Always and Forever

by Lyn Denison

  “I thought I would miss it because Mum had to go early and I had exams, but Angie took me up on Friday and we stayed all weekend. And”—he paused for effect—“we got to see Mum’s show on Friday night. It was excellent.”

  “It sure was, kiddo,” Angie agreed, and Corey grinned up at her.

  “It was so cool that you could drive me up there, Angie. And I don’t care what Mum says, I’m going to marry you.”

  Angie chuckled and kissed his forehead. “And I just might accept that proposal.”

  Everyone laughed, except Evan Radford. “I told you you should play hard to get, Angie,” he said.

  Angie raised her eyebrows at him, but she made no comment.

  “Now, don’t you two start bickering,” Leigh said lightly enough. “I’m sorry we missed the Muster.” She turned back to Shann. “Especially since Evan’s company has accommodation there each year. If we’d known we could have gone, too.”

  Evan rolled his eyes. “Pity,” he said, and his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

  Leigh slapped him playfully on the arm. “Stop teasing, darling. You know you would have enjoyed it if we’d gone.” She leaned across to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned his head so her lips touched his mouth. When she drew back her eyes met Shann’s, and Shann saw her flush just slightly.

  “Well, we had fun,” put in Corey. “The Muster Club where Mum was singing was huge, and they had this dance floor in front of the stage. Everyone was dancing, even Angie and me.”

  “Oh, so you have your own band and everything?” Ann remarked.

  Shann nodded. “I did have a band backing me. A drummer, a bass guitarist, and two guys who can play just about everything. It wasn’t my personal band unfortunately, but I have worked with most of the guys before so that was good.”

  “And are any of these young men special to you?”

  Shann didn’t understand what she was asking for a moment and she heard Angie bite off a soft laugh.

  “I mean romantically,” Ann explained. “These bands are usually made up of handsome young men from what I’ve seen.”

  “Handsome married men usually,” Shann said dryly.

  Corey looked at her and opened his mouth. “Mum’s not into—”

  Shann gave him a nudge. “What Corey’s trying to say is that I make a point of not getting involved with band members. It makes things too complicated.”

  Corey grinned at her a little sheepishly and put his hand over his mouth.

  “Very sensible of you, Shann,” Ann was saying. “Doesn’t do to mix business with pleasure.” She stood up. “Well, I think I should be getting home. I need to put together some salads for the barbecue. Oh, Shann, you’re all coming over tonight for a birthday barbecue for Mike. Now, Jim,” she turned to Shann’s father, “you’re sure you’ll be able to manage the steps?”

  “I’ll be fine, Ann.” He got slowly to his feet. “But I think I’ll have a short rest now so I’ll be all right tonight. I’m looking forward to it.”

  Liz stood up, too, and passed her father his crutches, watching him as he maneuvered himself inside.

  “We should get going as well,” said Evan, keeping his arm around Leigh as they all started for the stairs. Antony grabbed hold of Tiger’s collar, and the dog walked with him. Ann took Michelle’s hand and looked back at Angie. “Are you coming, Angie?”

  “Sure, Ann. I just want to have a quick chat to Shann and Liz. About some stuff they ordered from the shop.”

  Ann nodded, and then they’d all left.

  Corey leaned over toward his mother. “Sorry about, um, you know,” he whispered. “Nearly telling our secret.”

  “That’s okay. No harm done.” She ran a hand over his dark hair. “Now, if we’re going out what say you go and have your shower.”

  “Okay.” He bounded into the house.

  “Your secret?” Liz raised her eyebrows, and Shann rolled her eyes.

  “Before we came up here I asked him not to bandy the word lesbian around in conversations.”

  Liz chuckled. “Oh. I see. So that’s what he didn’t say. Mum’s not into male guitarists.”

  Shann smiled. “Something like that.”

  “And talking about secrets, Angie. What exactly was that stuff I ordered?” Liz asked and laughed again when Angie flushed. “We’d better settle on stakes for my tomato bushes. Have to get our story straight.”

  “No pun intended,” Shann remarked dryly, and even Angie smiled.

