Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  Bromance

  A bonding of the spirits of two heterosexual men. They go everywhere together, paint each other’s nails, and stay up late drinking beers and sharing secrets. But there is nothing sexual about this relationship. Nothing. At. All.

  BTW

  ‘By the way’, as in ‘I throw this last bit in as an afterthought, hoping you won’t notice it. But my guilty conscience forces me to at least mention that I have been copulating with your sister.’

  Cock-block

  To physically or metaphorically prevent another’s phallus from arriving at its intended goal - usually by ‘stepping on a brother’s game’ so that the lady of his affections never exposes the aforementioned goal to begin with.

  Crunk

  ‘Crazy drunk’. Similar to normal drunk, but possessing a daring young edge. To shout, ‘I GET CRUNK EVERY DAY!’ is to affirm one’s place at the cutting edge of super-hip youth, whereas to shout, ‘I GET DRUNK EVERY DAY!’ is quite sad, and a reliable indicator of life-long alcoholism.

  CTFO

  ‘Chill the fuck out’ - as in ‘While my own expression may seem rather unsettled, I find your behavior unacceptably overwrought, and would suggest that, if you simply calm yourself, you may find this alleviates much of the situation’s apparent intensity. CTFO, man.’

  Douche

  One of them new curse words them kids use nowadays. Implies the person in question is - worse than merely the exit point for feces - a device used for washing the pudenda.

  DTF

  ‘Down to fuck’, as in ‘Although I have only just seen that woman walk through the door, were she to approach and ask bluntly, “Would you like to return to my apartment and have sexual intercourse?”, I would reply, “Indeed! I am, after all, down to fuck.”’

  Emo

  ‘Emotional’, specifically, the junior high school student fond of wearing box-framed glasses and all-black skinny jeans, and listening to Dashboard Confessional. Not old enough to be a hipster, or to have become fashionably apathetic à la Dostoevsky. The Emo Kid has arrived at the tender age of fourteen and has, as a consequence, realized that the upper-middle-class American private-school urban lifestyle is the most terrible and oppressive on Earth. They intend to let everybody know.

  Epic fail

  A popular internet term used to describe an ironic twist of events that, if the term is to be taken literally, is so immense it shall be sung about by poets for ages to come.

  Flickr

  A website in which several thousand aspirants to the crown of photography’s ‘next big thing’ upload an unlimited number of images captured on the digital camera their parents bought them because going to that summer program really showed their commitment to photography. At least until next month.

  FML

  ‘Fuck my life’. Made popular by a website of the same name, this tag is used to denote little anecdotes of humorous misfortune. Most usually, the loss of a significant other, an affair, the blunders of one’s parents, and the pitfalls of school and office politics.

  Freud, Sigmund

  Infamous cocaine addict and pederast. Also, a convenient stooge for any joke involving sex, one’s mother, or (preferably) a combination of the two.

  FTW

  ‘For the win’. To commit to an undertaking (or to comment on another’s) with great exuberance, expressing the grandeur of the task, and noting that you believe its successful execution will be an accomplishment of importance and note. ‘I went to the tanning salon, and got TEN BOTTLES OF SPRAY-ON FTW.’

  Ginger

  An individual with orange or red hair. While there is nothing inherently strange about this, some find the idea that their pubic hair might also be bright red endlessly funny. As a result, an entire culture of comedy now exists surrounding these poor, ridiculous carrot-tops.

  GTFO

  ‘Get the fuck out’, as in ‘Sir! This building is on fire, and the men who have come to extinguish the flames are, in fact, assassins sworn on a blood oath to torture and kill you. Also, I need some privacy so that it is not awkward when your recent ex-girlfriend emerges from my bedroom wearing a sheet. In short, GTFO!’

  Hipster

  An indescribably happening youngster. Highly ironic, extremely elusive - whereas counter-cultures of times past proudly identified themselves as members of their particular subculture, a hipster is a scholar of half-understood memories from a community college philosophy elective, at once loudly advertising their hipster status in clothing, transportation, taste and cigarette choice, while loudly denying their status as a hipster, until one is led to believe that not one of them actually exists. Semiotics, man, yeah, that’s deep.

  iPhone

  An electronic device that is, if you didn’t already know (like, uh, what kind of loser are you?), basically the best thing bequeathed to mankind by kindly Steven Jobs from up on Mount Olympus. You didn’t know that? Well, have you got a couple of hours? Because I’ve got some really cool apps I’d like to show you . . .

  IRL

  ‘In real life’, as opposed to this imaginary one, which you have been enacting digitally as a way of compensating for your overwhelming physical, mental and artistic inadequacies.

