by Emma Miller
“Bram!” She screamed his name as she ran. “Stop!”
Thank Gott in heaven, he heard her.
Bram halted the horse, calming him with his voice and hands. She saw his face when he noticed Susan just a few feet away. He turned white, then gray. He looked at Ellie, and his eyes reflected her horror of what might have happened.
Ellie reached for Susan, but he held out a hand to stop her.
“Let me.” He smiled at her, his face changing in an instant, as if he had slid on a calm mask, and then knelt in front of Susan. The horse shook his head, watching Bram, but stood quietly.
Ellie waited, trying to catch her breath. What was he doing?
“Hello, Susan,” he said, his voice quiet and controlled.
Susan’s eyes were wide, staring at the horse, and tears ran down her cheeks. At the sound of Bram’s voice, she looked at him as he knelt at eye level between her and the horse.
“I just bought this horse from your dawdi.” Bram went on in the same quiet tone. “Do you want to say hello to him? His name is Partner.”
Ellie’s instinct was to grab Susan, take her away from the horse. Why torment her like this? But Susan relaxed at Bram’s words and even took a step closer to him. He gave her a reassuring smile and picked her up. A rush of warmth flowed through Ellie as she recognized the same step she had taken toward Gott just a little while earlier. Susan placed her trust in Bram.
“Partner is so happy to go for a walk with me that he was dancing down the ramp. Did you see him?” Bram’s even voice was quiet, inviting.
Susan nodded and leaned against Bram’s shoulder, as far from the horse as she could get, but she smiled.
“Do you want to say hello to Partner?”
Susan nodded again.
“Then talk like this.” Bram started saying nonsense words in a singsongy voice that made Susan laugh. She imitated him in the same tone of voice.
“Have you ever felt how soft a horse’s nose is?”
Susan shook her head, staring at the horse. He was still calm, watching Bram.
“Take your hand like this.”
Ellie watched him take Susan’s hand and stroke the horse’s nose. She shook her head in disbelief. How did he do that?
Bram turned toward her, and Ellie stepped forward to take Susan from his arms.
“Denki,” she said, “Susan has been so frightened of horses ever since—”
“I know,” Bram interrupted her. “Your father told me about it.”
They stood close together, Susan reaching for Partner while Ellie held her.
“I’ve been thinking...”
Bram didn’t say anything, wasn’t even looking at her. He held the horse’s head still while Susan patted the whiskery nose.
“I’ve been thinking that I would like to go riding with you.”
Bram shot her a quick look. What was that in his eyes? Fear? Ne, longing. Longing that matched her own. He nodded, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.
“I’d like that, too. How about Sunday afternoon? There’s no church that day, right?”
Ellie nodded. “Sunday afternoon will be fine.”
Bram gave her a quick smile, but it was a smile that never threatened to slide into his grin. Did he regret asking her? He tucked that stray strand of hair back behind her ear again with a shaky hand.
What had she gotten herself into?
Chapter Eight
Thursday at noon Ellie ate a quick lunch with Mam while Dat and the boys were at Bram’s farm with the other men. Dishes were done in no time, and Ellie settled the last plate into the cupboard with a quiet clink. She closed the door and turned to survey Mam’s kitchen. Were they finished already?
“Doesn’t take much to redd up after such a small meal, does it?” Mam wiped the crumbs from the oilcloth on the table.
“Ne, with Dat and the boys away, it was a quiet dinner.”
“Why don’t you put Susan and Danny down for their naps here, and you can help me finish up my new quilt top.”
Susan loved taking her afternoon nap at Grossmutti’s house, sleeping in the big upstairs room that Ellie had once shared with her sisters. Danny was already asleep by the time she laid him down on the bed next to Susan. She smiled at her daughter as she pulled the door closed, and Susan responded by putting her own little finger to her lips in a sign that she would be quiet. Susan would be asleep by the time Ellie reached the room off the kitchen that Mam used as her sewing room.
Mam had most of the blocks already pieced and was arranging them on the sewing table.
“Who is this quilt for?” Ellie asked, picking up one of the blocks. From the colors, it looked as if Mam had used leftover scraps from making men’s shirts. She had arranged the blocks on her worktable to form the Tumbling Blocks pattern.
“I’m hoping it will be for your brother Reuben.”
“A quilt for Reuben? Then he’s serious about someone.”
Mam’s eyes twinkled as she switched blocks around to work out the best order for them.
“You know your brother. He won’t tell us for sure, but he’s out every Saturday night with someone. And he spends most of Saturday afternoon cleaning his courting buggy.”
“It will be fun to have another wedding in the fall.”
“Ach, ja, it will.” Mam looked at Ellie. “Maybe two weddings? Wouldn’t that be fun?”
“But who else would be getting married? Benjamin is too young....” Suddenly Ellie realized what her mother was hinting at. “Now, Mam, don’t be getting any ideas.”
“Not get any ideas from the look in Levi’s eyes when he sees you?”
“I’ve already told him ne. I feel sorry for him, but that’s no reason to marry.”