  Liz stood up slowly. “Ann wants me to make my famous rice salad for tonight so I’d better go and get it started.”

  “I can make it, Liz.” Shann said, and Liz waved her hand at her sister.

  “Don’t fuss, Shann. I’ll be fine. If I need you I’ll call you, I promise, Miss Worrywort.” She disappeared inside.

  “Liz is the most stubborn person I know,” Shann said with a shake of her head.

  Silence fell between them and Shann swallowed, her throat dry.

  “This was quite a surprise,” she managed at last.

  “Yes.” Angie moved slowly over to the other side of the deck, turning to rest back against the railing. “Ann phoned me at work, and I came home early.”

  Shann walked over to join her. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what she wanted to say. She’d just seen Leigh for the first time in ten years, and she felt numb, as though her emotions had shut down.

  “I tried to ring you on your mobile,” Angie was saying. “I thought you might appreciate some warning.”

  “I’m sorry! The battery needs charging. But thanks,” Shann added, wondering if it would have made any difference if she’d known who was sitting here on the back deck.

  Angie gave a crooked smile. “I was of two minds about trying to tell you as you and Corey walked down the side of the house, but my mind went blank. I couldn’t seem to say a thing.”

  “That’s okay. I was a little taken aback I guess,” Shann admitted.

  “I thought you might be,” Angie said softly.

  “Angie, it’s all right. I’m all right. It had to happen some time. It didn’t seem to faze Leigh so—” Shann shrugged.

  “No. What about you though?”

  “I don’t know.” Shann was honest. “It was all so long ago.”

  “I don’t know that time makes much difference.” Angie sighed. “I was concerned—” She shook her head slightly. “You don’t have to come over to the barbecue if you don’t want to.”

  “It might seem strange if I don’t go.”

  “We could say we have a date,” Angie said lightly, and Shann laughed.

  “I’m not sure that would be such a wise revelation just at present. I think Ann has enough on her plate.” She looked at Angie. “But I wish we did have a date,” she said softly.

  Angie gave a quick smile. “That gives me some measure of hope.”

  Shann bit her lip. “Angie, I just need some time. This has been a shock. I mean, I knew Leigh could turn up, but I wasn’t expecting her so soon.”

  “Take all the time you need,” Angie reached over and gave Shann’s hand a squeeze. “But just don’t shut me out. Okay?”

  Shann nodded. “Angie, there’s no need to worry. About Leigh, I mean.” Shann looked away, not wanting Angie to see in her eyes the confusion she still felt about Leigh. “We both made our choices years ago.”

  “And later we may regret the choices that are sometimes forced on us when we’re kids. And that’s all you and Leigh were.”

  “Perhaps. But I was old enough to get pregnant, and Leigh was old enough to marry Evan. And that’s the bottom line for me, Angie. Leigh’s happily married.”

  Angie gazed at her, then her eyelids fell to disguise the expression in her eyes. She turned to look out over the back garden. “What if she was unhappily married?” she said softly.

  Shann paused. “Are you asking me if I’d be interested if Leigh wasn’t married? Angie, that’s hypothetical. And it has been ten years. My relationship with
Leigh wasn’t really what I’d call a relationship anyway. Besides, she seemed happy enough,” she added carefully. “And, if she is unhappy, only she can do something about it.”

  “I know.” Angie hesitated. “Things didn’t seem to go too well when she first got married, but I think it’s been better these past few years. The first couple of years were rough for her, and then she was a bit overwhelmed when she fell pregnant with Michelle. She went into early labor, and they nearly lost the baby. It seemed to pull them both together.” She turned back to Shann. “Did you think she’d changed?”

  “Not all that much, but we are all ten years older.” Shann grinned. “Now if you’d asked me if I thought you’d changed I’d have to say, most definitely.”

  Angie gave a quick smile. “For the better I hope.”

  Shann stepped forward and slid her hand over Angie’s where it rested on the railing. “Absolutely,” she said softly.

  Angie looked at their joined hands and then at Shann. “Shann, what if I said—?”

  “Angie?”

