To Probe A Beating Heart

by Wren, John B

  For all the negative, there was Averell’s ability to read. He knew the alphabet when he was three and could match words and pictures like ball and cat when he was not much older. It was noticed that he was able to recognize a number of words before his fourth birthday. Children’s books were a way to keep him quiet and out of the way and both Allen and Ellie picked up different books for Averell for just that reason. Mostly books about animals and dinosaurs, but he could struggle through a newspaper article or a piece in a magazine, if it looked interesting. With all the time he spent alone, Averell did a lot of reading and he enjoyed it. Each time he was sent to his room, he was told to clean it. “There is a place for everything and everything should be in its place,” was the order given at the beginning of each punishment. Averell became a very neat individual, almost to the point of obsession. His room was spotless, his books were not only on a shelf, but in alphabetic order.

  * * *

  Travel was not normally one of Allen’s job responsibilities. When it came up, he could be out of town for three or four days at a time, rarely more. His position within his company was that of an engineer and with time and hard work, he was advanced to the project management level. Along with title and pay came an increase in responsibility. He now had to direct the activities of several teams of people in several locations. The largest group was located on the west coast and he needed to be in direct contact with them on a regular basis. Ellie had never been pleased with Allen’s traveling while she sat home alone and now she had the additional burden of an unruly child. Therefore, when Allen determined that his presence was needed in California for a project meeting, Ellie complained loudly and cried louder. Allen was powerless. His job demanded face time with his team and the trip was unavoidable regardless of his wife’s disapproval. The end result was that Allen had no choice and as unhappy as his wife was, Allen had to go. The night before his flight to California, they argued about the importance of his travel and his unwillingness to refuse to go. It made the trip very unpleasant. Allen was gone and Ellie was unhappy. She was not dealing well with Allen’s desertion and she took it out on Averell. He became the object of her displeasure, being criticized for everything he did or didn’t do. Averell accepted his punishment and dealt with it by withdrawing into himself. He went to his room and crouched in a corner where he could push his back against two connecting walls. There was comfort in touching the walls, a feeling of ‘safeness’ keeping the world in front of him where he could see everything that might confront him. He squeezed into that corner and quietly muttered to himself, “I am safe here.” He found comfort in the words. No one heard him, he spoke as if to the empty air in front of him. He had cried at first, very quietly, to himself. Then, after a few minutes, he stopped crying and stared with a hard and determined look into the empty room in front of him and spoke very quietly to the emptiness, “I am safe here, Damn it.”

  Then he heard a voice say, “Damn it.” Nobody was there and he did not understand.

  On the day that Allen returned from California, his flight landed at 7:45 in the evening and by the time he collected his baggage, found his car in the parking lot and drove home, it was after 9:00 pm. When he came through the front door, Allen did not know what to expect. Ellie had become very unpredictable, arguments sometimes led to days of negative comments and hard feelings. On other occasions, she was completely the opposite and he could only hope for the best. This time, she was in a good mood and they patched up the last argument and hustled Averell of to bed so they could do the same. Allen had picked up three new books for Averell in the airport in California. When he opened his luggage, he took the books out, quickly took them to Averell’s room and tossed them on the floor, thinking he was already asleep. It was late for a five year old boy, but Averell was not tired. He let Allen think that he was asleep, and when the door closed, he turned on a light, picked up the books and laid on the bed, on top of the covers. As he browsed through the books one at a time, previewing the pictures, he could hear them bouncing on their bed, laughing and talking. Then there was silence, he got up and walked across the room, stooped and pushed himself into the corner where he felt safe and started to read.

  Allen’s second trip to California for the same project was again his decision. A decision that he alone made and he knew was necessary, but still it brought more argument and more crying. Averell was left home alone with Ellie who mumbled to herself constantly, complaining about Allen and his travels. That “son of a bitch” and “bastard” were the most common references she used, and Averell heard many of them. During his punishment periods when he was sent to his room, Averell would sit in his corner and repeat the words, “bastard” and “bitch” and “damn it.” He didn’t know what the words meant, only that they were not nice. When he used the “bitch” word in front of Ellie, he was sent to his room for the remainder of the week. Later, when he spilled milk on the floor and used another word, he was given another week in his room. No matter what he did to incur the wrath of his mother, the punishment always involved his being relegated to his room for the remainder of that week.

  When Allen was leaving for the fifth time, Ellie was unusually stern faced and silent. Allen did not understand, he stormed out and threatened to stay an extra day or two, not really meaning it at the time. During this absence of Allen’s, Averell was pushed aside and ignored, not punished, just ignored. That was almost worse than a beating and he found himself going to his room and the comfort of his corner. He squatted in his corner and mumbled, “Damn it.”

