Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  Meredith tried to make amends. “Yeah. Poor thing. It’s been hard on him.”

  “You’re understanding. A lot of people outside the profession are a lot less tolerant.”

  “How’s your guy? The lawyer?”

  “Oh,” Ann’s eyes suddenly filled with tears and she put on her sunglasses abruptly. “Oh, that’s over.” She shrugged and smiled, sunglasses still in place. “My hours. Suck. It makes for a lot of resentment and hard feelings.”

  “Enough to end the relationship?” Meredith asked. “You’re almost done. Couldn’t he wait?”

  “July one.” She turned her coffee cup on the table. “The funny thing is that I’ll have the best hours of anyone when it’s over. ER is all shift work. I’ll never carry a pager. I could work six twenty-four-hour shifts a month and make a full salary.”

  “Other doctors have to carry a beeper?”

  “FPs don’t have bad hours either. Depending on where they practice.”

  “I’m sorry about you and the lawyer.”

  “Yeah, well. This job weeds out the weak ones.”

  “I thought lawyers worked terrible hours, too.”

  “They do. He did. But I worked more. He couldn’t deal with that.” She removed her glasses. “There’s still a double standard.” She looked at her watch. “I’d better get home to bed. It was nice seeing you, Meredith.” She stood. “Hang in there. Ben’s worth it.”

  “So are you,” Meredith told her, overcome.

  Ann didn’t answer. She gave Meredith a broken smile and turned away.

  Meredith glanced at her weekly paper, then glanced around the cafe, thinking about Ben’s hours. There was a familiar looking woman across from her. She wore thin gold wire glasses. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a small bun. She was bent over a book, unconsciously turning a loose strand. As the woman lifted her head, Meredith looked down at her weekly. The face was nagging her. She felt like she knew the woman intimately.

  “Meredith?” Shit. Meredith looked up and the woman was smiling at her. “It’s Lindsay. From Kira’s house. Christmas Eve.”

  “Of course. I was sitting here, trying to place you. How are you?”

  “Just fine. What are you up to? Sneaking away from UNM for a cup of joe?”

  Meredith leaned forward across her table. “I don’t work there anymore,” she said. She was ready to confess that she’d been fired when she realized that she didn’t have to. “I’ve got a great new job with a private company. It’s much, much better. And more money, too.”

  “Good for you! Was it hard to leave?”

  “In a word? No. How are you? Sneaking out of work too?”

  Lindsay smiled. “No. I don’t work very much. Just a part time job at the museum. And I volunteer to teach literacy to adults.”

  “Nice. How do you manage that?”

  Lindsay paused, and then said, “A trust fund. A small trust fund.”

  “It sounds like you do good things with it. I’ve heard that teaching adults to read is very difficult.”

  “There’s a lot of frustration and feelings of inadequacy involved. But it’s extremely rewarding.”

  “Have you seen Kira lately?”

  “No.” Lindsay assumed a look of guilt. “I’ve been bad at calling people lately.”

  “Did you know that she’s officially divorced now?”

  “No. How is she handling that?”

  “I think she’s improving, but it’s slow going.”

  Lindsay sighed. “I can’t believe those two didn’t make it. They seemed like such a good couple.”

  “Kira would probably like hearing from you.” Meredith said.”

  Lindsay glanced at her watch. “Whoops. I’ve got to run. I’m late for an appointment.” She refocused on Meredith. “I’ll call Kira today.” Lindsay stood. She gripped Meredith's hand. There were rings on four fingers, including her thumb. “It was good to see you, Meredith.”

  “You too.” She felt funny about the encounter, so she added, “Call Kira,” to Lindsay’s back as she walked away.

  When Ben came home that night at eleven, Meredith was asleep. She woke easily as he climbed into bed, freshly showered.

  “Go back to sleep.”

  “It’s okay. I went to bed at eight.”

  He touched her face. “Are you ill?”

  “No. I’m just not accustomed to waking up at oh-dark-stupid.”

  There was a pause. “Are you calling me stupid?”

