Prisoner of Trebekistan: A Decade in Jeopardy!

by Bob Harris

  CHAPTER

  26

  WHERE ALL KNOWLEDGE IS KEPT

  Also, Eleven More Sentences That Are Actually True

  These are the last six categories I will see on the Jeopardy! stage.

  Dan and Dara are standing together at the center contestant podium.

  Strangely, I’m the man standing on the host’s mark, greeting a room full of family, old friends, and people I’m not allowed to consider old friends for security reasons. I have crossed briefly to the other side of the river-blue stage. It is quiet. It is calm. There are warm smiles as far as the lights let me see.

  Alex is watching. From the audience. This is a very odd sight.

  The impossible does happen in Trebekistan, it seems.

  As you’ve gathered, the producers said yes to Dan and Dara.

  And the state of California said yes to me being holy and all. For a strictly limited twenty-four-hour interval, required to use specific verbiage in several parts of the ceremony, and explicitly restricted to civil actions divested of all trace of the transcendent, I have the power to perform sacred rites.

  It’s the first marriage I’ve performed in my life.

  This would have been strange enough. But the place, on this stage, pushes the day into reverie.

  There is Dara, looking lovely in a silk Mandarin cheongsam. Dan is as dapper as always. They are signed in together with the electronic pen.

  To Dan’s right, at the champ’s spot, is his brother John, the best man. On Dara’s left, at the far podium, is the matron of honor, Dara’s sister Carrie.

  The two families are gathered at the edge of the stage. Jane’s silently GWEEEPing and perhaps slightly weeping with glee.

  Besides Alex, the entire show is pitching in, showing Dan and Dara this kindness. The tech guys have rigged the game board with the vows. The soundman is up in the booth with the Think Music. Someone has even adorned the podium with fresh flowers.

  It’s the end of a long taping day. They are all staying late, with goofy smiles on their faces. There may be rationales—there must be, given the strictness of security and lawyers—so of course there’s no friendship involved.

  It’s my role here, as vow-giver, to be a serene and comforting force. Consider what you’ve read, and see just how likely that seems.

  But many years have gone by since I first took that one sharp breath in the green room. This is easy. It’s a hillside. It’s a temple. It’s the Snow Belt. This is Ironwood. It’s a cave in Malaysia. It’s Trebekistan. I know my way here.

  So as Dan and Dara have requested, the opening theme plays. I stride out in a suit and an old pair of shoes, which I will now choose to remember as my wedding shoes, and begin to relax. Welcome, everyone. It feels just like a chapel should feel.

  I walk to Alex’s podium and read a few simple wise words from the Book of Common Prayer. John reads a psalm. Carrie reads from Romans. Dan and Dara quote Star Trek and Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula. They are happy and loving and a little bit loopy. And they mean every word to each other.

  We begin the Ceremony Round. Dan has control of the board. He selects WEDDINGS for $200. The clue reads as follows:

  A MAN CUSTOMARILY SAYS THIS IF HE SHOULD CONSENT TO HAVE THIS WOMAN TO BE HIS WEDDED WIFE…

  followed by the rest of the vow.

  The Think Music plays. Dan buzzes in with a smile. It is softer than the one I first saw on this very spot. “What is ‘I do,’ Bob?” he responds, and Dan has $200 and a bride.

  Dara takes her turn, choosing the $400 clue.

  A WOMAN CUSTOMARILY SAYS THIS IF SHE SHOULD CONSENT TO HAVE THIS MAN TO BE HER WEDDED HUSBAND…

  The Think Music plays again. Dara knows the correct response, as she has since the day she met Dan. “What is ‘I do,’ Bob?” and Dara has $400 and a husband. She also takes a $200 lead.

  An exchange of rings later, that’s how the scores end. So technically, Dara has won in a runaway. But we all call it even.

  You can see some of the game as an extra on the Jeopardy! DVD. It’s an excellent match between two very close equals. Dan and Dara are now husband and wife. A last win on Jeopardy! is the first thing they’ll share.

