Wrong in Love

by March, Aisling

  “Well, I’m not a doctor, so this isn’t the official result, but there doesn’t appear to be a baby in there. Maybe it’s just too small, but I don’t see anything,” he said.

  She nodded solemnly and fought back tears. She wouldn’t cry in front of this soulless stranger.

  She got Will from the waiting room and wordlessly they sat in an exam room waiting for a doctor. Jocelyn would have found the silence uncomfortable, but her mind wasn’t on her husband. She could think only of her baby, her sweet baby that she would never meet.

  The doctor’s visit was brief. She came into the room, her eyes scanning the clipboard she held. She didn’t look much older than Jocelyn and Will, and Jocelyn wondered if she was a real doctor.

  “I’m sorry to tell you it appears that you are having a miscarriage,” the doctor said.

  “I figured,” she said.

  “You’re just going to have to wait it out, wait for the bleeding to pass. I see you have an appointment with your doctor on Tuesday?”

  “That’s right.”

  “You can follow up with him then. I’m so sorry.” The doctor smiled grimly, her attempt at compassion, and left the room.

  Jocelyn began gathering her things the moment the door shut.

  “Honey, I’m so-“

  “Don’t,” she said.

  “I just want to say-“

  “Don’t say anything,” she said. She wished she could be alone.

  “Okay,” said Will, obviously not satisfied with her demand. Jocelyn felt badly for a moment – after all, it was his baby too. But she knew that it wasn’t the same for him, that he didn’t feel the baby the way she had, that he didn’t see it as their child the way she did.

  They rode home in silence.

  Monday morning Jocelyn left for work early and got off the train a couple of stops before her usual one. The weather was nice, just a little bit cool as fall was settling in. She wanted time to think, by herself. The weekend had been brutal. Will had hovered over her, constantly asking if she was all right or if she needed anything. All she wanted was to be alone. She hadn’t even picked up the phone when Anna had called Sunday night.

  She walked the mile to work, her mind racing, as it had been since Friday evening. Had she somehow caused the miscarriage? The doctor had told her it was nearly impossible to go over everything she had done and eaten to determine the cause of the miscarriage, and also that such thinking was futile and unnecessary. Most miscarriages occurred because of a problem with the fetus, not because of something that the mother did. Still, she couldn’t help but dwell on that dollop of raw cookie dough she’d tasted the weekend before, or the amount of stress she’d felt since learning she was pregnant. What if the baby felt Jocelyn’s ambivalence toward Will and, without the nurturing love of a stable home, didn’t thrive? She told herself that was ridiculous.

  The miscarriage impacted her marriage; without the baby, there was no reason for them to stay married. She felt her chest tighten. Should she get a divorce? She wanted to, but what would her parents think? What would Will’s parents think? And most of all, how would Will feel about that? She sensed that he was happy with their arrangement, even without an impending baby. He’d even said that although the loss of the baby was a tragedy, now people would really believe that they’d married for love.

  If only they had.

  She turned the corner before her office building. Ahead, she could see Colin’s dark head as it disappeared into their building. She felt a flutter of butterflies in her stomach. If she had truly been in love with Will, would she feel like this about someone else? She doubted it. What kind of marriage was that?

  She entered Remington just as Colin was coming back out.

  “Leaving early?” she asked.

  “No one’s in yet. I thought I’d go get a coffee. Come with me.” It was more of a statement than an invitation, so Jocelyn complied.

  They walked together to a Dunkin’ Donuts. They seemed to be on every corner in Boston, Jocelyn had noticed. She wondered how any other coffee shop managed to stay in business.

  “Did you take it easy this weekend like I told you to?” Colin asked as they walked. He grinned at her.

  She didn’t dwell on how painful the truth of her weekend was; instead, she returned his flirtatious smile.

  “I just watched movies,” she said.

  “Sounds exciting,” he teased.

