What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  Sitting in the relative silence of Will’s backyard, she frowns, unpleasant thoughts beginning to swirl in her head. Except for a lengthy phone call to share the news with Gabby, Julia hasn’t had time to genuinely reflect upon their circumstances. When it’s just the two of them it’s so easy to forget the outside world, to overlook the differences that kept them apart.

  Spending time with Will clouds her thinking. When they’re together, she doesn’t believe he’ll ever come to resent her for keeping him from the world he knows. But he might one day… She’d give anything for the sound of sirens screaming and taxis blaring their horns right now!

  We’re in love! Julia’s heart stops at the thought. Love! Her throat closes and she begins to hyperventilate, then leans over and rests her head between her legs, reminding herself to take deep breaths.

  What does it even mean to be in love? To want to be with that person more than anyone? To give your heart away and trust he won’t break it into a million pieces? Will promised he’d never hurt her again. She believes he’d never intentionally hurt her, but that doesn’t mean he won’t hurt her. There are no guarantees.

  Julia runs into the kitchen, picks up the phone and dials Gabby’s number. Her friend will have some advice, some soothing words of wisdom. After five rings the call goes to her answering machine. Goddammit! Julia slams the phone onto the receiver and slides to the floor. This isn’t good.

  Immersing herself in the past has always been a perfect distraction from the present, so she picks up her copy of The Killer Angels and attempts to read about the battle of Gettysburg, hoping to take her mind off these paralyzing thoughts. But she re-reads the same paragraph a dozen times, and finally gives up. Too many confusing thoughts are crowding her head, too many scary scenarios.

  She feels the desperate need to escape Will’s home, to run from these feelings, so she heads upstairs, jumps in the shower and takes the Metro across town to explore the sights.

  Julia visits the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials, then takes a long walk along the National Mall. She’s been sightseeing for hours and knows it’s time to head back to Will’s house, but she doesn’t feel quite ready to go.

  What is she going to do? Listen to her heart or her head?

  She finds an empty bench and kills some time people watching. Old couples and young couples walk by hand in hand, along with harried families trying to navigate the city with small children in tow, and men and women in suits carrying briefcases, looking official and important.

  Maybe love isn’t the destructive force she thought it was. Her mother’s face flashes before her. Carol’s doing really well these days. She went back to school a couple of years ago and stopped drinking for the most part, limiting herself to a glass of wine occasionally. Last year she got a great job as an executive assistant to the president of the local university and she loves it. Her mother even started dating a nice man this past summer, someone Julia approves of. Carol’s in a good place now, but Julia can’t help it…she keeps waiting for the bottom to drop out from under her.

  She’s lost in thought when an old homeless woman approaches her. She’s so familiar, her face kind and gentle. The lady reminds Julia of Gram, and her eyes begin to water as she searches through her bag for money. Gram, I wish you were here. I could really use your advice right now. She finds a few dollars and hands them to the elderly woman, who holds Julia’s hand for a moment and nods, shuffling toward the Reflecting Pool.

  She closes her eyes, remembering her conversation with Gram the night she died, and can hear her grandmother’s voice in her head. Follow your heart my angel, it’s not every day you meet someone who feeds your soul.

  She smiles and takes a deep breath in. She knows the answer, she’s known it all along. It’s time to go home to her Romeo and take a chance on love.

  ***

  Julia’s birthday falls on a beautiful, early-Autumn day, crisp and comfortable. After spending most of the morning in bed, they enjoyed brunch at a bistro near his place, then drove to Mount Vernon, where the Fall Wine Festival is being held this weekend. Will saw the advertisement in the newspaper earlier this week, and Julia jumped at the chance to see George Washington’s home in person. Neither of them is particularly interested in wine, but he knows Julia’s fascinated by the lives of the Founding Fathers.

  At the end of the house tour Julia spends several minutes staring intently at a portrait of the President.

  “This is an original by Gilbert Stuart.”

  He scratches his chin, pensive. I know that name… Julia’s eyes open wide.

  “Will, please, you’re from Rhode Island! Have you no state pride? Don’t tell me your fancy private school never took you to Gilbert Stuart’s homestead? I’m starting to think you didn’t get your moneys worth!”

  “No, they did, in maybe the third grade! And I remember seeing the signs for his birthplace on the way to URI.”

  “How about Slater Mill in Pawtucket? Did they take you there? The birthplace of the Industrial Revolution in America?” she asks, hands on hips, eyebrow raised.

  “Okay, Miss Grasso. You’re head’s getting too big to fit in here.”

  Will grabs Julia’s hand, pulling her out of the house, onto the veranda where ‘George and Martha Washington’ are greeting guests, answering questions about ‘their’ lives.

  “We need to find an outhouse or a barn,” he says, eyeing the outbuildings and fields.

  “What for? They have bathrooms in the visitor’s center.”

  “I think you need a good spanking,” he says, wrapping his arms around her.

  “Really?” Julia laughs, “And who’s gonna give it to me?”

  “Not George Washington.” He leans in and whispers in her ear, “I want you right now.”

  “You’re serious?” Julia blushes, her eyes wide, questioning.

  He nods his head, tightening his hold on her so she can feel just how serious he is. Julia begins to laugh, then takes his hand, leading him off the porch.

  “Thank god I’m wearing a skirt.”

