To Probe A Beating Heart

by Wren, John B

  On a very hot July night, Averell was laying on his bed imagining using his probes on Sarah, he could not sleep, his room was very warm and he was soaked with sweat. He got out of bed looked at his alarm clock, it was 2:35 in the morning, and went in to the bathroom, took a small towel and soaked it with cold water. He wiped himself off from head to toe, it cooled him down and he was walking back to his room when he looked at Ellie’s bedroom door, it was open and a fan was blowing air around her room. Averell looked in, she was asleep, alone and asleep. He turned and went to Sarah’s room. Her door was open, a fan was blowing air around her room and she was asleep. Averell went back to his room and sat on the edge of his bed. “I wish that I had a fan.”

  “Take the one from Sarah’s room,” suggested Stelian.

  Averell opened his bag of probes and selected one, a longer one with a good handle. He held it in his hand and went back to Ellie’s room. “I would like to push this probe through your eye,” he thought.

  “We could kill them both, tonight,” said Stelian.

  Averell stood there staring at Ellie for a long time, thinking, debating, longing to use his probe, but deciding not to. He turned and went back to his room. It was after 3:00 am.

  “We could kill them both and say somebody broke into the house and did it. We could go out the window and hide on the roof,” said Stelian.

  “No, they would know. Too risky.” He laid down on his bed and

  thought about killing them both and finally he fell asleep.

  Every time Sarah heard Ellie say it, she repeated it to Averell, “mommy hates you,” and Ellie said it often. Sarah enjoyed saying it and started to say it when it fit her want. Each time he heard those words, Averell thought more and more about using his probes on Ellie and Sarah, but the opportunity did not present itself again as it had that July night.

  The tension in the house between Ellie and Averell lessened every day that Averell continued with his plan and soon there was a calm, a calm that they both understood. The hatred was mutual and they both knew it, but Averell was in control of himself and he kept that control by constantly doing things that she then did not have to do. Ellie could go out for an evening and come home to a clean house, cleaner than when she left and she knew that Charlotte was too busy with her boy friend’s to have done anything. Averell did not ask for anything in return, he seemed to be happy to simply be left alone and in charge of his own world.

  Averell knew that Ellie left money on the kitchen table frequently only to put it away later. He decided to try something, Ellie put several bills and some change on the table and left the room. Averell took two one dollar bills from the pile and put them under the table and left the room. When Ellie returned later in the day and picked up the money to put it away, she thought it was more, but gave it little thought and put it in her purse, not realizing that it was two dollars short. She looked around the room and saw Averell sitting in the living room looking back at her. She wondered what he was doing, what he was thinking, but let it go unchallenged. She put her wallet in her purse. Then walked out of the room.

  Averell waited for Charlotte to arrive and Ellie to leave and he went back into the kitchen and retrieved the two dollar bills he had placed under the table. He sat down in the living room and watched television until it was time for Sarah to go to bed. Then after Charlotte’s boy friend arrived and they disappeared into Ellie’s room, Averell walked out of the house and down to the woods. He sat on a log and was thinking.

  “We could catch a rabbit or a squirrel,” suggested Stelian.

  “No not tonight, I have to think. I need a plan,” said Averell.

  As he sat there, three of the boys showed up with some cigarettes.

  Averell had started a fire and was absorbed in thought when he was startled by their arrival.

  “Hey, Danker, ain’t it past your beddy time?” asked Tom.

  “I toll you guys to cool it with Danker, he’s okay” said Frank.

  “Actually I don’t have a beddy time, I’m allowed to do pretty much as I please” said Averell.

  “Well ain’t you hot stuff?” said George.

  “Yeah, kinda,” said Averell.

  At that all four laughed. “You’re alright Danker” said Frank as he dug out a handful of cigarettes. “Want one?”

  “Why not?” said Averell and Frank handed him a cigarette. “Where’s Don?”

  “He’s in trouble with his folks,” said Tom, “they told him to do

  somethin’ an’ he argued with ‘em. So he got grounded.”

  “Yeah and his dad probably slapped him around too,” said George.

  “He talks?” asked Averell.

  “Oh yeah, he don’t say much, but when he opens up, look out,” said Frank.

  All three laughed and Frank put the cigarettes on a log.

  “Ever had one before?” said Frank, “Straight up kid, if you have, that’s okay. If not, that’s okay too.”

  “Well, not really, but I have wanted to try one.”

  “Okay, here’s what you do, DO NOT inhale at first. Suck a little

  smoke into your mouth and blow it out. Do that a few times and then

  inhale a little bit, a very little bit. You’ll catch on.”

  Averell lit his cigarette and did as Frank told him, after a little while he took a very small drag and breathed it in, and immediately blew it out. A little cough, and he was ready to try it again.

  “That’s it Danker, little drags. You’re doin’ good,” said Tom.

  “Yeah, real good,” said Stelian sarcastically.

  “One’s your limit today, Danker. Maybe next time we see you here

  you can do two cigs” said Frank.

  “Yeah, we don’t want you should get addicted,” said George.

  Averell looked at Frank and said, “You know where the library is?”

