Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  “Hi Meredith. I’m Dr. Orvidas. Nice to meet you. Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of your complaint.” Meredith opened her mouth to reply when Dr. Orvidas added, “So Dr. Broderick retired, huh? Gosh, he’d been around a long time.”

  Meredith nodded.

  Dr. Orvidas held up the transparencies. She looked in Meredith's mouth. She said, “Ice,” and Brandy handed her a piece of ice that looked like a mini-Popsicle. “I’m going to tap your tooth.” Meredith felt tapping. “How’s that feel?” Before Meredith could answer, Dr. Orvidas said, “Here’s another tap. And another.” Meredith felt like an electric shock had gone into her head. She practically jumped out of her seat.

  Dr. Orvidas handed the Popsicle back to Brandy. She sat down in front of Meredith. “You need a root canal.”

  “Oh no!” Meredith said. Root canals were the worst, weren’t they?

  “And you’re lucky, because I’ve got time on my schedule to do it right now.”

  Brandy rolled a cart into the room. Dr. Orvidas picked up an enormous needle. “I’m going to start with some Novocain,” she said.

  “I need a root canal?” Meredith asked, feeling slightly frantic. “I’m not sure I’ve got the time on my schedule.” She tried not to look at the needle, which was about three inches long. “How long will this take?”

  “An hour,” Dr. Orvidas told her. “And you’ll have to come back again next week. At some point after that, within the year, you’ll need a crown.”

  “How much will this cost?”

  “Brandy? Can you check on that?” Brandy opened a book behind her and showed Dr. Orvidas a page. “$850 for the root canal. The crown will be...” Brandy flipped the page, “...another $850.”

  Of course, Meredith thought. I had dental for five years at the U, but my tooth waits till now to need something major. She flopped back against the chair. “Okay.”

  “Open your mouth. Head toward me a little. Slight pinprick.” Meredith felt the needle enter her back gum. She imagined the three inches sinking into her jaw. Suddenly she felt a jab that made her jump. She gave a yelp of pain. Her cheek felt like it was being sprayed with flecks of molten metal. Dr. Orvidas drew out the needle. “Let’s give that a moment to numb up.”

  Tears welled up in Meredith's eyes. She hated dentists. She coughed and furtively wiped her eyes. “It’s funny,” she told them brightly. “I know it doesn’t, but it feels like that entire needle goes all the way down into my jaw.”

  “Do you want the truth?” Dr. Orvidas asked.

  “No,” Meredith assured her, regretting saying anything at all.

  They clamped her lips back and put a block in her mouth to keep it open. Brandy was sucking saliva out of her mouth like a maniacal, vacuuming housewife. They drilled, stopped for x-rays, and drilled some more. The sucker periodically drew out red and yellow fluid.

  “God, that abscess is deep,” Dr. Orvidas told Brandy. “Almost finished, now,” she told Meredith. “We’ll scrape it, cap it, and reopen it in a week to finish.”

  Reopen. All Meredith could think of was that that meant another Novocain shot.

  They finished her up and gave her a prescription for amoxycillan. “Three times a day for eight days.” Dr. Orvidas told her. “Don’t rely on birth control pills while you’re on this.”

  I’m not coming back, Meredith thought, to make herself feel better. She reached down and scooped up a handful of mints on her way out.

  Meredith couldn’t believe she was returning to work. “I ought to be at home, convalescing on the sofa watching talk shows.”

  “More time off?” Suzette, the office administrator asked when Meredith gave her the times for her next appointment.

  “I’m halfway through a root canal,” Meredith told her, slightly exaggerating the effects of the Novocain on her tongue. She held up her prescription bottle. “I’m on antibiotics.”

  With resignation, Suzette entered the next appointment date into her computer. “Very well,” she sighed.

  “Tank qu,” Meredith replied, thinking, It’s a root canal, you power monger!