  And a voice repeated, “Damn it.”

  Again, nobody else was in the room and Averell was confused. He did not understand who was repeating his words and that disturbed him. He didn’t know that the voice was coming from within himself. It might be said that the voice was his mechanism for dealing with his confinement, or the unreasonable punishments he had to deal with by himself.

  The occurrence of an auditory hallucination is experienced by something in the neighborhood of fifteen percent of the population at some time during their lives and experiencing an occasional voice repeating single words or simple phrases is not that alarming. Continuation of these episodes beyond the occasional simple utterance becomes concerning and the development of a psychotic condition that could negatively affect an individual’s ability to cope in the modern world increases in probability.

  Allen was gone for six days rather than the normal four. On day five, Ellie found a babysitter, Charlotte, and went out to meet friends at a local restaurant and bar. Dinner and conversation had a very relaxing effect on her and when her friends started heading home, she ordered another drink. Finally the last of her initial dinner gathering, Ellie said to the bartender “One more time, and be generous.”

  Charlotte was fourteen and acted more like eighteen. She was tall and slim with large seductive eyes and a body that would soon attract

  the attention of boys her own age and older, much older. She fell asleep around 2:00 am and Ellie woke her at 8:00am when she came in.

  “Sorry for the late return,” said Ellie, “I got into a conversation with the bartender that lasted until about 3:00 am and they tell me that I fell asleep in mid sentence.”

  “No problem,” said Charlotte “I had a completely open book last night, and now you owe me for another five hours.” They both laughed and Ellie paid her and gave her an extra ten. “You must have had a VERY good night” said Charlotte.

  “Yeah, I should do this more often” and she giggled.

  “Oh you naughty — I know nothing, as far as I know, you were home before midnight, and I fell asleep on your couch.” Ellie pulled out another ten and Charlotte said “Keep it, you will need it for your next night out, Miss Devil.” Again they both laughed.

  Charlotte left and Ellie went to her room, undressed and stood in the shower for a few minutes, then laid down on the bed and caught a quick nap. Averell was in his room leafing through a book. His door was open, as was Ellie’s and he cou
ld hear her in the shower cursing as she washed herself off. He could only make out a few words, the ones that got him in trouble when he used them. He gently closed the door to his room and squatted in his corner.

  Allen’s flight touched down at 4:12 that afternoon and he caught a cab home. When he opened the front door a little past 6:00 pm, Allen was faced with a stern and disapproving look. No make-up session, Ellie seemed to be beyond reasoning. Allen said he was very tired and wanted to lay down for a while. No argument, not even a discussion. Ellie said she was going out, to a movie. “I have been cooped up here for the last week and I need a break from the brat, you watch him for once.”

  Allen was tired, and when Averell wanted to talk to him, Allen pushed him away and called him a “little bastard.” Averell was confused, he knew it was negative, but he did not understand what it meant.

  He went to his room, squatted in his corner and mumbled the words over and over, “bastard,” “damn it.” Ellie was gone for about five hours and did not want to talk about the movie or anything else when she came home. She went straight to the bedroom, showered again and went to bed. Averell was awake, laying on his bed, looking at his ceiling and wondered why she used the shower again. He fell asleep.

  It seemed to Averell that every offense was punished with a week or the remainder of the week in his room. More extreme offenses were often met with a slap in the face and the rest of the week in his room. Trip after trip that Allen made found Averell being found guilty of another offense against some rule. It also often meant another book. So Averell spent most of his time in his room where he crouched in his corner and repeated the words that he knew were forbidden and looked through his books. Allen’s trips became more frequent, soon being about a week apart and with the departure for each trip there was more arguing and crying and more fallout on Averell. There was also more extra money for Charlotte and upon each return there was either a reconciliation or a continuation of the argument. The routine seemed to work its way into their lives and become accepted. The arguments at each beginning were still there but the reconciliations worked their way in at more of the returns.

  The first phase of Allen’s project was soon complete and all the documents were in a six week review period with the client. No travel was required during that period but the next phase would require another intensive travel schedule. That was weeks away and Allen avoided discussion of the upcoming travel requirements. They were getting back on track. The arguing stopped, they went to a few movies together and out to dinner a few times. Then, magic happened. Ellie was feeling a bit ill in the mornings and she felt somehow, different. She went to the doctor and was told that she was pregnant. A complete surprise to all, including the doctor. Perhaps the turmoil in their lives adjusted the alignment of somebody’s stars and the reconciliations after each trip were a more perfect field for the sowing of the seed. Allen was confused, but happy and Ellie was happy and not as confused.

