Ruby Rogers is a Waste of Space

by Sue Limb

  ‘Oh, loads,’ I told her. ‘His bedroom’s full of them. Loads and loads.’

  ‘Really?’ Holly’s mum smiled. Her lipstick was very pink, and some of it had got on to her teeth. It was quite funny, especially as she was so elegant otherwise. ‘You see, Ruby,’ she went on, ‘I don’t know whether Holly’s told you, but I’ve got a little art gallery in the High Street. It’s called Jazz. Maybe you’ve seen it?’

  My mind went blank. I couldn’t remember a gallery. It seemed rude to say so, though.

  ‘I’m not sure …’ I said.

  ‘Anyway, I have exhibitions there all the time,’ said Holly’s mum. ‘And I was wondering if maybe we could do an exhibition for Joe. The thing is …’ She hesitated and looked a bit embarrassed. ‘I’ve got a gap in my schedule for the week after next. Somebody’s cancelled.’ She looked at me hopefully. I just went on chomping my nachos. I was hoping she’d remember that I was a young girl, not a jet-setting artist’s agent. (Although give me time …)

  ‘What I was hoping,’ Holly’s mum went on, ‘was that I might be able to come round and see Joe’s work, and talk to him, and see if he likes the idea of an exhibition. Would you mind asking him? And it’s all a bit of a rush, I’m afraid, because of the cancellation.’

  ‘I’ll tell him as soon as I get home,’ I said. It would be an amazing break for Joe. But I’d have to confess to stealing his model in the first place.

  ‘Thank you, Ruby! I hope your parents won’t think it’s pushy of me or anything.’

  ‘Oh no!’ I said. ‘I’m sure they’ll be pleased.’

  I was worried, though. Mum didn’t like the sound of Holly, and she’d got this stupid prejudice about piercings. Maybe she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with Mrs Helvellyn either. Maybe she’d be a bit frosty about having her over, even to see Joe’s stuff.

  After we’d finished eating, Holly asked if I’d like to go up and see her room. I did. It was amazing! The walls were actually black and there were huge heaps of jewellery and witches’ hats and eyeballs that glowed in the dark. She had a laptop up there and she played me a bit of her DVD of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then it was time to go home.

  Holly’s mum drove me home, and we went through the centre of town. As we were going down the High Street, she slowed down and pointed to a shop with mirrors and spotlights, and bronze statues of bulls and deer in the window.

  ‘That’s the gallery,’ she said. I gasped. It was amazing – so cool! Imagine Joe’s stuff being displayed there! How completely and totally brilliant!

  Mrs Helvellyn dropped me off at my door and then drove away. She said she didn’t want to ‘intrude’. So it was up to me to explain the whole thing. I was, of course, more terrified than ever.

  I tried hard to get myself into a gangsterish mood, to give myself courage. But it didn’t work. For a start, I’d have to ‘fess up to stealing the sculpture. Joe would be furious that I’d even been in his room. And even though it was so obviously a big break for him, he might not buy it.

  What if he got into one of his sulky moods, and refused to show Holly’s mum his work or anything? As I walked up the front path, half of me was fizzing with hope, and the other half was sick with fear.

  Chapter 15

  Wait! Stop! Don’t go!

  Mum was asleep with her mouth open, Dad was behind the paper, and Joe was texting somebody. Meanwhile, on the TV, some people were fighting in a pub, in a vain attempt to attract my family’s attention.

  ‘Hi, guys!’ I said, and sat down on the rug by the coffee table. Dad gave me a smile. I just had to tell them this evening. Mrs Helvellyn might ring up tomorrow wanting to talk about it. Holy Baloney! She might just ring up tonight!

  I glanced secretly at Joe. He was frowning at his mobile, but kind of smiling to himself. How angry would he be when he knew I’d stolen his model and shown it to people? He might do something terrible to all three of my monkeys.

  Soon the TV programme ended, and Dad jabbed the remote to switch it off. He sighed.

  ‘What a load of old codswallop,’ he said. ‘I’m going to give up watching soaps. I’m going to give up watching football too.’

  ‘Hey, Dad!’ said Joe. ‘No need to go that far. Man Gives Up Watching Football. Insanity Suspected.’

  Mum stirred in her sleep.

  ‘Well, what time’s the next train?’ she said in a weird zombie-type dreaming voice. ‘I’ve got to get to London. I know they have toilets there.’ Then she suddenly woke up. ‘Oh my goodness!’ she said. ‘I was asleep! I’m so sorry! Did I snore?’

