Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  The training keeps getting harder, and everyone seems so anxious. I wonder what itʼll be like to fight the REAL war?

  Final exam day. Everyoneʼs so anxious. The Old Jew says Iʼll battle him today. But heʼs not at a computer. Now Iʼm really anxious.

  Has anyone ever committed genocide by accident? Long story short: there goes my sanity. Finally. Thanks, military-industrial complex.

  The only way to repent for my crime is to tell the aliensʼ story. I will become the tweeter for the dead. Also, I finally hit puberty. uuuu

  Great Expectations

  by Charles Dickens

  @piMp

  My sister is such a bitch! And her husband, talk about pussy-whipped. Iʼm going out on the marshes. I hate this place.

  The walk was a bad idea. I met a prisoner who demanded bread and a file. He looks like a pederast. And a murderer. Amber alert?

  I have to sit in the crazy womanʼs house. She lives in the basement, sits in the same clothes. Her fiancé really dodged a bullet there.

  Her granddaughter Estella is pretty hot. Sheʼs ten. Iʼm ten, too. All she does is make fun of me. Maybe itʼs my name.

  I whupped a kid in the garden. He wanted to box, so I boxed his head. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Taught Sonny Liston a lesson.

  Iʼm an adult now. Someone left a huge wad of cash in my name. Do I hear London calling the faraway towns?

  Remember that kid I beat up? Heʼs my roommate, and get this, he says HE won the fight. Mhm, yeah, right, both he and George Foreman.

  Kids here are all assholes. Odd, but I slowly feel myself becoming a snob. Maybe itʼs the tweed jacket?

  I think that old woman in the basement left me the money. I ran into her granddaughter last night. Maybe sheʼll show me some ankle.

  My roommate is a drag. He keeps ankle-blocking me. Iʼll have a talk with him; ʻBro, Iʼm trying to get the anger-bang on this girl, GTFO.ʼ

  My sisterʼs husband came to visit. What a classless country-swine. Doesnʼt even know how to tie a proper cravat.

  Estella keeps hanging around with other gentledudes. My heart . . . hurts . . . is this what they call love?

  Shes a coquette, a flirt. I canʼt tell who she likes. I canʼt predict whatʼs coming next! What am I dealing with?

  Heavens. My financial benefactor was the criminal. The murdering pederast from the beginning. Glad I canceled the alert.

  Iʼm starting to forget my roots. Iʼm an asshole.

  Iʼm in my old town with a crazy Gollum-like guy following me. I wanna throw a rock at him, but I think thatʼs assault. Anyone pre-law?

  Estella is staying in her grandmaʼs castle. That family is action-packed with issues. Like grandma like granddaughter.

  I love her, but if sheʼs sitting alone in a castle thereʼs something wrong with the girl. I donʼt want to marry Sylvia Plath over here.

  Heart of Darkness

  by Joseph Conrad

  @JungleFever

  Did you know that back in the day Romans traveled along the Thames in wooden rowboats? Crazy, huh?

  Out of work again - economy is tough. My aunt says she can get me a job, but itʼs so embarrassing accepting help from women.

  Women really are naïve! Can you imagine if they were allowed to run the world? Disaster! Luckily thatʼll never happen in good old England.

  Heading down to Africa on a boat. Too hot! I get the creeping sense this job isnʼt going to be as cushy as they made it sound.

  The natives seem unhappy. Some are even violent! Why donʼt they appreciate how much weʼve done for them? Ungrateful welfare leeches, I say!

  Boatʼs broken. Stuck at camp. These bureaucrats are turds. Whole operation is an oppressive disaster. I donʼt want to talk to anybody.

  Keep hearing about this ʻunorthodoxʼ Kurtz guy. Sounds interesting. Probably never overtweets about trivialities. My kind of man.

  Boat fixed. Time to find out what Kurtz is up to. Hope ʻunorthodox methodsʼ doesnʼt mean buggery. Or worse - if thatʼs possible.

  NATIVES THROWING SHIT AT ME. CUT IT OUT!

  Doc says that spending time with black savages makes your brain shrink. Oh well.

  Consumed by Jungle. Madness seeps into me. Must find Kurtz before I lose my mind to overwhelming terror. This isnʼt Disneyʼs jungle ride.

  Found Kurtz. He rules the natives as king. Took one as a wife. His madness is a new mental condition. Letʼs call it ʻjungle feverʼ. ROFL.

  Kurtz dead. His lover abandoned him. I oversaw his death. Last words either ʻthe horrorʼ or that his woman was ʻa whoreʼ. Hard to tell.

  Back in Europe. Feel as if I look forever into that immense heart of . . . what? Shadows? Night? Gloom? Something pitch black?

  Must see Kurtzʼs fiancée. Ugh, the lack of women in Africa has spoiled me.

