The Girl Code
Page 3
How Is It That:
This never-never land has so many hot guys?
These little beads manage to get you so drunk?
You never want to do any of these things when you have a boyfriend?
Guilt doesn't exist on these islands?
As a Pact with a Vacation Roommate: “I swear I'm not like this at home; they must put something in the food that gives you Club Med morals.”
INSTRUCTOR BOY
The kind of romance you have while learning some sport, during some lost weekend, that completely typifies whatever season it's in with a guy you would otherwise never date.
Everyone Should Have at Least One:
Ski instructor guy one winter,
Surfer/jet skier/yacht racing dude one summer,
Fly fisherman or mountain-climberman one fall,
Baseball or basketball player one spring.
P.S. You get extra points if he is a professional at his sport or taking a year off from school to do it full-time.
As One to Remember: “I had this instructor boy one winter who taught me hunting up north…we saw all kinds of animals and never left the cabin.”
WINTER WONDER BOY
When it's so cold out that you don't want to leave the house, and he just makes that so damn easy. Keep the heat high, the big meals coming, and the body heat between you.
Things to Beware of:
Gaining twenty pounds lounging around with your teddy bear,
Worrying about where this is going when the snow melts,
Considering getting out of this before the holidays,
Neither of you shaving for two to three months.
As a Source of Warmth: “I haven't been out partying in months, it's too cold out there and I've already got winter wonder boy in here.”
SPRING CHICKEN
This is not a type of guy, but a kind of attitude. It's the spring in your step when spring is in the air and the panic in your mind of being tied down for the summer. So, as not to get involved, you look for the friskiest guy around and start planning your spring break.
Don't Sweat the Fact That:
He'll probably never see Memorial Day,
Your parents would hate him,
He suggested Fort Lauderdale as a romantic getaway,
That your best conversations are usually over beer.
As a Personal Mantra: “So what if I'm a spring chicken and too afraid to let him in, if it's meant to be, I'll catch up with him next September.”
A MIDNIGHT SNACK
This is the guy you grab on New Year's Eve for the twelve o’ clock drop. Sometimes he's grabbed just days before, and sometimes he's grabbed right on the spot, because let's face it, anyone will do after all that cheap champagne.
Just Don't Stoop so Low as to Grab:
Some young'un so young he still believes in Santa,
Someone else's full-time snack,
The guy who just threw up,
Your girlfriend unless you mean it.
As Something You Will Later Admit: “He was just a midnight snack; I really shouldn't have kept him around till breakfast.”
BIRTHDAY ICING
This guy is similar to a midnight snack but appears only on your birthday. The same rules apply. (Ah, what the hell, you'll have a real date next year.)
At Least Follow These Guidelines:
Don't accept expensive gifts from him,
Don't ditch him in the corner if you're throwing a party,
Don't lead him to believe this expression of loneliness is actually deep affection,
Don't return his call next year if you're still this pitiful.
As a Wish When You Blow Out the Candles: “Please don't let the birthday icing find out that he's only a party decoration.”
Before, During, and After
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
—MAE WEST
THE EDDIE MONEY EXPERIENCE
When a person you are interested in merely looks at you for an extra-long moment, or perhaps holds your hand, or makes any other minor gesture in your direction, and your entire body shakes.
Necessary Reference:
Go back to your early-eighties collection of music and find “Shakin’” by Eddie Money.
As an Adjective: “The opening credits of the movie hadn't even finished when he took my hand and I had the Eddie Money experience.”
REMNANTS
Those love tokens a man leaves on your body usually around your neck or shoulders that we called “hickeys” in junior high school. For the record: After eleventh grade, these are no longer cool.
Seriously, Girls:
Don't let anyone mark you as his territory,
You're allowed to make out now, so there's nothing to prove,
Evidence of any kind can only hurt you,
The neck is the wrong area of the body for him to be spending that much time on.
As a Woman Who's Been Had: “He can't make it up here for graduation weekend, so he left these damn remnants all over me to make sure everyone knows I'm off-limits.”
ROLLING O'S
The wonderful (and, for most of us, unlikely) experience of multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session.
Usually Only Attained:
When you've had between one and three glasses of wine,
When it's between one and three A.M. or P.M.,
When you're with a partner that you just met, or
Someone you've really done your homework with.
As a Noun, Noun, Noun: “Oh, I will never leave him—we're talkin’ rolling o's!”
WAR WOUNDS
These are the slight aches, pains, and little bruises that come from an exuberant encounter with the opposite sex. Injuries should not be permanent or require hospitalization but should bring a sideways smile to your face every time one of them acts up.
