by Emma Miller
“I put a fork by your plate.”
Bram stifled the urge to take her in his arms. He satisfied himself with stroking her hair. Funny. He had never liked children before, but this little girl...
“Susan, come sit down.”
Ellie blushed when he caught her eye, and she gave him a brief smile as Elizabeth directed Bram to a seat and the family took their places.
When they bowed their heads for the silent prayer, the ticking clock in the front room was the only sound, propelling him back to his grossdatti’s table. He could almost hear Grossdatti’s voice reading from the Christenpflicht, the book of prayers, after the meal. What would his life have been like if the old man hadn’t died when Bram was so young?
As the prayer ended with a soft “amen” from John, he looked up, directly into Ellie’s blue eyes. Her face reddened as she turned away to help Susan choose a piece of chicken.
“What do you have left to do on your farm before you can move in?” John asked as he passed Bram the bowl of potatoes.
“The house isn’t livable yet. I thought I might be able to use one room, but then I found a family of skunks living under the floor. They put up a fuss when I tried to get them out of there.”
“How did you do it?”
Bram looked around the table. Reuben had asked the question, but everyone was staring at him, including Susan.
“I used a trick I learned from my grossdatti.” Bram’s mind flashed back to the day he had watched the old man trap skunks. He must have been Susan’s age.
“I took a box—the right size, of course. It had to be low enough so the skunk couldn’t lift its tail.” The little girl’s eyes got even bigger. “I put a dead fish in it and waited. Sure enough, right about moonrise, here came a mama skunk and her four babies out from under the house and into the box.”
“What did you do?” Benjamin asked between bites of potatoes.
“I had an old horse blanket that I threw over that box and wrapped it up tight.”
“Didn’t they spray you?”
“Ne. Remember, the mama skunk couldn’t lift her tail.”
“What did you do with them?” Susan’s voice quavered.
Bram hesitated. Susan’s eyes were wide and trustful. He couldn’t tell her he had drowned the entire lot.
“I took them out to the woods.”
Reuben and Benjamin nodded at each other. Ne, he hadn’t fooled them.
“What about their dat?” Susan asked.
“I caught him the next night and took him out to the woods with his family.”
Bram glanced up at Ellie and grinned. The corners of her mouth twitched as she tried to keep herself from smiling. She had enjoyed the skunk story.
“Did I hear they had electricity on the Jackson farm?” John asked.
“I didn’t find any electric lines. I don’t think the power company has gotten that far yet. There were telephone lines, but I took those down.” That had been hard. He could think of a hundred reasons to keep a telephone, but there was still one big one to get rid of the lines. No Amish farmer would have them.
He glanced at Ellie again. She caught his look, her blue eyes smiling. He could drown in those eyes if he wasn’t careful.
What had he gotten himself into?
* * *
Ellie took as long as she dared washing up after the noon meal. Bram and Dat were on the front porch, visiting. How long was he going to stay? How long could she stall? But he was waiting to talk to her, to ask her to come see his farm, to go riding with him.
It was tempting. To have such a nice-looking man look at her the way he did—she hadn’t felt that for such a long time. But what if...what if she gave in to him?
Resolve straightened her back like a rod of cold steel. She wouldn’t give in to him. Let him be charming, let him be good for Johnny, let him bring a smile to Susan’s face. He wasn’t going to get to her. She wasn’t going to risk that loss again.
When Danny and Susan began fussing in the next room, she couldn’t put off taking them home any longer. It was past time for their naps. Mam sat with her feet on a stool, taking a much-needed sit-down while she watched the children play in the front room.
“Thank you for dinner, Mam.” She helped the children put the blocks away.
“It was nothing. You did most of the work.” Mam’s voice was relaxed, content. She’d take a rest, too, if it kept her as serene as Mam.
Susan yawned as they walked along the path to the Dawdi Haus, and Danny was already nodding on her shoulder. Ellie kept her face toward her destination. She hated this feeling. She longed to see Bram again, feel his gaze on her and enjoy just being with a man again, but she couldn’t let herself give in to that pleasure. What if she enjoyed it too much? What if she got used to it and then...
Why didn’t he politely ignore her so they could both go about their business?
After seeing Susan and Danny to their beds, she wandered back to her kitchen to look out the window.
“What are you looking for?” her whispered voice scolded. As if she would be looking for someone.
Ellie gathered her sewing from the front room. She had a bit of handwork to do on Johnny’s new pants and hated to sit inside on such a beautiful day. The glider under the tree in the side yard was out of sight of the big house and the barn. She always enjoyed this shady, secluded spot where she could lose herself in her thoughts. No one would know she was there.
She threaded her needle and began to finish up the hem of the trousers. It needed to be good and deep, with plenty of room to let it out as Johnny grew.
“This is a nice place to sit.”
Bram’s voice came so suddenly that Ellie jumped.
“I didn’t mean to startle you. I saw you come around this corner of the house, and I wondered where you had gone.”
