Kieron Smith, Boy

by James Kelman

  For the school swimming ye did not get cubicles for changing. It was one big changing room and ye put yer clothes into a basket so everybody was all just the gether. Lasses were not there, they went another time. They were in my class for ordinary lessons.

  Swimming was the first two periods on Monday morning so that spoiled it. Once ye had dressed the special bus was waiting to take us to school. I was quick out the changing rooms so I sat waiting and it was the worst because that was you trapped for the whole week. It was just so horrible, just the worst. I thought about dodging round a corner before I got on the bus then waiting for it to go away. It was a far walk to the river but I would love doing it, get a ferry over to my grannie. She would be glad. I did not go much.

  But I got on the bus. I wanted on first so I could sit anyplace and just in at the window. Ye did not get a double seat to yerself, a person had to sit beside ye. If ye were one of the last ones ye had to go and sit beside somebody. I hated it. Who did ye sit beside? I could not sit beside anybody. How come him if ye did? They would just look at ye. What did ye sit beside me for? I did not want to sit beside anybody. Except a lassie, that was who I would have sat beside. But ye could not sit beside a lassie, that even was worse.

  Monday morning and it was all to come, all just horribleness. People talked on the bus but I did not, just looked out the window. My pals were at their own school. Here I did not have any pals. I did not care. I did not want any. One day I would not be here.

  When the bus got to the school people were out for the morning break and there was a game of football but usually I did not play My hair was still wet and that feeling ye got after swimming, like a wee bit tired, but a good tired.

  People w****d in the toilets. They done jokes about it. If somebody kicked in a door and somebody was doing it they said their name and wrote it on the wall. Ye were just sitting on the lavatory pan and they looked over to see if ye were doing it. Ones smoked in the toilets. When ye went in they looked to see who it was. I heard their voices and they were not posh. It was McEwan and his pals. They were like a wee gang. McEwan was the leader. One of them was in my class. They saw ye and gave a wee smile, Oh he cannot fight. That was what it was. Ye did not want to go in because they were there. And what if they claimed ye? Well if they did? If they did they did. Sometimes I waited till the bell rang for the end of the break and just ran in then.

  In this school ones ye thought were best fighters were not. They did not fight, they let others laugh and did not care. They kept to their own side and saw their own pals. They were posh, even if they did not look posh. My maw asked me did they talk nice. She knew they did because Matt telled her. There was not much swearing except bad words, but bad words did not matter, people just said them, some teachers too, Oh it is a bloody nuisance, he is a damn swine, oh for God sake, oh for Jesus sake. The Algebra teacher said it too, but not against people, it just came out. Hells bells. Oh Hells bells.

  People said it. Hells bells. Who has blooming farted, Hells bells.

  Most spoke good, even ones that did not, they done it the same like me, just watching it and what they said. Aye and naw, nobody said that. Some had upstairs and downstairs houses with their own door and gardens, and motor cars, they talked about them, Oh the Cresta is a heap of old tin. Oh do you know the Rover?

  People had good clothes. Their blazers had the school badge sewed on the top pocket. I heard one boy saying it. Oh I can just take the badge off at the weekend and wear the jacket out.

  Jacket and not blazer. And he was not posh, just spoke ordinary. He took the school badge off at the weekend. So then he could wear his jacket out. That was what he said. When it came time for school his mother tacked the badge back on. So it was just like a good jacket for going out. And nobody would see what school ye went to. Oh he is a Pape, he is a Proddy. Nobody would say it because they would not know. Or if it was a posh school.

  Him and other ones were talking about a cafe they went to and there was a great jukebox. Oh it is all the Top Twenty, it is great.

  My jacket had the badge built in at the top pocket. It was not a patch so ye could not take it out. So maybe it was a blazer and not a jacket. My shirt was no right either, the collar was too big. If ye pulled the tie tight it went underneath. The collar came over it and got wrin kled all up. It was hopeless. Some boys did not pull their tie tight, just let them open at the top and their shirts open at the top as well. They had good clothes. Their trousers too. Mine were not. No just me. Others had the same trousers. Flannels. But Matt did not have flannels. I only saw that now. I had not seen it before. How come he got good ones? They were the good grey and smooth and did not flap about. How come I did not get them? Mine just flapped about and just were horrible, I f*****g hated them. I needed new clothes. Oh wait till Christmas, said my maw, it will be your Christmas.

  But mum I need them.

  You will just have to wait.

  That was me, I had to wait, but no Matt. Oh because he is good at his lessons. Maybe my maw would say that. Two teachers said it to me. Oh you are Matthew Smith's brother, and were looking at me. I just said, Yes sir and yes miss. Oh you are not so good as him, that was what they were meaning. I did not care anyway.

  Ye got homework to do. I done a lot on the train home and then the train in next morning. I got the early train to school and finished it in the playground. Matt did not like me doing it in the bedroom if he was in it. I still done it if I wanted. But usually I done it in the kitchenette or else on the living-room table. But my da did not like it because my maw telled him to turn down the telly. Oh Kieron is doing his homework.