Hard-Core War Wounds May Include:
Scratches down the back,
Bruising and pinch marks down the arms and legs,
Bite marks and soreness around the chest and neck,
Rope burns, anywhere.
In the Shower to Yourself: “What the hell?…Oh…[Laugh]…Ah, war wounds…[Laugh again]”
A FIRE-DRILL F**K
The insulting attempt of a man to leave his pants around one or both ankles while making love to you, for no apparent reason other than fear of a fire drill.
Best Course of Action to Take:
Feign headache,
Show dramatic signs of fatigue,
Explain that you are experiencing a “female problem” and can't participate,
Immediately tell the story of the best lover you ever had.
As a Verb: “As soon as you started preparing for a fire-drill f**k, my head just started to pound—all I can hear are my mother's words about waiting.”
CEILING FRIGHT
When you wake up in the morning, open your eyes wide, and think, “OH MY GOD, this is not my ceiling!” (Usually followed by a look to the left…you find nothing familiar…a look to the right…you find him, vaguely familiar.)
Occurring Mostly:
At state colleges,
At private colleges,
All universities,
Right before the period of self-loathing.
As a Request: “Can you please come pick me up? I've just had the worst case of ceiling fright and I don't think I can drive.”
Hairy Situations
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?”
—CINDERELLA
CIRCLE K
That special circle at the crown of the male's head where he begins losing his hair. Touch it with just one finger, and you will kill his self-esteem.
Best to Use if:
He orgasm s and you don't,
He forgets something that's important to you,
He checks out every woman who passes by,
He worries about your mother being overweight.
As an
Equalizer: “So ‘Barbie’ walks by us and he thinks he's cool because she winked at him—I told him how cute that was while lightly petting the circle k—that brought him right back to reality.”
RUG BURN
(Not what you're thinking.) When you've been making out with a man who didn't bother to shave, and you've kissed him for so long that the hair growth on his face has taken most of the skin off of yours.
This Is Particularly Hazardous:
If you have particularly delicate skin,
If you like southern European or Middle Eastern men,
If you have a job interview the next day,
If you are cheating on someone.
As a Lasting Memory: “No, it's not a bad facial, it's just a little rug burn—and when you see the Greek god who gave it to me, you'll know why it was worth it.”
AFTERGLOW
(No, not what you're thinking either.) This occurs after a woman gets waxing or electrolysis to remove hair from parts of her body where polite society presumes she never had it. It looks particularly special above one's mouth.
Ranging from:
A slight pink hue around your brows or lip,
Chicken pox down your lower legs,
Temporary third-degree burn scars around your chin, breasts, or stomach…
All, depending on how genetically cursed you are.
As an Adjective: “No, he doesn't beat me, I just have a little afterglow going today.”
SPROUTS
Those little gray hairs that you start finding that not only differ in color but in direction, too. They seem to sprout straight up from the top of your head, then curl out in every direction.
It Has Been Said:
It's better to cut them than to pull them,
It's better to color them with hair dye than to color them in with marker,
It's better to deal with them than to ignore them,
It's better to get over them now, ‘cause this is just the beginning.
As an Exasperation: “As if I didn't have enough to be angry at my mother for, I'm only twenty-two and already I have sprouts!”
MIND THE GAP
Not only the distance between the train and the platform, this is also the distance between your head and the colored part of your hair. The gap between, which is your actual hair color, is not supposed to show. Go dye one section or the other.
Go Mind to It Before It's Too Obvious:
There's no point in changing to a new you if everyone can still see the old you,
Blondes (not used-to-be blondes) have more fun,
Highlights are supposed to start high,
Roots are supposed to stay below ground.
As an Appointment to Keep: “I really have to mind the gap this weekend before the colors on my head look like an African flag.”
Fighting
“you will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”
–COLETTE
THE JUDAS KISS
When your lover is guilty of something and plants a kiss on your cheek, just as Judas did when he turned on his Almighty One. Watch him, woman, he's up to something. (If flowers or other unprompted gifts accompany this kiss, you are in serious trouble.)
Things to Assess:
Your phone bill and credit card statement for any unauthorized purchases,
Whether there are engagements coming up that he doesn't want to attend,
Where he was all day,
Most important, where he was last night.
As an Omen: “He walked into the dinner party late, made big apologies to everyone, and planted a Judas kiss right on my forehead. Something's up.”
TIARA TIME
The point at which your lover makes you mad enough that you reach into an imaginary jewelry box, put on the tiara you deserve—and let him know what a princess you really are. Wear it well, honey, and let him have it.
When to Put It on:
If he's unsure whether you should attend a business dinner as his date,
If he believes it's fine to go out with his ex on a Saturday night,
When you've witnessed excessive flirting with another woman,
If he watches three sporting events in one day.