  Everyone else was sympathetic, making appropriate grimaces and tongue clucks. Peter insisted she go straight home, which she did not do. Instead she sat down in her brand new office and started working. The room was stark. She was just too busy to stop and decorate. Her windows looked out on the parking lot and some deserted land just beyond. Scruffy looking land. She was sure she’d find faded automobile parts and animal skulls if she strolled out there.

  She turned back to her computer and her surroundings faded. At five o’clock she came up for air and realized a web page meeting was about to start. She jumped up and walked to the new conference room, sneaking in just before Peter closed the door. Her jaw was throbbing and she wished she’d taken a Motrin before coming.

  Peter began with his usual promptness. Two people came in a minute past five and crept to seats like they were in a movie theater.

  Meredith's stuff was fifth on the agenda so she only half listened to what was being said. There was a water cooler in the corner. She thought she had...yes, she did, have two Motrin pills in her pocket. She’d dumped them in that morning, because she’d been getting headaches in the afternoon lately. As soon as there was a pause in the meeting, she’d get up and get some water.

  “...not really keeping up with the load.”

  “She’s taken three vacation days in two weeks.”

  “She leaves at six half the time, even though the work isn’t anywhere close to being completed.”

  A sickening sensation crept into Meredith's stomach. She knew rationally that they couldn’t be talking about her. She hadn’t taken three vacation days, just three hours for the dentist.

  Peter was sitting impassively at the head of the table. “Okay. I hear your comments. Let’s not turn into a lynch mob, though.”

  “We paid her to stay at the Ramada when she first came here, and she took the money but stayed at a Motel 6,” said Jeff, one of the accountants.

  Peter’s face tightened. “Who do you know at the Ramada, Jeff?”

  Jeff sat up straighter. “No one. Lia in accounting told me.”

  Peter’s face suddenly had dark clouds rolling in. Meredith wondered if he was mad at this unnamed employee or at Jeff.

  He made a note on his pad. Meredith peered at it, upside down. It was three letters. Lia. Uh oh. Lia was going to pay for gossiping. Or for not keeping Peter as up to date as she apparently kept the rest of the office. Hopefully, she’d covered her butt and told Dave. Meredith eased her chair away from the table and tiptoed to the water cooler. In the tense room, the gurgling water seemed loud. She swallowed the pills and crushed the cup in her hand. Peter was twirling his pen, watching Meredith. She waited till he was distracted by item three before she returned to the table.

  Dave was walking down the hall as the meeting filed out. He stopped Meredith and pulled her from the flow of people. “I wanted to personally welcome you to the new space. We haven’t seen much of each other since you started, but Peter’s been keeping me updated. He apparently decided to spearhead your position here. How are things going?”

  He seemed to be fishing about her feelings toward Peter. And yet, Meredith reasoned, if he was, he wouldn’t be doing it in a crowded hall. So she gave him the answer he was looking for.

  “Fantastic. I love my job. I love being here.”

  “Super,” Dave winked. “Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any problems at all.”

  He turned to go, then cocked his head toward her. “We’re having the new digs party next Saturday. Invitations are coming out today. It’s going to be great. Catered. A great jazz band. Zootin’ Zeke’s Five Blind Men. Know them?”

  Meredith shook her head.

  He shrugged. “Anyway, it’ll be a ball. Bring your doctor friend.” He raised an eyebrow. “Is he still in the picture?” he asked.

  “Ben. Yes. Of course he is.” She felt her cheeks start to turn red. “
I will bring him. Unless, of course, he’s on call.”

  Turning around, she headed back to her office, cursing herself for her embarrassment. She felt like Dave was casting judgment on her. Maybe he thought she returned Peter’s feelings. “What do I care what he thinks of me?” she asked herself angrily. She sat down at her desk with a clunk.

  Jeff popped his head in. He was, Meredith thought, thin all over. Thin frame, thin hair. The texture of his blond hair made Meredith think of baby hair. She understood why tall men were promoted more. She had to make a conscious effort to even notice Jeff. She rubbed her jaw. The pain was making her irritable, she realized and she was taking it out on poor Jeff.

