Perhaps Love

by Lindsay Armstrong

  Sasha became aware of Heath’s fingers drumming on the wicker arm of his chair.

  He said, ‘It isn’t up to me to mind, so much. But Sasha takes her family responsibilities very seriously, I’ve discovered, which led me to think I should too. And if it was anyone else I’d say—as I said to her once before—wait, take your time. But now that it’s you, Brent, and I’ve seen you two together—well, I only want to say that it’s what is in your hearts that counts. Not some advice from me or anyone else.’

  Brent stared out over the garden. ‘If Sasha wants to wait, that’s all right with me. You mentioned that she takes her family responsibility very seriously. I don’t mind that, because it’s all part of Sasha—she takes all her responsibilities seriously. And with love and sensitivity. If she felt less for you, when you needed someone, it would mean she felt less for me ultimately. And I think I’m too old to say to someone, all that feeling must be directed only at me, because then one day it might mean I was jealous of my own children because Sasha loved them. Do you see? So if she wants to wait, we’ll wait.’

  Heath moved restlessly and Sasha had the strangest feeling that they were discussing something she wasn’t privy to. As if there were some unspoken truths flowing between them.

  Then he said, ‘Don’t wait too long, will you? With the best of intentions, let alone the worst, some things seem to slip away from you before you’re fully aware of what they mean.’

  He must have meant Veronica, Sasha thought later, much later when she was leaning out of her bedroom window despite the dark, frosty air.

  She watched her breath hang suspended in a white cloud. Then the moon came out and the beauty of it shining starkly on the garden and the paddock beyond caught at her throat and brought tears to her eyes. Tears that had been lurking in her heart ever since she had sat and listened to Heath urge her and Brent to get married. And with the tears came, she found, a curious feeling of resentment which led her to question again exactly what it was she felt for Heath Townsend. Perhaps love? Or perhaps it’s just become a habit to think I love him, she mused. But anyway, if you still cherished a seed of hope that he would one day turn to you, Sasha, what happened today couldn’t have killed it more effectively, could it?

  Life settled back into its routine after Brent’s visit. She drove Heath into town for physiotherapy most days and he had a consultation with the two neuro-surgeons. But she heistated to ask for the prognosis because he consistently refused to discuss his sight in any way with her, and because he came away from it looking wan and morose.

  But she finally plucked up the courage as she carefully drove home.

  ‘What did they say?’ she asked.

  ‘Not a great deal.’

  ‘… Will they have to operate?’

  ‘They don’t know yet.’

  ‘Maybe that’s a good sign,’ she said quietly.

  ‘The only thing that would be good, Sasha,’ he said savagely, ‘would be not to have to sit through any more cautious dissertations on the .subject of my sight, with you as well…’

  But there was one source of satisfaction for her in that he was undeniably beginning to look better, more like the old Heath. And as his leg got stronger he began to take an interest in the running of the two properties, although this was not entirely pleasing to Edith, unfortunately.

  But she saw the wisdom of not letting her emotions run away with her when Sasha pointed out that they were all the better off if Heath didn’t have time hanging too heavily on his hands.

  And to Sasha’s surprise, she realised one day that a month had passed since she had left town.

  But despite the comparative peace and companionship they shared, she also realised there was an air of expectancy that they all shared too. Heath didn’t show it outwardly, but Sasha knew it was there. She felt it in his sudden restless movements that he forcibly stilled.

  And she knew immediately what Edith meant when she said one day out of the blue, ‘I feel as if I’m living on a volcano!’ but didn’t elucidate.

  For herself, she found that each night when she got into bed, she sent up a little prayer of thanks that it hadn’t happened, although she couldn’t understand why it hadn’t happened. She would have loved to be able to discuss it with Brent, but he was away in the Northern Territory filming.

  It was quite by chance ‘that she discovered why Veronica hadn’t contacted Heath. She was paging through a woman’s magazine one evening when her eyes fell on the shimmering blonde hair that was so distinctively Veronica’s, and those beautiful features and sinuous figure. She read the caption to the picture. Veronica Gardiner, it said, one of the brightest lights of radio and television, had recently left Sydney for a three-week stint in the South Pacific as co-ordinator of a new series of television programmes on holidays in that area. As well as directing the series she would be taking part in it as commentator in several of the resorts and areas the programme would detail. What a nice way to combine work and pleasure the caption finished impudently.

