Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  Aramis wants to be a priest. Maybe I shouldnʼt have said all that nasty stuff about the clergy and little boys?

  Iʼm gonna be an officer. Who knew this comedy of errors and bodies and sex could lead a poor boy to the title of officer?

  Good things always seem to happen to the picaresque, donʼt they? Huh, sometimes life is just great. And I have these new friends.

  Twilight

  by Stephenie Meyer

  @TheSecondSexist

  Iʼm a teenage girl hoping to make friends at a new school in a new town. This should be fascinating! Oh, the weather sucks.

  Wow, Iʼm all of a sudden really popular! This is a twist on the popular trope, isnʼt it? Oh, except this TOTALLY HOT guy says I smell bad.

  He makes vulgar, offensive faces at me with his wanton, profound eyes. Itʼs a cliché for me to fall. But why fight it? He is so very fine.

  His face burns in my mind, and his hands seem crafted by God himself. I surrender.

  I knew it. He just wants to be friends. (Notice how our relationship now seems unique for that reason.)

  So Iʼm out walking and BAM, a car almost runs me over except that my new ʻfriendʼ shoves it out of the way with his bare hands.

  Hey, anyone know what disease causes frigid skin, no need for food, and fear of light? Vitiligo universalis, like MJ had? Or is it death?

  Pretty boy is a vampire. A bit obvious, but I still feel such a hormonal pull. Heʼs pure pussy magnet.

  Today I asked if he only liked me because of my tits. He said no, itʼs the smell of my blood. FML.

  I like him ʼcause he can read everybodyʼs mind, but not mine. Maybe if he stopped staring at my tits . . . I donʼt care. Heʼs so dreamy.

  He says heʼs part of a no-killing-humans club. I hope heʼs not just saying this to get me into bed.

  A bad vampire tried to kill me. He threatened to murder my mother, too. See? There IS some action in this story.

  The bad vamp managed to bite me but my guy took him out and cured me. That was resolved quickly. Well, now we can be together.

  I hope he doesnʼt bite during sex, that would really suck.

  Oh, what do I tell my family? You canʼt introduce a vampire the same way you introduce an artist or a vagrant.

  Since he is a vampire and I am a human, weʼll have to work at our relationship. I am ready to make sacrifices, thoʼ not BE sacrificed. Clear?

  My life lately has been a bit like a lonely girlʼs slightly creepy juvenile sex fantasy. But at least it really happened!!!

  @YoungGirls: If a guy is hot enough, itʼs OK if heʼs also a blood-sucking creep. Completely subordinate yourself and accommodate him. Worth it.

  Good thing this happened. Otherwise it would just have been a 40 yr old me, a bottle of cheap wine, and a whole bag of issues.

  Moby-Dick

  by Herman Melville

  @greatwhitetale

  Call me Ishmael. You could call me something else if you want, but since thatʼs my name, it would make sense to call me Ishmael.

  You know what Iʼve always wanted to do? Work on a whale boat. I know I used to be a schoolteacher, but now I want to kill whales.

  Met a man who says he can get me a job on the boat of a Captain Ahab. Traveling to Massachusetts to see.

  My friend is a huge Polynesian harpoon-man. Seems all of Ahabʼs harpoon-handlers are such. Black spear-chuckers. Is that a problem?

  On the boat. Something strange is going on. The Captain has a leg made out of a whale bone, and the crew seems terrified of him.

  Captain obsessed with finding a whale called Moby Dick. Sounds like the meanest VD ever, if you ask me. Sorry. Old joke. Couldnʼt resist.

  Ahab wants to hunt the whale. Starbuck says we must pursue profitable biz ventures. Argument ensued. Passion defeated capitalism. Go figure.

  We set out. Follow @Starbuck, @Queequeg for long introspective soliloquies on the human soul. Or @Tashtego if you like adorable kittens.

  The crew members really do reflect a gathering of all the spirits of the American experience. The ʻGreatʼ American experience?

  Turns out Ahab had his own secret whale-boat crew here. One of the guys seems to be running the show, Rasputin-style.

  Anyone follow @Pip? Heʼs a smart guy. You think itʼs a joke that I tell you a little black man is brilliant? Nor smile so, twit.

  Ran into other ships. Usually you get to play games, but Ahab is kind of a stuffed shirt and only asks, ʻOh hey. You seen Moby Dick?ʼ

  Queequeg is very sick. Please pray for him. This is serious. A coffin is being made for him at this very moment.

  Never mind. The Q ʻchanged his mindʼ and will be living after all. The coffin is being retrofit into a lifeboat. Irony!

  Ah ha! Someone has seen the white whale. Itʼs about time everyone STFU about the human condition and we saw some ACTION.

  Found the whale. We have begun to chase it. I suspect this clash of titans wonʼt end well - for us.

  And if his chest were a cannon, he would have launched his heart upon the whale. A bit self-defeating? Is that the point? Can you fathom it?