“He needs a wife.” Mam sighed as she switched another block around. “Dat and I thought it would make a good match last fall, you and him. Both of you needing someone, and his little ones need a memmi for sure.”
“Mam, we’ve talked about this already.”
“Ja, I know.” Mam waved a quilt block in the air. “But some time has passed. I thought perhaps you had changed your mind.”
“Ne, Mam. Nothing has changed.” Her mind brought up the image of Bram, the tender look on his face as he had let that stubborn lock of hair glide through his fingers.... Her cheeks grew hot. Something had changed, but not with Levi. Levi had never made her blush.
Mam gave up any pretense of working on the quilt and looked directly at Ellie.
“It’s time I spoke plain to you, Ellie Miller. You need a husband, and your children need a father. The Bible tells us that young widows should marry, and it’s time for you to be thinking about it.”
Ellie sat down in one of the small rocking chairs, still holding two of the blocks in her hands, forgotten.
“Ach, Mam, I know I should marry again, but I just don’t feel ready.”
“Daughter, you’ll never feel ready.”
“But what if...”
“What if you lose him, too?” Mam finished the sentence for her quietly. “Is this what has been holding you back? And I’m not just talking about marriage—I’ve noticed it with the family and with the church family. You’re holding yourself at a distance from everyone.”
“Ja.” Ellie nodded. “I’ve just come to realize that when Daniel died...” She stopped and wiped away a tear. Tears came every day lately. She took a ragged breath. “When Daniel died, it was like my whole world stopped. I just haven’t been able to go on.... I’ve been so afraid that Gott will take someone else—one of the children, or you or Dat. If I married again, I’d have to risk losing a husband all over again. I’m just not sure I’m ready to do that—to take that risk.”
Mam came to sit in the other rocking chair, next to her. She laid her hand
on Ellie’s arm. The touch was comforting, warm, familiar.
“Ja, I’ve seen your struggle. But you can trust Gott.”
Ellie gave her mother a small smile. “That’s just what Dat said in his sermon.”
“Well, he’s usually right.”
“Ja, he is.”
“What about Levi? I’ve seen him with his children. He’s a good father, and he would treat your children as if they were his own.”
Ellie nodded, tears threatening again. Levi was a good father, but the look on Susan’s face as Bram held her, helping her to overcome her fear of the horse, tightened her throat.
“Don’t let your pride stand in the way of Gott’s plan for you and your family, Ellie.”
Mam’s words interrupted her thoughts like a burst soap bubble.
“Pride?”
“Pride is a terrible sin. It can make us think that we know better than Gott does. It can make us afraid to trust Him and His plan for our lives.”
There was that word again. Trust. It should be easy, shouldn’t it?
“But how do I know what His plan is?”
Mam smiled as she patted Ellie’s arm and went back to the worktable.
“Do you remember when you told me you and Daniel had decided to marry?”
Ellie’s mind flew back to that long-ago time. Had it really been almost nine years?
“You told me that you knew Daniel was the one for you because you were so happy.”
Ellie nodded, unable to trust her voice. That had been such a joyful time, full of bright promise.
“Listen for Gott, Ellie, and look for that same feeling of peace. When we are in Gott’s will, He gives us peace. Whether Levi is the right one for you or not, Gott will lead you to the right decision.”
Levi? That decision had already been made. Levi was a nice man and a good father. Someone would love to be his wife, but not her. Marriage to him would mean not only submitting herself to his will, but it would also mean burying Daniel’s dreams for his children. Johnny, Susan and Danny would become part of Levi’s many children.
And Daniel’s legacy would be buried forever.
* * *
Bram leaned on the top rail of the pasture fence. It had been a long day, but now ten acres were plowed and planted to corn. It would be a good cash crop to start out. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his face and neck again.
Matthew joined him at the fence. “We’re heading home, Bram.”
“I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Ach, don’t worry about it. It’s what we do.”
Was it really as simple as that? Eight men had taken an entire day of work, a day they needed for working on their own places, and had spent it here on his farm. Bram swallowed. A farm that he’d be leaving behind as soon as he found Kavanaugh. With any luck, he’d never even see this corn harvested come November.
Bram thanked each of the men as they left his farm. When he reached Bishop Yoder, the old man took Bram’s hand and held it in his own frail ones, but his voice was strong.
“I haven’t officially welcomed you back. I hope you’re feeling at home here.”
“Ja, Bishop. The church has made me feel very welcome.”
“There’s a baptism class starting next week. You’re welcome to join it.”
Bram’s first instinct was to give a pat reply—assure the bishop that he’d be there—but lying to the elderly man didn’t come easy.
“I’ll have to let you know....”
Bishop nodded, reached up to pat him on the shoulder and then turned to climb onto the seat of the waiting wagon with his two grown sons.
As tired as he was, Bram tried to feel elated over the bishop’s words. This meant he was accepted, that they were willing to talk to him about joining the community. But going through baptism and everything that went with it? He was already misleading the church by making them think he was settling here permanently. Bram shifted his shoulders. Lying to that kind old man didn’t feel right.
