by Emma Miller
Amid the predawn clamor of the birds, the dream became clear. She was at a Sunday meeting at the Troyers’, and Daniel stood at her shoulder. She had turned toward him—what a joy it was to see his dear face once more—but his expression turned to reproach.
“What about the children?”
He had spoken softly, urgently, and then said it again.
“What about the children?”
Then he had turned and walked away from her.
Was he disappointed in her? What had he meant? The children were fine, weren’t they? She was trying to keep his memory alive for them.
But Daniel’s plans for his family were dropping in the dust with her struggling strawberry patch. They were dying, and she was doing nothing about it. She couldn’t let that happen, could she?
Ellie turned on her stomach, burying her face in the pillow so her crying wouldn’t wake the children. Grief and regret pulled long sobs from her throat, cries of anguish that were swallowed by the pillow. She had failed Daniel while he was alive, and she continued to fail him now that he was dead.
Her heart burned.
“Ach, Gott.” Her voice was a cry of anguish in her head, but only a hoarse whisper escaped into the pillow. “Ach, Gott, help me. Why is this so hard?”
Maybe she didn’t want to fulfill Daniel’s dreams. The thought tore another sob from her throat. How could she think that? She was Daniel’s wife. She had promised to work with him in life, and as he lay dying all that long, hot September day, she had promised to continue what they’d started.
What about her own dreams? Had they died with Daniel?
The sobs turned to deep sighs, and Ellie turned to look out the window. Through the top pane above the curtain, she could see the pink-and-yellow streaks of the coming sunrise.
For months she had devoted every thought, every decision to the children, to making sure they received the legacy their father had wanted to give them. Daniel’s words from her dream thrummed once more.
Ellie rose from her bed and peered out the window at the lightening world. An uncomfortable shadow in the back of her mind demanded attention. She had to face it. Her dreams? They were for her, not for the children. Stubborn through and through. Would she ever learn her lesson?
What she wanted wasn’t what they needed. Mam was right, Lovina was right, even Levi Zook was right.
Ellie wiped a hot tear from her cheek. She needed a husband. Her throat tightened. Ja, and the children needed a father, a strong man who could teach them the right way to live through his example.
Across the road, the woodlot stretched to her right. When she was a little girl, she had seen a deer there once, the first one she had ever seen. Dat had been as excited as she was, and he had told her how the deer had been hunted for so long that they were very rare, and she was especially blessed to have seen one. Dat shared that special memory with her, something that belonged to the two of them.
Her own children had no dat to share anything with. Had she been selfish to try to keep Daniel alive for them? Who would they go to when they needed something only a father could give them?
Who would she go to when she needed something only a husband could give her?
Ellie leaned her head against the window frame, turning this question over in her mind. As she watched the birds flit from the trees of the woodlot down to the bit of brackish water in the ditch where the frogs lived, a deer stepped out of the cover of the trees. The doe paused, watching, listening, then took another step and lowered her head to drink. Ellie’s breath caught as she watched two fawns follow the doe, mimicking every movement, their long ears flicking at every sound.
She had been doubly blessed by the presence of these beautiful, elusive creatures.
Her eyes filled with tears again as she caught the significance of her thought. Gott could also bless her twice by giving her two men to love in her life. Loving another man didn’t take anything away from her love for Daniel. How could she have been so blind, thinking that choosing another husband meant she had betrayed Daniel?
The tight band around her throat loosened further, and she took a deep breath, smiling up at the sky, pale yellow in the imminent daybreak.
“Denki,” she whispered.
Chapter Nine
Mam helped Susan into the family buggy Sunday afternoon. “Ellie, you’re sure you don’t want to come with us to Lovina’s? I hate for you to miss out on the visit.”
“Ja, I’m sure. I know you’ll have a good time, but I have other plans. Bram will be here soon.”
As Ellie handed Danny up to Mandy in the back of the buggy, she saw the look that passed between her parents. Well, let them think what they would, but her plans for this Sunday afternoon were simple. Bram was going to take her to see his farm and get her opinion on what needed to be done in his kitchen. It wasn’t as if they were courting!
Once the family buggy was gone, the farm settled into a quiet that Ellie seldom heard. The early-summer sun was hot, and the cows had all sought the shade of the pasture. One pig’s grunting echoed through the empty barn, keeping rhythm with the thump and clatter as he rubbed against the wooden planks of the sty.
Ellie wandered to the lilac bushes that surrounded the front porch of the big house, and she buried her face in the blossoms. They were nearly spent, but the scent still lingered. On either side of the front walk, Mam’s peony bushes held round pink-and-green buds. Another day or two, and they would burst into bloom.
Sitting on the front step, Ellie was enveloped in the fragrant lilacs growing on either side. She leaned back into the shaded seclusion and pushed aside one of the branches. Ja, even after all these years, her very own playhouse still waited between the leggy branches of the bushes. Lovina’s had been on the other side of the porch steps, while Sally’s had been around the corner.