  “How about you? Did you meet up with Sophie on Friday night?” she asked. They reached Dunkin’ Donuts and he held the door for her.

  “Yeah, we met up with her and her friends,” he said.

  Jocelyn wanted to ask more, like what had happened and if he was interested in Sophie. She didn’t though, partly because it wouldn’t have been appropriate and partly because it shouldn’t matter to her.

  It shouldn’t matter. But it did.

  She reminded herself that being married meant that the relationship status of other men didn’t concern her anymore.

  She sighed audibly.

  “Are you all right?” Colin asked.

  Jocelyn shook herself and took the cup of coffee from the man behind the counter.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said.

  “Good,” said Colin. “It’s going to be a long week.

  No kidding, she thought.

  CHAPTER 8

  Sophie was trying to get Jocelyn to go out after work again on Monday afternoon.

  “It’s Mary Turner’s last day,” said Sophie.

  “I don’t even know her. Besides, aren’t you guys tired from going out so much?” said Jocelyn.

  “Know who?” asked Colin, joining them at Jocelyn’s desk.

  “Mary Turner. It’s her last day,” said Sophie.

  “Oh, yeah. We’re going to the bar. You coming?” he asked Jocelyn, and Sophie narrowed her eyes.

  “No, I can’t. I have to get home,” she said.

  “Hot date?” he asked.

  “She’s married!” exclaimed Sophie. Jocelyn wanted to strangle her. Why did she constantly feel the need to bring that up? She hoped Sophie’s desperation was as obvious to Colin as it was to her.

  “That doesn’t mean she can’t have a hot date. If Jocelyn were my wife I’d take her out all the time,” said Colin.

  Jocelyn could feel her face heating up again and she looked down, but not before sneaking a peek at Sophie’s annoyed expression.

  “Anyway, I really am going home,” said Jocelyn.

  “Your loss,” said Sophie, eyeing Colin.

  Will was waiting for her outside with a half dozen white roses.

  “What are these for?” Jocelyn asked, taking them and kissing him on the cheek.

  “I thought you might need some cheering up. I’m taking you to dinner, too,” he said. She brought them to her nose and inhaled.

  “They’re beautiful,” she said.

  “I’m glad you like them,” he said. He leaned in and gave her a kiss.

  She pulled back to see Colin coming out of the front door. She wiped her mouth quickly and smiled.

  “Good night,” she said to him. He looked at her and then Will, and nodded.

  “Good night,” he said.

  “Are you ready?” asked Will.

  Jocelyn looked at him, wondering if he had sensed her feelings for Colin.

  “I’m ready,” she said.

  Jocelyn ordered a strawberry margarita the moment they sat down. As long as she wasn’t pregnant, she was going to take advantage of the relaxing effects of the alcohol.

  “How was your day?” asked Will.

  “It was all right. Sad,” she said. Her margarita arrived and she took a very long sip. Will laughed.

  “Take it easy there,” he said.

  “Why should I?” she asked, annoyed.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just-here, I got you something.” He reached into his satchel bag and pulled out several books. Jocelyn took them and looked at the titles.

  “How
to Cope With the Loss of a Baby,” “The truth behind Miscarriage,” and “Healing.”

  Jocelyn looked at him.

  “Look, I don’t know what to do or say to make this better for you. I know you’re not just automatically going to feel okay, but I want to help. I was at such a loss this weekend. You just wanted to be alone and I just wanted to be there for you,” he said.

  Jocelyn tucked the books into her bag.

  “Thank you. I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” she said coldly.

  “Come on Joc, don’t talk to me like that, like I’m your aunt giving you a sweater or something. I’m your husband,” he said.

  “Don’t remind me,” she said. She was surprised at her own bitterness.

  “Hey, what’s that about?” he asked. He looked like she’d slapped him.

  “Nothing,” she said.

  “No, tell me. Are you sorry now that we got married?”

  She played with her silverware, saying nothing.