  It is exactly the wedding they wanted, and the happiest one I could hope to see. I stride over to shake Dan’s hand, and then bring the marriage certificate. Alex signs this, as the wedding’s official witness. Using his podium to write on, he looks completely delighted.

  People often ask me what Alex is like.

  I think now you know.

  I notice, while he’s writing, a small drawer on the podium. It’s hidden from the camera and players. Few people realize it’s there.

  This is where Jeopardy! keeps all knowledge in the universe.

  I am told, and you must believe, this is where they still keep the ancient coconuts handed down by the Merv. Not to mention everything learned since, through the ages.

  It seems remarkably tiny, to hold so much information. But this is Sony, after all. They’re pretty good with the small stuff.

  For a moment, while everyone’s taking pictures, I can peek if I want to. I can see how the rest turns out, and much time is left for us all in the round.

  But no.

  That would be getting ahead of the story.

  So there’s Susanne, now retired. It is so good to see her. And here’s Maggie, the new head wrangler, and Glenn, Grant, and the rest. There are at least a dozen more folks whom I wish you could have met along with me. Harry, the man in charge. Rocky, a former player, now a senior producer. And Rebecca and June and Lisa and Kevin and Cole and Renee and Ayesha and Luci and a whole slew of people I will never admit the slightest affection for, out of respect for the show’s security.

  Jane and I stand to one side, near the giant game board. We are sharing a slow glass of champagne.

  Center stage, Dan and Dara are dancing together, their first dance now as husband and wife.

  This very stage, you should know, was used not long ago to film MGM musicals, before Sony and Jeopardy! moved in. Jane and I didn’t know this when we sang in the car, but (in a Trebekistan turn we were both pleased to learn) Judy Garland herself once danced to a familiar old tune not far at all from this very same spot.

  Sing Hallelujah, come on, get happy, we’re gonna chase all our cares away…

  Dan and Dara are dancing in a way Jane and I never quite have.

  Perhaps someday soon we will dance this way, too.

  So at last this is the end, the real end, of my Jeopardy! career, the part where Morgan Freeman begins to narrate, and you know it’s time to get your coat.

  I think it is, anyway. I assume. But I admit I don’t know.

  But I’m still, and will remain, gladly trapped in Trebekistan. I am eager to see more of its farthest fields.

  Soon I will go off to find the wild pudu on a small Chilean island. I want to glimpse these tiny fragile deer with my own eyes. I would like to see Bhutan while I and it are both still here.

  Jane might come with me. Or not. I hope and believe. But I admit I don’t know.

  I’ll keep traveling, until the future comes, hoping to be a good passerby. With budget tickets, simple needs, and just one backpack to carry, it’s amazing what it’s possible to find. Leslie Shannon, now happily married in Finland, wants to meet next in Beijing. Chuck Forrest, now in Rome, tells me to not to miss Sarajevo. I’ve promised a full report when I see him next time. He’ll choose the restaurant. I’ll buy dinner. I’ll let him choose the wine.

  I have, in a way my father could have only dreamed for me, high hopes.

  I don’t remember what year it was the first time I failed the Jeopardy! test. I don’t need to. They’ve given me much greater things to wonder.

  Eleven more sentences, all true, and with deep appreciation to you for reading, as we stop twisting the timeline and at last slip back into the moment where I’m sitting right now:

  I am not in a coffee shop, but at a bright blue kitchen table,
where Trebekistan smells of fresh spices, wet paint, and a light ocean breeze.

  In the spare bedroom, there remains a large mound of old boxes and plastic bags, my possessions still stacked in a quiet scared pile.

  But the mountain is shrinking. The boxes are opening. Small items are gently climbing onto new shelves.

  Jane is in the next room, rearranging books, merging collections, as I write this. She is singing, in fact, although I don’t know the song.

