Perhaps Love

by Lindsay Armstrong

  ‘Do we?’ Sasha said innocently. ‘I can’t see it.’

  ‘Only because basically you’re shortsighted, Blossom, despite your claim to me once of being able to see from here to Bondi.’

  ‘Not from here,’ she protested.

  ‘But you know what I mean, don’t you, Sasha?’ he said, and put an affectionate arm around her. ‘Speaking as one shortsighted person to another. You literally and me potentially,’ he added with a grimace.

  ‘You make us sound like the blind leading the blind!’ she teased with a smile, then she tensed and thought, why did I say that!

  But Heath only pulled her a bit closer and she heard him laugh beneath his breath, so she relaxed and they moved on, hand in hand, not speaking, but on Sasha’s part anyway, feeling so close to him she wondered if her heart might burst with foolish happiness.

  Then they came within sight of the house, and Sasha stared and stumbled as she saw the strange car parked on the gravel and took in the person sitting on the verandah.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Heath immediately, and followed her gaze.

  ‘I … I think it’s Veronica,’ she said, and fought to make her voice sound calm.

  He swore.

  For the first time in her life Veronica Gardiner seemed to be struck speechless as Sasha and Heath mounted the front steps. She got up slowly from her chair and the fingers that clutched her purse were white and her hazel eyes inexplicably wary as they never left Heath’s face.

  He asked abruptly, ‘How are you, Veronica?’

  She licked her lips. ‘I’m fine, Heath. How are you? And you, Sasha?’ She moved then as if to appear more normal. ‘I didn’t expect to see you here. I thought you’d be away filming with Brent. For that matter, I’m surprised to see you, Heath.’

  ‘Are you?’ he said a little dryly, and Sasha noted that of the three of them he seemed the least ill at ease, and she wondered what kind of iron control he was exercising, but there was nothing about him to give him away.

  And Sasha knew suddenly what she had to do. She said, ‘Won’t you have dinner with us, Veronica? It’s a long drive.’

  ‘I … thank you,’ said Veronica. ‘I’d like to.’ But she looked a little uncertainly at Heath.

  ‘Well, let’s go-in,’ Sasha said brightly. ‘It’s getting cold out here. Does Edith know you’re here?’

  ‘Yes. I said I’d wait on the verandah for you.’

  ‘Oh, good. Well, she’ll probably be prepared, then. Let me take your coat,’ she added briskly as she led the way into the lounge.

  Veronica shed her coat obediently and stood in the middle of the room in a bewitching dress of lilac crepe that moulded her superb figure and set off her fair hay-perfectly.

  Heath hadn’t spoken, and beyond casting Sasha a strange look which she hadn’t been able to interpret, he hadn’t indicated whether he was pleased or not with this turn of events.

  Now he said almost easily, ‘Would you like a drink, Veronica? Sasha?’

  Sasha saw Veronica relax visibly and said swiftly, ‘You and Vernoica have one. I’ll just go and see if Edith needs a hand. I won’t be long.’

  And she left the room with her heart beating erratically and her palms moist.

  Edith was wearing her most constrained expression as she slammed a lid on a pot just as Sasha entered the kitchen.

  ‘Sh-she’s here,’ Sasha said unecessarily.

  ‘I know that,’ Edith replied.

  ‘I guess you do. Did she say anything to you?’

  Edith shrugged. ‘She tried to pump me about Heath.’

  ‘What did you say?’ Sasha asked patiently, knowing Edith well in this mood.

  ‘I said Heath never liked other people answering for him, so she’d better ask him herself.’

  ‘Oh. I … asked her to stay to dinner.’

  ‘I knew you’d do that,’ Edith said resignedly. ‘It’ll be ready in half an hour.’

  She sounded so cross that Sasha asked tentatively, ‘Will you be having dinner with us? I wish I could think of a way we could let them eat on their own.’

  ‘Well, there isn’t,’ Edith said forthrightly, ‘so stop bothering about it. And I’ll be there. In fact, I’ll be a very interested spectator.’

  ‘Edith ‘ Sasha began anxiously.

  ‘Don’t worry, Sasha. Listen, why don’t you go and change?’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Dinner! What else?’

  ‘Oh. Do you think I ought to?’