  Sasha let the magazine fall into her lap as she stared across the room unseeingly. So that was why she hadn’t come! But she was only going to be away for three weeks, according to the magazine, and two of those weeks could have already passed if she had left soon after contacting Brent…

  But whenever she gets back, Sasha thought, isn’t she bound to try and find Heath? Unless Brent managed to convince her he wasn’t in Australia?

  She shivered suddenly and the magazine slid to the floor. She bent forward to retrieve it and noticed that Heath was watching her from where he was lounging on the settee. She felt herself colour, then deliberately relaxed her movements and tossed the magazine face downwards on to the table beside her.

  Then she stood up and stretched and said teasingly, ‘Heavens! It’s only eight o’clock and I feel as if I could fall asleep. What shall we do?’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Go into town, take in a show, go on to a disco.’

  She stared at him. ‘Would you like to do that?’

  ‘What do you think?’ he said caustically.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said after a moment. ‘I mean, I don’t know if that’s what you’d like to do if you could, or …’ She hesitated.

  ‘Or what? Never mind,’ he said impatiently after waiting for her to speak. ‘The point is, because / can’t, even if I wanted to, there’s no reason for you to abstain totally. Why don’t you take a few days off and do just that? Edith will look after me,’ he added sourly, ‘in case you’re worried that I might nip off.’

  Sasha sighed with exasperation. ‘You’re deliberately twisting my words, you know. I hadn’t even thought of any of those things. You were the one.’

  ‘But you’re bored, aren’t you?’ Heath shot her a searching look.

  Bored? she thought. On no. In a way I’ve never been more contented in my life. Which is where the danger lies, Sasha, so you’d better not get too used to it…

  ‘Are you trying to concoct some lies to tell me, Sasha?’ he asked, breaking in on her thoughts. ‘Some soft, suitable words to soothe the invalid with? Because you needn’t bother,’ he added dryly.

  For some reason his words caused something to snap within her. So that she said acidly, ‘What would be the use? If you’re determined to feel so sorry for yourself— go ahead. As a matter of fact I think I’d enjoy to have a good fight with you right now, rather than soothe you in any way. Because I think you’re impossible, Heath Townsend!’

  She tilted her chin mutinously and then gasped as he sat up and shot out a hand to grasp her wrist and pull her down on to the settee beside him.

  ‘All right, Napoleon,’ he said, his eyes gleaming with devilry, ‘now you’re down to my level, go ahead.’ He formed one of her hands into a fist and added, ‘But I should warn you, I’m a lot stronger than I look.’

  ‘Oh!’ she breathed, now thoroughly incensed, ‘you know I didn’t mean that kind of a fight. But if you ever call me that again I will hit you! And if you
must know, I’m sick to death of you patronising me! You do it all the time!’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ he countered, with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips and his hand still around her clenched fist. -‘In fact I thought I’d been very nice to you lately. I’ve been trying hard enough.’

  ‘Well, that’s just what I mean,’ she spat at him. ‘If that’s not patronising me, I don’t know what is!’ She tried uselessly to pull her hand away.

  Heath looked at her quizzically. ‘Do you mean you’d rather I wasn’t nice to you?’ he asked gravely but with inner amusement.

  ‘Yes! No. I mean … oh! You know exactly what I mean,’ she said furiously. ‘So you can just stop it! And while you’re doing that, why don’t you stop feeling so sorry for yourself too? It’s …’

  But she didn’t get to finish what she was saying, because with a blaze of anger in his eyes, he jerked her into his arms and brought his mouth punishingly down on hers.

  She tried to fight him, but it was a losing battle right from the start, and each attempt she made only seemed to spur him on until she went limp in his arms and he lifted his head at last to survey her frightened eyes and trembling, swollen lips with a curious look of torture in his own.

  ‘Why … why did you do that?’ she whispered at last, still lying in his arms and seemingly without the strength to move.