  This book itself has made me see connections I had not quite appreciated, subjects I should have learned long ago.

  I realized at last it was time to unpack when I was writing the chapter where we scored the big touchdown. We are both finally home.

  That’s the real happy ending, so I’m telling you now.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  There are so many people to thank for their kindness that I could write an entire book for precisely that purpose. Fortunately, I just did, and you’re reading it. However, above and beyond:

  Shana Drehs, this book’s editor, took a chance on me, embraced my habit of treating language like Tunisian crochet, and braved long hours as a result, while remaining so playful that I hope she’ll continue to tell me I’m not making any sense yet many times in the years to come.

  Marly Rusoff is the literary agent who realized that this book was more than just a possible magazine article. She took a chance on me, too, and then found Shana. This book wouldn’t exist without her.

  Arthur Phillips is a best-selling novelist and fellow Jeopardy! contestant whose modesty and encouragement made me imagine that maybe I could tell a decent story, too. He took a chance on me by introducing me to Marly.

  Susanne Thurber, for many years the Jeopardy! contestant coordinator, was kind enough to laugh at my jokes and invite me to play in the first place. Without her, I never would have met Arthur.

  Harry Friedman, the show’s executive producer, and many other people behind the scenes have created a lighthearted world in which I have met many bright people I like very much. Without them, I never would have met Susanne, or anyone mentioned below. I would also mention Merv and a long chain of others, but you get the point. This could turn into the Jeopardy! credits themselves, which would not be completely mistaken.

  Twenty of my fellow players (including Arthur, above) generously agreed to share their own memories, either in person, over the phone, or via e-mail. You’ve met most of them in the previous pages, but unfortunately not all, and none of them as much as I wish were possible. So thanks here to Alan Bailey, Robin Carroll, Josh Den Hartog, Eugene Finerman, Chuck Forrest, Leslie Frates, Matt Mann, Dan Melia, Eric Newhouse, Fred Ramen, Michael Rooney, Brad Rutter, Rachael Schwartz, Leslie Shannon, Ben Tritle, Jerome Vered, Grace Veach, Kate Waits, and Kim Worth. My affection and gratitude is such that I can only hope that someday all of us may again not be allowed to speak to each other.

  Finally, special thanks to Alex Trebek, without whom the resulting book would have been called Prisoner of Stan.

  RECOMMENDED READING

  Consider the following a basic starter kit for those who want to try this at home. Some players have other books they’ve found most useful. These are mine. A few are out of print, but you can probably find them online with diligence.

  Books by former players

  Forrest, Chuck, and Mark Lowenthal. Secrets of the Jeopardy Champions. New York: Warner Books, 1992.

  Or, as it is known in my house, the Holy Scroll.

  Dupee, Michael. How to Get on Jeopardy and Win! Secaucus, NJ: Citadel Press, 1998.

  A brief guide to game tactics and betting strategy, plus hundreds of things to study. Not mentioned in the story only because it came out after my first run through the show, and by then my apartment was pretty much a reference section anyway, so I didn’t use it as much as you might.

  Jennings, Ken. Brainiac. New York: Villard Books, 2006.

  No idea what’s in it, actually, since it will be released about the same time this book is. But Ken’s a bright guy—this just in!—and much funnier than a lot of folks may realize. I don’t know if it’s even about Jeopardy!, but I bet it’s a good read.

  About Jeopardy! in general

  Richmond, Ray. This Is Jeopardy! New York: Barnes & Noble, 2004.

  More clues and history. Lots of neat color photos. The Final Jeopardy from my fifth game is on page 167.

  Jeopardy! producers. Jeopardy!…What Is Quiz Book 1? Kansas City: Andrews and McMeel, 2000.

  Along with volumes 2–4, a massive collection of actual show clues. The fastest way in print to get a handle on what categories come up most often.

  Trebek, Alex, and Peter Barsocchini. The Jeopardy! Book. New York: Harper Perennial, 1990.