Bram joined John as he stood looking over the newly planted fields. He could hear Benjamin and Reuben hammering in the barn. They had volunteered to repair the box stall and manger so it would be usable.
“A lot of work got done today,” John said, his voice tired.
“It sure did. The men really helped out. Getting such a late start as I did, I would never have been able to do this on my own.”
“You know you’re not alone. When you become part of the community, they help you out.” John scraped his boot on the bottom fence rail. “They know you’ll return the work when it’s needed somewhere else.”
Bram rubbed his face, feeling the late-afternoon stubble of his beard. “My dat...well, you know what he was like. I don’t remember him ever helping out like this.”
The sun rode high in the sky, even though suppertime was near. The world he had lived in growing up—that world where his dat avoided the other men of the church as much as they avoided him—was far away from this place.
“I saw you talking with Bishop Yoder.”
“Ja. He invited me to join the membership class.”
“That would be a good step, but it isn’t something to take lightly.”
Bram looked out across the field again, his gut twisting uncomfortably.
“Ja, I know. I’m not sure I’m ready yet.” Would he ever be ready to join the church? Maybe, if he was able to stay around long enough. For the first time in his life, the thought appealed to him.
“It’s better for a man to wait, if there are things in his past that need to be dealt with first.”
John’s voice was easy, companionable, but his words went straight to Bram’s heart, leaving him gasping for air. He had this man figured out, didn’t he? He shifted his eyes to John’s and then back to the field. Why did he have the feeling John saw right through him?
* * *
Bram stood in the center of the drive, between the barn and the house, alone at last. His farm. His fields. His frogs croaking by the stream. It was almost ready for him...ready for a family. He could almost hear children’s voices calling from the barn, could almost smell supper cooking on the stove.
Bram stared at the kitchen window of the empty house. A family? What if he had found someone to marry all those years ago? What if he had never left? Would he have the kind of life Matthew and Annie had?
Probably not. He would have become his Dat all over again, just like Samuel, drowning himself in moonshine and anger.
Those years in Chicago weren’t wasted. Peters had made something of him—but what? He was good at what he did, and bringing criminals to justice was the right thing to do. So why did his life still feel so empty?
The west-facing window was golden with the reflected setting sun. Dappled shadows played across the surface. If Ellie were there, she’d watch for him through that window. She’d wave and smile; the corners of her mouth would upturn in anticipation of the long summer evening stretching before them.
Ellie. She wasn’t in his plans. He had no business getting involved with a woman, especially her. If she was hurt because of him...
He didn’t know what he’d do.
And yet, what if she married someone else? Someone who could take care of her, be a father to the children. He shut his eyes at the thought of Johnny’s delighted face, Danny’s drooling grin, the memory of Susan’s shy, sweet smile. So much like her mother.
He rubbed his face with both hands, looking around him. He was still standing in the middle of the barnyard, mooning around like some lovesick teenager. What was happening to him?
The back door of the house stood open. He’d opened both the front and back doors earlier in the day. That skunk smell was fading, but it would need a few more days of airing before the house was livable
. He walked through the house to the front bedroom and slid the window closed. The window faced north, and a lilac bush half covered it, throwing the room into shadow. He faced the room, leaning against the windowsill.
Bram buried his face in his hands. The thought of what he should do wrenched his gut. He should keep his distance. Shut every thought of Ellie Miller away. Why did he ever have to meet her? He couldn’t marry her. Why had that thought ever entered his head?
But the memory of the few close moments they had shared on her glider the other day came roaring out of the sealed place in his mind. He groaned with the thought of never letting himself be alone with her again. But that was what he should do. He had to forget her. He had to. He could never be just her friend.
If the mob ever found out about her...
He forced his thoughts to obey. Shut the door. Lock Ellie away. Keep her out of your thoughts.
He tried to remember Kavanaugh’s narrow face, the noise of the city, Babs’s platinum bob, to bring something—anything—else to his mind, but the only image that came was a stubborn lock of hair that escaped its confinement under a pure white kapp. Ellie again. It would always be Ellie.
He wrenched his thoughts away. Why couldn’t he forget her?
With a dash of cold clarity, he knew. God was doing this. Tempting him. Destroying him. What was He doing, meddling in this? It had nothing to do with Him! Bram had spent his entire life ignoring God; why couldn’t He do the same?
Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him.
The memory of John’s sermon played like a record needle caught in a groove. John had said that was what he was supposed to do.
Trust God? The way his life was going, he couldn’t trust anyone, especially God.
What if he did? What if he trusted God to take care of Ellie, and then He failed?
Did God fail?
What if God trusted him to take care of Ellie, and Bram failed? He’d try his hardest, but he had failed before, and he would do it again. He couldn’t bear the thought of being responsible if something happened to Ellie or the children.
Trust Him.
Did he dare?
* * *
Sunday morning Ellie woke with a dream still haunting the edges of her memory. Daniel. She sat up, trying to clear the lingering remnants of the dream. What time was it?