  “Yeah,” said Frank, “You wanna’ go there, in the summertime, when we ain’t in school?”

  “Yeah, I want to check out some stuff about bleeding,” said Averell.

  “Like what?” asked Frank.

  “Like where can I cut someone and not make them bleed a lot,” said Averell.

  “Hey, who you gonna’ kill?” asked Tom, “one of us?”

  “No, no, I watched a movie and somebody said in movie, ‘cut him

  where he won’t bleed.’”

  “I saw that flick, lots’a blood and guts.” said Tom, “Let’s go to the

  library and check it out.”

  “It’s too late, we could go tomorrow,” said Frank.

  “You can show me the way?,” asked Averell.

  “Sure, no problem.”

  The next day Averell met Frank in the woods, “Where are the others?”

  asked Averell.

  “They don’t want to go, cause I told them that they would have to

  read a whole book in a week if they did go.”

  “No you don’t,” said Averell.

  “See kid, you knew that, they didn’t, that’s what I like about you.

  Smart.”

  “And Tom, and George?”

  “Dumber than a pair of rocks in a bucket, genuine stupid. Let’s get

  goin. We gotta’ take the bus or we could walk, but that would take a long time. You got any money for the bus?”

  “I have two dollars, see,” and he showed Frank the money.

  “Naw, keep it, they usually want exact change, I’ll cover you and we can even up later.”

  The two walked to the main street about two blocks away and caught the east bound bus. “So, smart guy, what bus you gonna’ catch to get back home?”

  “The one that goes that way,” he said pointing to where they came

  from.

  “Yeah, that’ll be the west bound bus, okay.?”

  “Yep, okay” Averell was having fun.

  * * *

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Have you ever heard voices . . .

  The library was much as Av
erell remembered it, large, full of books and quiet, very quiet. They went to the Information Desk and Frank said he was showing his little cousin what a library was like. He asked the librarian about the human body and for a reference book on what the main organs and veins and stuff were. She took them to the reference section and they started poring through the pictures and drawings of the body.

  “There’s a lot of stuff here” said Averell, “I can’t remember it all.”

  “You can borrow books from a library, take ‘em home for a week or two and bring ‘em back,” said Frank, “All you need is a library card, do you have one?”

  “No, how do I get one?”

  “You get your mom to come down here with you and she has to sign a paper and you give them some info on you and bingo, they mail you a card.”

  Averell looked disappointed. “Okay.”

  “What, I told you, get your mom—.”

  “That’s the problem, her, she is a definite problem. She doesn’t like me and won’t do anything for me.”

  “Oh, okay, then we can do this a different way. Just let me do the

  talking, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  The two boys went back to the main desk and Frank spoke to the librarian. “Excuse me miss,” he said in a much more refined voice, “My cousin would like to apply for a library card. His mom is down in the car with a sprained ankle so I brought him up here. What do we need to do?”

  The librarian helped them fill out the application and said they should have mom drop it off after she signs it. Frank said, “ she’s down in the car, I can run it down to her and come right back with it signed?”

  “Well, yes why not, sure, yes.” The librarian was pleased to see two young boys so interested in the library.

  Frank told Averell to stay put, he’d be right back. He borrowed a pen from the librarian and ran down the stairs and out to the parking lot. He walked to an area that was not in view of the security camera or a window and pulled the pen from his pocket. He leaned up against the wall and scribbled ‘Ellie Danker’ on the form. He had done this a number of times before, forging his own mother’s signature. He went back up to the desk area and said, “She signed it, here.”

  The librarian gave Averell a paper card and told him to look for the permanent card in the mail in about a week or two. The boys walked out of the library with two books that Averell borrowed. Frank had explained how it worked and Averell seemed to grasp it all. Frank was a nice guy and Averell decided to trust him with a question.

  “Frank, can I ask you something and you won’t think I’m crazy?” as he asked the question he knew that it already sounded a little crazy.

  “Sure,” said Frank, “Hey, I hang out with the three of the dumbest

  meatballs this side of the big city, believe me, I hear crazy.”

  Averell relaxed a bit and said, “Have you ever heard voices when

  nobody is there?”

  “Me? No, no never, well almost never. Look, you ask me a tough

  question because if some people heard you or me sayin’ that we hear

  voices, they may call the guys in white suits. Put us in a rubber room, you know what I mean?”

  “Yeah, sorta—.”

  “Averell, you’re a nice kid, sometimes your head is tryin’ to tell you

  somethin’ from deep down inside, and it comes out like you’re hearin’

  stuff. But it is just you kinda’ talkin’ to yourself. That’s not a bad thing,

  just don’t get in to no arguments, and don’t tell nobody that it’s happenin’, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.” and Averell felt a little better about Stelian.

  “So, you hearin’ stuff all the time?” asked Frank.

  “No, usually when I’m alone and trying to think.”

  “Okay, remember don’t say nothin’ to the guys about this, they don’t understand,” said Frank.

  When he got home Ellie was sitting in the living room reading the

  newspaper. She saw him with books and asked where they came from.

  “I borrowed them,” he replied, and went up to his room.