  Show history, actual clues, and even sheet music for the Jeopardy! theme, which contains key signatures that will make your eyes cramp just looking at them. I believe the third chorus is in H-sharp.

  Other books good for long nights alone with your practice buzzer

  Wright, John W., ed. The New York Times Almanac. New York: Penguin Reference, 2006.

  Dry as your bones and almost as worth owning. Vast amounts of basic material, conveniently packed into one spectacularly dull volume, published annually.

  Barraclough, Geoffery, ed. Atlas of World History. Ann Arbor, MI: Borders Press, 2001.

  This at least has bright colors and lots of arrows zipping all over the maps. Don’t go crazy, but this covers lots of history and geography in one neat lump. Good place for Hanseatic League stats, for you history rotisserie buffs.

  Rubin, Louis D., ed. A Writer’s Companion. New York: Harper Perennial, 1995.

  A fantastic source of raw material for making insane notebooks filled with lots and lots of cartoons you can never show anyone. More exciting than porn. OK, that was a complete lie. But still.

  Gombrich, E. H. The Story of Art. London: Phaidon Press, 2004.

  An unbelievable value. Incredible photos of significant stuff, and lots of them. Heavy enough to break a horse.

  Jones, Judy, and William Wilson. An Incomplete Education. New York: Ballantine, 1995.

  Whatever your worst subject is, there’s probably a chapter or two in here that will help. You’ll laugh, too. Fabulous.

  Petras, Kathryn and Ross. World Access. New York: Fireside Books, 1996.

  A good companion to the previous book. Some overlap.

  Murray, Chris, ed. Dictionary of the Arts. New York: Gramercy Press, 1994.

  If you don’t know Dickens, there’s a complete list of his works on page 149, next to Diaghilev, The Dial, the diatonic scale, and the goddess Diana.

  Tuleja, Tad. The New York Public Library Book of Popular Americana. New York: Macmillan, 1994.

  More focused on the U.S.A. John Singer Sargent, William Saroyan, and Sasquatch, all in the same place—under S, not under THINGS THAT REALLY NEED A SHAVE.

  Moore, Bob and Maxine. Dictionary of Latin and Greek Origins. New York: Barnes & Noble, 1997.

  A good start on your derma. Not quite enough sclera. But you could do worse.

  Baggaley, Anna, ed. Human Body. London: Dorling Kindersley, 2001.

  Lots of anatomical and medical stuff. Also, the drawings will occasionally make you feel a little oogy. So that’s fun.

  Murphy, Bruce, ed. Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.

  The mother ship. More here than you will ever need or read in your lifetime. Best to skim the 1,144 pages, just looking for half-familiar stuff you want to know. That said, I’ve seen both the first and last entries (Aaron and Zwingli) come up on the show. This is a good time to recoil in terror.

  Smith, Nila Banton. Speed Reading Made Easy. New York: Warner Books, 1983.

  This paperback edition is the right heft for tacks, finishing nails, and other small jobs. For masonry, cold chiseling, or any metalwork, you’ll need the bigger and heavier 1987 edition.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  WHO IS BOB?

  Bob Harr
is has written for media ranging from the TV show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation to National Lampoon magazine. In between, he has been a nationally syndicated radio humorist, an online columnist for Mother Jones, and a playful debunker of urban legends on the TLC reality series Almost True Stories.

  The Hollywood Reporter once described his work as “goofy and well-informed.” This seems about right.

  He lives in Los Angeles.

  For more of Bob’s work, visit BobHarris.com.

  To spend more time in Trebekistan, visit PrisonerOfTrebekistan.com.

  Copyright © 2006 by Bob Harris

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  www.crownpublishing.com

  Crown is a trademark and the Crown colophon is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Harris, Bob, 1963–

  Prisoner of Trebekistan: a decade in Jeopardy! / Bob Harris.—1st ed.

  1. Jeopardy! (Television program) I. Title.