Switching Gears

by Chantele Sedgwick

  He’s watching me. He doesn’t bug me to finish, just sits there, waiting.

  “It’s funny how life works out sometimes. Lucas and I never dated, but I always loved him from afar. He had girlfriends all through high school. How couldn’t he, since he was so … perfect. And Oakley worshipped her brother. They were best friends.

  “When he knew he didn’t have much time left, he asked me to come to the hospital. He told me …” I swallow the lump in my throat and Cole squeezes my hand. “He told me he loved me. That he was sorry he never acted on it earlier. That he regretted telling me so late.”

  I think of the moments we shared. The look on his pale face. The intense feeling of regret that I never kissed him or held his hand, and how we could have been together and happy. It was too much for my sixteen-year-old heart to take.

  “He died a week later. And everything fell apart after that. Oakley didn’t talk to me again. Her parents separated and then she moved to California with her mom. I know she wasn’t mad at me, but it still hurt when she left without saying good-bye.”

  “Have you talked to her since then?”

  “Yes. A few times on the phone, which is good. She’s doing well and just got engaged to a nice guy named Carson.”

  “Isn’t she our age? That’s super young.”

  “She’s a year older than me. And yeah, it’s young. But when it’s right, it’s right, I guess.” I wonder if I’ll ever meet him. I hope so. “I’m happy for her. She deserves to be happy after all she went through with her brother.”

  “She does. You deserve to be happy, too, you know.”

  I shrug. “When I realized he wasn’t going to make it, and especially after he passed away, I stopped letting myself get close to people. I don’t know why. It was a coping thing, I guess. If I don’t get close, people can’t hurt me, right? It kind of lingered and got worse as the year went on. It’s one reason I quit the biking team. Not all, since you were a huge part of it. And Whitney joining. But … yeah. There you go. That’s my story. I have issues, I guess. And now that my mom’s having problems …” My eyes widen and I stop talking. Why would I tell him that?

  “Your mom?”

  I shake my head. “Nothing.”

  “You can tell me, Em. You can trust me. I promise.”

  “I know … I don’t want to get into that right now. Maybe some other time.”

  He smiles and squeezes my hand. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through.”

  I smile. “Not your fault.”

  “I know. But still, it sucks.”

  “It does.”

  He’s quiet for a moment before he speaks again. “My sister ran away from home when she was fifteen. I was thirteen. We were really close. Did everything together, believe it or not. When she was a sophomore in high school, she got mixed up in the wrong crowd. Got hooked on some pretty bad drugs and things. Her and my parents fought all the time. Then one day, she just left.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t see her for years.”

  “I’m sorry. Have you seen her since then?” I can’t imagine something like that happening to Gavin.

  He shrugs. “She’s in rehab right now, doing better I think. She doesn’t contact the family very often. There’s still a lot of tension between her and my parents. I just wish … I could have done something. Anything to help her make better choices than she did. I mean, I wasn’t a saint, but she knew better. She knew what drugs would do to her and she still did it. She was such a good girl.”

  “Sometimes people make crappy choices, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad. It just takes them a bit longer to realize their mistakes and get back on track with the rest of us.”

  “I know. Learn from our mistakes, I guess.”

  “Yes. And I’m not saying I’m perfect. We all have things we need to work on. Some are just different than others.”

  He squeezes my hand. “Thanks. For that.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  As we sit there together, I feel safe. Like we’ve made some progress on the whole trust thing. I do trust him. And even though I miss Lucas and thought I knew what love was when I was with him, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to be okay. That I’ll figure things out and let people into my life again.

  When Oakley and Lucas left, they left two gaping holes in my heart. Holes I didn’t think could be filled again. But Kelsie stepped in and took care of one. Maybe Cole will fill the other.

  For right now, though, as I sit next to him and lean my head on his shoulder, all I can think of is how happy I am that he didn’t give up on me. And hopefully I’ll continue to let him in.

  CHAPTER 23

  Instead of my alarm going off the next morning, Mom’s knock wakes me up. “Hey, Emmy. I’m heading to work and wanted to make sure you were feeling okay.” She motions toward the stitches in my head, and I nod.

  “I’m fine.” I blink a few times, trying to wake up, and as I take in her appearance, I frown. She looks tired. There are splotches on her face, too, like she’s been crying. As I think back on my conversation with Dad about her putting in her two weeks, I’m positive she has been. She loves her job. I’m sure she’s having a hard time with this decision.

  It makes me feel ten times worse that I’ve been avoiding her.

  “Those flowers are beautiful. Did a boy give them to you?”

  I glance at my nightstand at the daisies Cole brought. “Maybe.”

  “Looks like this one’s a keeper.”

  “Sure.” I really don’t want to discuss Cole with her right now because I don’t know what he is to me. Or what I want him to be.

  “Good. Do you have any plans today?”

  “I might go biking.” On what, I’m not sure, since my stupid wheel is broken.

  “Go with someone, please. I don’t want you to get hurt again with no one to help you.”

  I sigh. “I know.”