Was that a cup? Ellie leaned farther into the bush. For sure, there were a cup and a plate, with carefully arranged leaves for food. So Rebecca and Mandy had found the playhouses, too. Had they shared that same thrill of discovery that she and Lovina had the day they found these secret places?
The measured clip-clop of a horse’s hooves on the gravel road brought her to her feet. What if Bram found her here? The thought brought heat to her cheeks. They would be alone, hidden from the road by the trees, in the cool shade of the lilac bushes. He was so bold—would he try to kiss her? Did she want him to kiss her? She rubbed her hands on her apron. Friends didn’t kiss, and friends didn’t think about the feel of his touch on her shoulder.
She hurried to meet him in the lane at the end of the front walk.
“Good afternoon.” He smiled as he greeted her, the dimple winking in his cheek. It would be so much easier to be his friend if he didn’t have the kind of smile that made her knees feel like jelly.
“Hello, Bram.” Ellie climbed into the front seat of the buggy as he brought it to a stop. “It’s certainly a nice day for a drive.”
Bram reached out a hand to help her, but she ignored it and sat as far from him as possible on the seat to still keep a friendly distance. A sidelong look told her the smile was still there. He truly looked happy to see her. Would she ever figure this man out? The last time they were together, he had hardly looked at her, had hardly talked to her. Men. She had never figured Daniel out, either.
Bram drove the buggy toward the barn and turned around in the circle drive. Partner shook his head with a nicker as Bram guided him back down the drive to the road.
“Sorry, fella. You don’t live here anymore.”
“He was good friends with Billy, Reuben’s goat. You’ll have to bring him over sometime to say hello.”
Bram looked at her. “You’re saying I should bring my horse over here just to say hello to a goat?”
Ellie laughed at the disbelieving look on his face. “If he starts f
eeling bad, you might try it. It wouldn’t be the first time animals missed their friends.”
Bram just shook his head and then laughed along with her. “Ja, I might just try it sometime.”
The laughter started the afternoon out on a friendly note. When Bram reached the end of the drive, he turned right, the opposite direction from his farm.
“I thought we might go down to the lake. The road along there is shady, and it’s cooler next to the water.”
Bram was right. As soon as they turned onto the county road that led them past Emma Lake, the dappled shade and water-cooled breeze tempered the unusually hot last day of May.
“Look at those kids play.” Bram pointed the buggy whip in the direction of some boys laughing and playing in the water. “Kids in Chicago don’t have places like this.”
“No lakes to swim in?”
“Lake Michigan is close, but for kids on the West Side it might as well be on the moon. On really hot days the fire department will open a hydrant for them to play in the water. With this depression going on, there’s nothing for them. No jobs, no money. It’s a rough life for a kid.”
Ellie tried to picture children with only streets to play in. No trees, no grass—just automobiles and noise. She had to ask him. “Do you miss the city, Bram?”
Bram was silent while he used the buggy whip to shoo deerflies away from Partner’s ears. “I did when I first left. There’s a certain excitement about the city. Always something going on. Vendors in the streets shouting, the shoe-shine boys trying to make a penny or two, the streetcars clanging by...”
Ellie stole a look at his face. Did he wish he was still there?
He returned her look. His face was serious, but then his smile crept back, filling his eyes with a light she hadn’t seen before. “I don’t miss it at all.”
Bram went back to flicking away the flies.
They turned west for a mile, the overhanging trees still giving them some shelter from the sun. Bram rode without talking, but every few seconds Ellie caught a tune that sounded under his breath. She let herself relax into the rhythm of Partner’s hoofbeats, watching the lake as they drove past.
She was on a buggy ride with a man—a man who wasn’t her husband. If anyone saw them, there would be talk that they were courting. The look that had passed between her parents told her they were thinking it might be true. There was already speculation about them, just like there had been about Levi in the months after his wife’s death. But she and Bram were friends. Nothing more. She knew how to keep her distance.
When they reached Bram’s farm, she was surprised at how much it had changed. The run-down place she remembered looked like a true Amish farm now. The house looked almost new with a coat of white paint and the shutters removed. Lilac bushes flanked the front porch, just like at home.
As they drove into the barnyard, Bram motioned to the new boards on the barn that contrasted with the weathered gray of the old siding.
“Next week I’ll be painting the barn. Still have a few more boards to replace on the other side.” He pulled his horse to a stop at the end of the brick path that led to the back door of the house. “You go on in while I water Partner. Make yourself at home and think about what needs to be done yet.”
Ellie let herself in the back door. The back porch had been enclosed at some point, and it held a sink with a pump, handy for washing up after working out in the garden. She opened the door to the kitchen and stepped in.
All of the cabinets were brand-new, and the smell of fresh lumber filled the room. She ran her hand over the wood of the nearest cabinet. Smooth oak planks were joined together with a nearly invisible seam to form the cabinet doors. Bram had taken care with their building.
She turned to take in the rest of the room. As large as Mam’s kitchen, it had room for a big family table. Bram had left space for a stove on the wall opposite the sink where the chimney would go up through the center of the house, warming the upstairs bedrooms. Even the wood floor looked as if it had been recently refinished.
