Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  The Inferno

  by Dante Alighieri

  @HolyHaha

  Iʼm having a midlife crisis. Lost in the woods. Should have brought my iPhone.

  Iʼm being attacked by three theoretical beasts! I donʼt think Iʼm in Italy any more!

  Virgil found me. Iʼm not alone!

  Wait. Virgil long dead. Hold on. Virgil sent by Beatrice. This is not Italy for sure.

  Today, my lifelong idol says the only way to safety is to take a long, introspective journey through hell. FML.

  Kicking it with Homer, Ovid, and Horace. Supergroup? World tour?

  Big red demon wrapping his cock around himself. What the hell?

  All of my Italian political enemies burning up down here. Called it!

  A girl told me sex forgives no sexiness from the sexy. If anyone understands women, do tell.

  I love Beatrice, but goddamn, after a talking tree, a tear-jerking encounter, and a mutant-dog, the lovinʼ better be worth it.

  So this is embarrassing, but I started crying and Virgil smacked me and called me a big bitch. Grown men also cry, guys.

  Met a guy who ate all his children and actually feels bad for HIMSELF. Creeped me out. Couldnʼt wait to say, ʻPeace brotha, gotta splitʼ.

  Iʼm traveling toward Satan on the cold cracking trunks of ice. Frozen tears from crying eyes, no lies.

  SATAN HAS THREE HEADS, AND THEY ARE TOTALLY EATING DUDES.

  The best solution is to climb his big frozen ass. Iʼm still gonna die. *sighs* :(

  MADE IT. SEE YOU NERDS LATER!

  Beatrice shall soon make up for a lifetime of my desperate, torrid moods.

  Gonna make looovvveeeeeee 2 ya girrrrrllll. DANTE OUT.

  I have to climb a mountain now? You got to be kidding me. Is this a joke? Who the hell came up with this story? VIIIRRRGGGILLLLLLLLLLL!

  A Hero of Our Time

  by Mikhail Lermontov

  @BAMF

  My life will be of great consequence one day. Better keep a journal.

  So here I am, in this small miserable resort. Me, an officer, with these fools. And best of all, they all love me. They adore me.

  And yet, Iʼm a true monster, a truly sinister man, the worst of them all. Iʼm like a Russian Voldemort minus Rasputin.

  My old friend Grushinsky is here. Friend, ha! I have none. He thinks I am his friend. Little does he know I am compelled to harm him.

  Who is that sublime woman? She is perfect. Oh, excellent: Grushinsky seems to like her. Iʼm going to cock-block him. How typically me.

  My plan to seduce her is simple: act like I always have better things to do, insult her, and act as though I have nothing left to live for.

  Apparently sheʼs begging for an introduction? I wonder if this kind of thing works in real life?

  Mary is smart and beautiful, and totally wants my seed. But she doesnʼt know a thing about Byron. What an idiot.

  I saw my former lover at the fountain. Sheʼs married. I didnʼt care about her until I heard that, then she became important again.

  But this other girl is important too, kind of, I think. Maybe I just like c-blocking dudes. Iʼm an asshole, arenʼt I?

  Grushinsky made a fool of himself in front of the girl. Now he has challenged me to a duel. Its OK, Iʼm always ready to die.

  Mary is totally in love with me. I guess I have to pretend to be in love with her as well.

  Thatʼs what one does, right? Even if I donʼt love her, and only plan on hurting her?

  Shot Grushinsky without mercy. I donʼt feel bad about it. Mary is leaving. NOW she canʼt stand to see me? Not sure why.

  My former lover is gone, too. But sheʼs the one I love! Always now and forever. Sheʼs gone and I need her. Seems iffy but I am convinced!

  Thatʼs it, Iʼm riding after her down the road.

  Canʼt find her anywhere. All I want to do is sit by the side of this road and cry. Iʼm a devil, Iʼm Satan, and Iʼm crying.

  I guess itʼs time to go back to the army, fall in love again, screw up some more marriages, ruin some more lives.

  Itʼs funny how people love me, canʼt get enough of me, are magnetically attracted to me, but canʼt stand me - and neither can I? What a life.

  Beowulf

  @Eazy-B

  Just swam a whole river to settle a bet. Won, of course. Now this guy must sit on my horned helmet. A betʼs a bet.

  A faraway nation has a monster they want me to kill. They better have good wine so I can get crunk! Diet Sprite is also good.

  What a bad ass monster. He likes to eat dudesʼ heads. Heads! Thatʼs intense. Ah, fuck it; Iʼll deal in the morning. Iʼve gotta crash.

  Next morning: HOLY LOKI! Heʼs eating my companions, and not just their heads.

  Quick psych eval: Iʼd blame his mother for naming him Grendel? Give me my broadsword and axe so I may slay this ugly prick.