  She comes into my room and sits on my bed. “It looks a little better in here.” She cringes as she sees the pile of clothes stacked in the corner.

  “It looks the same. I think.”

  “Yes, pretty much.” She laughs and so do I.

  “You should be used to it by now. I’ve been this way my whole life.”

  She pats my arm. “It doesn’t mean you can’t change.”

  “I know.” I really should work on being cleaner. My biking stuff is all organized and perfect, but for some reason I can’t get a hold of keeping my room clean. “I think I take after Dad.”

  She laughs. “Of course you do.” She stares at my posters on the wall and, for a moment, I feel like everything’s fine. She’s still my mom. She still knows who I am. My world isn’t crashing down anymore. “So what do you want to do for girls’ night next week?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe see a movie? That might be nice.”

  She’s silent.

  “Mom?”

  Silence again. She is still staring at one of my posters.

  “Mom,” I say again, getting out of bed and crouching in front of her. “Mom. Are you okay?”

  She blinks and stares at me a second before looking around. “Oh. Yes.” She looks around like she’s seeing me for the first time. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry, I just … lost my train of thought for a second.” She chuckles. “What were we talking about?” She hesitates. “Girls’ night, right?”

  “Yes. I said we should go see a movie or something.”

  “That sounds great.” She stands.

  I bite my lip as she puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re sure you’re okay, Mom?”

  “Yes. Don’t stay in bed all day, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  As I listen to her retreating footsteps, I take slow, deep breaths and as soon as I shut the door I pick up the closest thing to me and throw it across the room.

  I cringe as the glass in the picture frame shatters all over the floor and I stand there,
breathing hard until I realize what I’ve done. I take a few careful steps, hoping I don’t step on any glass, and stare down at the now crinkled and bent picture on the floor. The broken frame lies on the picture and covers Mom’s face. All I see are Dad, Gavin, and myself staring back at me.

  It may as well be my soon-to-be future.

  Without Mom.

  CHAPTER 24

  Determined to do something besides think about Mom, I decide to fix my bike. I clean up the glass mess in my room, get ready for the day, and go shopping. After a quick stop at the bike shop, the second-hand store, and about a hundred bucks later, I have a new rear derailleur. But unfortunately no new wheels.

  My music blasts in the garage as I work on my Gary Fisher, and I don’t even notice the huge truck pull into my driveway until Cole’s tapping me on the shoulder.

  I about jump out of my skin. “Holy—”

  He steps back. “Sorry about that.”

  I put my hand over my heart and take a deep breath. “No worries. You just … scared me.”

  “What ya working on?” He grins and leans over to my shoulder to see my handiwork.

  “Just a bike. I’m getting ready to sell it.”

  “This is the one you were working on last week, right? Looks good.”

  “Thanks.”

  He rocks back on his heels. “So … I kind of have something to show you.”

  I wipe my greasy hands on my pants and stand. “What?”

  He nods his head for me to follow him and leads me around his truck. “Close your eyes.”

  Really? “Okay.” He grabs my hand and pulls me forward. I smile as I feel his hand in mine and think of last night. Being so close to him. A few seconds later, he lets go of my hand and moves his to my shoulder. “You can open your eyes.”

  I do as he says and raise my eyebrows at what’s sitting in front of me. My mouth drops open and I look over at him. “A new wheel set?”

  He nods. “I thought you could use some new ones since you kind of beat your other ones up.”

  I stare at the wheels. The beautiful, shiny rims. I know for a fact how expensive they are. The brand name says it all. After taking them in and maybe drooling a little, I manage to shake my head. “I can’t take these.”

  “It’s not a big deal, Em. I know how much you want to win that race. I also know how much money you need for new wheels. And since it was my fault you crashed—”

  “Like I said before, not your fault.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Still. I wanted to make it up to you.” He takes a step closer and grabs my hand. “So … take them. Please.”

  I don’t know why I want to cry, and it takes quite the effort to hold the tears back. He shouldn’t be so nice to me, especially when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. There has to be a catch, doesn’t there?

  “I promise it’s okay.” He smiles and leans forward, kissing me on the cheek. Before I can do anything, or react, he leans back. I raise my hand, touching the spot he kissed, and can’t help but grin. Two seconds ago, I was fighting tears and now I can’t wipe the smile off my face. What is he doing to me?

  He keeps talking, oblivious to my reaction. “And if you don’t like them, or you’d rather have something else, I’ll take them back and you can pick your own. I know you have different taste than me.”

  I can’t help it. I take a step forward and hug him. He doesn’t even hesitate before wrapping his arms around my waist. I like it here. It’s … safe. “They’re amazing. I don’t really have words. Thank you is the only thing I can think of, and I know it’s not enough. How in the world did you afford these?”

  “I do some work for my uncle sometimes when he needs an extra hand.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Landscaping.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

  He chuckles. “Well, now you do.”

  I shouldn’t take them. The rational part of me wouldn’t. I like working for things, and I don’t need anyone’s charity. But his gesture is so unexpected. So … nice. I can’t say no. Not when he’s looking at me the way he is.

  I pull away from him, a shy smile on my face.