  Over the next two weeks Averell read through the books and made a number of trips to the woods, catching squirrels and rabbits and toying with them, torturing them with his probes, pushing the probes into and through their writhing bodies, watching their eyes as he played. He compared the pictures in the books to what he saw when he dissected the little animals. they did not always match to his liking and realizing that he was looking at squirrels and the books were based on people, he drew comparisons but also knew that he needed better information.

  Averell got to the mailbox each day before Ellie could and when a letter from the Public Library arrived, he pocketed it and put the rest of the mail on the dining room table. He took the envelope from the library to his room and opened it. There was his permanent library card. Armed with his card and a few quarters, Averell alternated between the woods and the library. His process of probing the animals became more directed, trying to insert his instruments and move them around for a longer period, always watching the animal’s eyes, and piercing specific organs only when he had finished his investigation. He was getting better at his sessions because he now knew something about what he was probing. After an animal stopped moving, Averell would use the box cutter to make as precise a surgical incision on the animals, from throat to groin, as he could, to remove and review their parts. He continued to compared the animals insides with what he saw in various books and read the bits about the parts he recognized. He thought about the Library often and it became one of his favorite places. He was in control of what he did, what he read, what he learned. The only problem was the questions that constantly arose and he did not have someone with whom he could discuss these things. It occurred that a science teacher at school may be a resource. He was now anxious to get back to school where he could ask his questions. In the meantime, he would continue his probing and learning in the woods.

  Ellie had been out at a store and came home with bags of groceries and her change from the store. There were three quarters and some pennies and several bills. Averell took two quarters and two more one dollar bills. Later when Ellie put the change from the store in her purse, she was not sure just how much there was, because she hadn’t counted the money in the first place. She didn’t know exactly what Averell might have taken, thinking it may have been a few coins and she decided to let it ride. As she was putting her purse away she muttered, “You sneaky bastard, I really hate you.”

  Sarah was close enough to hear.

  Averell got up in the morning did a few chores and ran out to catch the bus. One quarter was all he needed for the ride to the library. When he got there and turned in the books he had borrowed, he looked around for others. He found one on squirrels and pored over it for an hour. Then, realizing the time, he went to the check-out counter and handed the librarian his new card and the book. She remembered him and said, “How is your mom’s ankle?”

  He remembered the previous conversation and said, “Oh, she is much better, thank you, doesn’t need the cane anymore.” With that, he hurried out to catch the bus. He used another quarter for the ride home.

  * * *

  CHAPTER NINE

  That made the cat screech . . .

  July led to August and Jimmy returned from baseball camp. The boys were nine years old and got along famously through the end of the summer break. September brought the new school year and the new football season. Jimmy still wanted to wait a few more years before starting to play football. He would try out for the basketball team this year, and since he had never played organized basketball before, he wanted to see how he would stack up against the other kids his age. Once again, he was a natural. Jimmy took to the game as if he had been playing for several years. The other positive with Jimmy was the ability to coach him. The same staff that coached the baseball team also did the basketball team. They remembered Jimmy and that
he actually listened to the coaches and did as he was told. After a number of repetitions at almost any exercise, he had it. Averell went to the first practice and the coaches knew what he could do with a score book for the baseball team. He could probably do the same with a basketball score book and he was warmly welcomed as a member of the team. As it turned out, Averell’s value was more as a bookkeeper than a equipment caretaker, but he did both jobs and enjoyed it. The two boys, Jimmy and Averell, were locked in for the season. Sports at this age were not near as serious as they would be later on. At this point, the objective was to learn and have fun and that’s what they did. The team was not all that good, but all of the boys involved with the team enjoyed the season. They played their games twice a week on Tuesdays and Friday afternoons. Half of the games were at their school and the others were at one of the other local schools. There were no extended trips and the boys were home by seven when they had an away game. The season was broken by the winter break when a great number of people traveled to visit relatives. Jimmy and his family drove to Philadelphia to visit his mother’s family and Averell stayed home. Ellie was not big on holidays and especially did not like buying presents for Averell, whether it was his birthday or Christmas. She usually picked up a handful of books and Averell appreciated the gesture. This year was no different. Averell was given five books that dealt with animals and baseball while Sarah had a pile of clothes and toys. Once again Sarah delighted in telling Averell that she was the favorite and “Mommy hates you.”

  January and the resumption of school couldn’t have come soon enough. Averell was again involved with the basketball team and spent as much time away from the house as he could. As the winter snows melted and spring brought out the baseballs and bats, Averell and Jimmy were ready. The transition from one sport to the other was no problem for either of them. They were both now ten and felt like they had grown up, they were no longer little kids, they were young men. This season, Jimmy was given a uniform with a “C” on his shirt and Averell was again the team manager and all was well. This season, the game was taking on a more serious tone. The team was now playing harder, playing to win. Last year they played for fun and to learn. The lads on the team expected to be pulled out of a game if they made mistakes. The coaches stressed team work and winning this year. The games were more intense and more fun when they won. At the season’s end, their record was a little better than .500. They won more than they lost, but not enough to win their league, they actually finished third, which was not bad for a team that had never won that many games in a season.