  Youʼd think several boats of highly experienced whale-hunters wouldnʼt get schooled so badly by a big dumb whale. Oh well. Game over.

  By game over, I mean everyone is dead but me. Iʼm adrift on what was supposed to be Queequegʼs coffin. Like I said, IRONY.

  Itʼs kind of cold out here. Can somebody come pick me up? Please? Anybody . . .

  Don Quixote

  by Miguel de Cervantes

  @DonQuixotic

  People say that sleep deprivation, isolation, and too much reading have made me loopy. But I say nay! Nay!!!

  I am a noble knight on a quest! Where is my trusty horse Rocinante - like Bucephalus with syphilis.

  I am going full-creeper and giving a girl I love a special secret nickname without her even knowing about it.

  Iʼll call her Dulcinea. Get it? Like Dulce del Coochayyyy.

  A castle! No drawbridge. Pretty, pretty shabby if you ask moi. Iʼll ask the owner to knight me.

  Is it bizarre that the owner of a castle is wearing patched overalls and has a corn husk pipe? Not very classy for a king.

  He has knighted me! When the ladies ask who I am Iʼll say: Quixote, Don Quixote. Some traders have insulted my woman!

  Fight didnʼt end well. Asshole neighbor brought me back home.

  By Merlinʼs balls! A wizard, my niece claims, has taken our library away with magic. No more books for me :(

  I promised some Sancho Villa mo-fo his own island if he helped me escape my niece so I could continue my quest.

  Iʼm off on my journey!

  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING GIANTS DOING. HOLY SHIT THEY HAVE 4 FUCKING SPINNING ARMS!!!

  People say I have to pay my debts, but a Don donʼt pay squat!

  Today a man said to me: Don Quixote, I wanted to thank you for inviting me to your daughter’s wedding on the day of your daughter’s wedding.

  For Justice, we must go to Don Quixote. OK, enough Brando jokes.

  So today Santo Paco, Pablo, Taco Bell - whatever his name is - brought three peasants and said they were Dulcinea and her maids.

  Well Pablo Panzo, all I see are three whores!! LIAR!!!

  Oh who am I kidding? This is a barberʼs bowl, not a helmet. And this horse blows.

  Iʼm just some guy Alonso with illusions of grandeur. I donʼt feel so well. Itʼs time to go to bed, time to sleep.

  The Canterbury Tales

  by Geoffrey Chaucer

  @AprilFools

  Road trip guys. Whoʼs with us? Send me a parchment if youʼre in need of spiritual healing.

  Thereʼs a Knight and his son. This guyʼs horse is like a tank. Better to tarry at its south end than court danger.

  Next is the Yeoman, whoʼs so tan and full of hair he lookes like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

  Thereʼs a Nun. She meprises Jews. Itʼs awkward riding with an anti-Semite, because if weʼre bored sheʼll say, ʻLetʼ
s kill some Jews.ʼ

  Also, she should be charitable, but she likes food. Sheʼs kind of a hypocrite. Didnʼt like my joke about the nunnery that blows up.

  Thereʼs also the Friar. He HATES the Summoner, theyʼre always talking shite before each otherʼs necks.

  Today the Friar was like, ʻHey, how about that Summoner, isnʼt he terrible?ʼ Also heʼs a bit of a vagrant hobo. Basically he smells.

  The Franklin just wonʼt quit his talke - always interrupting people.

  We also have a Haberdasheerere in our group. Heʼs pretty boring, he makes socks. Not saying heʼs gay, though.

  Oh and the Wyfe of Bathe. Talk about a woman who likes to be perced to the roote.

  She got laide at her husbandʼs funeral. A man filled her body upon the grave of her spouse. Ill in the head, no?

  She probablie has many venereal sicknesses, her profession is being a wife. Everyone else has titles or jobs and sheʼs just a wife?

  The Miller likes sodomy. ʼTis all he talkes about. Ass-faugh this, colon-blast that.

  The Miller likes not the quaint of a woman, but the arse. He tolde a joke about a red-hot poker.

  And then thereʼs Chaucer. He cannot tell a story to save his lyfe.

  ʼTwas so bade that we had to shut him up. Canʼt he just give it a rest?

  This trip sucks. I wish I had my N64. Mayhaps thereʼll be one in Canterbury. I hear thereʼs also a meddlesome priest. Could be fun.

  Sgt Pepperʼs Lonely Hearts Club Band

  by The Beatles

  @LetItTweet

  It was 20 years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play. And by Pepper, I mean Brian, the Devil to whom we sold our souls for fame.

  Anyone following @BillyShears? He replaced that friend we had, you know, our friend who is . . . no longer with us. But donʼt tell anyone.

  Itʼs a lot of fun just hanging out with your friends. Driving around, trying to be something, having a laugh, smoking a J, hallucinating.

  This morning my kid went on and on about how I had to see the painting he did. Decided to take some LSD instead. I see Japanese women.