As a Warning: “He told me I should put on more makeup to go out to dinner with his friends—well, that just set off tiara time.”
CHEERLEADING
When your date is driving like Speed Racer and you're so panicked that your life might end that your limbs are flailing around madly. To onlookers it must seem that your favorite team is playing, because you're bouncing around like on hell of a cheerleader.
You Should Probably:
Tell him to slow down before you cramp up,
Explain that whatever he is racing to isn't worth it,
Advise him your sex drive will be functioning in direct correlation to the brake,
Get the hell out of the car and walk if none of this works.
As a Last Confession: “I didn't try out for cheerleading in high school for a reason, so unless you want an imaginary pom-pom to knock you out, you better slow down.”
A TOURETTE'S MOMENT
The point in an argument when you are so angry and frustrated that you blurt out information you really never meant to share. No matter how hard you backpedal, those words are never coming back.
Particularly Damaging Information Is:
That your ex was bigger/stronger/better,
That you never really liked his mother anyway,
That you have made out with his best friend,
That you know he's wearing a hairpiece.
As an Explanation of Why You Broke Up: “During a fight this morning I had a Tourette's moment and told him that I've been faking all my orgasms. I'm in big trouble.”
APHRODISIACS
When you are at fault in the argument and can't bring yourself to apologize, you can always employ an aphrodisiac like alcohol to help divert his attention from anger to sex. This is most effectively used after the argument is over but while you are still in trouble.
Reasons to Reach for the Aphrodisiacs:
Sorry seems to be the hardest word,
Men believe good sex is better than an apology,
A decent bottle of wine costs eight dollars and an apology may cost millions,
It's hard to keep raw oysters fresh in case of an argument.
As a Noun: “So I spent the rent on a new dress, what's the big deal? I'll slip him a couple of aphrodisiacs and all will be forgotten.”
AN EMERGENCY “I LOVE YOU”
Warning: To be used only in dire circumstances. If you really have pushed him too far and have not yet professed your love, saying “The Phrase” for the first time will immediately put him in a state of temporary insanity, leaving you forgiven of all wrongdoing.
Be Careful of:
Employing this too early and leading him to believe that you are not only wrong but crazy, too,
Making him think you are pregnant,
Allowing him to believe you're his love slave,
Using this in a relationship that is too fleeting for such extreme action.
As an Out: “I was really busted big-time, but I employed an emergency'I love you’ and all was forgiven.
That was close!”
THREE THINGS
If You've just exchanged some verbal blows but you don't want the battle to escalate into full-blown ware, you cane make a peace offering of sharing three things that you really like about him and then asking him to do the same.
The Rules Are as Follows.;
Emphasize one of his traits that is sweet and kind,
Compliment him on something that has nothing to do with the argument,
Reveal something you truly admire about him that you've never mentioned,
Listen very carefully to the three he tells you, as they are the key to making all better.
As a Cry for Help:“I understand you didn't meant to insult me, but you did, and now we need to do three th
in before I insult you back”
Gifts
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
—A N AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
BIG-TICKET ITEM
That very special gift that costs him enough money or pain to immediately spring him from the doghouse. Size of gift varies according to geographic location.
Here's a Rough Estimate:
In the Midwest: priced usually between $100 and $250,
On either coast: priced usually between $300 and $800,
In LA or NYC proper: priced usually between $1,000 and $3,000,
On Long Island: $5,000 minimum, or some-thing the neighbors will see in the driveway.
As an Object of His Affection: “Everything's fine now. He knows he's wrong, I got a big-ticket item this morning.”
AN AMNESIA STONE
Given when you've reached that point in your relationship when you're expecting an engagement ring. You open up an expensive-looking box to find any piece of jewelry—other than a diamond—that is so big you're supposed to forget about expecting a proposal.
It Better Be:
Absolutely huge,
As expensive as the engagement ring would have been,
Worth giving him six more months to bite the bullet,
Flattering enough to call off your mother.
As a Modifier: “No, I didn't get a ring, but this tennis bracelet is working wonders as an amnesia stone.”
CODEPENDENT PRESENT
When your lover is an avid sports fan and buys you lessons or equipment so you can spend your weekends doing what he likes. Keep in mind: Even if you don't share his enthusiasm for this hobby, playing with your man will prevent him from playing with other chicks when you're not there.
Typical Types:
Scuba lessons from your guy at the beach,
Tennis instruction from your blue blood in the Northeast,
Hiking boots from your Midwestern man,
Whips, chains, or handcuffs from that weirdo in the West Village.
As an Answer to Why: “It's actually just a codependent present for him, not me—but what the hell, every girl should know how to ride a dirt bike.”