  Nasty fight. He kept trying to block my axe with his face - now he looks like Mickey Rourke.

  Before I took Grendel out my men sodomized him, and I shat on his face. We used to do that in school, remember? (Is that messed up?)

  @Grendellocks: Bah. That was way too easy. Youʼre so dead that you canʼt even read this tweet. Fairy.

  CELEBRATION TIME!!!! I saved the town and now I get to deflower all their virgins. But first . . .

  Yawn. Speeches, speeches, speeches - theyʼre never going to end! I believe I just had another birthday. What happened to half the virgins?

  Uh oh. Grendelʼs mom showed up. She is really pissed. Wait, wait. Monsters have feelings?

  This is the thing about moms: theyʼre always scary whether you knocked up their daughter or killed their monster son.

  Oh man: she just ate a dude in ONE BITE. A big dude. Not sure about the culinary appeal of human flesh. Maybe I should try it? Nah.

  My sword is useless against her motherhood. A light-saber would make life much easier right about now.

  Yes! Caught her off guard. Captured her! Letʼs make her eat her sonʼs body? Is that messed up? We did that in school too . . .

  More partying. But now I have to go back to my wife, Helga. Sheʼs got hairy legs, never trims down there, and refuses to let me get on top.

  I just want to grow old and live out the remainder of my days in this garden, resting on my florals. Get it?

  Just got a note. I have to kill a dragon. Canʼt they leave me alone? Why do Vikings have to fight monsters, but nobody else? Not fair.

  I met the dragon, but my sword was ineffective. I failed everyoneʼs expectations and suffered a fatal wound. Iʼm also king. Ugh.

  I wish I had an heir, but sadly, my, uh, sword has failed me a third time.

  Candide

  by Voltaire

  @MoYoLawn

  If you try to bang your bossʼs daughter do you get canned? Hey, she came on to me. What is sex anyway? Iʼm clueless? And exiled.

  Pangloss got exiled too. Heʼs a deviant, exposing himself to people, sleeping with the maids. So thatʼs what experimental bio means?

  Thereʼs death everywhere, women with missing breasts, open bodies, shit on their faces. Isnʼt this world great? Itʼs the best. The very best.

  The Portuguese Inquisition wants to burn me as a sacrifice to the gods. What do they think I am, a Jew?

  Time to go to South America. Do you think there are wireless hot spots in Eldorado?

  Eldorado sucked. Who thought that Paradise would be so miserable? Plus, my girl isnʼt there, and thereʼs no Paradise without the goils.

  Weʼve acquired two new people - Martin, a pessimist, and Cacambo, a black man-slave.

  Pangloss has syphilis. Heʼs all deformed. Itʼs sad, but then you look at him and itʼs really fuckinʼ LOL.

  I found the love of my life in Europe. She was forced into a prostitution ring. White slave trade. Real Lifetime Channel stuff. Tragic.

  Crap. Sheʼs old and saggy, and used by the world. I donʼt wanna hit that, but I still love her, so I guess I will. I guess? Do I have to?

  Ev
er wonder how we get across the world so quickly in this book? Continental flies six times daily from Eldorado to Paris.

  Pangloss tells me the world is fine. Martin says it blows. Talk about conflicting viewpoints.

  @Pangloss, @Martin: What matters is that life is OK and we just have to tend to our gardens. So STFU and tend, guys.

  BTW, did you get the three garden metaphors throughout my story? Beginning, Eldorado, and the End?

  Also, my girl hasnʼt shaved in years. Now thatʼs a garden I really gotta tend to. Garden party!

  Doctor Faustus

  by Christopher Marlowe

  @HighwayToHell

  Science has begun to bore me. Why study it anymore? Itʼs all facts and figures, nothing that really stirs the soul, you dig?

  I know: Iʼll study evil instead. The occult. Sounds pretty rogue, nay?

  OH WOW! A DEMON. First try, pretty sweet. Seems Iʼm a very efficient witch doctor.

  Whoa! So Satan just walked in and said: ʻFaustus, have I got a deal for you. Take it or leave it, but itʼs a once in a lifetime thing!ʼ

  Jesus. This contract is so hardcore and ironclad that Houdini couldnʼt escape. But Satan came back and made an offer I canʼt refuse.

  I had to carve some stuff into my arm, and that kind of sucked. But as Rocky says, no pain, no gain.

  Now I get to kick it with this demon. Some men have dogs, I have a demon. Upside: he has opposable thumbs, and magic.

  @JustCallMeMrM: Alright, letʼs go do some damage. You have the costumes, Iʼll bring the vodka.

  Running around causing problems is way better than science. When women ask what I do, I tell them I live dangerously. Literally.

