To Probe A Beating Heart

by Wren, John B

  As Averell wondered about the words he was learning, Allen wondered about Sarah. He had a little private time one Saturday morning and took Averell to the library. “I have to look up a few things, you go and play in the toy room.” Averell did as he was told. He played for about a half an hour, got bored and started to look around for Allen. As Averell walked out from a row of shelves, he saw Allen sitting at a table with his head bowed in his hands. It looked like he could have been crying. Averell thought it better to go back to the toy room and wait for Allen to come get him. Allen had checked a medical book that covered blood types. He knew that he was type A, he knew that Ellie was type O and that Sarah was type B. He now also knew that Sarah was not his daughter. Allen left the book on the table and went to the toy room. Averell was sitting on a bench, waiting. Allen said, “Come on, let’s go home.” His voice was sad, Averell could see that and he asked if something was wrong. “Yeah, you might say that.” And with that they were both silent all the way home.

  When they arrived, Ellie asked Averell where they had been and Averell replied, “The library, I played with the toys and daddy read a book that made him sad.” Allen heard the comment and decided that this was as good a time as any to put it on the table.

  “I was looking through a medical book, seems as though your blood type and mine cannot make a baby with Sarah’s blood type. What do you think about that?” Confronted with this information, Ellie smiled and calmly suggested that Allen move out and leave her and Sarah alone. Averell was not mentioned. Allen was furious, he was also at the end of his patience with the entire situation and took the opportunity to do what he had been thinking about for months. He had a habit of keeping a bag packed and ready for his next trip. He went to the bedroom, picked up several items including the checkbook, a reserve of cash he kept in a dresser drawer and his passport and returned to the living room. Ellie was sitting on a chair, holding Sarah. Allen said, “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you will have. I will send someone for the rest of my things.” He walked out the door without another word and never returned. A week later he asked a friend to stop by the house and pick up a few boxes of his things that Ellie would put out on the front porch for Allen or the Am Vets, whomever was first.

  In October of that year, Ellie filed for divorce. It was finalized the following April without dispute. Ellie now was alone with Averell and Sarah. She seemed happy with this arrangement and soon had a new group of friends who called on her with some regularity. Allen was doing quite well with his new position and did not contest the divorce settlement and sent the required checks every month through the courts. That payment plus the monthly stipend from her grandfather’s estate kept Ellie from having to work. She was pleased with her new life, she was in her own house where she had been for the last twelve years, with an income for which she did not have to work and was free to do as she wished. The only thorn in her side was Averell and he had learned to stay out of her way. He would play alone or sit and read for hours on end and not bother her or Sarah. He would even come to dinner late, after they had finished and he dealt with cold potatoes and warm milk just to avoid any contact with them. As he grew older, he could understand more and more the meanings of the words that disturbed him. Not just the meanings, but the intent. He was learning that he was not wanted.

  Along with age came the increase in chores. He cleared the table after meals, swept the floors and did the lighter work outside. Ellie always seemed able to get someone bigger to cut the grass and clear snow until he could handle the lawn mower and heft a loaded shovel in mid winter.

  Other than the increase in chores, Averell’s existence changed very little. He was usually ignored, just pushed aside in favor of anyone or anything else, especially Sarah. He was not important, but now he was not punished as much.

  * * *

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Keep the key . . .

  Steve Danker was a tall, slender man with sandy wind-blown hair, blue eyes, large gnarly hands and a very rugged weather beaten outdoor complexion. He openly showed interest in Ellie almost as soon as Allen walked out the door. Steve owned a general contracting company and was very generous. He would frequently buy Ellie little trinkets with diamonds or pearls that made her laugh and giggle and often opened the door to her bedroom. Steve started spending a lot of time at the house staying for dinner and more, much more. He would bring her a gift along with a bottle of wine and the two of them would drink the wine, all of the wine, and fall asleep in front of the television or in bed.

  Steve treated Ellie like a princess, seemed to genuinely love Sarah and initially was nice to Averell. After a few weeks of evenings of drinking and loud bawdy banter shared with Ellie, he became a bully, making rude jokes about Averell and physically pushing him around constantly causing him to fall or bump into things. This amused both Ellie and Steve, even when Averell was really hurt. Steve referred to Averell as the “little Romanian bastard” when speaking to Ellie, making her laugh and simply “brat” when addressing Averell. Averell avoided them both and again spent time in his room. “Bastard,” “damn it,” “brat.”

  “Brat, damn it,” said the voice.

  Steve knew that Averell spent a great deal of time in his room to avoid contact with the rest of his family and came after him one morning. He raised his voice to something less than a yell and accused Averell of being a bad boy, making his mother cry. Averell knew this was not true, his mother never cried over him and this was just an excuse for Steve to slap him around. “You’re a little bastard, you make her cry. I don’t like you kid, and if it was up to me, I’d send you back to Romania.” Averell didn’t understand and was trying to think it through when Steve delivered a firm kick to Averell’s bottom. It was not a hard kick, it hurt his feelings more that it hurt his bottom, and he did not cry. As Steve was about to continue the verbal abuse of Averell, Ellie called him and he turned and walked away. The words were said, the kick was delivered and the thought was planted. Averell thought to himself, “I hate you.”