  “Jeff, what’s up?” With effort, she tried to make her tone nicer. “More programming glitches?”

  He edged into her office like he thought she’d throw him out if he came in too fast. “Have a seat,” she offered, to speed his process. She had a lot of work to get through before she went home tonight.

  He sat down and looked around. “Nice.”

  She wondered if he resented her having an office when he had a cubicle.

  “Did you have a place like this in your last job?”

  Meredith nodded. Her guard was up. “I had an office, yes.”

  “That’s good to know. I’ll pass that on to Lia in Accounting.”

  Ah, the notorious Lia, Meredith thought. She knew Jeff wanted her to ask why he was passing her that information, but she decided not to. Instead, she watched him without comment.

  He waited.

  She waited.

  He broke first. “She had an office, too. But now they’re making her vacate it for the new programmer.”

  “The new what?”

  He’d gotten a reaction and he leaned back in triumph. Meredith wondered if he personally disliked her or just liked to be the first to spring gossip on his co-workers.

  “They’ve hired another programmer to help you. Since you’ve got an office, Dave says the new programmer needs one too. But there’s no empty spaces left. They’re adding on in late summer, but until then, someone had to go.” He cracked his knuckles and Meredith knew a juicy bit was on its way. “Lia wanted you to move to a cubby. Seniority and all. That way the new programmer would have a cubby too. But Peter nixed it. So Lia’s moving. She’s moving right as we speak, actually.”

  Meredith felt her blush return. “I’m sorry Lia has to move,” Meredith told Jeff.

  “Yeah. So is she. So you didn’t know they’d hired a new programmer?”

  This time she was ready for him. “No, I didn’t. It’s a great surprise. This place is so efficient, isn’t it? Speaking of which,” she rattled some papers. “I’ve got a lot to do, so unless you’ve got programming problems...”

  Jeff left, looking disappointed.

  At 7:30 her phone rang. She didn’t get many calls so she knew who it was.

  “This is Meredith.”

  “Hey babe.”

  “Hey.” She leaned back in her chair and let his voice wrap around her.

  “How was your day?”

  “Traumatic. I had a root canal.”

  “You what?”

  “It was unexpected. And it hurts.”

  “Come home and I’ll make you feel better.”

  “Are you home?”

  “Just got in. A few minutes ago.”

  Meredith liked the way “home” had become the same place for both of them. She felt the tension in her neck and shoulders start to unravel. “Busy day?” she asked, to buy some time.

  “Oh mama. Three babies. I delivered three babies today. I was the primary physician in all three. Two girls and a boy.”

  “Those poor mothers! Why didn’t they get...” she stopped herself just before “a real doctor” popped out and finished with “...an OB-GYN?”

  “There were too many people having babies today. I got the straightforward ones, we hoped. I mean, everything was fine, but if there had been a problem, I would have been in way over my head. That was the nerve-wracking part.”

  As she listened, Meredith looked out her door onto the main room where all the cubbies were. Seven-thirty p.m. and it looked like a full house. She could smell fresh coffee brewing. She wondered if Lia was still here, in her new cubby.

  “This place is still packed,” she told Ben guiltily. “I feel like I shouldn’t go.”

  “You just had a root canal.”

  “It wasn’t so bad.”

  “Do you still have work you need to do tonight?”

  “I have work I can do tonight.”

  “Meredith. Stay if you need to, but be clear on why. Is it because you have work to do, or because everyone else is still there?”

  Meredith sighed. “Okay, it’s stuff I need to analyze. I worry too much about people’s judgments.”

  “Or what you think are their judgments.”

  She looked at her watch. “I’ll work for another half hour and then head home.” Her commute was thirty minutes, even without traffic. “See you soon.” She hung up. Her jaw hurt when she opened it and she’d forgotten to ask Ben if he could make it to the party. And she’d forgotten about the new programmer. What if it was someone she knew? Or someone who knew she’d been fired by Family Practice? She was hit hard by a wave of exhaustion. The space under her desk looked very appealing. Instead of laying down there, she held a report up in front of her face and pretended to read it while she closed her eyes. Her tooth hurt. Competition was coming to work with her. Her co-workers resented her office. Her boss was moving back and forth over the line of hitting on her. Her wonderful boyfriend was home with her cat, waiting for her. She dropped the report and logged off her computer.

