Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  I squinted at the blinding light. “It helps me think.”

  He carried his tall stature until he was standing in front of me. “Another song?”

  “Yeah. The words hit me last night.” This song was more about family and finding peace with my past.

  He carried a chair from a nearby table closer to the stage. “What triggered your creative gears?”

  Her name was Jessie Ryan, and even though I hadn’t been expecting to meet someone, I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful soul to fall in love with. “Jessie.”

  He leaned his elbows on his knees. “Most of the singers and bands I sign always tell me their songwriting was always sparked by a girl or a guy or a breakup. I’m glad you cut through the dead zone.”

  I checked my watch. Jessie should be there any minute. I couldn’t wait to see her and find out about her mammogram.

  Footsteps clobbered in the distance before Jake graced us with his presence. He stalked in looking relaxed, tanned, and showing white teeth. I hadn’t seen him for the last week. He’d been helping his old man put the finishing touches on the new home he was building in South Carolina.

  Decked out in shorts and flip-flops, he ponied up to the stage as his green gaze considered me. “What did I miss? You look different.”

  I set my guitar down beside my chair. “Too much.”

  A corner of his mouth lifted. “Did you snag that beautiful girl Jessie yet?”

  “She’s the reason why we’re all here,” Mr. Robinson said. “I’ll go into more detail when she arrives, but I’m going to offer Jessie a contract, and that contract will be extended to both of you as part of her band.” He regarded me. “I will drum up a separate contract for your songwriting. You three will make a great group. I’m sure you’ll have fans at your feet.”

  Jake pumped a fist in the air. “Hell yeah.”

  Jake had seen plenty of fans cooing and screaming and even stripping for his brother, JJ. He’d mentioned to me that he wanted to feel that high that his brother got every time his band, Zeal, went on stage.

  As for me, I didn’t care. I wasn’t looking for girls to bow down to me, or listen to them scream my name. My high all along was music—playing the guitar and writing songs. But I knew with Jessie in the lead, it would be a different kind of high for me, one I was eager to experience. I wanted to see the fans go nuts over her. I wanted to show her off. I might have to get physical with some fans, but I didn’t mind.

  Jake raked a hand through his messy blond hair. “Holy shit. I seriously thought you were going to ask me to manage her. Ha. Maybe now my brother will believe I can make it as a musician in this industry.”

  Mr. Robinson and I both chuckled.

  It was Mr. Robinson’s turn to check his watch. I did the same. Five minutes past five.

  Mr. Robinson unfolded his bulk. “I need to call Lacey. Give me a shout when Jessie gets here.” He retreated in the direction of his office.

  Jake stole Mr. Robinson’s seat. “Man, I’m blown away. Tell me what else I missed.”

  “I’m writing another song.”

  “Bravo, dude. No more writer’s block. It’s Jessie that got you out of your funk?”

  And into a world I’d never imagined. She’d given me a reason to love, to live, to feel happiness once again.

  I stared past Jake to an empty table as my heart beat a wild cadence just thinking of her. The way she batted her long lashes at me. The way her hair cascaded around us when she was on top of me. The way she molded to me when we made love. How she moaned and screamed my name. Above all else, listening to her sing had to be the best fucking high for me ever.

  Jake whistled. “Dude.”

  I adjusted in my seat, orienting my vision back to Jake. “What?”

  “I said I’m glad at least you’re not mourning Mandy.”

  I had no idea where that had come from. I would always mourn Mandy. “Dare to live, right?”

  “Fuck yeah, dude. Isn’t that your words in your song? So if you and Jessie are hot and heavy, what about that dude, Donovan?”

  I clucked my tongue. “Not sure yet about him.” I went on to explain the intervention Donovan and I had had with my dad the day before. I felt as though we’d had a breakthrough, at least on my part. As I sat on stage, I didn’t have any urges to fight him for what he’d done to me all those years ago. After he’d told me why he fucked me up and I heard the resolve in his voice, some of that fight had left me. Not to mention, he’d been sweet to my mom when he apologized to her. I had to give him a point for that. Yet he hadn’t apologized to me, but it didn’t matter. An apology wouldn’t erase how I felt or the pain he’d caused. I was the one that had to move forward as my dad had counseled. I’d stewed long enough over what Donovan, Stockman, and Sullivan had done to me.

