Always and Forever

by Lyn Denison

  “With a little help from you,” Shann remarked dryly.

  “Yes. I . . . I guess that reminds me that all this wasn’t really what I wanted to say. There are so many things I want to tell you. I’ve missed having you to talk to. We used to talk all the time. In the good old days.”

  “I’ve missed that, too,” Shann admitted.

  “I’d just like us to be able to talk to each other, the way we used to. There’s never been anyone I could talk to the way I could to you. Tell me about the ten years, Shann.”

  Shann raised her eyebrows. “Not much to tell really. I stayed with Aunt Millie until I had Corey then I found a job and a flat. I worked, wrote songs, performed when I could, and raised Corey. That’s about it.”

  Leigh laughed. “Very concise.”

  “What about you?” Shann asked a little reluctantly.

  “When I married Evan I think I had this, oh, crazy idea that the marriage certificate would make some miraculous change to my life.”

  “That everything would be all right on the night,” Shann suggested lightly, and Leigh smiled a little sadly.

  “That’s not far from the truth. And, well, it wasn’t. I hated it, and I wanted to leave Evan. I tried, but he was devastated and begged me to reconsider. Then I was pregnant with Antony. After he was born I was too busy to do anything except function. When I found out I was pregnant again I just fell into a complete heap.”

  “How far apart are they?” Shann asked.

  “Fifteen months. Everyone said at least I’d get all the nappies and broken nights over together, but I was frantic. I didn’t think I was coping with one baby, let alone that I’d have to cope with two. I got . . . I had a bit of a breakdown and Angie came up to look after me until I had Michelle.”

  Angie had mentioned that to Shann, and she hadn’t been surprised. It was something Angie would do.

  “Angie was wonderful,” Leigh continued. “She saved my sanity. Evan’s, too, I guess. She told him he was so busy living his own life he didn’t even realize how badly I was feeling. And she made me see that deep down I was blaming Evan for everything when I should have been looking at myself.”

  Leigh turned and leant back against the trunk of the mango tree. “I thought I didn’t want another baby until I nearly lost Michelle. I went into labor five weeks before I was supposed to. It was touch and go for a week. The longest week of my life. And Evan’s. It made me realize I was only putting part of myself into our marriage, and I decided to change. That’s when I stopped wishing Evan was you.”

  “Oh, Leigh, I don’t—” Shann shook her head. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Shann. It was all mine. I’d sent you away, and I’d chosen Evan, when I really wanted you. But I knew I had to put all that behind me. It was the only chance we had to make our marriage work. Evan loves me, Shann. And I’ve learned to love him, too. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s all we’ve got. We love the kids, and we’ve got a good life.”

  Shann examined her feelings about Leigh’s revelations. Before she came home she suspected her heart would have been bruised if Leigh had said that to her. Now she only felt a certain relief. For them both. “I’m glad you have, Leigh, that things are good for you,” she said and knew she meant it. It was as though the final strand of the rope that tied them together, that small frayed end, had finally unraveled and allowed Shann to slip away.

  Leigh sighed. “I think I heard Evan’s car so I guess we should go back.” She smiled at Shann. “I’m so glad we’ve made contact again.”

  “I am, too,” Shann agreed.

  They started walking slowly back up the garden.

  “I wish we could have had a life together, Shann,” Leigh said softly. “But I wasn’t strong enough to live it, and I’m probably still not strong enough. Not like you.” She leant over and kissed Shann on the cheek. “You and Angie deserve to be happy, and I wish you that.” She smiled crookedly. “If I can’t have you myself then I’m glad you’ll be in the family.”

  And Leigh turned and walked away.

  Shann stood at the bottom of the steps and the hard lump of tears stuck in her chest. She thought about what Leigh had said, and she knew Leigh was right. They’d both moved on, made separate lives, and seeing Leigh again meant Shann could put the past behind her and go on with her life. One tear overflowed and trickled down her cheek. She wiped it away and sighed, knowing in that small corner of her heart where she’d kept Leigh Callahan, she was saying a final good-bye to her.

