The Girl Code

by Diane Farr

  P.M. PRESENTS

  These are the sexy underwear ensembles that a man gives to you in the hopes of seeing you in them later. They represent the ultimate in pleasure for the gift giver and the ultimate pain in the ass for you.

  Usually Something Like:

  Dental floss underwear for your birthday,

  The one-piece lacy freezing satin thing for the Christmas season,

  A black panty set that looks lumpy underneath your New Year's dress,

  Valentine's Day stockings with garters that fall down as soon as you're in public.

  As an Eye-Opener: “Last night we tried out hisP.M. present, and now I know why those catalog models are always pouting.”

  OFF THE SHOPPING LIST

  Those practical gifts that are completely unromantic but totally needed in your house or apartment. You know, those things you've been meaning to spend your own time and money on, but having him spend his works for both of you.

  Notable Shopping List Items Include:

  Lighting fixtures that you can't put up by yourself, Pieces of furniture from stores that won't deliver, Drills, hammers, screw guns, and other manly items he wants to buy anyway, Expensive kitchen appliances that you keep borrowing from married friends.

  In His Defense: “It's not that he didn't do any planning; I've needed to spackle the bathroom forever, so I asked for an off-the-shopping-list love token.”

  PHONED IT IN

  When your lover didn't put any thought or care into your gift, and at the last second sent over a cheesy flower arrangement or any other one-size-fits-all-women gift, hoping you wouldn't notice.

  Particularly Insulting Twists Include:

  Receiving the same mail-order scarf/teddy bear/whatever that he gave his mom last year,

  Carnations of any kind, or any color, even if real flowers surround them,

  Those flower arrangements that go for a reduced rate because they're going to die in two hours,

  Recognizing his assistant's handwriting on the card.

  As a Retaliation: “He can kiss my ass for his birthday, ‘cause he totally phoned it in on mine.”

  TRAINING WHEELS

  What look like 1-to 2-karat diamond studs that are given to you by a family member with poor taste or bought, in desperation, for yourself. In reality, they are the sadness stone: cubic zirconium.

  Reasons to Have Them:

  It's important to practice with training wheels to get better at the real thing,

  It worked when you were five and really wanted a ten-speed,

  It keeps a birthday gift suggestion directly in his line of sight,

  Flaunt ‘em if you got ‘em and fake it if you don't, sister.

  As an Object of Desire: “No, they're actually just training wheels, but feel free to upgrade me at any time.”

  LATE FEES

  The penalty automatically applied when your significant other makes you feel insignificant by forgetting your birthday or anniversary. Gifts received post–event day must automatically double in value.

  Enforcement Tactics Include:

  Simply asking for the credit card,

  Heading immediately to the most overpriced store in town,

  Showing up at his office with several fabulous items and asking which one he wants to buy for you,

  Giving him the number where you can be reached on the island you'll be visiting next weekend.

  As an Object of Need: “It's okay, honey, I know you love me, and the jeweler we're meeting tomorrow knows the late fees will apply.”

  When the Fat Lady Sings

  “When one door of happiness closes, another opens.”

  —HELEN KELLER

  OUT OF THE CAR

  When it's almost done, but not done yet, and you start warming yourself up to the idea of your life without him…he's out of the car. Girl, it will be okay, just shut the door behind him.

  Things to Remember:

  All the stuff you haven't had time to do lately,

  The things you never really liked about him,

  That other guy you liked and tried to ignore,

  Everything happens for a reason.

  As a Resolution: “Forget about it; I'm not putting up with this crap anymore—he's out of the car!”

  ON THE CURB

  When it's really done and he's so far out of the car, that he's out the door and on the street. You, my friend, are driving away and waving to his ass sittin’ on the curb. This is the time to roll up the windows, turn on the radio, and step on the gas.

  Just Keep Telling Yourself:

  You never have to make this mistake again,

  Every wrong guy gets you one step closer to the right one,

  The biggest sin in life is choosing unhappiness,

  One day he'll be a funny anecdote to laugh about with your girlfriends.

  As a Daily Mantra: “He's on the curb, and I have a green light to proceed full speed ahead.”

  SELF-SABOTAGE

  A self-destruct mechanism usually tripped when your guy is okay but your self-esteem is not. A woman will kill a relationship just to prove she is unworthy of it. It's time to stop setting up those “imaginary windows” that are too small for him to crawl through just so you can slam them shut on yourself.

  Symptoms to Look Out for:

  Never being satisfied,

  Relying on him to supply your happiness,

  Feelings of overwhelming jealousy, fear, and anger,

  Never finding the time to deal with all that “baggage” you keep carting around.

  As an Opening Line When Meeting Your Therapist: “It's really not his fault, we just had our three-month anniversary, and my self-sabotage alarm went off to destroy the whole deal.”

  A DISPLACEMENT ROMANCE

  When your affections for one man are displaced right into the hands of another. This is when one relationship breeds the next. This is not an ideal place to start a new relationship, but an easy way to get out of your last.