  “Look, man, I’ve seen too much jealousy on the music circuit. Hell, JJ almost got arrested for wanting to fuck up a dude for breathing on his girl. She does love you and not him, right?”

  I nodded.

  “He’ll get the message, then. No guy wants to be told no over and over again.”

  I hoped Jake was right. I would hate to prolong our animosity only to hurt Jessie in the process. Despite everything, the road ahead was becoming clearer. Hell, the clarity was energizing. I had a woman who loved me. Mr. Robinson was about to make me an offer to work in the music industry, which was what I’d been working toward, my family was happy and healthy, and Mom was doing well.

  “What time is Jessie supposed to be here?” Jake asked.

  Blinking, I whipped out my phone. “Ten minutes ago.” I dialed her number. The line rang and rang until her voice mail picked up. “Hey, baby doll. We’re waiting on you. Text me or call me to let me know how close you are.”

  Jake grinned. “Baby doll, huh?”

  I flipped him off as I ended the call.

  “Let’s get a drink,” he said. “We need to celebrate.”

  We went over to the bar.

  A beer would have been nice, but I didn’t want alcohol dulling my senses when Mr. Robinson was going over contracts. “I’ll take a Coke.”

  With my elbows on the bar, I stared at my phone. I didn’t know if Jessie was the type of person to be punctual. But I did know that she was extremely excited about the meeting.

  Jake filled a glass with Coke from the beverage wand then set the glass in front of me. “She’ll be here.”

  I tried her again. The line went to voice mail. I texted her. She could have been driving and didn’t want to answer the phone.

  Jake twisted the cap off a bottle of beer then raised it. “Cheers.”

  I lifted my glass. “Congrats, man. This union should be a great one.”

  He tipped back the bottle, swallowed, and burped. “Darn fucking right. JJ is going to shit.”

  “Good or bad?” I asked.

  “Not sure. We haven’t talked since I walked out six months ago. Maybe he’ll be happy for me.”

  I played with my phone. “He should be. I’m going to call her shop.” I did a search on the web for the number. When the line connected, it kept ringing and ringing. Mm. It was after five. Maybe they had closed for the day. I didn’t have Roxanne or Lowell’s number. But I did have Donovan’s number. The dark side of my psyche started to conjure up all kinds of scenarios between her and Donovan. Maybe Donovan had convinced her to give him a shot, and she was too embarrassed to show up. I gripped my phone until my knuckles were as white as Jake’s teeth.

  “Maybe she’s running late from work.”

  “She didn’t work today.” It wasn’t any of his business that Jessie had had a mammogram appointment. A shiver racked my body. What if they found a lump? I called her again. Nothing. So I called Donovan. I was met with yet another voice mail. I didn’t leave a message with him. He wouldn’t have returned my call, anyway.

  So I found the number to the hospital on the Internet and tapped it in. Maybe there was an off chance that Jessie had gotten called in to work. “Je
ssie Ryan, please.”

  “One moment,” the lady on the other end said. After a second, she returned. “I’m sorry. Jessie isn’t on shift today.”

  “How about Roxanne?”

  No sooner had I said her name, than I heard her voice in the hall near Mr. Robinson’s office. So I hung up my phone.

  “Is Kody here?” she asked.

  Jake and I swapped a wide-eyed look.

  “Wow!” Jake said. “That’s eerie.”

  The fact that I said her name, and she showed up? Or that her voice sounded grim?

  “What’s wrong?” Mr. Robinson’s voice echoed in the hall.

  The blood gelled in my veins as I scrambled off the barstool and ran into the hall. I stopped in my tracks about five feet from Mr. Robinson and Roxanne. She jerked her head toward me.

  Jake ran up. “Is Jessie here?”

  My breathing grew shallow as the quietness became deafening.

  Roxanne’s bottom lip trembled. “Jessie.” She wiped away tears. “Jessie. Motorcycle accident.” Her voice was staccato.