  “Jocelyn, I didn’t marry you because you were pregnant. I mean, that’s why I married you in August in Las Vegas, but I would have married you anyway. I had every intention of going to law school and then going back to Florida to ask you to be my wife. Do you not feel the same way?”

  She put the silverware down and leaned back against the booth.

  “I don’t know, Will. Everything happened so quickly. I mean, one day we’re planning on breaking up so that you can go to law school and then the next we have a positive pregnancy test and we’re on our way to Vegas to get married. Now I’m living in Boston, where I never even dreamed of living, I’m working as a secretary instead of teaching, and I’ve lost my child. And I’m tied to you for the rest of my life,” she said.

  Will was quiet.

  “Look, I’m sorry, but there’s just so much going on. I feel like I can’t deal with our relationship until I’m over the miscarriage.”

  Will nodded.

  “This may not be the best time to say this, considering it sounds like you’re ready to walk out the door, but I want to try to have another child. I know it will take some time, and your body has to heal, and you have to heal, but I really want kids with you, Joc,” said Will.

  His face was sincere and she felt a surge of love for him. Maybe she was just stressed out. Maybe he really was the love of her life and Colin was just a distraction.

  “I have something for you,” he said. He reached into his bag again.

  “Something else?”

  “Yeah. It’s not going to help you get over the miscarriage, but it was so pretty and I thought you’d like it.” He handed her a small blue box tied with a white ribbon.

  Her eyes lit up.

  “Tiffany!”

  Eagerly she untied the bow and picked up a delicate sterling silver necklace with a heart dangling from the chain.

  “It’s beautiful,” she said.

  Will smiled.

  “You always do pick out the best gifts,” she said.

  “Because I love you and I know what you like,” he said.

  She set the necklace down in its box and took his hand.

  “I love you too. I’m sorry, don’t listen to me. I’m just upset about the baby.”

  He patted her hand.

  “I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m really happy that we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

  Jocelyn decided to ignore the tightness in her chest when she hears those words. Instead she took a final sip of her margarita.

  It got colder outside and Jocelyn tried hard to adjust. She went shopping after work, exploring the different areas of Boston. She found that she liked Newbury Street the best, and she went often to buy sweaters and wraps and coats.

  Toward the end of October, Anna called Jocelyn to ask when she would be coming home.

  “I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it,” she said.

  “Hadn’t thought about it! You’ve left your family and best friend behind in Florida, and it hasn’t even occurred to you to visit!” said Anna.

  “I’ll be home for Thanksgiving,” Jocelyn offered.

  “Well, that’s a relief,” Anna said sarcastically. “Looks like I’m going to have to buy this plane ticket I found for the first weekend in December.”

  “Yes! Oh Anna, do it! Come visit, it would be so fun,” said Jocelyn.

  “Let me make sure I can get a couple of days off work and I’ll make it a long weekend,” she said.

  “That sounds great. I can’t wait to see you,” said Jocelyn.

  “Don’t forget about Thanksgiving,” said Anna.

  “I’ll see you then,” she said.

  That evening at dinner she brought their conversation up to Will.

  “Thanksgiving? I don’t know, Jocelyn, I didn’t really plan on going back then,” he said.

  “Will, we haven’t been home since August,” she said.

  “This is our home,” he said.

  “Um, no. This is where we’re living until you get your degree,” she said. She set her fork down and glared at him. Things between them had been fine since her miscarriage. Not great, not overly happy, but fine. She had tried to avoid Colin in order to avoid her feelings for him. So far it seemed to be working.

  “Yeah, but it’s also where we live. Together. Without our parents and Anna,” he said.

  “But we’re leaving once you finish school, right?” she asked.

  Will shrugged. Jocelyn felt an anger that had been simmering since they’d moved to Boston boil deep inside her stomach.

  “We are leaving, right Will?”

  “I don’t know Jocelyn, I kind of like it here. Don’t you like it here?” He scooped more mashed potatoes onto his plate.