  This had to be the moment when I told them. They were at least all awake now, and the TV was off. My heart went into thudding overdrive.

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ I started, speaking in a hectic rush. Joe got up from his chair and slouched towards the door.

  ‘Wait! Stop! Don’t go, Joe! It’s all about you!’ I yelled. Joe stopped and scowled.

  ‘Wha’?’ he grunted.

  I told them that I’d gone home to have tea at Holly’s and that I’d just got talking about Joe’s sculptures and Mrs Helvellyn had got very interested. I talked really fast so Mum couldn’t get a word in. I saw her frown when I mentioned the dreaded word ‘Holly’.

  I decided not to mention anything about stealing the model from Joe’s wardrobe. I knew I’d have to mention it before tomorrow, because Holly’s mum would let the cat out of the bag, but right now I thought I’d stick to the good news.

  ‘And the good news is, she’s got a free week at the gallery the week after next, and if she likes Joe’s stuff, he could have an exhibition there in that week,’ I said. ‘So she wants to come tomorrow to see all his model thingies. Sculptures.’

  ‘She’s not coming up to my room,’ said Joe with one of his darkest scowls. Honestly, some people!

  ‘We could set all your models out in the garden!’ said Mum. ‘The weather forecast’s good for the next few days.’

  ‘I’ll mow the lawn!’ said Dad.

  ‘We can give them tea and sandwiches out there!’ said Mum. ‘We can make some of those chocolate brownies!’

  ‘They’re not supposed to be sculptures,’ said Joe sulkily. ‘They’re models for installations. They shouldn’t really be small like that. They’re supposed to be big – big enough to fill a room. Or even a whole street.’

  ‘Oh shut up, Joe, you idiot!’ said Mum, getting up excitedly and clearing away the tea tray. ‘You never know what it might lead to. Somebody posh might come in and see your models, and offer you the chance to do a big one in public.’

  I couldn’t help laughing then, and even Joe kind of sniggered a bit. Mum looked puzzled.

  ‘What have I said now, you disgusting creatures?’ she asked. Then she shook her head, laughed, and carried the tray out. Joe was still smiling. This was my moment.

  ‘I borrowed one of your models a couple of days ago,’ I said. ‘To show her. Well, to show Holly actually.’ Joe looked shocked. And maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed for a second as if he blushed slightly.

  ‘Which one?’ he asked.

  ‘The one like a duck’s skeleton with the egg inside and the egg is an eye really. It was in your wardrobe.’

  ‘Never go in my wardrobe again or you’re dead meat,’ said Joe. ‘And anyway, that one’s rubbish. You should have taken the Eiffel Tower dressed up in a fur coat.’

  But I could tell he wasn’t really cross. Phew!

  Chapter 16

  Fantastic! Fabulous!

  Next day, everything was ready. The lawn had never been so mowed. It looked as if it had been to the hairdresser’s. At one end, under a big sun umbrella, was a table with tea things set out. The whole house smelt of chocolate brownies. And all Joe’s model things were set out on the low wall that separates the lawn from the vegetable garden.

  We were all in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Mum was giving the teaspoons an extra polish.

  ‘Go and answer the door, Ruby!’ sh
e whispered. ‘They’re your guests.’

  My heart was thudding away like mad as I ran to open the door. And there stood Mrs Helvellyn, Holly and even Tom.

  Mrs Helvellyn was looking totally fabulous in a cream dress and blue glass earrings. You could tell she’d just washed her hair and her lipstick was a lovely shade of bubble-gum pink. Holly was wearing her usual bright red lipstick, but she wasn’t all in black. She had on a nice pale green blouse, and she was carrying her camera. Tom was just ordinary in a baseball cap. I hoped Mum wouldn’t be put off by Holly’s piercings.

  ‘Come in!’ I said. Mrs Helvellyn swooped down and kissed me on both cheeks. She smelt nice. But I hoped she wasn’t going to kiss everybody. Especially Joe. Holly kissed me too.

  ‘Hope my mum isn’t too embarrassing!’ she whispered.

  ‘Hope mine isn’t!’ I whispered back. The mums had already met, and Mrs Helvellyn was being invited out to the garden, where Joe was waiting, looking as if he’d like to murder everyone. But I knew he was excited really.