  * * *

  Surprisingly the barbecue went reasonably well. Shann’s initial meeting with Leigh’s father was a little stilted, but Ann and Liz made light conversation and soon everything settled down.

  Corey and Antony played with the dog until dinner and, after they’d eaten, the two families sat around laughing and joking the way they’d used to when Shann was a child. Shann could almost imagine they were back ten years, before life got so complicated.

  Since her talk earlier with Leigh, Shann felt far more relaxed with her, although she noticed Evan stayed close to his wife, hovering when she got up to get meals for the children, sitting beside her, watching her. However, the tension Shann was feeling now had far more to do with Angie. Shann was sure the other woman was avoiding her, and her gaze rarely met Shann’s.

  Corey came over and leaned over Shann’s chair from behind her, arms around her neck. She turned her head and kissed him on the cheek. “Mum, Antony says we can visit Tiger when we go up to Cairns. Can we go?”

  “Cairns is a long way away,” Shann began.

  “You can come up any time you like, Shann,” Leigh said lightly. “We have plenty of room, and we live right on the water. Corey would love it. Evan’s usually working so the kids and I could show you around.”

  Shann murmured noncommittally, and she noticed Evan made no comment.

  “We so enjoy our stays up there, don’t we, Mike?” Ann turned to her husband.

  “The fishing’s superb. I’ve been meaning to show you some photos, Jim. I’ll go and get them.” Mike Callahan went into the house. When he returned he and Shann’s father swapped fish tales while Ann and Leigh talked about the beauty of tropical north Queensland and the Great Barrier Reef.

  By eight-thirty Corey’s eyelids were beginning to droop so Shann excused herself to get him into bed. Her father decided to go home, too, and they made their good-byes with Ann urging Shann to return and have a cup of tea.

  Shann saw her father and Corey into bed and wished she could simply go to bed herself. She was tired from her full-on week at the Muster, and she suspected she was somewhat emotionally drained from seeing Leigh again. But Liz would expect her back at the Callahans, and she knew she wanted to see Angie again. They needed to talk.

  She walked down the back steps and headed for the side gate between the two properties. As she stepped into the Callahans’ yard a dark figure detached itself from the shadows and took hold of her arm.

  Shann’s throat constricted on a scream, and she instinctively pulled back. As she did so she recognized Evan Radford and that fact did nothing to reassure her. She felt as though he had been glowering at her all evening.

  “Sssh! Don’t overreact,” he said urgently.

  “What do you want?” Shann got out, moving toward the back of the Callahans’ house and the lighted deck.

  “I just want to talk to you,” he said flatly.

  “I’m sorry, Evan, everyone’s waiting for me.” She stretched the truth.

  “This won’t take long. I want you to—” he looked away, and then his hand gripped her arm again “—come out the front.”

  Shann stiffened, suddenly alert, preparing to flee. But what could he do? Both families were nearby.

  “Where’s Leigh?” Shann asked him.

  “She’s putting the kids to bed. But I want to talk to you alone.”

  “I don’t think we need to talk about anything, Evan, alone or otherwise.”

&n
bsp; “I think we do. Come on. It’s Leigh I want to talk about.”

  Reluctantly Shann followed him, and they stood by the front veranda in the dull glow from the streetlight. Shann could hear the faint murmur of conversation from the back so she knew the others would hear her if she needed to call out.

  “I don’t want you to start anything with Leigh,” he said through clenched teeth. “I want you to leave her alone.”

  Shann stared at him, totally nonplussed, but before she could reply there was a slight noise above them and they both looked up. Someone moved toward the front door, and Shann was sure she’d caught a glimpse of Angie’s short fair hair as the figure entered the house.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “I said I want you to leave her alone,” Evan repeated, and Shann drew her attention back to him.

  “Look, Evan, it’s not necessary for us to be having this conversation.”

  “And I know it is.” He leaned toward her and lowered his voice. “If you think I’m going to stand by and let you try to—”

  Shann held up her hand. “Back off, Evan. I’ll only ask you once.”

  He hesitated and then moved back a step. “Are you still a dyke?”