  What You Should Beware of:

  Not facing the fact you screwed up the last one,

  Simply making this relationship an extension of the other,

  Giving yourself too much crap about being involved again so soon,

  Thinking you have a realistic chance here.

  As a Concession: “Yes, honey, it was a displacement romance, but this is when I was most ready for you.”

  WOMB MODE

  Occurs immediately after a breakup. Characterized by a compulsion to lay on your couch in a fetal position and the illogical desire to crawl back where you came from and make all this go away. But if Momma can get through labor, you can get through this. (Refer to Raw Cookie Dough Time for additional help.)

  Things to Stay Away from:

  Listening to the radio—those love songs are not about you,

  Visiting your old hangouts—they will only dramatize the pain,

  Watching too much TV—this can cause emotional cancer,

  The ex himself (self-explanatory).

  As a Cry of Self-Pity: “No, I'm just going to stay home; I'm in womb mode. Call me in a week.”

  GIRL PATROL

  When your girlfriend is in the dumps because her man left her there, and you step up to the plate to take her out on the town where she belongs. Remember the importance of karma: You may need someone to do this for you one day.

  What to Do with Your Friend:

  Take her to lunch with that otherwise unacceptable guy who has a crush on her,

  Vehemently diss her ex (if you're absolutely sure he's not coming back),

  Go out dancing at a nightclub and make sure she only drinks water,

  Put her in that wet T-shirt contest she secretly dreams of and boo the other contestants mercilessly.

  As an Explanation: “No, John, I'm not cheating on you, my roommate's been dumped and I'm on girl patrol tonight.”

  CRYING WOLF

  When you've broken up and gotten back together with him so often that your girlfrie
nds refuse to hear about it anymore. Now you're going to have to get out of this relationship all by yourself, or make some new friends who don't realize that this is just a game you like to play.

  Some Obvious Reasons to Get Out:

  Your friends are all wondering what the hell is wrong with you,

  If he was worth sticking around for in the first place, this vicious cycle would never have started,

  Every moment you spend with the wrong guy is the opportunity missed to meet the right guy,

  He's not the only man in town who's good in bed.

  As a Call Out on the Carpet: “That song about ‘the best part of breaking up is when you're making up’ wasn't referring to crying wolf…she meant once!”

  HUNGRY RABBIT

  When you dump the guy you've been looking to discard for a while, and the sick bastard won't give up. Be careful, girlfriend: Incessant phone calls, unceasing flowers, and lovesick letters actually work on chicks.

  Useful Tactics Include:

  Using Caller ID to avoid his calls,

  Writing “Return to Sender” on any mail that has his handwriting on it,

  Telling him—not so softly—that this is a waste of time and that he should leave you alone,

  Moving to another state.

  As an Object of Obsession: “I've been screening my calls for weeks now—Hungry Rabbit is still trying to dig his way back in.”

  II

  The Code of Behavior and Ethics

  These are the life lessons, gathered over the years with your girlfriends that amount to a code of honor shared by all. These lessons, about friendship, dating, and a few un mentionables, are the kind of insider information that doesn't come in textbooks. Study hard, girls, there will be no makeup exam.

  Girls’ Night Out

  “Play at your own risk but play to win”

  —D.F.

  WINGMAN

  First thing to keep in mind when heading out to the front lines is. Never Ever Leave Your Wingman. Your wingman is the girl you plan and proceed through this night with. She is your eyes and ears when you're not looking and the one who will carry you back home if your ego or your liver is injured in battle. You are a team, out there in the trenches together. Go get ‘em, girls.

  DRESSING FOR BATTLE

  Wingmen call each other up to discuss their ensembles before going out to the bar so they can be appropriately matched. After agreeing that you will wear a pantsuit and she will wear a sweater and skirt, it is not okay for either of you to show up in leather and high heels. As wingmen, you should be dressed to kill but also to complement each other. P.S. If your girlfriend breaks this code more than once, lose her; she doesn't want a friend, she wants someone to play Robin to her Batman.

  FRUGALITY BEGETS FRUGALITY

  If you don't like loaning your makeup, jewelry, shoes, or clothing, or anything else your wingman might want to borrow for girls’ night out, then don't go asking for hers. If you want to play with her toys, you're going to have to share some of yours.

  HEADING TO THE MINEFIELD

  When two wingmen are driving to a drinking establishment and one girl already has a boyfriend to go home to, she drives. Reason no. 1: Single girl may need more alcohol to find herself a boy. Reason no. 2: Single girl may need to be dragged out of the bar by a friend who is not so desperate. When both girls are single, driving responsibilities should rotate or you should just go in the nicer of your two cars.

  SCOPING

  Like all good weekend warriors, wingmen looking for men in bars need to do some reconnaissance. You and your wingman should play a thorough game of “I spy” in shifts, in sections, under false pretenses, under false names—and don't forget under the table. But do it subtly, for that is the art of the scope.

  DOING LAPS

  These are the circles wingmen make going around and around and around the bar looking for their next target. Later you will go around and around and around the conversation, trying to figure out if he is right for you. (And you thought the only exercise you got at the bar was the eight-ounce curls.)