  Right away, Mrs Helvellyn started swooning over Joe’s sculptures. Tom and Dad got talking about cars or something. Thank God I’m not a boy. I couldn’t talk about cars for a split second.

  Holly started taking photos. Most of the photos were of Joe’s work, but I noticed she did take a few ones of Joe when he wasn’t looking. Then she came up to me.

  ‘Smile please, Ruby!’ she said. ‘I want a portrait of The Artist’s Sister. Say cheese!’

  ‘Boursin,’ I said, trying to be clever.

  ‘You prune!’ said Holly. ‘That one will look like you’re burping.’ She took a few more.

  ‘Stop it,’ I said. ‘I haven’t ironed my hair today.’

  Holly laughed and sat with me on the grass. I noticed Joe was looking at us as he stood obediently by Holly’s mum, soaking up her raptures. Mrs Helvellyn was in art heaven.

  ‘Oh my God! Fantastic! Fabulous! … And look at this one! … Oh, and here’s Big Ben dressed as a witch! How witty! … Oh, and look at this boat with wings!’

  ‘My mum has fallen for Joe’s work,’ whispered Holly. ‘She’ll never leave him alone now. He has acquired a middle-aged female stalker. Every teenage boy should have one. The ultimate fashion accessory.’

  I got the giggles. Holly looked around, sighed in a happy kind of way and put her arm round me.

  ‘I love your garden!’ she said. I was amazed.

  ‘The trouble with our garden,’ I said, ‘is that we haven’t got a big tree.’ Holly looked sympathetic.

  ‘Oh, your wonderful tree house idea.’ She looked around. ‘I see the problem.’

  ‘I couldn’t have one here,’ I said. ‘I was hoping to have one out in the country somewhere, but I’ve given up on that now, because … Well, I couldn’t raise the money.’

  ‘But it would be a bit of a nuisance anyway, always having to go out to the country whenever you wanted to be in your tree house,’ said Holly. ‘Never mind, though, Rube.’ She gave me a squeeze. ‘I’ve had to give up on my iguana.’

  ‘Oh!’ I said, disappointed. ‘Why?’

  ‘I realised that the best place for an iguana is the rainforest or wherever it is they live,’ she said. ‘But I’m planning a trip to see them in the wild, and you can come. In fact, we’ll go and live in the rainforest.’

  ‘In a tree house!’ I said.

  ‘Exactly!’ said Holly. ‘With iguanas and monkeys wall-to-wall! Except there won’t be any walls!’

  She squeezed me again, so hard that I sort of barked, like an unattractive small dog. I so adored her. I’m going to be exactly like Holly when I’m a teenager.

  ‘Well, Joe,’ said Mrs Helvellyn when she’d examined every one of Joe’s models in detail, ‘I’m terribly, terribly impressed. I’d love to stage an exhibition of your sculptures the week after next. What do you think?’

  Joe went bright red and did one of his special pleased frowns. I hope she realised it wasn’t just an ordinary rude frown.

  ‘Whatever,’ he said. ‘Yeah, cool.’ I suppose that was quite polite, by his standards. At this point Mum saved the day by bringing out the tea.

  After Holly’s family had gone, we all carried Joe’s sculptures back up to his room. Mum and Dad went downstairs to the kitchen but I hung around for a minute, looking at the bird-boat model which I’d destroyed.

  ‘I’m sorry I trashed that model of yours,’ I said. ‘But you shouldn’t make me lose my temper.’

  ‘Local Girl Loses Temper,’ said Joe. ‘Bus Flattened and Primary School Hurled into the Air.’

  ‘I did make it up to you in a way, though,’ I said. ‘By setting up your exhibition thingy.’

  ‘Well, don’t expect any thanks,’ said Joe. ‘Although if you’re really lucky, to show my appreciation, I might kick you downstairs.’ By our standards this amounted to a declaration of brotherly love.

  Life was getting better. Joe was talking to me now instead of sulking and glaring. It always makes things a bit easier if the male animals aren’t in a grim old strop about something.

  I went to my bedroom and lay down on the bed with my monkeys. It was only a few days now to my birthday, but I knew that my dream of a tree house had gone for ever. Unless Holly had really meant it about going to live in the rainforest.

  I felt a bit sad about the tree house. But as long as Joe’s exhibition was a success, and Holly was still nice to me, life would be much more birthdayish anyway.

  Chapter 17

  It’s a mystery!