  ‘Yes, I do,’ Edith said shortly. ‘It will give you something to do while Heath and … that woman are being private, instead of fiddling around in my kitchen.’

  ‘That’s a good idea,’ Sasha said ingeniously. ‘I’ll do that. Just don’t get too mad and break anything while I’m gone, Edith,’ she added mischievously, and whisked herself out of the room as Edith turned on her menacingly.

  But I don’t really feel mischievous, she told herself as she emerged from a hasty shower. I feel so tense I could die! Take a deep breath, Sasha, she admonished herself, and calm down. You knew this was going to happen.

  ‘I know,’ she answered her reflection in the mirror, and was horrified to see two tears roll down her cheeks.

  She sat down and reached for her hairbrush. But the soothing strokes of the brush couldn’t eradicate the misery that was rising up in her throat, so she jumped up impatiently and searched through her wardrobe for something suitable to wear. She chose a pair of oatmeal suede culottes and a matching cashmere sweater and in a gesture of defiance, perhaps, spent some time putting up her hair. And her hand reached out automatically for the gold earrings Heath had given her, but she swallowed suddenly and changed her mind.

  Then the rarely used dinner gong sounded, and she put her hands to her cheeks and stood like that for a “moment before she forced herself to leave the room.

  ‘It’s going well,’ Sasha whispered to Edith as she helped her clear the table. Heath and Veronica had taken their coffee into the lounge.

  ‘Thanks to you,’ said Edith. ‘You’re the life and soul of the party.’

  ‘You make me sound like a clown!’ Sasha retorted indignantly.

  Edith softened as she cast a glance at Sasha’s faintly flushed face and over-bright eyes. ‘Not a clown,’ she said, ‘only a very sweet kid. Sasha? Oh no, it doesn’t matter,’ she added immediately. ‘Go and have your coffee with them. Then you can retire gracefully if you want to.’

  ‘And when will Brent be back?’ Veronica asked Sasha.

  Sasha shrugged and rolled her eyes. ‘Heaven knows! They’re in Papua New Guinea now, and according to his last letter everything that could go wrong, has. I suspect it will be a couple of months at least.’

  She looked up to see Heath watching her and Veronica watching Heath.

  Then Veronica looked at Sasha and said with an effort, ‘I should have thought you’d be up there smoothing his path. I’ve heard a few little snippets of gossip about you two,’ she went on with a teasing grin, ‘and not only about your capabilities as a Girl Friday, which he found almost indispensable.’

  Sasha blushed and could think of no reply. So she jumped up and said, ‘Well, I guess you two have a lot to talk about. If you’ll excuse me, I might leave you to it.’

  Veronica leant back in her chair with an undisguised look of relief on her face, but it was Heath’s expression that startled Sasha just before she turned to go. There was so much enigmatic amusement in his eyes as they rested on her face that her heartbeat tripped and she found her mouth was dry and her pulses racing stupidly, and before she stopped to think, she found herself outside in the dark, stumbling along as if she was fleeing from something she couldn’t name.

  But finally when she tripped over a stone and grazed her knee, some sanity returned and she realised she was cold as well as acting stupidly, so she turned back and slowly retraced her steps.

  She turned the comer of the house and almost ran slap bang into Veronica, who was striding across the gravel
to her car with her keys in her hands. They both recoiled and then Sasha said in surprise, ‘You’re not going so soon, are you, Veronica?’

  ‘Of course I am!’ Veronica snapped at her.

  ‘B-but why?’ Sasha stammered, taken aback.

  ‘You should know, you . .. bitch!’ Veronica bit out. And then she laughed harshly at the look of bewilderment on Sasha’s face. ‘So naive,’ she marvelled. ‘But while you might have fooled him, you don’t fool me. And I’ll tell you something else,’ she said in a low voice as she put a hand on Sasha’s arm and with surprising strength pulled her around to the other side of the car, away from the .house, ‘enjoy him while you’ve got him, Blossom, because you won’t have him for long!’