  Jerk It

  To yank the chain, to do the Han Solo, to fasten the chin strap on the helmet of love, to take a load off, to be left to your own devices, to clean your rifle, to charm the snake, to flog the bishop, to ‘do’ your ‘homework’, to liquidate the inventory, to paint the pickle, to play five-on-one, to pull yourself by your own bootstrap, to scour the tower of power, to shake the sauce, to shake hands with Abe Lincoln, to stroke the carrot, to unload the gun, to yank the plank, to practice your wrist aero- bics, to rub yourself until you have an orgasm.

  Kick it

  Much like ‘hanging out’ or ‘chilling’. However, whereas those two terms refer to a state of relative contentment with present activities and company, ‘kicking it’ is an existential condition in which the homies are confronted with a lack of ‘essence’, and, as a result, are forced to confront the hollow-ness of their very lives. Inspires frustration and desire for more, but these feelings are rarely sufficient motivation to achieve transcendence. To be avoided at all costs.

  LOL

  Literally, ‘laughing out loud!’ The internet is a strange place, and in the format of cold text the important things - laughter, tears, tone and expression - are often lost. Luckily, quick acronyms such as this remedy the problem by allowing the other party to know that you are truly struck by their wit, and are involuntarily screeching in celebration of this fact.

  Lulz

  The essence of web-based comedy. When many individual acts of ‘LOL’, emanating from behind a million keyboards across the world, bind together in bonds of comedy and joy so mighty that only omnipotence could break them, a network is formed that brings mirth to all who seek it. This is the Lulz.

  Mack

  To practice the art of seduction. To speak with grace and charm, usually to a member of the fair sex, such that she might relinquish her girlish fears and take one as a lover. To keep it real with the bitches, as it were.

  MILF

  A woman of a certain age with whom one would enjoy a good roll in the hay. Literally, ‘Mother I’d like to fuck’, although such language really isn’t the sort of thing you should use around your or anybody else’s mother. Then again, neither is your penis.

  Nads

  A man’s testicles. There is nothing funny about these.

  NM (or N/M)

  ‘Never mind’: ‘As I have already wasted enough of my and your time with words now rendered irrelevant, I cannot bring myself to waste yet more with a multi-syllabic notification of the retraction. Hence, NM.’

  OMG

  ‘Ah, dear Providence! In your gentle stewardship of the Earth, I am unnerved that such a situation as the one I now confront could be your handiwork, and thus, I cry out reflexively to you for explanation and comfort: Oh my god!’

  Peace
, bitches

  ‘Farewell, my gentle companions.’

  Pinko

  A Communist. Or perhaps a socialist. I’m not sure what the difference is, but they’re both no-good, anti-American, if you ask me.

  Pls

  Please. Without the vowels, it loses a bit of the sincerity and effort one would normally associate with a request that requires polite language, but perhaps the other party appreciates such brevity as it allows them to embark upon the desired act more quickly.

  Preggers/pregz

  The lady is with child.

  Punkʼd

  To walk into what one believes is an actual catastrophe, but which ends with a dog-faced bro jumping out from behind a bush, laughing and waving a camera as you realize your folly on national television.

  PWNT/PWND

  Technically a contraction of ‘owned’, with the ‘o’ intentionally mistyped as a ‘p’; as in ‘bested’ or ‘I have defeated you.’ Colloquially, ‘I am a child/video game enthusiast/fraternity brother and could think of nothing more clever to say. But yet, as it is, I am still your superior in the battle of wits at hand.’

  ROFL

  Sometimes a simple ‘LOL’ is not enough. Upping the comedic ante to a much higher level, ‘rolling on the floor laughing’ at first challenges the honesty that is vital to textual expressions of emotion. How, after all, can one type if one is indeed on the floor, prostrating oneself before the Gods of Comedy? One realizes quickly, however, that such expressions are metaphorical; the typist still sits safely behind his keyboard, while it is his soul that turns and turns upon the ground, possessed by the spirit of mirth.

  Shawty, in the act of ʻgettinʼ loʼ

  Shawty, a sexually liberated woman of striking and enticing appearance, making herself low, presumably in proximity with the dance floor, so as to demonstrate her virtuosic mastery of the physical motion that could be applied back at your place.

  STFU

  ‘Shut the fuck up’. Really, do.

  Tweet

  To emit a small chirping sound, in the manner of a bird. Used to describe the posting of a message on Twitter.com - ‘Of course I know about Todd Palin’s daughter - I tweeted about the whole scandal yesterday! Aren’t you following me?’