  “Oh-dark-stupid.”

  “What the hell are you saying?”

  “It’s an expression.” Meredith was laughing. “It means ‘really early.’”

  “Oh...dark...stupid.” He repeated the words slowly, like it was French. He smiled. He turned to an imaginary person. “What time is it, Huck? Oh, it’s oh dark stu...”

  Meredith punched him in the neck and he gagged on the last word. She slid her hand up under his shirt and caressed the small of his back. “Are you making fun of me?”

  Ben's breathing suddenly became heavy. “I was, but it will never happen again.”

  They started to kiss, in the middle of which, Ben fell asleep. Meredith sighed. “That’s why I went to be at eight, stupid. You should try it some time.” Ben snored on. She laid her head back down on the bed and fell asleep herself.

  “Meredith, it’s Kira. Remember Lindsay from Christmas eve?”

  “Sure. I just saw her at Double Rainbow.”

  “Did you? Well, she and I are having dinner tonight in Old Town. Will you come?”

  “Don’t you guys want some time alone to catch up?”

  “No. I haven’t talked to her since before D-day. I’m so sick of thinking about myself and talking about myself. If you’re along you can bring up different topics of conversation. Plus, Lindsay really liked you.”

  “Okay. I liked her too. What restaurant?”

  “That French one. In the secluded, little plaza?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  “I adore this place,” Lindsay said, unfolding her napkin. “They specialize in crepes.”

  “I’ve never been here,” Meredith said.

  “You’ll love it.”

  Meredith kept looking at the door. “What’s holding up Kira?”

  “I wonder if she’ll have to sell her house,” Lindsay commented. “I love that place but I doubt she can afford it on her own.”

  “I’m trying to talk her into renting out rooms to medical students.”

  Lindsay grimaced. “I couldn’t bear to have my privacy invaded like that.”

  “You live alone?”

  “Just me and my fish.”

  “I have to admit I enjoy having Ben, my boyfriend, come and go like he lives there,” Meredith confessed. “I thought he’d cramp my style but he forces me out of a negative sort of shell that I can get into when I’m alone.”

  “There’s Kira.” Lindsay said.

  Kira arrived in a bustle of intense apologies.

  “Stop,” Lindsay told her gently. “We only just arrived.”

  Kira grabbed a seat and immediately launched into a story about her last date with Mike, whose engine had caught fire while they were driving. When Kira had finished, Meredith picked up her lead and told them funny anecdotes about Ben’s life as a resident.

  The waitress came to take their drink order and returned again for their dinner order. Meredith was having some difficulty getting off the subject of Ben. She felt like talking about him all night. Finally, she forced herself to tell some stories about her own job, so that no one thought her life revolved around her boyfriend. She had just finished the story about her dinner meeting with Peter when the food arrived.

  “He sounds kind of creepy,” Kira said. “Does he know you have a boyfriend?”

  “I talk about Ben all the time.”

  “Things might improve when they open the new office.” Lindsay said. “Right now, you’re at his mercy. You can’t talk to any other co-workers to see what they think of h
im.”

  “He’s not all bad,” Meredith said. “He’s been a big advocate for me. He listens and then he acts. He carries my ideas forward.”

  “Because he’s trying to get into your pants,” Kira told her.

  “You are so young to be so cynical!” Meredith exclaimed, but privately, she was amazed at their perception; she hadn’t even told them his comment about if Ben wasn’t in the picture. It was a relief, in a way, to have her fears confirmed. Everyone who met Peter, including Ben, thought he was so wonderful. She wondered if Kira and Lindsay would change their minds once they’d been exposed to his charms.

  “It’s sexual harassment.” Lindsay announced.

  “Well, that’s jumping the gun.” Meredith said. “Right now, Peter hasn’t done anything wrong.”

  “I’d file a complaint now, so that your ass is covered,” Kira warned.

  “To who?” Meredith asked. “He’s the owner of the company.”

  “So either way you’re screwed,” Lindsay said. She took a sip of wine.