  My phone dropped from my hand, the sound exploding in the quiet hall. Or maybe that was my heart splattering on the floor. I shook my head to ward off the dizziness that barreled into me like a freightliner. I staggered toward the wall before I bent over, laboring for breath.

  Jake gripped my shoulder. “I’ll drive.”

  I couldn’t move. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, either.

  “Is she okay?” Mr. Robinson asked.

  I stared at my shoes, listing to one side, begging, pleading for Roxanne to say yes.

  Roxanne sniffled as her heels clicked along the floor. “We don’t know. She’s in surgery.” Her painted toes came into view. “Kody.”

  Tears fell hot and fast as I straightened.

  “I would’ve called if I had your number. Lowell and Mack are at the hospital. I know she’ll want you there when she comes out of surgery.”

  If she comes out.

  “What happened?” Jake asked, still holding onto me.

  “We’re not sure. When the paramedics brought her in, she had a metal rod embedded in her side.”

  Nausea rose, and it was all I could do to swallow the bile back down.

  “Roxanne,” Mr. Robinson’s voice boomed. “You’re in no shape to drive. I’ll take you to the hospital.”

  Roxanne’s small, cold hand touched my arm. “I’m so sorry, Kody.” Then she ran out, crying.

  “Go,” Jake said to Mr. Robinson. “Kody needs a minute. We’ll be right behind you.”

  Once they left, I collapsed to my knees. I needed more than a minute. “My worse fucking nightmare.”

  Jake joined me. “Man, I know. But if you love that woman, you’ll be there for her when she wakes up.”

  My past crystallized before me. “If.” I hated that two-letter word.

  “She will,” he said confidently. “You know why? We’re going to be stars, and nothing will get in our way.”

  My head started to pound. “I can’t go.” I couldn’t go through another woman dying from a motorcycle accident.

  “You love her, right?”

  “More than anything.” The words spilled easily.

  Jake clutched my arm. “Then dare to fucking live. Dare to overcome this fear. Dare to walk into that hospital with your head fucking high. Dare to think fucking positively. She needs you.”

  The pain in my chest was unbearable. Flashes of Mandy skated before me. The call I’d gotten that day from her parents. “Mandy is dead.” The days following her death had been agonizing. For years, I’d walked around in a daze, depressed, and I swore I would never survive the death of another loved one.

  Jessie isn’t dead. Get up and show the woman you love that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for her.

  Jake helped me to my feet. “I got you.”

  I pulled on my hair then put one foot in front of the other as we made our way out to his car. The humid air washed over me. I ran over to the fence and puked up my lunch. With my hands on my thighs, I closed my eyes, trying to stave off the nausea and dizziness. But that didn’t help. I heaved again then blew out a few breaths and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

  Once my stomach settled somewhat, I got into the car.

  Jake rolled down the windows and turned on the air conditioner. “I’ll close the windows as soon as the cold air starts blowing.”

  It didn’t matter if it was hot or cold air. Nothing would alleviate the way I was feeling.

  The ride to the hospital was a blur. If we stopped at lights or took turns, I wouldn’t have known. I wasn’t even sure how I was able to get out of the car and walk into the small waiting room in the hospital. But as soon as I walked in, I walked out. I couldn’t handle the thick sadness that enveloped the room. I couldn’t handle the teary-eyed Roxanne or how Lowell was a minute away from having a heart attack. Hell, I couldn’t even handle the fear on Donovan’s ugly mug.

  I bolted past people until I was out in the humid sunshine.

  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

  I dropped down on a cement bench—the same one Jessie and I had sat on the day Lowell had been rushed to the hospital. I hated hospitals. I’d been in them for more reasons than I cared to count.

  A shadow crept up along the sidewalk until Donovan was looming over me. I briefly gave him a passing glance. His mirthless eyes skimmed over me before he took a seat next to me. I didn’t have the energy to even tell him to fuck off.

  People hurried by.

  Ambulances screeched to a halt.

  Car doors slammed.