  TXT

  To text, as in to send a text message. This act is most often performed on the road, because to speak on a cell phone while driving is generally illegal, while looking down at a small screen and typing is, obviously, much safer.

  Web MD

  Technically, a website replete with medical knowledge from both textbooks and professionals that greatly aids in the dissemination of useful medical information, and that serves as a useful alternative to the long waits and steep bills occasioned by visiting an actual doctor. More commonly, a place where hypochondriacs may exacerbate their condition and spend hours obsessing over the possible ways they might be dying that day.

  W/e

  Whatever.

  ʻWord up!ʼ, ʻRepresent!ʼ, etc.

  A series of semi-intelligible phrases most often yelled by Anglo-Saxons aspiring for minority status. Translates roughly to ‘I am here! Yes, look at me!’

  WTF

  ‘What the fuck?!’, as in ‘I am quite shocked to discover you, my wife, in the bed of my fiercest friend and dearest rival! Indeed, my reaction is a combination of surprise, confusion, rage and sorrow. What the fuck?!’

  YouTube

  Similar to television, except free, two-directional, accessible to everyone, and has more than a million shows to watch. However, there is still nothing good on right now.

  A few lines

  Cocaine.

  Bump

  Cocaine.

  Bushbait

  Cocaine.

  Colombian marching powder

  Cocaine.

  Miracle powder

  Cocaine.

  Nose candy

  Cocaine.

  Snorts

  Cocaine.

  Snuff

  Cocaine.

  Twitter format

  @Username

  A person’s pseudonym on Twitter.com. When used within a post by someone else, this directs the message at them.

  D Username

  Similar to @Username, except a direct message - more private.

  #words

  A hash tag (#) marks a post as being in a certain group or relating to a certain theme. Posts that share the same hash tag can be found listed together.

  Acknowledgments

  Much could be said about how a book of any sort is not a solo effort. Pages and pages could be burned with ink, celebrating the contributions of those who gave aid and comfort to us as we embarked on this journey to bring the knowledge of the ages, and perhaps a little smile, to those kind enough to venture through this text. However, if we have learned anything from this process, it is that our day and age is defined by a wit borne of brevity, and for that reason, we feel compelled by Zeitgeist to keep this simple.

  This book would not be possible without: Brian DeFiore, John Siciliano, Yen Cheong, Will Hammond, Joe Pickering, Mary Pachnos, André and Susan Aciman, Susan Peterson, and David Rensin.

  We would also like to thank the following people: Michael and Phillip Aciman, Michael Berlin, Elise Biggers, Hana Hawker, Rebecca Roberts, Emily Beyda, Matthew and Nicholas Engel, Harry May-Kline, Marcella Zimmerman, Djobi Rojas, Ulysses Pascal, Arpy Sarkissian, Amy Chou, Daniel Gaines, and the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

  And of course a special thanks to all the great writers - both those included and those excluded from our work - from Homer, to Joyce, to Rowling, whose pens and quills have helped guide our minds on the daring, righteous path of enlightenment.

  Index

  Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The

  Aeneid, The

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

  Alighieri, Dante

  All Quiet on the Western Front

  All the Pretty Horses

  Anna Karenina

  Aristophanes

  Austen, Jane

  Beatles, The

  Beckett, Samuel

  Beowulf

  Brontë, Charlotte

  Brontë, Emily

  Brown, Dan

  Byron, Lord

  Camus, Albert

  Candide

  Canterbury Tales, The

  Capote, Truman

  Card, Orson Scott

  Carroll, Lewis

  Catcher in the Rye, The

  Cervantes, Miguel de

  Chaucer, Geoffrey

  Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage

  Coleridge, Samuel Taylor

  Conrad, Joseph

  Crime and Punishment

  Crying of Lot 49, The

  Da Vinci Code, The

  Death in Venice

  Defoe, Daniel

  Devil in the Flesh, The

  Dickens, Charles

  Doctor Faustus

  Don Quixote

  Dostoevsky, Fyodor

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan

  Dracula

  Dumas, Alexandre

  Eliot, T. S.

  Emma

  Ender’s Game

  Epic of Gilgamesh, The

  Eugene Onegin

  Euripides

  Faulkner, William

  Fitzgerald, F. Scott

  Flaubert, Gustave

  Frankenstein

  Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von

  Gogol, Nikolai

  Great Expectations

  Great Gatsby, The

  Gulliver’s Travels

  Hamlet

  Harry Potter (1-7)

  Heart of Darkness

  Hemingway, Ernest

  Hero of Our Time, A

  Hobbit, The

  Homer

  Iliad, The

  In Cold Blood

  Inferno, The

  Jane Eyre

  Joyce, James