  “Men suck.” Kira told them. “They are all a bunch of slugs.”

  “That’s unfair,” Meredith said.

  “Document everything,” Lindsay advised.

  “We’ll document this conversation,” Kira offered.

  “Okay guys. I appreciated your input. I do. And I agree that Peter is crossing a line, or threatening to cross. And yes, he makes me uncomfortable and he’s ruining what should be a blissful time. But I’m not going to file a complaint. I’m not going to let his behavior push me out of the best job I’ve ever had.”

  Lindsay nodded. “That’s exactly why I believed Anita Hill. Those congressmen kept going back to the question of why she would work for a man who sexually harassed her. But why should she give up a good job, just because of a bad boss?”

  “I wouldn’t compare Peter to Clarence Thomas...”

  “Not yet,” Kira said.

  “Those congressmen didn’t realize how limited good career options were for women.”

  “As long as I’m dating Ben, Peter can’t touch me.” Meredith said. “Now let’s change the subject.”

  Neither looked ready to be done with the discussion of Meredith's boss, but Lindsay obliged by turning to Kira. “How serious is this relationship with Mike?”

  “Not serious. Not even a relationship. We just have fun together.”

  “No marriage bells?”

  “For God’s sake, Lindsay! I just got a divorce!”

  “Mike was okay about dating a married woman?”

  Kira raised an eyebrow. “Actually, no. He was not okay. I explained my circumstances the second time we went out and he wanted to take me home right then and there.”

  “He did?” Meredith asked.

  “Yes. We’d done everything but sex on our first date and he wouldn’t even kiss me again until I’d signed the divorce papers.” Her face darkened as she straddled her two worlds.

  “Mike’s got ethics?” Meredith asked.

  “Yes.” Kira looked back at her. “He’s got ethics.”

  “Go figure,” Meredith said. “I think I’ve been underestimating him.”

  “Probably. He’s actually sort of a sweetheart.”

  “But no fireworks.” Meredith said.

  “Not really. Not yet, anyway.”

  After a somewhat monotonous dinner of crepes, over which Lindsay oohed and aahed, Kira and Meredith sat leisurely over espressos. Lindsay was in the bathroom.

  “Let’s see a movie tomorrow,” Kira suggested.

  “Can I leave it open?” Meredith asked. “Ben might be off tomorrow.”

  “Bring Ben along.”

  “If he’s off, I think we’ll be spending the evening naked in bed, not hanging out with the likes of you.”

  Kira laughed. “You can’t have sex all night. Ben’s not eighteen any more. Why not take a movie break in between?”

  Meredith laughed. “I’ll call you.”

  “His schedule is that bad, huh?” Kira commented as Lindsay returned to the table.

  “It could be better.” Meredith was going to make a concerted effort to stop complaining about his schedule.

  “It’s almost like you’re sharing him with a wife,” Lindsay said.

  “His schedule is only temporary. Despite it, I know I’m number one in his life. And he’s number one in mine.”

  “If you asked him to give it all up, would he?”

  “I would never ask. I complain, but I can handle it. That’s part of why he’s with me. He knows I can deal.”

  Lindsay’s gold glasses glittered from the candle on the table. “You are very lucky that you’ve fallen in love with someone whose life you can accommodate.”

  “Shall we go?” Kira asked them.

  At her car, Lindsay hugged them both. “Goodnight. It was good to see you both.”

  Kira and Meredith were parked a block farther up. Meredith unlocked her car and climbed inside. It was cold. She shivered as she started her engine. While her car warmed up, she watched Kira’s head bob through parked cars. After a minute, it disappeared. Then brake lights appeared and Kira pulled out into traffic. Meredith's heater was cranking out a lukewarm burst of air. She put her fingers to the grill, but knew her shivering was more mental than anything. The hospital was just down the street and she wondered what Ben was doing and whether or not he’d be free if she stopped by to visit.

  Her heat was blasting by the time she pulled into her driveway. The house was dark. She dreaded the walk from her warm car to her empty doorway. For a moment, she pretended Ben was home to welcome her.