  Shann and Angie drew apart with a start to see Leigh standing at the top of the steps.

  Had she seen their hands entwined or their sudden guilty movement as they separated? Shann rather thought Leigh had.

  “Oh, there you are, Angie.” Leigh said lightly. “Mum wants you to make that carrot salad you made last time we had a barbecue.”

  Angie pushed herself off the railing. “Sure. I was just coming home anyway. I’ll see you later, Shann.”

  “I’ll be there soon,” Leigh said brightly. “I just thought I’d take a few moments to catch up with Shann before I have to share her with everyone later.”

  Angie’s step faltered and that same shuttered expression settled on her face. She gave a nod, and she was gone.

  “I should go in and help Liz,” Shann began walking across the deck, but Leigh stood her ground.

  “Oh, come on, Shann. What’s a few moments? We haven’t seen each other for ten years. Can’t we have a talk before everyone gets into the swing of the barbecue?”

  Shann hesitated. “Where’s your husband?”

  “Gone to pick up some beer and spirits. He’ll be back soon. Why don’t we sit down out here in the open where everyone can see us?” she added dryly.

  Shann reluctantly agreed. She waited for Leigh to sit down before she sat on the other side of the table. Leigh shook her head exasperatedly and moved around until she was beside Shann.

  “You look fantastic,” she said, her gaze holding Shann’s.

  “You do, too.” Shann said sincerely.

  “Thanks, but the mirror tells me otherwise.”

  Although Leigh was smiling Shann knew she believed it.

  “You were pretty cute back ten years ago, and you’ve definitely got cuter.”

  “Leigh—”

  “No. I mean it, Shann. But enough of that. I can see it makes you uncomfortable.”

  “Why wouldn’t it?” Shann made a negating move with her hand. “I think it’s best we keep the conversation—” She paused.

  “Superficial?” Leigh suggested, and Shann nodded. “All right. We can try.” Leigh gave a quick smile. “It was great to meet Corey. I couldn’t believe he was so grown up.” She sighed. “He’s so much like you, Shann.”

  “So everyone tells me.”

  “And everyone says Michelle’s like me. Antony’s more like Evan. They’re all great kids. We’ve been lucky, haven’t we?”

  “Yes, I’d say so.” Shann relaxed a little.

  “Who’d have thought we’d be sitting here ten years later, respectable matrons, raising three potential world leaders?” Leigh laughed, and Shann joined her.

  “Enough of the matron bit. But we are fortunate.”

  “I know I sometimes look at my two, and I can’t believe they’re part of me, Leigh Radford, who hasn’t had the most blameless life.”

  Shann thought she knew what Leigh meant. “Maybe our three are all that’s good in us. That’s how I feel when I look at Corey, that he’s the best part of me.”

  “You never did tell me who his father was,” Leigh said softly.

  Shann looked back toward the house, could hear Liz pottering about in the kitchen. “I’d rather not discuss that here. It’s too, well, public.”

  “Then let’s walk down the back. Just for a few minutes.” Leigh stood up. “I think we need to do this, Shann. Don’t you think?”

  Reluctantly Shann nodded and followed her down the steps, through the vegetable garden and down toward the mango tree, just as she’d followed Angie a week ago.

  Leigh stopped by the bench and sat down. She patted the seat beside her but Shann remained standing. Hitching up the leg of her jeans she lifted one booted foot to rest it on an upturned plant pot.

  “About Corey’s father—you know I used to worry that what happened with us made you, you know—”

  “Go out and try a guy?” Shann finished for her, and Leigh nodded. “Nothing could be further from the truth so you can clear your conscience there. I wasn’t curious,” she finished flatly.

  “That’s good.” Leigh paused. “After you left I really missed you. I kept thinking you’d come home and, I don’t know, that we could go on like before. I knew we couldn’t, but I hoped. But you didn’t come back and I married Evan.” She looked up at Shann and away again. “Marriage wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be.” She grimaced. “I used to fantasize about you coming to take me away from my life.” She gave a derisive laugh.