  “I fucking hate motorcycles,” I finally said. “All I keep thinking about is Mandy. I can’t go through that again.”

  “She’s not dead.” His tone was abrasive.

  “What if she doesn’t make it? And if she does, she’ll still want to ride her motorcycle. I can’t go through life freaking the fuck out every time she rides.”

  “One of the reasons I quit the racing circuit was because I got into an accident. I realized then that I didn’t want to end up like Lowell.”

  Guilt gripped my throat when I thought that maybe the accident would knock some sense into Jessie like it had Donovan—that was if she was alive to realize she should stop riding.

  More silence lay between us.

  “Why are you out here with me?” I asked.

  “I love her.” The edge to his voice dissipated.

  I dug my nails into the palms of my hands. This wasn’t the time to piss me off. Turning my head slightly, I bared my teeth.

  He held up his hands. “I’m not here to rub it in your face. I want you to know that she doesn’t love me. I can’t exactly force her to, either. She loves you, man. I’ve never seen her look at a guy the way she looks at you. I’ve had it bad for her since I was a teenager. But her and I were never meant to be. I realized that yesterday at your house.”

  “Now you’re getting profound.”

  “Your old man made me think. We were kids, Kody. Fucked-up boys who wanted to be tough. I am sorry for what I did to you.”

  I hadn’t been looking for him to say he was sorry. Now that he had, I felt as though the fog that had clouded over me for so long had burned off.

  “Don’t fuck this up with her. Get your ass in there. Be there for her when she comes out of surgery.”

  If she did. Stop your fucked-up way of thinking.

  He motioned to leave.

  I straightened. “Donovan, did Sullivan and the rest of you conspire to run Mandy off the road that day?” I’d asked Sullivan the same question at a party that had taken place down by the lake about four years ago. The asshole had had the nerve to crash our party. Regardless, Lacey had forced Sullivan to confess or profess his innocence. He’d said then that he hadn’t played a role in Mandy’s accident.

  Donovan shook his head, his piercings glistening. “As I said, we were boys who wanted to be tough. We weren’t killers.”

  I vaulted up. “But you al
most killed me.”

  He squinted. “That wasn’t our intention. I told you that. Your old man said to look forward and not back. You should take his advice. I’m certainly trying.”

  “It’s a simple question. Did Sullivan run Mandy off the road?” I had to hear the answer from someone who was close to Sullivan. For all I knew, Sullivan lied to me that day at my party so he wouldn’t get his ass beaten again. I wasn’t sure I trusted Donovan to tell me the truth, but we were opening up to one another.

  “I’m not sure any answer you get you’ll believe. If you must know, I was right behind Sullivan in my own car when he stopped to get gas that day. He and I were headed to a party. I’d wanted to take my own car. Mandy was just leaving as I pulled in. Later that night, we heard about the accident.” He pounded his chest with his fist. “I promise you on Jessie’s life that he and I left that gas station in the opposite direction of Mandy.”

  His tone wasn’t snarky and actually softened greatly when he said Jessie’s name. I believed him. He didn’t strike me as the kind of guy to blow smoke up anyone’s ass, either.

  He started for the hospital entrance.

  “Donovan.”

  He flicked a glance my way.

  “Thank you. I’m sorry too that I came at you with my guns drawn, so to speak. I shouldn’t have ganged up on you with Kade.”

  “I’ll see you inside.” He blended with a couple as they walked in.

  Dropping my head in my hands, I sat back down. I had to somehow put my fear aside and walk into that hospital.

  Footsteps clobbered on the sidewalk, then a hand was on my back. “Kody,” Roxanne said.

  I jerked up my head. “Did she make it out of surgery?”

  She frowned. “Not yet. Please don’t give up on her because of her accident. She’s hopelessly in love with you. I’ve known her all my life, and I’ve never seen her in love before. Use your love for her to get through this.” Her voice was gentle. “I hate that she rides. I wish she would give up motorcycles altogether. After this, maybe she will. I know Lowell’s accident scared her. Maybe this will be the defining factor for her too.”

  Or for me to walk away from the relationship once I know she’s out of danger.