This was a kitchen a wife could work in. Ellie ran her hand along the countertop. Plenty of space for baking, canning, preparing food for her family... Ja, any woman would be happy in a kitchen like this.
Ellie turned to the view out the window over the sink. Between the plowed fields and the road was room for a garden, and she could see apple trees in the yard to her right. A big maple tree stood next to the brick walk, with a low branch that was just right for a swing. Wouldn’t Susan love a swing like that!
In her imagination Ellie could see her children playing in the yard—Johnny running out to the barn to help with the chores, Susan shooing the chickens into their coop at night, Danny learning to walk in the soft grass...
Bram stepped out of the barn and closed the door behind him, smiling when he saw her watching from the window.
What was she thinking? This was Bram’s farm, and she had no right to be imagining her children living here. Her children didn’t belong here. Their farm was waiting for them. Daniel’s farm, his dream—that was where her children belonged. She owed that to Daniel. It was his legacy to them.
The morning’s dream echoed in her mind.
If Gott saw fit to bless her with another husband, it surely wouldn’t be Bram, would it? Not a man who had spent so much time among the Englisch, a man who hadn’t even joined the church yet. To marry an unbeliever would weaken her own faith and only confuse the children.
Ne, Bram Lapp was not the man for her.
She dried her wet cheeks when she heard Bram open the back door.
* * *
Bram’s heart stopped at the sight of Ellie in his kitchen. Like a bolt shot home, it was right.
But it wasn’t. Was she wiping away tears?
“Ellie, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head and gave him a bright smile. “It’s a beautiful kitchen. I haven’t looked at the rest.”
She glanced toward the door that led to the front room.
“I haven’t worked on that part of the house yet.” Bram moved to put himself between her and the disaster that was his front room and bedroom. The former owners had left everything from peeling wallpaper to overstuffed, ratty furniture, and he wasn’t about to let anyone see his house in that shape.
“What do you think about the kitchen?” He turned her attention back to this room, where every cabinet door had been finished and mounted, every drawer built, every floorboard sanded with thoughts of her. “Does it need anything else?”
“Paint. And a stove and a table.”
And her. It needed her. Here. Every day.
Bram drew his palm across the back of his neck. That was just a dream. A pipe dream, but he didn’t pull his mind away from the image.
“What color paint should I use?”
Ellie swept her gaze around the kitchen, and Bram couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her small, slim form twirled on one foot as she turned.
“Yellow, I think. But not a bright yellow. Soft, like butter.”
“Ja, yellow would look just right.” He took a step closer to her, but she turned away from him. She had been acting as skittish as a barn cat all afternoon. How could he get back to that closeness of last week? Had that one afternoon on her glider scared her as much as it had him?
“I don’t know about the stove. What kind should I look for?”
“Ach, every woman has her own likes and dislikes.”
“I know. What would you choose?”
She gave him a sideways look that made him catch his breath. She looked perfect standing there. Longing was an ache that filled his chest.
“If I were choosing, I’d want one just like my mother’s. It’s the one I learned to cook on, and I like it.” She turned toward him. “But I’m not choosing, Bram. It isn’t my home
. You need to get a stove you can use.”
Bram held her gaze, letting himself indulge in the dream for a few seconds longer. When he had found Kavanaugh and his job was done, he’d be leaving all this, but the sight of Ellie in his kitchen would belong to him forever. A picture to linger over during the lonely nights ahead.
If he could bear to leave it behind...
* * *
“I like Grossmutti Miriam’s cookies.”
“What if she didn’t make any?”
Johnny loved to tease his sister. Ellie supposed all big brothers acted like that.
“She always has them.”
“But what if she didn’t make them this time?”
Susan paused, her face clouding as she considered this. “But if she doesn’t make them, what would Dawdi Hezekiah eat?”
Ellie broke in. “I’m sure the cookies will be waiting for you when we get there.”
“Maybe...”
“Johnny, that’s enough.”
Johnny looked up at her with a grin, his brown eyes shining with fun. Ellie caught her breath. Every month that passed, Johnny looked more like his father, but the change in the past few weeks made her see Daniel in every movement and expression. Ever since Bram had come into their lives....
The children started a game of Twenty Questions to pass the time on the long drive. Danny slept in a makeshift bed on the floor in the back, leaving her free to handle the reins and her mind free to wander. She had started these monthly visits to Daniel’s aunt and uncle soon after Danny was born. The older couple grieved as much as she did. When they lost Daniel, and Ellie moved to Mam and Dat’s, they also lost their daily contact with Daniel’s children, the only grandchildren they would ever have.
“There’s the creek!” Susan shouted.
Ellie looked past the creek, the landmark the children used to know they had arrived, and saw Miriam and Hezekiah waiting for them in the drive. Their smiling faces told her she should consider bringing the children more than once a month, but when would she fit in another day for this trip? Once a month allowed her to stop by Daniel’s farm and collect the rent from the tenants.