  I also say I have a one-way ticket to hell. Guess what that does to their panties? They disappear. No demon magic necessary! Sweet.

  All this havoc has made me tired. Iʼm old and sick. I think Iʼm dying. Now what?

  D DevilDog: Can I get out of the contract if I let you keep the deposit?

  Shit. I should have seen this coming. Buyerʼs remorse! Buyerʼs remorse!

  I never thought: ʻFaustus, at the end of your life, this is going to bite you in the ass.ʼ Thatʼs what living in the moment gets you.

  Didnʼt someone make a whole wager about this sort of thing?

  This is it. Iʼm falling into the abyss. The dark void of hell is swallowing me. Satan has come to take me! Need a little magic now.

  What an allegory! If only part of the deal was that Iʼd learned how to rock and roll real good on the guitar.

  Emma

  by Jane Austen

  @DarcyLover1815

  Have you ever convinced a good friend that they should take affection to another, but then the gentleman does truly lust after you instead?

  Perhaps I had better stop making matches. I tend to soil them royally. I really have a poor sense of people and reality.

  Jane is coming to town! I hate that bitch. Unsure of the cause. I shall assume a kindly disposition. Still, I hate that skank.

  Aha! Knew it. Sheʼs just as bad as I thought. Knightley says Iʼm jealous. IʼM NOT JEALOUS!

  Frank Churchill coming to visit also. I canʼt wait to meet him. I hear weʼd make a splendid couple. Great news. I never want to get married.

  The Churchill boy is fine. He totally wants me. I would get on that if I had any interest in him, but I certainly do not.

  I love spending time with Frank. I do hope he wants to marry me. That would be so nice. Shame, I never want to get married.

  Frank is leaving. Iʼll really miss him. I guess I love him. A little. Not enough to marry him, though.

  No. No marriage. Not for me. I donʼt want that. Definitely. Did I say Iʼm not interested? Good. Heʼs nothing to me.

  Frank is coming back!!!!!!! My heart swoons and dances at the notion! Itʼs too bad I never want to get married.

  There was a ball last night. Frank and I were grinding it every which way. Shawty got lo lo lo lo.

  Why is Frank spending so much time with Jane? When I ask he insists nothing is happening.

  @Frankfurtive: Do you promise sheʼs just a friend? Do you? Promise? Not that I care . . .

  How come I got so hot and sticky under my petticoat when I danced with Knightley? Probably best not to think about it.

  I donʼt love Frank. I should set him up with Jane even though theyʼre just friends.

  Jane and Frank were together all along? Who saw that one coming? Good thing I was never interested. Not in the least.

  You, youʼve got what I need, but you say sheʼs just a friend, you say sheʼs just a friend . . .

  The only way to take care of Knightley is to marry him.

  Isnʼt it funny how Iʼm always thinking about things I seem not to care about, people I donʼt love, and marriages I donʼt want to have?

  Enderʼs Game

  by Orson Scott Card

  @BattleFool

  School is great. Though we face alien threats, Earth is at peace. But one kid wonʼt stop making fun of me.

  Also, my older brother is a megalomaniacal sociopath who tortures me. And I want to have sex with my sister.

  Otherwise my childhood development is balanced and will lead me to psychological normalcy in later life.

  Got into a fight with that kid from school. The cops took me away, but instead of jail, Iʼm going into space. WTF?

  Itʼs a military school. I fight nonstop zero-gravity battles all day. Like laser-tag, only soul-crushing conflicts that kill my innocence.

  Why do people always pick on me? Everyone knows Iʼm the best and the smartest. I invented a new fighting technique my FIRST DAY.

  I was playing this cool video game when suddenly it busted out pics of my brother - and I died. As if Iʼm not stressed enough already.

  In charge of my own army. Havenʼt lost a battle yet. One kid wants to kill me. How does this teach me how to fight aliens?

  At times I feel inadequate but then realize Iʼm doing pretty well for an eight-year-old with a murder in my past and an army at my command.

  The battles arenʼt fair. My army is a cohesive unit of lifelong friends, but Iʼm having a breakdown. Plus I miss my sexy sister.

  Seriously, what did Kurt Vonnegut mean, ʻWe were just babiesʼ? Excuse me, my BALLS HAVENʼT EVEN DROPPED YET and I have to save the world!

  Flew over the cuckooʼs nest. Live by a lake. Military tolerates my bs. Must be pretty desperate to entrust humanityʼs future to a child.

  On to Command School. They say Iʼm ready to lead the entire human fleet against the bug-aliens. I thought Iʼd hit puberty first. Guess not.

  An old Jew says he can teach me to defeat the aliens. Yeah right. This I know: no one older than eleven can be trusted to fight these days.

  All my old friends are here! Itʼs a great reunion. Weʼre all training together.