  She demands to know his last words. But women are too stupid to know the truth. Must she be lied to? Help me out.

  @Betrothed: He said . . . your name. Isnʼt that nice? Thatʼs how the world works: like a cute, predictable love story. Are you happy now?

  So about the Thames: I can get a boat. Anyone up for a quick pleasure cruise?

  King Lear

  by William Shakespeare

  @HiLEARious

  Look upon how much my daughters do loveth me. One day this kingdom will all be theirsth!

  What? Cordelia loves me only as much as she should? What effrontery! For that sheʼll get naught. Nada. Zip.

  King of France took Cordelia. ʻLoveʼ or somesuch - as if she knows what that is! Luckily, Goneril and Regan love dear old Dad.

  Alright, Iʼm leaving, and taking a crew with me. Me and my boyz will be fine. Just fine.

  What, my ungrateful girls are kicking me out? Iʼll be cold and homeless. This sucketh. Very unexpected. Am I right?

  Seriously. They SAID THEY LOVED ME. I really do not get it. Who lies just because they know it will win them land and power??

  I guess compared to ʻRonaldʼ and ʻGonorrheaʼ, Cordelia wasnʼt so bad. What a Shakespearean twist of events!

  They jail me, they betray me. I hear the French may come and put an end to this madness, though. Gloucester has it all worked out.

  Ah! Spoke too soon. Gloucesterʼs ʻvile jellyʼ had to be removed. And by ʻvile jellyʼ I mean his eyeballs.

  Clearly the best possible solution is to run around naked on a hill in a thunderstorm. Goddamn, these winds do sorely rustle my privates.

  Even if my heirs werenʼt evil, dividing a major nation into several arbitrary bordering factions is a pretty bad idea to begin with, huh?

  This infighting has become vicious. @Kent, @Edmund,@Albany: Quit this! Too much intrigue for a confused old man!

  Cordelia and I captured by Edmund. This is the part where we get rescued, right?

  Cordelia is very weak, but yet the feather stirs - she lives!

  Nix that - Cordelia dead :(

  I am overcome with grief. Other two daughters also dead. Well, donʼt REALLY care. A great turn-around from earlier! A Dickensian twist, no?

  Everyoneʼs managed to kill off each other. Now Albany thinks I should retake the throne, but I feel so very very tired ...

  Lysistrata

  by Aristophanes

  @PussyWhip

  This war is just too absurd. We canʼt go on this way.

  Whatʼs something we can leverage against men? Whatʼs the one thing weʼre good for again? Itʼs on the tip of my tongue . . .

  @WomynOfGreece: No sleeping with your husbands until they agree not to fight anymore.

  This should work well. After all, you come home from the war, all you want is a beer and blow job. Imagine if you could only have a beer?

  @WomynOfGreece: If they force you, remember, no legs to the ceiling. NO ORGASMS. That gives them the power. And we canʼt have that now can we?

  @WomynOfGreece: You also have to give up the Lioness on the Cheese Grater. I know itʼs great, but lay off it for a bit.

  Men are back. Storm the Acropolis!!! We can
have a sit-in. Or a lock-down. Like a sitting pussy lock-down.

  We shouldnʼt stay at the Acropolis together too long though. We might get on the same cycle. That would mean a mess for the sit-in.

  You think men at war have it bad, we just sit here, waiting to service them. Then they leave for a decade. And batteries not invented yet.

  Talk about hit-and-quit. Then I have to raise yoʼ baby!

  Our men are going nuts. Itʼs really working. Theyʼre horny as hell - and no war in sight.

  Letʼs see if we can get them to agree to some absurd shit. Maybe theyʼll let us vote, have jobs, own property. Equal rights win, perhaps?

  Letʼs piss them off even more and lock ourselves in the Acropolis again.

  Can you believe that theyʼre already getting some peace-contracts ready? What men wonʼt do for sex . . . Jeez.

  Time to overcome our differences and just get it on. Sexual healing sounds good? Right now! Thank Athena, I feel so hollow.

  Whooooo, party in the Acropolis!!! Weʼre going streaking through the forum and into the temple!!!

  After all, we really just want some action. If we fought wars and men came up with this plan, peace would have come much sooner . . .

  In Cold Blood

  by Truman Capote

  @PerrySmith

  Dick and I off to rob some rich farmers. I donʼt care to do it so much, but Dick insists and I usually just listen to him.

  Uh oh. Farmers had no money so I shot them point blank with a shotgun. I canʼt help it. Mother didnʼt love me, so I have to kill people.

  (Sometimes I just want to go to Mexico and hunt treasure in the ocean. Iʼm not a total failure; I have dreams and aspirations!)

  @ClutteredReporting

  Big news! Gentle family of four murdered in small Kansas town! Seems like a good opportunity for some reporting. #bignews #crime #mycareer

  @PerrySmith

  On the run. Dick conning us all the money we need. Heʼs so powerful and in control. Even though heʼs illiterate, I am . . . drawn to his manliness.