  “Thank you is perfect.” He watches as I lean down to pick up the wheels and look them over.

  “Perfect size and everything.” I want to hug him again, but I restrain myself.

  “See? I pay attention to things.” He grins.

  “That you do.”

  “Shall we put them on and go for a ride?”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Great. Let’s get to work and try them out.”

  It’s funny how things change. A few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have given Cole the time of day. And now as we get our gear on at the beginning of the trail, I realize how bad I misjudged him. Sponsor and all.

  “So,” I say, glancing at his gloves and new helmet. “Edge gives you gloves and whatever gear you need to ride? Do you have to wear it to races to show off their logo or what?”

  “Pretty much.” He pulls on his gloves and flexes his fingers. “It’s all about the name.” I nod, noting everything he’s wearing has Edge on it. “The only bad thing, is if I want to try another brand, I can’t. At least not at a race. I have to wear their stuff at all times or I could get fined.”

  “Interesting.” I don’t know if I could ever afford Edge equipment. It’s all super expensive. I get by with my knock-off brands. And really? I’m okay with it.

  “They wanted me to go on tour all summer, but I told them I couldn’t yet. I had some things I needed to take care of first.” He stares at me for a second and then turns his attention to putting on his helmet. I really hope he didn’t say no because of me. I’d feel horrible. “I’m leaving in July for a few weeks to bike a few different places around the west coast.”

  “Oh?” I’m surprised at the sudden drop in my stomach. He is leaving then. Boo.

  “I leave on the fifteenth.”

  “That sounds … fun.” I try to hide my sudden disappointment, but I’m pretty sure he catches it.

  “Don’t worry. You won’t miss me that much.”

  I glare at him and he chuckles.

  “You ready?”

  I nod and swing my leg over my bike. “When you are.”

  He adjusts his CamelBak and pushes a button on his GPS hooked to his handlebars. “Okay. I’m teaching you a few tricks, nothing huge, since you’re pretty much awesome already, but a few things you may not have known teaching yourself.”

  He starts riding, and I follow right next to him. “When you’re going to shift gears to go up a hill, I’ve noticed you do it right as the bike starts up the hill. That’s what you don’t want to do. You want to shift into a lower gear as you approach the hill. If you shift into a lower or higher gear as you hit the hill, you could snap your chain. Especially if you’re in the middle of a race and going really fast.”

  We approach a hill, and I shift down to one before we start up. My mouth drops open at how much easier it is to climb. “How did I not know that?”

  He shrugs. “You taught yourself.”

  “I was captain of the team, though. I should have known something like that. Or someone should have told me.”

  “Well, if you don’t have a coach to tell you things, which, when you started your biking club, you didn’t, you have to figure it out yourself. I had a coach back in California for years. And don’t feel bad. That’s such a little mistake riders make that not a lot of them even think about it until they’re stranded with a snapped chain in the middle of a trail. Or race.”

  I switch into a lower gear as we approach a hill, and once I start the climb, I’m surprised at how smooth the ride is. It’s not as … jarring, I guess.

  “See? Nice and easy,” he says at the top.

  “That really was a lot better.”

  “Now. When I trained in Cali, my coach taught me three things you need if you want to be a racer: Patience. Endurance. Drive.”

  “Patience?” That one’s go
ing to be a problem. I’m not a patient person. Never have been.

  He must see my expression because he chuckles. “Yes. Patience. You don’t want to burn out too fast when you’re racing. Especially at the beginning of the race. I usually stay at the front of the pack, second or third, and make my move as I get closer to the finish line. You know how hard it is to pass people when you’re exhausted. Save your energy and then push yourself at the end and wait for the right opening. Whoever’s in the lead will be surprised when you go by and have to work even harder to pass you again. You know exactly what I mean, right? You’ve been near the end of a race before and know how hard it is to catch up, even if you’re only a few seconds behind.”

  “Yes. I do that a lot actually,” I grumble as I think of Whitney’s pink spandex passing me like I’m tied to a pole.

  “Okay, so patience. Huge. Now, second thing? Endurance. You ready to ride again?”

  I nod, and we start out slow, me riding next to him as long as the trail stays wide.

  “You have to push yourself. Every time you go biking, don’t ride up here for fun. I mean, you can sometimes, but if you’re really training for a race, push yourself to get a better time. It helps to eat better, drink lots of water to keep hydrated, and push your body to its limit to make it get used to using all your stored-up energy. I especially want you to work on climbing.”

  I squeeze my handlebars tight. He knows I’m not the best climber. As much as I want to argue with him, I don’t.

  “Last thing is drive. Be in it to win it. And I know you want to win it.”

  The way he says it makes me laugh. “I do.”

  He grins. “Right on. Let’s try out those new wheels of yours and see how far I can push you today.” Thoughts of leisure riding are gone as he puts on the speed and takes off in front of me. He calls over his shoulder. “Keep up if you can!”

  I clench my jaw, squeeze my handlebars even harder, and push after him.

  CHAPTER 25

  My body is killing me. No wonder Cole got a sponsor; he’s a maniac on wheels.