  “I hate you,” repeated the voice.

  Steve moved in with Ellie, Sarah and Averell in May 1974. His blue eyes, sandy hair and unknown to the world, his type B blood, made it easy to assume he was the cause of Ellie’s pregnancy two years previous. Steve and Ellie joked back and forth about him being Sarah’s true father and Steve was sure he was, but Ellie’s escapades during that period left the question very much unanswered in her mind. Of course, he could be the father; she didn’t know and she didn’t care. She now had a man in the house to provide for her and Sarah again, and he thought he was Sarah’s true father.

  Allen knew about the new living arrangements and decided that he would move closer to his main project in California until it was complete. He might even stay in California, if all went well. None of his family would miss him, they never talked and he felt no real connection to any of them. So in February of 1975, on his latest trip to the west coast, he found an apartment and put down a deposit. When he arrived back in Syracuse, he checked and cleared it with his team in the office, took a two week vacation plus a few extra days, packed his belongings in a U-Haul truck, sold his car and drove across country to Sacramento. New beginnings, forget the past, buy a nice sporty car and enjoy all that California had to offer.

  Steve became a permanent fixture in Ellie’s house and she would play it to the max. He had moved some of his things into the house, a chair he liked, a lamp, his tools and a sea chest with his clothes in it. She teased Steve with the prospect of marriage and all the advantages. They married in September of that year and Steve gladly adopted the two kids, Sarah and Averell. After all Sarah was his, and Averell was part of the deal. Thus, in March of 1975, both Sarah and Averell took the name “Danker,” Ellie wanted him tied to Averell, legally, giving her a few more options and Sarah was the piece of bait he could not refuse. This was good news to Allen, his alimony payments ceased and since Steve adopted both of the children, his financial obligation to them
was over as well.

  Averell began his year in the first grade at the local public school in September. During the registration process, a pile of paperwork was required to demonstrate his validity as a citizen, resident and attendee in the school system. Averell noted the papers, and when they returned home, he saw where they were kept. Ellie was not concerned about security, or fire, or theft, the papers were placed in a shoe box and kept on a shelf in her bedroom. He planned on looking at them and learning more about himself when the opportunity presented itself. He would find a time when Ellie was out.

  Life went on, the Dankers were a family, at least for a while. Little disagreements and Steve’s wandering eye crept into the day to day activities and soon, he was staying at work later and later. As Steve remained remote, Ellie was calling Charlotte to babysit while she also went out.

  So it went on, Steve drank too much and was loud and abusive toward the rest of the family, Ellie was paying an extra ten to Charlotte more often than not and both Sarah and Averell got the worst of it. Even Sarah at this point experienced some negative treatment from Ellie. Sarah used to find it easy to join Ellie in bed in the morning for a short snuggle and sometimes for a brief nap. But if Steve was still in bed, Sarah was not allowed in. If Ellie was somewhat hung-over, Sarah was not welcome. The more Steve spent time out with friends, the more Ellie went out and the more she was either hung over or exhausted. Averell never did get to spend time in bed with his mom, and he found it deeply satisfying to see Sarah denied something he never had.

  Steve and Ellie were either home together, drinking themselves to sleep, or they both went out, in different directions and came home reeking of cheap wine, cigarettes and sweat. They crashed into bed, often still dressed, or semi dressed and did not bother explaining the obvious to each other. When sober, they argued, and accused each other of their own indiscretions of the night before. At first the fights led to make-up sessions, later they simply gave up after hurling a few accusations at each other.

  Steve continued to batter Averell, and Ellie tolerated it, occasionally joining in on the physical abuse or at least laughing at Averell when Steve hit him or he fell and hurt himself. When Steve finally swatted Sarah for some minor infraction, Ellie exploded in his face. “What the hell are you doing? How dare you hit my daughter.”

  “That’s right, your daughter, she ain’t mine is she?”

  “I really don’t know, you weren’t the only bull that I wrestled with back then.”

  “She is not my daughter, and that little Romanian bastard is not my son.”

  Averell heard the argument, he stayed hidden in the dining room, under the table and listened. Later when he was back in his room, he tried to write down all the words that he had heard, but did not understand. Bastard, Damn it, Romanian, Adoption, he couldn’t spell them all, he sounded them out and printed them on a piece of paper. As he looked at the paper, the voice said, “Bastard, damn it.”

  The wars continued, Ellie and Steve were frequently coming home at the same time, early in the morning. Then Ellie decided it was worth a chance, she asked another man to spend the night in her bed. Surely, Steve would be out all night and would never know. She was right. Dan left the house as the sun was coming up and Steve came home around two hours later. She had pushed the limit and gotten away with it. She tried it again with Frank and again it worked. Now she was getting overly confident and played the game almost twice a week. Steve was oblivious, the neighbors knew, but Steve didn’t have a clue.