Ellie didn’t answer. His voice was quiet, almost intimate. She slid over on the seat as he sat down beside her. Her mind was whirling—what could she do now? His weight made the glider rock back as he sat and he let it swing forward again. Could she just tell him to leave her alone without sounding too rude?
He pushed the glider back again with one foot. The motion pulled at her mind to relax, to enjoy the feeling of his strong presence.
“That was a good dinner you made.”
“Denki.” She took another stitch.
Bram kept the glider moving. How long would he sit there if she didn’t help keep the conversation going? Did she really want him to leave? It was one thing to tell herself she didn’t want him around when she was alone in Mam’s kitchen, but it was quite another when he was sitting next to her, smiling at her, as he was when she glanced at him.
“Did I hear you say you’re going to pick up your new buggy this afternoon?”
“Ja, that’s right. I’ll need to leave in a little while to get there on time, but I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Talk to me?” Ellie’s sewing slowed, then stopped.
“To ask you to try out my new buggy with me sometime. I’d like to get to know you better.”
“I...I don’t know....” Ellie could feel her face blushing. She was acting like a girl with her first beau. What was wrong with her? She should just tell him no.
“Why not?” Bram was persistent. “Is it because I’m new? Or because I lived Englisch for so long?”
“Ne.” That wasn’t what she meant. “Or ja, it was at first, but not now.”
“Then you just don’t like me.”
“Ach, ne, it’s not that....” Ellie turned to him. How could he think that? Had she gone too far? But he grinned at her with that same cocksure grin, the dimple winking at her. She couldn’t help smiling back at him, and then she looked away. What a tease he could be!
Bram turned in the glider so
he was sitting sideways, facing her. He put his arm along the back of the seat, his hand brushing her shoulder. Ellie almost sighed with the comfortable pleasure the light touch gave her. It was so tempting to spend time with this man....
“Ellie.” Bram’s tone was serious now. “I know I shouldn’t... I mean, I can’t help feeling that...well, there’s something about you that I...I think if we spent some time together, we could learn to be friends.”
Ellie looked at him. He was teasing again, wasn’t he? His eyes held hers. She knew. As she looked into his blue eyes, she knew she could never just be his friend, and as quickly as that thought came, fear followed on its heels.
“I can’t.” She whispered the words, tears filling her eyes. She couldn’t look at him anymore.
“Why not?”
“When I lost Daniel...” Ellie stopped, took a deep breath and let it out to steady herself. “It hurt so much. I can’t go through that again.” She turned to him, willing him to understand. “Don’t ask me to risk that.”
Bram looked toward the barn, the muscle in his jaw working. Was he angry?
“I can’t promise that you won’t be hurt.” This time he was the one who whispered. Not angry. He was afraid, too, but of what?
Ellie blinked back the unshed tears. Where had that steel rod of resolve gone? The sensation of this man sitting next to her, encircling her within the shelter of his arms with a bare touch, had banished her determination in a single moment. What would an afternoon or evening with him do?
“I...I can’t...”
Bram looked at her, but she turned her face away. She was too close to giving in to risk looking at him. He didn’t speak, didn’t move.
After a long minute she turned toward him, ready to say that he should leave, but the look on his face arrested her. She had never seen him so open, so vulnerable, so tender. He lifted his hand to her face and touched the strand of hair that always came loose. He let it run through his fingers and then tucked it behind her ear. He leaned closer, his eyes locked on hers.
“You’re right.” His voice was hoarse, strained. “I know you’re right. I can’t let you risk this.”
Then, abruptly, he was gone, striding toward the barn. He didn’t look back.
Ellie’s hand shook as she picked up her sewing again, her mind following after Bram as he disappeared around the corner of the house. Her eyes blurred.
The tears that had waited at the edge for so long threatened again, pushing to be released. She hadn’t cried when Daniel died, not even through the long months of that winter. She hadn’t cried through all the lonely evenings of the spring and summer, or even during Sally’s wedding the past fall.
Even when Levi Zook had come courting, even when the temptation of joining their families together had enticed her, she hadn’t given in. She had stood firm, holding on to Daniel’s dream, keeping the tears walled up.
But now, after this one man showed a hint of tenderness, a crack threatened to burst the dam. Slow, hot tears wet her cheeks as her thoughts raced.
What was it that battered against her defenses? Was it Bram’s gentle touch?
She went over their conversation in her mind. It wasn’t anything he had said; it was what he did. With his arm around her she had felt sheltered, protected. She hadn’t felt so cherished since Daniel had held her last.
The memory of her own helplessness as she had willed Daniel to live, to breathe, to open his eyes assailed her.
“No, no, no!” she whispered to the air, to someone...to Gott? “Don’t ask me to do that again.”
Dat’s words during the preaching on Sunday came back to her. What was it he said? Trust Gott? A sob rose in her throat at this thought.
She furiously stopped the tears that threatened to overwhelm her again. She needed to think this through. He had hit the center of her whole problem. The layer of cotton fog that lay between her and the sisters and brothers at church, her fear of loving again, the way every day was a hard chore to get through... The trust was gone. Gott had betrayed her.