  Sasha stared into the other girl’s furious eyes. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Well then, I’ll be more precise,’ said Veronica, her voice gone cold with anger. ‘You took advantage of him, didn’t you, pet? You found him here sick and alone and rushed in as you’ve been dying to do for years! But if you think it’s any more than gratitude he feels for you, perish the thought, Sasha. In fact if I were you, I’d back out now, because when he gets round to realising it, he’s going to make your life hell. And I’ll be on the sidelines cheering,’ she added viciously.

  Sasha blinked. ‘I … I don’t understand,’ she whispered.

  ‘Oh yes, you do!’ Veronica snapped, and her next words were like a slap in the face. ‘You set out to steal him from me as long ago as that night of the party. You grabbed the opportunity to turn what was really only a stupid little tiff into a solid wedge that night. You took it into your hot little hands and by some … freak choice of words managed to upstage me that night. But do you think I don’t know why?’ She stopped and took a hold of herself, then went on with a faint mocking smile. ‘I must admit you showed a bit of initiative. I do give you that—you showed a bit more drive than the great herd of them, but really you’re no different from the millions of women who watched him on television and drooled over him and all the dim little typists and shopgirls and bored housewives who dreamt stupid daydreams of snaring him and taming him … what a laugh!’

  ‘But you’re not laughing,’ said Sasha before she could stop herself. ‘I mean …’

  And to her horror Veronica said scornfully, ‘I know what you mean. And you’ll know what / mean when Heath starts to get bored with you. Do you think I haven’t seen him look at other women, toy with them? And do you think I don’t know how cold and cruel he can be sometimes? But then I know the reverse side of it too. As no other woman has yet, or will. I know what it’s like to be made love to by Heath as … as…’ her voice dropped and thickened, ‘as no other man can do it. I know what it’s like to fight him and then give in to him and be taken to heights you wouldn’t know existed! And I know what it’s like to match my wits with his and see him look at me with that glint of admiration in his eyes you’ll never see … ‘

  ‘And that’s why I know,’ she went on very slowly, her beautiful face contorted into an ugly mask of rage and hatred, ‘he’ll come back to me. So don’t say I didn’t warn you, Sasha,’ she added spitefully, and then with an expression of disgust, dropped her hand from Sasha’s arm and got into her car with an impatient toss of her head. She slammed the door and revved the motor and drove off with a spurt of gravel leaving Sasha standing there staring after her in a daze.

  She was still staring at the disappearing tail lights when Heath came down the steps to stand beside her.

  ‘Where were you? I was looking for you, Sasha.’

  Then the roar of Veronica’s engine, as she gunned it to leave the drive and hit the road, made Sasha flinch and caused Heath to look at her more closely and take in her pallor and the look of shock in her eyes.

  He lifted his head and tightened his lips. ‘What did she say to you?’ he asked grimly as the sound of the car faded.

  Sasha moistened her lips. ‘I … I think she’s gone mad,’ she said weakly.

  ‘Tell me,’ he said quietly.

  ‘I … no, it’s nothing.’ She started to shiver. ‘I’m s-so cold.’

  ‘Come inside,’ he said unemotionally. ‘What were you doing out here in the first place?’

  ‘Well, I went for a walk,’ sh£ said dully as he escorted her up the front steps and into the warmth of the lounge.

  ‘Without your coat?’ He pushed her down into a chair beside the fire. ‘You’re half frozen. I know what you need. Stay there.’

  She stayed with her hands stretched out towards the fire and in a few minutes he was back with two large Irish coffees.

  Sasha sipped hers and grimaced slightly. ‘It’s very strong,’ she said, not looking at him.

  He shrugged. ‘You were very cold. Now tell me what she said to you.’

  Her lids lifted involuntarily to him. He was standing beside the fire with his hands shoved into his pockets and his coffee on the mantelpiece and there was an air of purpose about him that made her catch her breath. Think before you speak, Sasha, she tried to tell herself. But she found she couldn’t even think let alone speak.

  ‘Sasha!’

  She made an effort. ‘I suppose we don’t like each other, that’s all.’

  ‘Neither of you showed it during the dinner,’ he commented. ‘Why don’t you like each other?’

  She said helplessly, ‘You don’t always need a reason. Some people just.. . antagonise each other.’

  ‘Sasha,’ he said on a dangerously quiet note, ‘tell me.’