  ‘Why? I don’t know why,’ he said after a moment, his voice strangely husky. He closed his eyes briefly and added, ‘It’s a good way to stop an argument, I guess, although I didn’t mean to be so brutal. But perhaps you touched a nerve, Sasha. Only if I do feel sorry for myself, I … sometimes can’t help thinking I have good cause. One that you wouldn’t understand, though,’ he added, and with an achingly familiar gesture gently tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.

  ‘Why don’t you try me?’ she murmured.

  They stared at each other and then she felt him shrug slightly. ‘I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t I kiss you again?’ he said, his lips barely moving, ‘so that I can know I didn’t do any lasting damage for Brent to have to cope with.’

  Sasha’s grey eyes were like deep pools in the pale perfect oval of her face.

  ‘Is it … like falling off a horse?’ she asked uncertainly after a small eternity.

  His arms moved about her and he smiled down at her, a smile that she had seen before, as if it hurt him. ‘You’re so sweet, Sasha,’ he said very quietly. ‘Yes, I guess it could become that way, so try and forget it if you can.’ He loosened his arms and sat her up in the corner of the settee, then rested his lips just lightly on hers for a moment before he stood up.

  She put a hand to her mouth and looked up at him helplessly.

  ‘I’m sure Brent can eradicate the memory of it, on second thoughts,’ Heath said evenly. And then with a faint grin, ‘If I say I’m tired and wouldn’t mind going to bed, do you think you’d let me go without worrying whether I was feeling sorry for myself?’ he asked.

  Sasha stayed for a long time just staring into the fire. But when she finally decided to go to bed herself she noticed the light seeping from beneath his study door and winced.

  And the next morning she tried to write her regular letter to Stephanie and her father, but after two attempts, tore it up dispiritedly, and it took a great effort to concentrate on anything else, she discovered.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ‘Edith,’ Sasha sighed helplessly, ‘why did we start this?’

  They stared at each other over an ever-growing assortment of clothes and miscellaneous objects that could perhaps be only kindly described as junk.

  Edith’s lips twitched and then they both burst out laughing. ‘I’m sure I don’t know, Sasha,’ Edith said at last as she wiped her eyes. ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I had no idea Stephanie was such a hoarder!’ She looked around at the spare bedroom which they’d chosen as their headquarters for their orgy of going though every cupboard and nook and cranny of the old house in a mistimed spring-cleaning attempt.

  Edith queried with a look of wonder in her eyes as she scanned the room, ‘Do you think she hired a ten-ton truck to bring it all here? I mean, she’s only been here for a few years, she couldn’t possibly have accumulated all this in that time.’

  ‘Perhaps she did!’ Sasha mused. ‘Perhaps she’ll hate us for throwing any of it out, what’s more.’

  ‘Pet, have you got room for all this at home?’

  ‘Heavens, no!’ said Sasha with a grin.

  ‘Well then,’ said Edith with a renewal of her zeal, ‘we’ll get rid of it. I managed to get hold of some tea chests and ia lot of it can go to the Salvation Army. Although what even they’d do with something like this,’ she looked down at a moth-eaten toy koala bear with both its eyes missing and one ear gone too, ‘beats me!’

  - ‘Perhaps it was Heath’s when he was a baby,’ suggested Sasha with an impish grin. ‘Actually it might be an idea …’

  ‘I know,’ Edith interrupted, ‘not to throw anything of

  Heath’s away.’ She grimaced and resignedly placed the bear on a pile of things to keep. ‘Talking of Himself,’ she added in the special tone of voice she reserved for dealing with this awkward subject, ‘am I imagining things, or is he getting a little easier to live with?’

  Sasha thought back to a certain episode which had taken place just two nights earlier and involuntarily her fingers went to her lips. But she said, ‘I think he’s making a real effort. Don’t you think so, Edith?’

  ‘Hmm.’ Edith compressed her lips. ‘It’s all relative, I suppose. I mean, Heath as nice as pie can sometimes be as worrisome as Heath being his usual difficult self.’ She stopped and smiled. ‘That doesn’t make much sense, I suppose, but do you know what I mean?’