  This went on for a few months and finally Steve came home early one evening only to find a stranger in his house, holding a pizza box as Averell was getting the newspaper and mail off the dining room table. It was late May and the weather was warm, the breeze freshened everything and Ellie was up stairs opening as many windows as she could to rid the house of stale odors.

  “Who the hell are you?” demanded Steve.

  Dan replied with the same question.

  “I am Steve Danker and this is my house!”

  “Oh, okay pal, I’m outta’ here.” And Dan bolted out the door and was hurrying to his car as Ellie was coming down the stairs trying to catch her breath and collect her thoughts.

  “What was that all about?” she demanded.

  “Who was that, and what is he doing in my house?”

  “Your House!” Ellie was now on the offensive. “This is MY HOUSE! And you are welcome to leave it anytime you want. The sooner, the better.”

  Sarah was frightened by the yelling and she ran to Averell. He led her up the stairs to her room and told her to sit in the corner where she would be safe. “If you are still scared, you can get into bed and get under the covers, that’s safe too.”

  He then went to his room and sat in the corner and listened to the argument raging on the first floor. He did not like listening to it, but he was not going to go down stairs and try to get past them to get outside. Averell looked across the room at his window, it opened onto a flat roof over the garage. He often wondered what it would be like to go out onto the roof, so he got up and walked over to the window and opened it. He thought for a moment and moved the screen. It came off easily and he crawled out the window and sat on the roof. As he stood and walked carefully across the roof feeling that his every movement would make some loud noise or he would crash down through the roof and into the garage, he carefully approached the edge and looked down to the ground. It was a long way down and he was tense. He walked over to the far end of the roof where a tree grew close to the edge. He could reach a large branch and climbed up on it. That was easy, and returning to the roof was also easy from that same branch. Once in the tree, he could see a way down near to the ground. He climbed down and swung down from another branch to the ground. The only problem would be getting back up into the tree. He walked over to the garbage cans and moved an empty one under the tree. Now he could climb on the garbage can, up into the tree and back onto the roof. Perfect, a way in and out without being noticed.

  Averell sat on the roof for a long time until he no longer heard the arguing on the first floor. He crawled back in through the window, replaced the screen and made sure there was no sign of his venturing out on to the roof. He went down stairs and saw Ellie sitting in the living room reading a newspaper. The pizza was still on the table.

  “Go set the table for dinner” she barked.

  “Okay, is everybody going to be here?”

  “Just the three of us, Sarah me and you.”

  “Okay.”

  Dinner was quiet, the pizza had cooled down and the soda was warm. Sarah was still a little scared and behaved accordingly. Averell was curious about Steve, but didn’t ask. After dinner he cleaned off the table, loaded the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor and straightened up the living room. He found several of Steve’s tools near his chair and under the couch. He took them to his room and thought about seeing Steve use them and handled each one. A pair of pliers, a box cutter, and a pair of wire cutters. Averell went back downstairs and joined Ellie in front of the television.

  Suddenly Ellie stood up, tossed the newspaper to the floor and started to walk out of the room, “I’m going out for a while, Charlotte will be here soon.”

  “Okay” said Averell.

  “Okay mommy,” said Sarah.

  Ellie walked past them both and up to her room. A short while later, Charlotte arrived and Ellie went out without a word.

  “Should we watch television?” This was Charlotte’s standard question. Averell said he had something to do in his room and Sarah answered with “Okay.”

  The television was turned on and Charlotte would be transfixed for the next few hours. Time for Averell to explore. He first went into his mother’s closet and found the box of papers she kept on a shelf. He had a note pad and as he read he copied information. He didn’t understand what he was looking at, but he plowed through it anyway. There was a paper with his name on it “Averell Swall” and Allen’s name and Ellie’s name. There was another nam
e, “Stelian Lupasco”. And another name “Nadia Lupasco”. None of this made sense to him and he put everything back where he found it. He went back to his room and looked at the notes and wondered. But nothing made sense. He sat in the corner and tried to pronounce the names, “Stelian, Nadia and Lupasco”. It was around nine o’clock when he heard Charlotte bringing Sarah up to bed and he asked her, “Is mom home yet?”

  “No, probably not for a while yet.”

  “Okay, I’m a little tired and gonna’ go to bed.”

  “Okay by me, makes my life easier.”

  Charlotte finished putting Sarah in bed and hurried down stairs. She was on the phone immediately to a boyfriend and, shortly afterward, there was a knock at the front door. Averell was very much awake and heard the knock and then after a bit they came upstairs and went into Ellie’s bedroom. Then the sound of clothes being discarded and people bouncing on the bed. He quietly went out of his room to the hall and noted that the door to his mother’s room was closed. He got closer and listened. He heard some funny noises, groans and moans and giggles. He went back to his room and crawled out on to the garage roof. His was not the only window to the roof. Next to his window was the bathroom window and then the big bedroom’s window. He looked in and saw Charlotte on the bed with no clothes on and a boy, about Charlotte’s age laying on top of her. He moved suddenly and made a noise.