  It was an uneventful pregnancy and as the time approached, Averell was pushed more and more into the background. The time he once spent with his mother in the middle of the day was cut shorter and shorter until it was not at all. The more time he spent alone, the more he withdrew and the more he acted out. Averell was in his room alone more often than not and he continued to talk to himself, muttering the forbidden words and reading his books over and over.

  His misbehaving whether real or perceived earned him an increase in spankings and again more time in his room, alone. Allen was not practiced in problem discussion and resorted to a swift swat on the most available cheek in response to Averell’s bad behavior. Ellie found it easy to send him to his room, grounded for a week regardless of the crime. Averell learned to be alone, to play alone and to find comfort in being alone. He continued to crouch in his corner and speak quietly. “Bastard,” “damn it.”

  He spoke the words and listened and the strange voice would more and more often echo, “Bastard, damn it.”

  Allen made a few five day trips at the beginning of the second phase of his project, then he managed to streamline his process and made a number of shorter three day trips during the last half of phase two of his project but the game had changed. No more arguments with Ellie, no more crying and complaining and no more make-up sessions. Every time Allen made a trip, Averell stayed in his room as much as possible and Charlotte made a few extra dollars. Ellie seemed as distant from Allen as she was from Averell.

  * * *

  CHAPTER THREE

  How many crimes could a five year old commit . . .

  When the day came in May of 1973, and Ellie asked to be taken to the hospital, QUICKLY ! Allen called Charlotte, helped Ellie into the car, told Averell to let Charlotte in when she arrived and probably broke a few traffic laws getting across town to the hospital, but made it to the emergency entrance in time. Ellie was rushed into a labor and delivery room where everything happened in fast motion — It was a girl. A very little, very pink little girl. Allen looked at her through the glass partition with amazement. He was a real father. Ellie called her Sarah. Life was about to begin for Sarah and change for Averell. Life would also change for Allen and Ellie.

  Sarah had blue eyes and strawberry hair. She was petite with a defined twinkle in her eyes. Allen wondered where the blue eyes and light hair came from, his history being of a more swarthy flavor and Ellie’s being the same. He also did the math and determined that Ellie became pregnant during the period when he was flying in and out of town on a weekly basis. Ellie was aware of his musings, she knew he suspected something, but she said nothing.

  Sarah became the center of Ellie’s attention. Nothing else seemed to matter. Sarah was perfect. Sarah was doted on and boasted about to all of Ellie’s friends. Averell was ignored except when he could be punished. He was slapped regularly for little infractions and constantly grounded. How many crimes could a five year old commit? He heard the words that he knew were directed at him and about him. One evening after dinner, Averell was looking for a book, walking slowly through the house. He heard Allen and Ellie talking at each other, each trying to gain an upper hand, when Allen said “the little bastard was a mistake.”

  “Yeah, I know, we never should have gone to Romania.”

  “It was your idea —, your mistake.”

  Averell again was confused. He again heard words that he did not know, He heard “Romania” and “adoption” and most loudly, “mistake”. He went to his room, crouched in the corner and mulled over the words he heard as he muttered, “bastard,” “damn it,” “Romania,” “adoption” and “mistake”. The words had meanings, but he did not know all of them. He wondered what they meant, he wondered how he could find the meanings. There was a dictionary on a shelf in the living room that Allen had shown him. It would have the words and what they meant. The next time he was alone, he would look in that book, the dictionary.

  And the voice said, “bastard . . . damn it . . . mistake”.

  Averell rarely understood what he had done wrong, and avoided contact with Ellie, Allen and especially Sarah. He did not understand his feelings toward Sarah, but he knew that when she came home he was pushed aside. He knew that he didn’t like her. But he could not do anything about that. If he hurt her, he would be severely punished. If he complained about her, he would be severely punished. It made no difference, best to just stay away from her.

  It did not take long for the tension in the house to rise. The air was thick with mistrust. Allen started working late and Ellie did not complain. Allen once again needed to travel to California as the third phase of his project demanded and Ellie said nothing. Averell took advantage of an opportunity to pull the dictionary off the shelf and look for the words he had heard. He looked through the book and found the word “bastard” where Allen explained it should be. The problem now was understanding all the words that explained the one he looked up. Averell struggled with it for a while and finally got an idea of what it meant. It was confusing because he had both Allen and Elli
e . Averell continued to muse about the words he knew were directed at him and that he did not fully understand. He found time when Allen and Ellie were otherwise occupied to look up another word and as many of the defining words as he could and eventually had a fair idea of what some of them meant. Each definition that he found made him more angry, why would they say those things about him.