mom died of breast cancer. Please don’t find anything. I’m way too young.”

  She reached out and held the sides of my arms. “Breathe, hun.”

  Breathing wasn’t an option. I couldn’t go through what my mom went through. Lowell would have a heart attack. This couldn’t happen. I’d just found a man I loved. I was about to sign a record deal.

  I wanted to scream, run, and hide.

  “I’m going to alert Donna, who will be doing your ultrasound. I’ll be right back.”

  My heart rammed against my chest. “Can I have my friend with me?”

  She nodded. “I’ll get her for you.”

  I paced the room, wringing my hands together, thinking how to tell Lowell. My brother wouldn’t survive me dying of breast cancer like our mom.

  Roxanne ran into the room. “What’s wrong?” Her frightened look had to match mine.

  I swallowed hard as I shook my head and lifted my shoulder. “They want to do an ultrasound.”

  She threw her arms around me. “I’m here for you.”

  I hugged her back, wishing Kody was here to wrap his strong arms around me and make me feel safe. I thought to call him, but I had nothing to tell him. Besides, I didn’t want to put him on edge.

  Roxanne and I stood there, not saying anything in the cold exam room as my world was turning on its axis at breakneck speed. The mutated gene was one thing, but full-blown cancer was an entirely different path altogether. I would have to deal with chemo, losing my hair, and everything else that came with chemo. Then surgery. Then worrying if the cancer would return. My mom flashed before me, images after images of her withering away from years of fighting to stay alive.

  Roxanne eased away. “You haven’t told me a thing about last night with Kody.”

  I knew she was trying to take my mind off the situation, but the mention of Kody only made me cry harder. “If the tests prove nothing, I’m definitely having the surgery, and as quickly as I can. I’m not going to go through worrying constantly if they’ll find cancer or not.”

  Luna came in. “Follow me.”

  Roxanne and I held hands as we traipsed down the hall behind the petite radiologist until we were in a room with a bench, an ultrasound machine, and a sink.

  “Donna will be in shortly,” Luna said then left.

  Roxanne leaned against the sink, while I sat on the bench. The anticipation was all too consuming, causing me to bounce my knee and chomp on my nails.

  A tall woman walked in. “I’m Donna. I’ll be doing your ultrasound.” She skirted the bench until she was in front of the ultrasound machine on my right. “Can I have you lie on your back and open your gown?”

  Roxanne sidled up to me on my left and held my hand. Donna squirted gel on my left breast then went to work, moving the wand around the outer portion of my breast and snapping picture after picture. Like Luna, Donna had no expression on her face. I knew how to wear one of those expressions. I’d done it when the doctors had to give bad news to patients I took care of. It was hard not to cry with them.

  The only sounds in the room were the clicks from the machine and my pulse beating in my ears. Roxanne focused on the screen. She and I weren’t trained in reading x-rays or ultrasound results, but we’d been in nursing long enough to spot things on a film. I couldn’t see the screen, and my only indication that anything was wrong was Roxanne’s reaction. But her face was deadpan, and for that, I was relieved.

  When Donna was finished, she stood. “I’ll have the doctor check these. I’ll be right back.”

  After she left, I asked Roxanne, “Did you see anything?”

  She shook her head. “I couldn’t tell much from here. I’m not exactly an expert on reading the results, either.”

  We waited for what seemed like hours, but it was only five minutes before Donna returned.

  She smiled warmly. “The tiny area we had in question is a cyst that’s filled with fluid. Nothing to worry about. They can be common for some women right before your menstrual cycle.”

  Holy moly. Roxanne and I both let out a huge breath.

  “The results will be available to your doctor within the next forty-eight hours,” Donna said. “You’re free to go.”

  I lay there for a minute to collect myself, thanking the heavens above.

  Fifteen minutes later, Roxanne and I were out in the parking lot.

  Roxanne fished her keys out of her purse. “I’m so glad that everything came out fine. I was a little nervous in there.”

  I unstrapped my helmet from my motorcycle. “The understatement of the century.”

  “Do the results change your mind about your surgery?” she asked.

  “After what I went through for the brief time in there, no.” I felt as though I had a whole new lease on life, even if that meant I would have implants or that I might feel as though I’d lost a part of me. I couldn’t get up every day, thinking I would find a lump or find out that I had breast cancer. I had the opportunity to nip this in the bud, and I would do just that.

  Roxanne sighed. “It’s so good to hear you say that.”

  I didn’t know when I would have the surgery. Several factors had to happen before then. I had to find a good surgeon. Luckily, my genetic counselor had said she would recommend a couple that she knew. I had to make sure I could take out a small loan to cover the costs. Above all else, I had to tell Lowell.

  I checked the time on my phone. I had an hour before I had to meet with Kody and Mr. Robinson. I debated whether to call Kody and tell him the good news, but I needed to calm down a bit first. My mind was still fogged, and I knew one way to clear it. “I’m going to stop by my mom’s grave before I meet with Mr. Robinson.” I hadn’t been to see her in a couple of months, and I had this strong urge to talk to her, even if it was in spirit.

  “Wait, how come you’re not wearing your leather ri
ding gear?”

  Usually I did when I rode my motorcycle, but I wasn’t planning on flying down the road at top speeds like I normally did when I rode. “My house isn’t far from here. It’s all side streets.”

  The sun glinted off her keys as she stuck her hands on her hips. “Not if you’re going to the cemetery.”

  I hugged her. “I’m not going to open up at top speeds. I promise. I’ll tell you all about my night with the Maxwell god later.” I covered my head with my helmet, strapped my purse around my body, then straddled my bike.

  “You better.”

  I turned the key, and my bike roared to life. The sound was so sweet to my ears. Roxanne faded as I made my way out of the parking lot full of cars.

  I navigated through the streets of Ashford until I was on the outskirts of town. I braked at a stop sign, looking both ways then directly ahead of me. The road was open, wide, and devoid of cars. It was the perfect strip of road to kick my bike into high gear and feel the engine vibrate beneath me with the sun and wind on my face. I checked my side mirror. No cars behind me. I glanced down at my boots, contemplating whether to ride until I had to meet Mr. Robinson. But I didn’t have my leather gear on, I had promised Roxanne, and I really wanted to spend some time at my mom’s grave.

  So I turned left toward the cemetery, shifted into gear, and followed the speed limit of forty miles an hour. The scent of honeysuckle wafted in the air. Inhaling, I blinked, and as I opened my eyes, a car sped out of nowhere on my left. As my front tire hit the side of the car, my body went airborne. My heart slammed against my chest. The daylight faded until blackness consumed me.

  Chapter 25

  Kody

  The stage area of The Cave was dark as I strummed the guitar, working through a melody I’d had on my mind since Jessie left the night before. The woman brought out all kinds of feelings in me. My writer’s block had certainly lifted thanks to her.

  A light came on, spraying into the main club area from the hallway. Footsteps prodded before Mr. Robinson walked in. “Why are you in the dark?” He flipped a switch on the wall near the stage.