  CALLING HIM

  Girl A and Girl B sit at the bar. Girl A thinks guy in blue sweater is cute and expresses this aloud to Girl B.

  Girl A has just called him! He is now permanently off-limits to Girl B.

  Even if he begins chatting with Girl B, she can't go there unless she wants to sacrifice the friendship.

  TRANSFORMERS

  These are the men you call that seem really attractive from far away or before they open their mouths. But when they come closer or begin to speak, they reveal that you called them for no reason. Wingmen always reserve the right to take a transformer off the list.

  DON'T BE A BITCH

  If your wingman hits it off with someone who seems attractive, don't subtly flirt with him to see if he would go for you instead. First off, there is nothing subtle about it—we all know what you're doing. Second, go get your own damn guy.

  THE ALBATROSS

  If you can't find your own guy to chat with, don't become a weight around your wingman's neck while she chats to hers. Pouting, yawning, complaining, or excessive blabbing will not get you invited back to girls’ night out again.

  ABANDONMENT

  If you are the one chatting away with a guy, don't leave your wingman at the bar looking like prey. For the Record: After ninth grade, it's never cool to have long make-out sessions with your friend sitting next to you alone. Include your wingman in the conversation.

  THE EXODUS

  General Rule: Whenever possible, leave a bar at least thirty minutes before closing so no one is really sure how desperate you are. Otherwise: When Girl A wants to leave, give Girl B at least a fifteen-minute window. Girl B is allowed to ask for one extension of an additional fifteen minutes. When such time has elapsed, both girls must leave.

  NO DIVIDE AND CONQUER

  Remember the first rule? Never Ever Leave Your Wingman… This counts at the end of the night also. Don't let your friend leave with a guy she just met, no matter how many drinks she has had.

  Only Exceptions: If she runs into someone she is currently sleeping with or someone from the recycling bin (see “Stages”). Basically, don't let friends drive drunk, and this doesn't only apply to automobiles.

  Making a Move

  “It's not the having it's the getting.”

  —ELIZABETH TAYLOR

  THROWING A RAP

  When first meeting a guy, particularly if you have no long-term interest in him, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. As wingmen, you never contradict your friend's bullshit; rather, you should help her elaborate the tale as much as possible because if it gets her some, she will owe you big-time.

  USING A CATCHER

  The best wingman you could ask for is a girlfriend who is off the market. Married and otherwise committed teammates can be your “catcher.” Unlike real catchers, they screen prospective batters and help the good ones hit a home run. Very attractive catchers work two ways: First they interest people in the game, and later they have a built-in excuse to eject them if they strike out.

  THE ASSESSMENT

  When you're deciding whether you should make a pass at a man and you can't tell if he's interested, simply note how much time he's spending with you. If more than twenty-five minutes pass and you're still unable to greatly improve his job situation, he's interested, honey.

  PIGEON-TOED DECISIONS

  If you're still too chicken to roll the dice, remember this old standard: Men vote with their feet. If his shoes are pointed toward you, so is the thing in his trousers.

  THROWING A FIRST-DEGREE PASS

  The simplest and most casual way of asking a man out is to just offer him your number and remark how nice it would be if “you got together sometime for coffee.” Not a big deal—even if he doesn't call—and odds are, he's still not sure whether you're truly interested.P.S. And it doesn't matter at all if you don't drink coffee.

  DATES BEFORE 5 P.M.
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br />   Setting up lunches, coffees, museums, or walks through the park are wonderful ways to start a slow-motion courtship. It sets a boundary—and implies you're not interested in “nighttime activities” until further notice.

  THROWING A SECOND-DEGREE PASS

  Calling a man, rather than waiting for him to call you, is more to the point. This helps you figure out where you stand within five days, because if he returns the call and makes the date, you know he's game.

  PHONE RATIONS

  If he calls you first and you're trying to decide how long to wait before calling him back, keep the following in mind: Call whenever the hell you want.

  Unless you're dating a man in Los Angeles: Then double the amount of time it took him to call you.

  SELECTED DIALING

  However, if a man has called you once for a date and you call him within the first hour of his message to you or try him like a desperado all day long until you get him on the phone, the pass will be fouled out.

  THROWING A THIRD-DEGREE PASS

  This would be asking a man to come home with you. If you're not intending to sleep with him, you want to make that clear before you leave together. But if your intention is to hook up, you just saved yourself a lot of time.

  GOING IN FOR THE KILL

  Although it's usually the man who attempts kissing you first, and initiating everything that comes afterward, if he's circling too long before taking the plunge, feel free to take matters into your own hands. Short-term, you may risk emasculating him; long-term, neither of you will care.

  A WORD ON BEER GOGGLES

  Be aware that alcohol can impair your vision and judgment so badly that you may not realize you're making moves on a cretin or sociopath. This is the time to go back to your wingman and trust her if she tells you to move on. Remember: Two eyes are always better than none in the bar.

  First Date Forget -Me -Nots

  “The thing you want the most in life will be the hardest thing you ever do, so you might as well shoot big.”