  Can he no do it in the kitchenette?

  I liked doing it in the kitchenette anyway. But I done most of it on the train or else in the playground.

  Me and Matt did not like going with each other. I saw him standing over with his pals. He did not like it if I was near. At dinnertime people went for a walk and I saw his pal smoking a fag. Maybe he was too. He did not see me looking. What if I telled my maw? She would have gave him a row but what else, nothing. If she telled my da what would he have done. Nothing. He would not have hit him. My da hit me but no Matt. If he knew he was smoking, maybe he would not do nothing. Except give him a fag. Matt was past sixteen. People smoked in the house at that age. Their maws and das knew they smoked and let them do it.

  Ye went along a lane to the railway station. It was great going down and horrible coming up. Coming up ye were going to school, going down ye were going home. Boys hung about the lane. They wore ordinary clothes and acted tough. They did not go to Matt's school. If they looked at ye it was to fight. Then ye were cornered because it was the lane, ye could not get by. Open yer bag. They did not say it to me but they done it to others. I heard they did. They made them open their bag and chipped stuff out on the ground. If it was worth knocking they took it. Usually it was just books, pens and yer pencils.

  They were not always there. People went the other way round, it took ages and ye missed yer train. These boys were like a gang, older than me. It was lasses they were there for. They shouted stuff and tried to talk to them. I saw them doing it. Some lasses talked to them.

  But ye did not like passing them. I found a short cut. There was a big dyke on the right side of the lane coming up from the station. Ye climbed it and walked along the top. It was not tiles but double bricks with concrete over, some chipped off and loose, ye had to watch it. On the other side was a grass backcourt. The building was two storeys high. Ye dreeped down the backcourt side of the dyke. But people saw ye doing it. An old man watched out the window, he just sat there all the time. When ye walked the dyke he waved his fist at ye. I did not bother. Another one was a woman hanging out her washing. She shouted at me, Get down from there or I will call the police.

  Oh missis a gang is chasing me.

  But she did not care. People were posh and told the teachers. One morning the Headmaster spoke over the Address System. It is reported that boys in school uniform are climbing
the walls along Station Lane. If anybody climbs into the backcourt properties it is a dismissal offence, you will be expelled for such persistent behaviour.

  I usually done it at four o'clock and if these boys were there I dreeped down the other side and skipped through the back close. There was a gate there locked, ye had to climb it. It was wood and shook like it was going to fall down. One time I done it but when I came out the close these ones were there. I ran fast down the road and in the side way to the railway station. I did not see if they chased me but was glad when the train came.

  Some at that school were stupid thinking they could fight ye. They just looked at ye and saw ye. Oh we can kill him. But if they did not know ye. How come they could beat ye? They thought that. But it was just stupid. They did not know if ye were posh or what. If they claimed me I would fight them. I would, I would just get into them. They did not know that but I would, if they thought who I was, they did not know and did not know my pals and ones I knew from my scheme. They could have come down here and battered them all.

  Imagine I brought the boys with me. We could just take them on. Whoever wanted a fight, we would give them it. That was my real pals. No like from this place. They did not even talk to ye. So you did not talk to them. Who wanted to talk to them? No me. I did not want any of them.

  My maw said it. Oh Kieron who is your friends, do you have any friends. I just kidded on. So then I just done something. I said somebody's name to my maw. Oh I am friends with him.

  But I was not. It was just one that sat beside me in the Geometry class. He just came and sat. I did not know him, just his name, but he started feeling me. He did not talk but just done it. It was a worry if people were going to see, ye just worried about it and were not going to do it again, never. I did not like him doing it but he just done it, so if he started ye just let him, just slow, that was how he done it and ye just thought about it. Outside school as well and ye were home in the house, ye did not want to, it just came into yer head. Ye were not going to let him do it again, never, and going to school in the morning ye were thinking it too, never never, ye were never going to let him but then if it was a Geometry period next, if it was and ye were there and he came in and was he going to sit beside ye and then he done it, just sat down and got out his books and what was going to happen, ye were nearly shaking just waiting till then if he done it, ye could not stop him, he just done it, and if you were to do it to him, keeping his knee pressed against ye till ye did. That was like a good fighter. He acted like he was. He was not, he was just posh. But he done it with his knee, just pressing in like he was trying to make ye. He could not make me.

  So if he was a good fighter and you were not, if he thought that. I could batter him any day of the week. Who was scared of him? No me anyway. But then he was doing it and his knee pressed hard in and just keeping doing it. So you were to do it to him, that was what he wanted, you were to do it back to him. But I did not want to. What if the teacher saw ye? Two lasses sat at the desk behind. So if they saw? What if they did? Oh but it was all the class, that would just be the worst. The lasses would tell them or else the teacher, so all everybody would know and ye were just a nancyboy and a poof, all just laughing at ye. How come? It was just the horri-blest thing and I did not want him to start it so if he did I switched round on my seat till my legs were away but then if he still tried it and just kept doing it and his hand was there.