  I have this dream where a giant bird kills all the mean

  people who make me murder families. Wish a giant bird would come save me IRL.

  Got picked up by the law. Why wonʼt The Man just leave me alone?? Canʼt they see Iʼm real educated, and Dick is the stupid criminal?

  @ClutteredReporting

  My Southern background and career as a New York literary homosexual will no doubt win me the trust and favor of these Midwestern farmers.

  @PerrySmith

  In prison. This nice man from New York wants to know my story - think he will help me go free by telling my side.

  I guess the Clutters were actually a nice family, and their death has wounded this town and the police who investigated the crime.

  But really, I wish a giant bird would just kill them and carry me off to paradise.

  Sentenced to death. Whenʼs the reporter going to finish his book?? A lot of weird people on death row.

  Out of appeals. Hurry up with that book! Dear Truman Capote, itʼs really not fair, everyone here has a social disease!

  Ah well - too late! Sorry to everybody, I guess. Honestly, I canʼt decide much of anything for myself. Maybe that was my problem?

  @ClutteredReporting

  Famous! Book a big hit with everyone except all those involved. End is a bit gruesome though, maybe add a sentimental scene at a graveyard.

  A shame this book has lost me all of my friends. If only I was less obsessed with work I wouldnʼt be so alone, so terribly fat and alone.

  Made some new friends. Answer to my prayers. I had to promise Iʼd never write about them. I can live with that.

  Medea

  by Euripides

  @GoldenFarce

  Finally moved into the new place. Jason can find a respectable job, Iʼll stay home and raise the kids. Life is finally looking up!

  Seems ʻrespectable jobʼ means screwing the kingʼs daughter. Not cool. Need to consult my girlfriends.

  Good, the gals stand outside my house all the time. The constant chanting is creepy, but all agree: Jason crossing the line!

  When he gets home weʼll talk. Iʼm sure we can work it out. But whatʼs the best way to approach this? Any advice, anyone? #wackrelationships

  He says he ʻhas toʼ marry her because weʼre ʻwanted criminalsʼ and we need ʻprotectionʼ. Yelled at him. Lots. He doesnʼt listen!

  Checked Kosmo, but all hot Spartan sex tips, no advice for what to do when refugee husband marries another woman because he loves you.

  I feel a bit of the LOCO coming on! Mood swings and witchcraft: two things every femme fatale needs.

  D Jason: Hey baby, come home. I made a gift for your wedding. I ainʼt mad anymore baby, I promise.

  LOL, he totally bought it. Yeah, itʼs a nice dress - with POISON. Isnʼt that funny? My girlfriends donʼt think so. Theyʼre weirded out.

  D KingOfAthens: Can I crash at your place? Please? Promise, or Iʼll kill you with my magic just like I killed the king of Corinth.

  Canʼt. Stand. The. Chanting. Why do I always get the chorus of criticism?! Some friends!!

  Uh-oh. Jason is home and heʼs pissed.

  Ran inside with a sword before Jason could stop me. Didnʼt want the kids to hear us arguing, so I took them to a better place - the freezer.

  Jason very unhappy I murdered the children. Told him to go bury HIS WIFE! I thought it was a great comeback but it didnʼt help.

  Dad sent me some dragons. Iʼm gone. Jason can deal with his own shit. Iʼm off to Athens. Maybe THEY can handle an independent woman!

  I swear Iʼm not crazy, Iʼm just passionate. I just want respect. I just want to be loved . . .

  Nineteen Eighty-Four

  by George Orwell

  @Ratatouille

  London is a totally ridiculous place these days. (I actually mean ridiculous in a totalitarian way. Best keep this to myself.)

  Whatʼs with slogans like ʻWar Is Peaceʼ? Do only I see they make no sense? Seems someone in government is on a very big opposites kick.

  I found a little journal and a tiny place in my room where Big Brother ISNʼT watching. Now I can record my dissident thoughts/jerk it.

  Look, brother, if I wanted to be WATCHED doing my dirty business, Iʼd make a sex tape. Oh? You already have it?

  God I hate rats. Itʼs important that you know how much I hate rats, because I really, really hate rats.

  At work; dullsville. How can rewriting history be fun if youʼre betraying the timeless ideal of truth? Letʼs see: Truth Is Lies?

  Disregard last tweet. Need to keep those bad thoughts out of my head, otherwise Iʼll have to make a trip to the Ministry of Love.

  P.S. By ʻLoveʼ they mean imprisonment, execution, and unspeakable torture. In that order. Like I said, opposites are the new white.

  Met a drab hot girl today. Slipped me a note saying she loved me. Romance is forbidden because everything good in this society is bad. Hmm.