  “I don’t see that that’s any of your damn business.”

  “Well, where’s your kid’s father? I didn’t think lesbians wanted kids.”

  Shann felt like slapping him. “Corey’s father is also no business of yours. And being a lesbian has nothing to do with wanting or not wanting children,” she added through her teeth. “Now, I’m not going to stand here and trade insults with you, Evan. We’re not kids any longer so stop acting like one.”

  “I’m not—” And just as suddenly his bravado left him. His face was drawn and pale in the shadowy light. “Leave Leigh alone, Shann. If not for me then for our kids. You’ve got a son of your own. You’d know what it’s like—” He drew a steadying breath. “I’m prepared to do anything. If you want money—”

  “Evan, please.” Shann held up her hand. “I have no idea what you think is—” She shook her head.

  “And I’m prepared to apologize for what I did back then,” he continued.

  Shann stilled. “Apologize for what?”

  “For stirring the guys up, telling them you were a dyke. And for the night of Leigh’s parents’ party.”

  “The party?” Shann swallowed.

  “When Leigh told me about you coming on to her I was furious. You must understand that?” He appealed to her. “I’d had too much to drink at the party and calling you names and the rough stuff, it wasn’t enough. I was . . . I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Leigh. And losing her to you, well, that was worse.”

  He glanced at Shann and away again. “This guy Caleb knew gave him some stuff you put in drinks. It . . . we wouldn’t have used it, but we were pretty drunk. I put some in your drink.”

  “You drugged me?”

  “I was angry, mixed up, and I’d had too much to drink. I know that’s no excuse but—I feel like shit about it, okay?” He ran his hand over his short hair. “When Leigh was trying to sober me up Angie came inside and said you were sick. I knew it was from the drink we gave you, and I’m sorry about that, too. I want you to know I wouldn’t have done anything. Neither would Caleb or the Kingston twins.”

  Anger rose in Shann. “Can you say that for certain?” she asked him clippedly.

  “Well, I all but passed out, but Caleb swore to me next day that they didn’t.” He hesitated. “Did they?” he asked uncertainly.

  Shann ran a shaky hand over her tensed jaw.

  “Fuck! Leigh told me no one knew who got you pregnant. Tell me it wasn’t Caleb or the other guys after we put that stuff in your drink.”

  “It wasn’t Caleb or the others,” Shann said flatly.

  “I never thought . . . I didn’t even think . . . Look, Shann, I’m sorry. But I loved Leigh.” He gave a negating exclamation. “I love Leigh. She’s my life. And our kids. They’re our life.” He held Shann’s gaze. “I couldn’t go on if she . . . if Leigh left me. I know how she feels about you, and I’m asking you to leave her alone.”

  Shann sighed. “You have nothing to fear from me, Evan.”

  “But before, out the back, I saw her kiss you,” he got out brokenly.

  “On my cheek,” Shann told him. “Like friends do. I’m not in love with Leigh in that way and she, well, she loves you, Evan. She told me that.”

  He barely moved, and Shann had a feeling he was close to tears. “She said that?” he got out thickly and Shann nodded.

  “Yes, she did. Now, I do have to go, Evan. Liz will be wondering where I am.” She stepped past him and strode back along the side of the house.

  She desperately wanted to see Angie. If only she could hold her, tell her how much she loved her. But when she rejoined the others, Ann told her Angie was tired and had gone to bed. Leigh had finished putting her children to bed, too, and Shann could only accept the cup of tea Ann offered her. When Evan finally came back out onto the deck Shann decided she’d had enough. She found she couldn’t meet his eyes, and she had no desire for further conversation with him. When she suggested to Liz they call it a night Liz agreed, and they said their good-byes and went home.

  Yet sleep was a long time coming for Shann. She wanted to apologize to Angie, say all the things she’d held herself back from saying. She wanted to tell Angie she loved her so much, and that she wanted the two of them to spend the rest of their lives together. In the morning, she promised herself, she’d do just that.