  Toughen up, she told herself. You can deal. Shutting off the ignition, she pushed herself up out from behind the wheel and hurried up to her door. Before Ben, you never minded coming home to an empty house.

  “He’s made you soft,” she said aloud. Letting herself in, she headed straight for to bed and climbed under the covers. Mendra wasn’t home. From under her down comforter, she reached an arm out to page Ben. He rang back a minute later.

  “Good time or bad?”

  “Good. I tried you earlier.”

  “I was out to dinner with Kira and her friend, Lindsay.”

  “You really need a cell phone.”

  “I have a cell phone.”

  “Sorry. What I meant to say was, You really need to charge and then turn on your cell

  phone."

  “Then I would have had to rudely interrupt everyone’s dinner. This way, we can talk when

  I’m free to talk, at home. Remember those days, when people waited to talk on the phone until they got home?”

  Ben sighed, not without nostalgia. “I remember. How is Kira?”

  “Good. Hey. Are you going to be home tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. Barring unforeseen circumstances, I should be out by five or six.”

  “Oh. Good. Because Kira wanted to know if we wanted to go to a movie. But I thought we might want the evening to ourselves.”

  “I miss you.” Ben’s voice was low and soft.

  Meredith smiled under her covers. “I’m glad you miss me.”

  “Oh, I do, Meredith. I do.”

  Moving day at Consumers, Inc. was officially scheduled. Meredith alternated between excitement and dread. Her work-at home-pattern was comforting, but she knew it would be good to have an office to come to.

  Peter gave her a personal tour. “These are your keys - front door, office door. Furniture will be delivered this afternoon.” He looked harried. “Everyone’s coming in to set up tonight.”

  “Actually, Ben and I have plans. Is it all right if I come in early tomorrow to set up?”

  Peter’s face was smooth. “Not a problem,” he told her easily.

  Ben's eyes were looking very clear. “It’s so nice to see you,” she told him at dinner. She’d cooked his favorite meal, fermented black bean stir-fry.

  “You too.”

  “Should we blow off Kira?”

  “We have all evening toget
her. It’d be nice to see her and I bet she can use the company.”

  “You’re the best,” Meredith told him.

  After the movie, they stopped for drinks at a bar up the street. Ben ordered a stout. Meredith had the same. Kira grimaced. “Stout. Ugh. It looks like cough syrup. I’ll have an IPA,” she told the bartender.

  Ben leaned in and smiled. “So how’s Mike?”

  Kira grinned. “Mike is good. Thanks for introducing us.” She paused. “How’s work? Meredith says you’re pretty busy.”

  Ben shook his head. “I am. It sucks.” He looked at Meredith. “I don’t’ know how she puts up with it.”

  “What do you expect me to do? Drop you?”

  Ben laughed. “You’d be surprised at how many do.”

  Meredith knew he was thinking of Ann. “Well, not me,” she told him. “I don’t run.”

  He acknowledged her plagiarism of his own words with his eyes, then turned back to Kira. “A toast. To Kira. Welcome to the world of single hood.”

  “Great. Now I’m going home to kill myself,” Kira said as their glasses clinked. But she was smiling and Meredith had to admit that Mike seemed to have been just what she needed.

  Meredith ran her tongue gingerly over her back molars. She was missing work to see about her increasing intolerance to cold and hot liquids. The work ethic in the office made her feel guilty for needing a dentist. She’d brought her laptop along so she could work in the waiting room, but instead she was flipping through entertainment magazines. The dentist had little packages of sugar free mints in beveled crystal glasses on the end tables. Meredith waited until the receptionist turned away to take one. As she watched, the door to the left opened and a plump, young woman called her name.

  “Meredith Love? Hi there. My name’s Brandy. Come on back.” Brandy guided her to a small exam room and began taking x-rays. Meredith sat for another thirty minutes in her chair, reading trash, before Dr. Orvidas breezed into the room, holding the x-ray transparencies.