  “I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone here thinks,” she told herself, although that didn’t stop her from cradling her jaw with her hand as she told people goodnight.

  “Next Saturday? I’m on call.”

  “Oh. Okay.” Her disappointment was thick. She got up and locked herself in the bathroom. She turned on the water and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Damn. Now she’d have to face that party alone. She thought of David’s smirk as he’d asked, “Is he still in the picture?” And Peter would read too much into Ben's absence. And she wanted Ben there to prove to everyone that she had no designs on Peter. She could see the way the gossip mill worked there. No doubt people were already speculating. She splashed water on her face. Her throat hurt from suppressed tears. She took a deep breath and wondered how she could stop her feelings. Change the outcome or change your expectations. She pointed at her reflection. Piece of cake, she told herself.

  She came out of the bathroom, shutting off the light.

  “Remember that medical student I was telling you about?”

  Meredith shook her head.

  “The one from South Africa.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Well, today he was triaging in the ER. Ann said that this guy came in who’d been shot in his butt. Jarrod, that’s the student, asked him how his ‘bum’ was shot. So this guy tells him, ‘I ain’t shot no bum!’”

  “Ben.”

  “Get it? Bum? But Jerrod takes him to mean...”

  “Ha. Very funny.”

  He finally paused and took a fresh look at her. All she had to say was, “It’s very important to me that you’re at my side for this party.” Instead, what came out of her mouth was, “I’m very disappointed that you’re on call next Saturday.”

  “Why? For the party?”

  “Yes. I’m upset that you can’t come.” She sounded like a shrew. The rest of her words came out in a rush. “I just wanted to say that.” She glanced up at him briefly. “Actually, I guess I wanted to ask if there’s any way to come?”

  Ben picked up the phone, which caught her by surprise. Had he heard anything she’d just said?

  “Mo. It’s Ben Abel. I’ve got a favor to ask. Can you trade call nights with me? Friday for next Saturday? Yeah, I know. I can manage. You can? Great. Thanks.”
<
br />   He hung up. Meredith couldn’t believe her problem was solved so fast. She still felt upset and shaky. “Thank you.”

  “Thanks for telling me how you felt.”

  She wrapped her arms around him.

  “I really love you,” he whispered in her ear. Meredith didn’t answer. She felt indebted to him and that seemed like the wrong moment to say she loved him.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “You’re as bad as Ben now. Always working.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. It won’t be forever.” But as she spoke, Meredith wondered what exactly she meant. There was no end in sight.

  “Do you think Jeremy was having an affair?” Kira asked.

  Meredith reached up to touch her jaw, which was throbbing. “Does it matter?”

  “Yes.” They were in a cafe, having lunch.

  “You were dating someone before you got divorced. Does that count as cheating?”

  “No. It doesn’t.” Kira rolled her eyes. “I’m a hypocrite. I know. But if I had been able to choose, I would have chosen Jeremy.”

  “Have you seen him since the papers were signed?”

  “No. I’ve tried. He won’t see me. He thinks we need some time apart.”

  “Seems wise.”

  “It’s torture. Could he be gay?”

  Meredith couldn’t suppress her laugh.

  “I appreciate where you’re coming from, but it’s really not funny.”

  “Sorry. Listen. You’d better call him. Just ask him if he was having an affair.”

  “I couldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.” Kira leaned in. “What if he was? It would kill me!”

  “I bet you could handle it better than you think. The not knowing is torturing you.”

  Kira sighed. “It is.”

  “Just get it over with. It’s like me with that root canal. I have to go in for part two and I’m dreading it. But there are people with cancer who go to the hospital to have their bone marrow removed. How can I be afraid of a Novocain needle?”