  Outside in the playground he had his own pals. He just went with them and did not look at ye. I did not care. I did not want to stand with him anyway I did not even look at him. I did not want to. If he thought he could do something with me. I would have battered him. And if it was his pals, them too. Just posh ones. Who was scared of them.

  But if he told them. He would not tell them. Because it was him, he started it. I went and watched the football.

  Too many were playing. That was that in this f*****g school. People were stupid. They did not play it right. How many were on each side? Ye could not even count them. It was just a bunch of maddies running up and down trying to kick the ball. They kicked it anywhere. They did not even know where to kick it. Oh Smith, are you playing?

  That was a boy in my class. He was shouting on me. Do ye want a game? Two of ye could come on.

  Okay.

  I just said it but then I thought I would, I would just go on. Another boy was there watching. It was one on one side one on the other and I said it to him, Oh do ye want a game?

  Okay.

  So they took us on and we got a game. But it was just so hopeless with all too many people running about and that wee toty ball. It was the worst game ever ye could get. It was not like real football. We played real games out in my scheme, we had great games. All the boys played and it was great. This game on the playground was just the most stupid stupid thing. Nobody could even see if ye were good. Too many were playing. Who was good and who was bad? It was just complete stupid nonsense, just running up and down. And then people stopped playing. They just stopped. Ye heard somebody saying it. Oh to Hell, I am not playing. And they just went away. I done it like the last time. Ye got fed up and ye just thought, Oh I am never going to play it again. But then ye did, ye just wanted a game. So then if the ball came I went in hard and got it, I started doing that. Other ones did not, just shouted at ye, Oh stop kicking.

  Well if it is f*****g football, that is kicking.

  Yes but not legs.

  Oh well sorry.

  ***

  Then all the homework, it was just all the time, homework, homework homework. I done it on the train or in the station or next morning coming to school. Some ye only could do in the house, ink-exercises. Matt did not like me using his desk. My da had made him it. He joined it on the side of the tallboy, so it was stuck with nails. It was good how he done it, two shelves up above for yer books and stuff. Oh but my maw hated it. He done it when she was at her work for a surprise. She came home and saw it. Oh Johnnie! What did you do that for?

  Because he put the nails in the wall and in the side of the tallboy to join on the top of the desk. So if ye took out the nails and took it away all holes were left behind. My maw hated it. Oh if we want to sell the tallboy, now we cannot. Why did you not tell me you were doing it? Now it is ruined it is just ruined. And we cannot move the wardrobe because the shelf is joined to the wall.

  My da's face was red.

  Oh Johnnie it is just stupid. I wish you had said first. Oh why did you not say it first?

  Oh well, I can put it back again.

  You cannot put it back again. Really, it is ruined. It will just be holes in the side. My maw went to the side of the wardrobe and was poking at it. Oh and see this crack here, she said. Look, the wood is cracking, and will just get worse. Nobody will buy it now. Oh I wish you had said first.

  My da done the job and she did not know he was doing it. He waited till she went to work then made it all as a surprise. Oh I thought ye would be pleased, he said.

  Well I am not pleased, it is just silly. Ye have ruined the tallboy. Ye have ruined it.

  No I have not.

  Yes you have.

  I can fix it.

  Oh you cannot fix it with all these holes.

  I can.

  But you cannot. Oh I wish ye would get a job.

  Well I want a bloody job, that is what I want.

  My maw did not say anything. Because it was his fault he did not have one. He had a job and then he chucked it. He got fed up and just stopped it. That was what my maw said, imagine having a job and just giving it up, it was stupid. Now he was looking for another one. Oh to hell with factories I need the open air.

  My maw just looked when he said that. If he wanted back to sea, that was what she was thinking. He said it if he lost his temper, Oh I am going back to sea.

  Oh well go back to sea.

  Yes I am going.

  Well go.

  I am bloody well going alright.

  My maw and my da were arguing about it a lot. I kidded on
I was reading a school book or else just went into the bedroom. Even if Matt was there, he did not say nothing. I was over in my grannie's and said it to her. Oh he is idle, she said, I do not like to see a man idle. If he gets a job he will be fine.

  It was nay good him being home. I stayed out the road. If I still had homework I lay on the floor in the room and wrote it there. Matt kept his schoolbooks on the desk all marked at their places. He hated me using the desk and ye could not touch his books. But for ink-exercises it was no fair having to be on the floor. Yer elbow did not fit right when ye were holding yer pen, ye got smudges. Then if it was ink on the carpet my maw went off her head. I needed the desk. My maw told Matt to give me a chance for it. Latin was the worst. Ye needed two schoolbooks and were to write in real ink and watch ye did not smudge the jotter. So I needed the desk, I just needed it, so I used it, because if it was there and I needed it, how could I no, if I needed it? That was a desk for writing on. So I done it. Matt came home and caught me. He walked right in. Oh you have touched my books! Do not ever touch my books I am warning ye. You have touched my books. Do not ever touch them.

  I was not touching them.

  Never ever ever, he said.

  But Matt I was no touching them.