  ‘Got you!’ Sasha said with an answering grin, then she sobered. ‘Edith, do you think I should let anyone … know?’ Sasha looked at the older woman with some of the turmoil she was going through etched plainly in her grey eyes.

  ‘Stephanie?’ Edith asked quickly.

  ‘No,’ Sasha said hesitantly. ‘He’d be so angry if I did that, I don’t think he’d ever forgive me. But I thought maybe … Veronica?’

  They stared at each other over the pile of junk between them.

  Then Edith said slowly, ‘If you ask me, she’d run like a scalded cat rather than spend the rest of her life with a blind man.’

  ‘But we don’t know that,’ Sasha said urgently. ‘We don’t know that he’ll be blind and we don’t know how she’d react. And after all, whatever we think of her, they were so very close once, weren’t they? Maybe she could help him through this much better than I could.’

  Edith picked up the koala bear again and regarded it thoughtfully. ‘I doubt that,’ she said at last. ‘I don’t think anyone could do that,’ she added almost to , herself, and went on rather hastily as a small frown

  gathered on Sasha’s forehead, ‘Sasha, I think we’ve done all we can do. We’ve sort of played God with Heath as it is. I think we should just leave things as they are now. Besides, she went on before Sasha could answer, ‘all Veronica has to do is pick up a phone or drive out here to verify that rumour she heard. And all Heath has to do is pick up a phone if he wants her,’ she added gently.

  Sasha bit her Up. ‘But don’t you see, that’s why he hasn’t! He wouldn’t inflict a blind man on her. And I think that’s why he so much resented .. . what I did. Because it meant it kept him within her reach.’

  ‘I wonder,’ Edith murmured. ‘You’re painting a very noble Heath.’ She stared down at the koala bear unseeingly. ‘But then perhaps you’re right,’ she said with a shrug.

  ‘I’m pretty sure of it. And Veronica’s out of the country now.’

  ‘I know, I know, but she’ll be back,’ Edith muttered impatiently, but Sasha got the odd feeling that Edith’s impatience was directed elsewhere, in fact it flashed across her mind that they were talking at cross-purposes.

  ‘Look, leave it, Sasha,
’ said Edith as if taking a grip on herself. If you’re right, he’ll resent it very bitterly. And as I said, for Veronica, all it would take … but there, I’m repeating myself. And you did the right thing, the only thing, Sasha,’ she added reassuringly.

  If only I were as sure of that, Sasha thought later when she and Heath were walking back to the house after a late afternoon stroll down to the river.

  For a change it was a clear, gentle afternoon that seemed to match Heath’s mood. There was no question of her having to help him any more, for although he still walked with a cane his leg was much stronger.

  ‘How’s the spring-cleaning going?’ he asked lightly.

  Sasha consciously packed away her more gloomy thoughts. ‘Do you really want to know?’ she asked with a grin.

  ‘I see. I thought as much,’ he said amusedly. ‘Never mind, our Edith will see it through come hell or high water. It might keep her too occupied to meddle in my affairs for a day or two, for which the Lord be praised,’ he added wryly, and looked at Sasha with his eyebrows raised, as she stopped walking and burst out laughing. ‘What is it?’ he asked.

  ‘Just you … and Edith,’ she said, still grinning. ‘You do dislike each other so thoroughly, don’t you?’

  ‘Do we? I suppose we do. I’m not sure who started it, though. I first met her during my university days, in fact the very first time I met her, she pursed her lips primly at me as if I was-Don Juan personified. And from then I … well

  ‘You went out of your way to consolidate that impression?’ Sasha teased.

  Heath laughed ruefully. ‘Perhaps I did,’ he conceded. ‘Anyway, it’s been like a private war ever since. Who knows, though—we might end up very fond of each other one day! Beloved enemies. Stranger things have happened.’

  ‘I think you might be that already,’ said Sasha. ‘Fond enemies. I’m sure Edith would miss it if she didn’t have you to grumble about and vice versa.’

  ‘God forbid,’ he said feelingly. ‘But no, I have to admit I admire her tenacity. You two have a lot in common,’ he added with a wicked little smile.