  I was going to write a poem in dactylic tetrameter, but then I got high. Now Iʼm wearing glass around my neck, and I know why.

  I used to be an abusive tyrant. Rockinʼ out, getting high, beating my woman. But now Iʼm better. Or at least no worse.

  This morning my father told me I had to fix a hole in the roof. If Iʼm a carpenter, that makes him a walrus. Will the real Paul stand up?

  But then Paul McCartney said - nothing, you idiot, Paul McCartneyʼs dead. His corpse is locked in my basement.

  My neighbor ran away from home this morning, before dawn. £20 says she ends up in the white slave trade.

  My parents made me go to the circus. Saw an impressive horse, and a man who undertakes summersets through hoops of fire.

  Meant to buy a car today. Got distracted and bought a sitar instead. Itʼs a great instrument for faux depth, and looks like a large cock.

  Asked my woman today if she would leave me if I became a 64-year-old raging alcoholic. Says donʼt worry: she wonʼt live that long.

  Saw a lovely woman, dressed like an army man. Sheʼs a meter maid. Calls herself Rita. I think Iʼll ʻtowʼ her heart. Sorry.

  Almost got laid whilst sitting on the couch with Ritaʼs two sisters. Unless a foursome is in the works, this is pretty awkward.

  Good morning, twittersphere!

  So Iʼd like to keep on tweeting, but sadly I am told that it is time to go - the internet is only a sometimes thing, you know?

  Stuck in traffic. Everyone rubbernecking this guy. Lordy, I believe I know him from somewhere.

  Woke up, combed my hair, caught the bus, had correct change. Got to work on time, had a crap and a smoke and a nap. My life is average.

  GGGGGOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG, bzz, bzzz, bzzzz - how long do you think we can hold this piano chord after the albumʼs over . . . ?

  Glossary

  A guide to this book’s obscure and esoteric terminologies and idioms for the benefit of luddites and old-timers that they may understand and enjoy the humor and wordplay herein contained.

  <3

  An icon of affection, representing a heart. Also used super-ironically because what kind of idiot uses the heart icon? Right?

 
  An icon of annoyance, representing a broken heart. Also used super-ironically because what kind of idiot uses the heart icon? Right?

  ʻ2ʼ and other digits

  To be understood as they are pronounced, rather than for their numeric value. Hence: ‘I am going 2 the store’, and ‘This mysterious, poorly wrapped, ticking box is 4 you.’ However, before this box can be opened, I must depart. ‘See you l8r.’

  AARP

  Literally, American Association of Retired Persons, though often confused with American Association of Retarded Peoples, which bears a similar acronym. Its free, non-voluntary membership is a sure sign that you are now, in fact, old. No more denying it. Welcome to your Golden Years.

  Amber alert

  A California invention. When a child is abducted, the make, model, and license number of the abductor’s car are displayed on large LED signs on the highway. This is presumably intended to make the perpetrator somewhat uncomfortable and perhaps compel him to pull over and contemplate the inevitable as he glances around awkwardly (and conspicuously) beneath the sign that describes him.

  Ana/Mia/Bug

  The three major body-image disorders, commonly referred to as ‘anorexia nervosa’, ‘the ox hunger’, and ‘turning into a giant insect’.

  BAMF

  Literally, ‘Bad Ass Motha’ Fucka’ ’. A certain type of gentleman whose sheer manliness, coupled with a disregard for law and society, inspires matrimonial amnesia in the women he encounters, and fear in all. As in, ‘The guy is one BAMF - I can’t tell if he’s going to kill me, or just nail my wife!’

  BDSM

  Bondage-Domination Sadomasochism. All men, somewhere in the course of their sexual lives, have felt the impulse to get a bit aggressive. A small slap, a bit of a choke - in the heat of passion, these little impulses sometimes bubble to the surface and, sometimes, enhance the experience. However, some people, finding themselves possessed by an excess of this sentiment, venture further - chains, knives, beatings, burning - all met not only with their own pleasure, but with that of their partner as well. And thus, with these ideas in mind, and a bit of black leather, BDSM was born for all strange men’s pleasure, and all the world’s laughter.

  BFF

  Literally, ‘best friends forever’. Actually, the use of this term is a reliable indicator that the user belongs to the 11- to 15-year-old girl/Jonas Brothers fan demographic, meaning your ‘best friend’ will be a ‘total slut’ when your boyfriend gets her pregnant in senior year. So much for forever.

  Bone/bang/hit it/frogged etc.

  The carnal expression of the spirit of Venus: to enjoy the consummation of affection, to make love, to get it on.

  Brb

  Be right back.

  Bro

  Just a typical guy. Enjoys shorts and a plain T-shirt. Likes a good game of pick-up basketball, or some Sunday afternoon football. Would love some barbeque and a beer. Will put Rohypnol in your drink and molest you in his frat house if he gets a chance.