  “No, I don’t like it here. It’s cold. Everyone is rude. It’s busy and dirty and I hate it!” she said.

  “You haven’t really given it a chance. You hardly ever go anywhere that isn’t shopping,” he said.

  “Just because you go out with your law school friends almost every night doesn’t mean I should be doing the same thing. One of us has to act like an adult,” she said.

  “I’m going home for Thanksgiving,” she said, standing to clear her plate. “That’s right, home. You can do whatever the hell you want.”

  She dumped the remains of her dinner in the trash and stormed out of the room. She walked down the hallway and retrieved everything she would need that night plus the clothes she would wear in the morning. She also took the blanket and her pillow from the bed.

  “What are you doing?” asked Will, entering their bedroom.

  “Sleeping in the living room,” she said.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said.

  “Ridiculous? How is it ridiculous that I want to go see my family, who I haven’t seen in months, at Thanksgiving? How is it ridiculous that I’m upset because you lied to me?”

  “I didn’t lie to you,” he said.

  “You did! You said we would stay here while you were in school, and then we could go back to Florida.”

  “And maybe we can. But I’m starting to like it here.”

  Jocelyn pushed past him, back to the living room. She set the couch up with her pillow and the comforter and turned on the TV.

  “Don’t you want to talk about this?” asked Will.

  “What is there to talk about? Let me know what you decide,” she said. She flipped through the channels numbly.

  “Whatever, Jocelyn.” He headed down the hallway and slammed the door.

  Jocelyn turned the TV off and stared at the black screen. She had to leave him.

  CHAPTER 9

  Colin stopped by Jocelyn’s desk the next afternoon.

  “You know what today is?” he asked.

  She looked at the calendar on her desk.

  “Thursday?”

  “That’s right. Do you know what that means?”

  “It’s almost the weekend?”

  “Close. It means we’re all going to the bar after work,
and you’re coming.”

  Jocelyn started to protest but then stopped. Hadn’t Will told her just last night that she should go out?

  “Okay,” she said.

  “Really? Wait, really? Eleanor, did you hear that? Jocelyn’s coming out tonight.”

  The kindly HR rep laughed.

  “Is that right. You finally charmed her into joining you,” she said.

  “I did. It took some time, but I did it. Sophie, Jocelyn’s coming out tonight.”

  Sophie, who had been on her way to Tim’s office, paused.

  “Yay! Oh, I’m so excited I’ll have another girl with me tonight. Usually it’s just me and these guys,” she said. She draped an arm over Colin.

  “I can’t wait,” said Jocelyn. She smiled at Colin, who smiled back, oblivious to Sophie’s perfume.

  “Can I get a rum and diet?” Jocelyn asked the bartender. It was her third one. She knew she should slow down, especially since she hadn’t drank since her margarita night with Will.

  She was sitting on a barstool, quietly listening to the conversations of her coworkers. While they talked about clients and plans and their bosses, she took in the bar. It was dim and eclectically decorated. A wagon wheel hung on one paneled wall next to an oversized black and white print of two women carrying pails of what Jocelyn imagined to be water. She watched as people pushed through the throng of after-work drinkers to get to the bar and the bathroom, and she almost felt as though she were at the zoo. Would this be how it was in West Palm too? Would the other teachers and young professionals be so eager to be out of their office and into the nearest bar to drink away the stress of their jobs? She made a mental note to ask Anna about that later.

  “You’re quiet,” said Sophie, coming up beside her. She ordered herself another drink.

  “Yeah, just listening,” said Jocelyn.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure,” said Jocelyn. She shifted on her stool to face Sophie.

  “Is there something going on between you and Colin?” she asked.

  Jocelyn blinked and shook her head.

  “Something going on? No, that’s ridiculous,” she said.

  “Is it? Because I’ve been talking to Colin all night and he keeps looking over here at you,” said Sophie.