  A few days later the birthday actually arrived. It was on a Saturday, which was great as it meant that Mum wouldn’t have to be at work. I woke up early because I was so excited, even though I knew there wouldn’t be much of a fuss. I got dressed quickly and ran downstairs.

  Mum and Dad were sitting having breakfast, but they sang ‘Happy Birthday’ even though their mouths were full of toast. Typical! So unstylish. Still, I was pleased, and I hugged and kissed them both.

  There were some cards and presents from aunts and uncles, and Granny and Grandpa, and Nanny and Gramps. But I couldn’t help noticing that there was nothing from Mum and Dad. Or Joe (who, by the way, was still in bed – of course.)

  But I didn’t mention it in case Mum and Dad just hadn’t been able to afford anything. They’re always going on about how hard up they are. So I just sat down and tried to decide which cereal to have.

  ‘Well?’ said Mum.

  I looked around. The room looked normal. Mum looked normal. Dad looked normal. There was no cute puppy with a bow tied round its neck.

  ‘Well what?’ I asked.

  ‘Aren’t you wondering what we’re going to give you, petal?’ asked Mum.

  ‘Well,’ I said shyly, ‘I thought we might not be able to afford anything, and that’s all right … It’s fine.’

  ‘Aah, bless her!’ said Mum to Dad. ‘No, don’t be daft, petal. Of course we’re going to give you something. After breakfast you and I are going to get in the car and go and collect Yasmin … and then you’re going to have a Mystery Day Out.’

  ‘A Mystery Day Out?’ I said. My heart gave a funny little jump. ‘Brilliant! Where are we going?’

  ‘It’s a mystery,’ said Mum with a wink. I gobbled up my cereal. I could hardly wait.

  It was a shame, but Dad and Joe couldn’t come. Joe would be very busy all day because his exhibition opened soon, so he had to be at the gallery helping Mrs Helvellyn to arrange the models. And Dad was going to help him. I knew Joe’s exhibition was mega-important, but I wished they could have come on the Mystery Day Out with us instead.

  ‘Are we going to the sea?’ I asked. We live miles from the sea. We only usually go there when we’re staying with Auntie Megan in North Wales.

  ‘No, it’s not the sea, love,’ said Mum. ‘It’s too far to drive all the way to the sea. But in a way it’s better than the seaside – I promise, you’ll have loads of thrills!’

  A thrill ran through me immediately, just thinking about
the thrills. We got in the car and waved goodbye to Dad. (Joe was still in bed.)

  First we called at Yasmin’s. She was waiting with a present, wrapped in wonderful paper covered with blue stars and yellow comets. I unwrapped it right away.

  It was a fabulous gangster outfit! Pinstripe suit, black shirt, wide tie and a trilby hat. ‘Oh my gawd!’ I screamed. ‘I want to wear it NOW!’ So I got changed while Mum was driving down the road. (Nobody saw.)

  ‘How did you get it?’ I asked Yasmin.

  ‘My mum ordered it on the internet,’ said Yasmin. ‘It arrived last week. It was a big secret and I nearly told you twice.’

  ‘I love it!’ I said.

  Yasmin had brought her Game Boy. We played on it constantly – and Mum didn’t even ask us to turn the sound down. We drove out of town and along the motorway for ages and ages. Then, suddenly we arrived at the gates of The Mystery Place.

  Chapter 18

  I almost exploded with rage

  It was a safari park! I’d never been to one, but I’d always wanted to. We drove slowly along winding little roads. There were huge shady trees with actual lions lying down on the grass under them. It was so amazing to see them right up close like that.

  But best of all were the monkeys! They were everywhere. The car slowed right down so it was hardly moving, and they jumped up on the front and played with the windscreen wipers. One of them rubbed his bottom against the glass. Gross! We screamed with laughter.

  There was a tiny baby monkey, clinging to its mother’s fur. I wanted to stay for ever. In fact, I was quite tempted to jump out of the car and run away and live with them.

  Once we’d been through the park, there was the best adventure playground I’d ever seen, with a huge tree in the middle. And guess what! There was a tree house built in it, with rope bridges and everything. It was massive, and we spent ages climbing about in it.

  ‘So you see?’ said Yasmin. ‘You got your tree house after all!’ I grinned. Obviously, I would rather have had my own tree house rather than having to share one with loads of other kids I’d never met before, but I didn’t want to sound ungrateful.