Trusting Him had been so easy once. Joy had been part of her life before, and she longed to have that feeling back. She had done all the right things, lived the right way, but there was more she needed to do.
Gott knew she had closed her heart to Him. The tears fell freely again as she considered this. She had closed her heart tightly against the loving Father of her childhood.
It wasn’t my fault.
The protest rose against a flood of accusations. It was her fault. Could she ever be forgiven?
Trust Him. Was it as simple as that?
A phrase from Mam’s favorite Psalm echoed in her mind: “He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust.”
Even her? Did He cover her with His feathers? Even though she was the one stubborn chick who must poke her head out from under the shelter?
The words were simple enough. Gott could be her refuge, her protection. He would lead her in the right way, if only she could trust Him enough to follow—allow Him to forgive.
Tears streamed down her cheeks as the dam ruptured. She buried her face in the bundle of Johnny’s trousers, letting the tears flow. Long minutes passed until the wrenching sobs left her empty of every feeling, drained and exhausted.
She had nowhere else to turn except to hide under His wings. She must trust Him.
* * *
Bram struggled to shut the door in his mind. A lesson he had learned in Chicago was to never show your feelings to anyone. Keep thoughts, memories and emotions behind mental doors. That was the only way to survive. But this door refused to shut.
What was his problem? She was just a girl. He had known plenty of girls before, girls who were a lot prettier than that Plain woman sitting on the other side of the house. Even as he tried to convince himself, he knew that his arguments didn’t work. Babs’s brittle brightness didn’t compare to the gentle womanliness of this one.
She was just a girl! He hammered mercilessly on that imaginary door, willing it to close, shutting away the urge to rush back and crush her in his arms, to kiss her and keep kissing her until she yielded to him and promised to be his.
He stopped short at the barn door. John Stoltzfus would see right through him if he walked into the barn like this.
He took a deep breath, willing the mask to fall across his face. Emotionless, unaffected. He had to get that mental door shut, and quick.
Stop thinking about her.
If he wasn’t careful, he’d find himself trapped in a marriage he didn’t want, slogging through every day following some horse around a field...
It doesn’t have to be like that.
No, it didn’t have to. He saw that in the way John Stoltzfus looked at his wife. Even after all these years, they had something his mam and dat had never had.
But that life isn’t for you. Stop thinking about her.
That blasted lock of hair. He rubbed his fingers on his pants to get rid of the silky softness and felt the revolver in his pocket. The unyielding metal stopped him short. Letting his breath out with a whoosh, he felt the door slam shut. Cold, hard reality had done it. If he got too caught up in a girl, it could be the end of him.
Not just him. Cold water ran through his body at this thought. He looked back at the Dawdi Haus, sheltered close under the maple trees that filled the yard around it. If the mob had any idea he cared about someone, it would be their first weapon against him. He’d have to keep that door closed and locked, no matter how tempting it was to open.
* * *
Ellie pumped water onto a towel and held it to her eyes, glad the tears had finally stopped. The cool water felt good against her hot face. Susan would be getting up from her nap soon, and she didn’t want swollen, red eyes to be the first thing she saw.
The ache was
gone. Ellie dropped the towel from her face and stared out the kitchen window. The crying had washed away the pain in her chest, arms and throat that had become so normal she barely noticed it. But now it was gone.
She rinsed the towel in fresh water and held it to her face again.
The door of the children’s bedroom opened quietly. Ellie put a smile on her face as she turned to greet Susan—a smile that didn’t need to be forced. The little girl yawned.
“Did you have a good nap?” Ellie sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Susan onto her lap.
Susan nodded as she leaned against Ellie. Ellie held her close for a minute, and then she straightened her up so she could rebraid Susan’s mussed hair.
“We’re going to work in the garden until it’s time to make supper.” Ellie combed her fine hair with her fingers and then started braiding. “Will you help me?”
“Ja. Danny can help, too.”
“Ja, when he wakes up.”
The beans that needed thinning were at the end of the garden closest to the main house. Susan skipped along the path in front of her.
They hadn’t gone far when Ellie heard Danny’s cry. He hadn’t slept long, either.
“Susan, I’m going in to get Danny. I’ll be right back.”
Susan nodded and stopped at the foot of the ramp leading to the barn to wait. Ellie hurried into the house.
All was quiet as she looked in the door of the bedroom where Danny was sound asleep. He must have had a dream.
As she stepped back out to the porch, she saw Bram leading the big gray gelding down the ramp to the lane. The horse was skittish, prancing sideways and pulling on the halter while Bram talked to him, calming him.
Then she saw Susan. The little girl stood like a statue at the bottom of the ramp, staring at the horse’s dancing feet as they came closer and closer. Bram hadn’t seen her—couldn’t see her as the horse moved sideways, blocking Susan from his sight. The girl didn’t move.
With her heart pounding, Ellie ran toward her daughter, but she couldn’t move quickly enough. The horse kicked and danced—he would step right over Susan; she would be hit by his hooves.