  “Leigh, I don’t think—”

  “Shann, please. Can you just hear me out? I think . . . no, I know I loved you back then, and I wanted more than what we had, those kisses, those wonderful kisses.”

  “Oh, sure you did,” Shann remarked derisively. “That’s not how I remember it.”

  “I know. But I did want to make love with you.”

  “You were the one who set the limits, Leigh, if you also remember.”

  “I was scared about how I felt about you.” Leigh sighed. “I was never as brave as you were. I couldn’t cope with being different. When Mum found us together I couldn’t face the truth, let alone own up to it. I told Mum it was you, that it was all your idea, that you’d kissed me. I guess it was easy to convince Mum because that’s what she wanted to believe.”

  “It was all a long time ago. Does it matter now?”

  “It does to me, Shann. I need to tell you, try to explain. I was a total coward. I was terrified our friends would find out, too, so I thought I’d get in first, before someone else did. So I told Evan you had tried to kiss me.”

  “I see.” Deep down Shann knew she’d always suspected Leigh had told him.

  “I just thought he’d laugh, that we’d joke about it. But he went crazy, totally berserk, and that really frightened me. I even thought he might—” She swallowed. “Did he say anything to you?”

  “He didn’t have to. He told his mates. They did his dirty work for him.” Shann remembered the phone calls that came when she was home alone, the snide remarks whispered from behind her, the supposedly accidental jostling in the hallways and the rough hands on her body.

  “Oh, Shann. I’m sorry. What did they say to you?”

  “Just the usual. Nothing original, that’s for sure. I’ve heard worse.”

  “I didn’t know he’d do that. I feel so responsible, and I suppose I am. I just wish we could go back, replay it. I know I would have acted differently.”

  Shann wasn’t so convinced about that. Without hindsight, she thought, everyone would react in exactly the same way.

  “What happened to Corey’s father? Do you still see him?” Leigh asked.

  “He’s never been in the picture, Leigh. It was never an option.”

  They were silent for long moments.

  “You really were raped, weren’t you?” Leigh asked quietly, and Shann nodded. Leigh bit her lip. “And I didn’t—” She shook her head.

  “You didn’t believe me. I know.�
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  “It was too horrible for me to even consider.” She hesitated. “You also said you didn’t know who was responsible for it. Did you really not know who did it?”

  “I didn’t know who had done it. Not then. I do now. Eventually, it came back to me.” With a little help, Shann thought bitterly, but she wasn’t going to tell Leigh that. She took a deep breath. “But the best thing to come of it was Corey. I wouldn’t be without him.”

  “I can see that. And, as I said, he does remind me so much of you. It’s a shame he can’t know his father. Is there any chance—?”

  “No. None. And apart from that, Leigh, I’m a lesbian. I always was, and I always will be.”

  Leigh looked away for a moment. “Is there anyone special?” she asked softly.

  “I think so. Yes.”

  “I thought there might be. I recognize the, I don’t know, aura you have. You used to look at me like that.” She gave a faint smile. “Eons ago.”

  “It was a long time ago,” Shann said flatly.

  “I know.” Leigh held Shann’s gaze. “And you can’t go back, no matter how much you might want to.”

  “Leigh, I—” Shann paused, trying to find the right way to tell Leigh she wanted to leave the past where it was.

  “It’s all right, Shann.” Leigh stood up and put her hand on Shann’s arm, her fingers warm and firm, and then she released her. “It’s Angie, isn’t it? The someone special? I see the way you look at her, the way you look at each other.”

  “I’m not comfortable talking to you about this,” Shann began, and Leigh gave a soft laugh.

  “Why not? I know Angie hasn’t come out to Mum and Dad yet, but I’ve known about her for a while. I even met her last girlfriend.”

  Shann’s eyes met Leigh’s and the other woman looked a little disconcerted.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I meant . . . you know what I meant.” She shrugged and glanced across at Shann. “Angie had a huge crush on you all those years ago. I suppose she told you that? I used to tease her about it, but it didn’t seem to bother her. Although I remember one time she did get pretty angry with me. She said you’d come to your senses and realize I wasn’t the one for you.” Leigh laughed derisively. “Which you did.”