  But, of course, by the time Shann had dropped Corey at school and returned to settle her father and Liz it was midmorning. She felt totally on edge, wanting, and yet just a little apprehensive, about talking to Angie. What if Angie had overheard Evan and misconstrued what he had said? She paced up and down the deck trying to decide what to do, what to say to Angie. She’d have to go over to the store, talk to her.

  “Shann, your tea’s getting cold,” Liz was saying as Leigh hailed them.

  She walked up the steps to join them. “Am I in time for a cuppa?” she asked brightly, looking across at Shann.

  “Shann’s just made some,” Liz told her and poured Leigh a cup.

  Leigh sat down. “Great. Thanks, Liz. Dad and Mum are at work and Evan’s taken the kids and the dog down to the park. Peace at last.” She laughed.

  “Come and sit down, Shann,” Liz admonished. “You’ve been prowling like a caged lion.”

  Shann crossed the deck to sit at the table and took a sip of her cup of tea. “I guess Angie’s at work?” she asked Leigh, and Leigh’s eyebrows rose.

  “Yes. She was off bright and early this morning,” she replied dryly.

  Shann flushed a little, knowing she was being hopelessly transparent, and when she slid a glance at Liz her sister gave her a piercing look.

  “We had such a nice time last night, didn’t we, Shann?” Liz said pointedly. “It was like old times.”

  “Apart from all the extra wrinkles.” Leigh laughed. “Shann and I were discussing those yesterday, weren’t we?”

  “Yes.” Shann stood up, suddenly coming to a decision. “Um, Leigh, I wonder if you’d mind staying with Liz for an hour or so. There’s something I need to do.”

  “Shann, I don’t need a babysitter,” Liz protested. “I’m fine and Derek’s in with Dad.”

  “Of course I can stay,” Leigh agreed. “I haven’t seen Liz in ages, and Evan won’t be back any time soon. The kids will talk him into going for an ice cream from their favorite shop so take your time.”

  “Thanks, Leigh.” Shann turned to her sister as she felt in the pocket of her jeans for her car keys. “I won’t be long, Liz.” She could see Liz wanted to ask where she was going, and Shann gave her sister a quick grin. “I’m going to check up on the tomato stakes you ordered from Angie,” she said, and then she hurried out to her four-wheel drive, leaving Liz to make what she wanted of that.

  Shann walked through the hardware store toward
Angie’s office. She tapped on the door and poked her head inside. A young woman was sitting at Angie’s desk using the computer, earphones over her ears.

  She looked up, lifted the earphones, and smiled across at Shann. “Can I help you with something?”

  “I was looking for Angie.”

  “She’s not here at the moment, but she’ll be back this afternoon. Can I give her a message?”

  “No, thanks. I’ll call back later.” Shann closed the door, and her heart sank. She walked back past the coffee shop, the delicious aroma of the coffee reminding her of Angie. How was she going to wait for hours?

  “Hello, Shann. How are you?”

  When she saw Joe Radford approaching Shann cringed. “I’m fine, Joe. I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

  “I guess you’ve caught up with Evan and Leigh,” he said chattily.

  “Yes. Last night. Well, I’ll see you later.”

  “Don’t forget to give Wade a call, will you?” he followed Shann as she tried to move off.

  For a moment Shann wasn’t sure what he was talking about and then she remembered his recently divorced older brother. She was trying to formulate a noncommittal reply when he continued.

  “As I said to Angie when she was heading over to her unit, I think you and Wade would have so much in common.”

  Angie was at her unit? “How long ago did Angie leave?” she asked Joe as casually as she could.

  He looked earnestly at his watch. “Oh, I’d say about forty minutes ago.”

  “Oh. I’ll catch up with her later then. See you, Joe.” Shann left him and hurried back out to her four-wheel drive.

  It didn’t take her long to get over to Angie’s unit and park outside. She hurried into the foyer and before she could allow herself to think about it, she pushed the buzzer for the penthouse.

  “Yes.”

  At the sound of Angie’s voice Shann’s legs went weak. She swallowed to clear her throat. “It’s me. Shann. Can I come up?”

  There was a moment of heavy silence.

  Chapter Fourteen