  ‘I don’t want to!’ she cried, suddenly close to tears. ‘And you can’t make me.’

  ‘Yes, I can.’ He leant forward and prised her coffee from her fingers and hauled her unceremoniously to her feet. ‘Now start talking, dear, stubborn little stepsister,’ he commanded softly. ‘Otherwise I might be tempted to put you over my knee and spank you.’

  She gasped. ‘You wouldn’t!’ she blazed at him.

  ‘Don’t be too sure.’ His fingers tightened about her wrists as she made a convulsive movement to free herself. ‘Come on, Sasha,’ he added curtly, ‘don’t be a child.’

  ‘All right,’ she snapped furiously, goaded by his words. ‘I’ll tell you! She thinks I’m trying to steal you away from her. She … she thinks I’ve tried to make you fall in love with me. Taken advantage of you, were her exact words. That’s what she said to me. But if she only knew .. .’ She stopped abruptly and her shoulders sagged.

  ‘Knew what?’ queried Heath, the deep blue fire of his eyes boring into her own.

  ‘I was going to get in touch with her and ask her to come to you. In spite of… Edith, I was going to do it,’ she said defiantly.

  He let her wrist go suddenly that she sank back into the cha!ir.

  ‘Now why the hell would you have done that?’ he asked coldly.

  ‘Because she loves you, Heath. And you need her,’ she whispered, looking up at him with her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.

  ‘Well, for once I agree with Edith,’ he said flatly. ‘But I just wish to God you’d stop discussing me behind my back and meddling in my affairs,’ he added with a surge of savagery in his voice.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said hopelessly after a moment. Then, ‘But I don’t understand. Why should Veronica think those things? I thought … I mean, I tried to make it obvious I wanted you two to be alone—together. Why should she be so upset and so convinced I…’

  ‘Oh, that,’ he interrupted with a tinge of impatience, and half turned away from her. ‘I told her that. At least, I told her you and I were getting engaged.’

  His words caused the room to whirl so alarmingly before her eyes, she closed them experimentally. ‘S-say that again?’ she stammered.

  He turned back to her and his lips twitched faintly.

  ‘I told her we were getting engaged,’ he said deliberately.

  Sasha’s eyes flew open. ‘But,’ she said incredulously, ‘you … we … we can’t! What about Brent?�
� She had no idea what made her say that, but then again, she often thought afterwards, wouldn’t it have been what Heath expected her to say?

  His eyes narrowed as he searched her face intently. Then he said coolly, ‘What about him? You said yourself he’d probably be stuck in the highlands of New Guinea for months. And since you’re all feeling so philanthropic towards me, he might not mind. After all, you got me into this, Sasha,’ he added cruelly. ‘If it hadn’t been for you I’d have been thousands of miles away from Veronica, and the whole damn bunch of you, for that matter.’

  A slow comprehension began to trickle into Sasha’s mind.

  ‘You didn’t tell her, did you?’ she said huskily. ‘You don’t want her to know.’

  ‘I don’t particularly want anyone to know,’ Heath said irritably.

  ‘But least of all her?’

  He moved restlessly.

  ‘… I see,’ she said at last when he didn’t answer.

  ‘I doubt it,’ he said wryly. ‘But when you examine it, is it such a strange idea—us saying we’re engaged? We’re virtually living together like a sort of Darby and Joan couple as it is. And then when the thing’s resolved, one way or another, we can put a stop to the charade.’ He shrugged and cast himself down into the chair opposite.

  ‘What… no,’ Sasha said the last word hastily.

  He looked at her derisively. ‘What if I do go blind? Is that what you were going to say?’ He studied her hot face thoughtfully. ‘Sasha, from what the two specialists told me, in about a month’s time they’ll know whether the nerve is still healing or deteriorating. Now whichever way it goes, this bargain you forced me into ends then; and neither you nor anybody else will be dictating anything to me. Nor will they be stopping me from getting the hell out of here if I want to. Because if I need someone to hold my hand, I’d far rather pay someone to do it. Do you understand?’

  ‘Why … why don’t you give her a chance, at least?’ she said tearfully.

  ‘Because I know her better than you do, my dear,’ he said on an odd note. ‘Some people could take it. She couldn’t. It’s better for her this way.’