  They walk through the rolling fields of Mount Vernon in search of privacy and find a spot behind one of the barns. After waiting a few minutes to see if anyone passes, Will presses Julia against the exterior wall of the building, his hands reaching beneath her skirt, pulling down her panties.

  Julia unzips his pants and he lifts her, his mouth against hers and thrusts himself inside her, over and over again. Her nails bite into his flesh, and she wraps her legs around him tightly. He can tell she’s about to climax, and he can’t control himself anymore. Julia throws her head back, biting her lip to keep from crying out, and he feels her body pulsing around him as he comes.

  They collapse on a pile of hay, kissing and catching their breath before hastily adjusting their clothes. That was definitely the most reckless thing he’s ever done, sex in a public place, in broad daylight! But he had to have her just then…

  Will zips his pants, and his heart stops. He leans back against the barn wall, and feels the blood draining from his face.

  “Julia.”

  “Will, what wrong?”

  “We didn’t use anything.”

  “Oh, fuck!” She slaps her hand over her mouth.

  Jesus Christ, what did I do? He holds his head in his hands for a moment, then takes a deep breath in and turns to Julia. She looks petrified. The last thing he should do is panic.

  “Hey, look at me,” he says, and she turns warily toward him. He runs his finger over her lips, smiling. “No matter what. I love you.”

  “You’d love me fat and pregnant?” Julia raises an eyebrow.

  “Yes,” he says, taking her hand in his.

  “Will, I’m twenty-one, you’re not even twenty-four…” she frowns, her voice trailing off. “Well…I doubt I’m pregnant, I’m due in a day or two.” Julia shrugs, “I don’t want to think about that now. Let’s go visit with George and Martha on the veranda.”

  As the sun sets over Mount Vernon, Will and
Julia relax on a blanket listening to a live blues band playing near the mansion. The tickets to the festival included a bottle of wine, and cheese and crackers. Julia’s lying across the blanket, her head in his lap, both of them enjoying the music and the moment.

  “Will? Do you think a person’s heart can burst from being too happy?”

  “I don’t think so.” He leans over and kisses her softly. He’s wondered the same thing himself.

  “I hope not, because mine feels like it could.” She eats a couple of crackers. “Will?”

  “Yes, Jules?” He smiles, twirling one of her long curls around his finger.

  “Does it seem odd to you that a blues band is playing at George and Martha’s house? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure blues music wasn’t around in the 1700’s.”

  Upon their return from Mount Vernon, they head straight upstairs to Will’s bedroom, and he sits on his bed and watches, mesmerized, as Julia washes her face, takes off her earrings and pulls her hair back into a ponytail. I love her so much…his life was empty without her in it.

  Those three months after the wedding, when she wouldn’t talk to him were terrible, he felt so ashamed and lonely. What if she’d never come back to me? The thought physically pains him. She gave him a second chance when her grandmother died. He did nothing to deserve that chance, but he won’t squander it.

  “Jules, what are you planning to do after you graduate? Are you thinking of staying in New York? Or would you consider moving…I don’t know… maybe here?”

  “Well…I’ve been thinking DC would be a natural fit for me.”

  “Really?” he sighs with relief. If she said no, he’d seriously consider relocating wherever she plans to live.

  “Uh huh,” Julia nods and walks toward him, removing her shirt. “Yes, there are so many possibilities down here.” She pushes him back on his bed, reaching for his belt, “I could find a job at one of the museums, I’ve always wanted to work at the Smithsonian…”

  Julia takes off her skirt, and removes his pants.

  “I am so relieved to hear you say that!” He slides her underwear to the floor, “The next eight months are going to be tough…” he kisses her soft neck, her breasts, “…with all the commuting back and forth.”

  Julia nods her head, inhaling sharply as he slides a finger inside her, “But knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel makes it bearable,” he whispers.

  “Yes, bearable…” she says, pulling off his boxers, and climbs onto the bed.

  “I have this big place.” Will positions her above him.

  “Yes…” Julia slides her hips down, slowly taking him in, an inch at a time.

  “So, I was thinking…” he grabs her hips, his breathing labored, “Maybe, you could live with me?”

  “What?” Julia freezes.

  “I want you to live with me.” He sits up and wraps his arms around her waist, looking into her eyes.

  “Give me five minutes, then we’ll talk.”

  Julia pushes him back against the bed, tightens her hold on him and closes her eyes, her back arching, as he cries out her name.

  Breathless, Julia collapses beside him, and remains silent for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling. He turns on his side and watches as the conflicting emotions flash across her face, and holds his breath, praying he didn’t scare her away.

  “Jules, I know this is a huge step and we haven’t been together very long…” he rolls on top of her, kissing her gently. Julia’s brow furrows, and he runs his finger over the creases on her forehead, “Actually, we have…just not in the biblical sense.”

  She giggles and turns to him, “The biblical sense?” she laughs again. “Will, my instinct is to say yes. But let me think about it while I’m in New York. I need a clear head to make that kind of decision and my head is definitely not clear when I’m around you!”

  “Fair enough.”

  Chapter Eight

  A woman cannot survive on sex alone, her grumbling stomach reminds her. She’s not complaining, but honestly can’t remember the last time she ate a real meal. They’ve been subsisting on whatever food they can scavenge from his nearly empty cupboards.

  This morning she combed through his kitchen and managed to find what she needs to make pancakes while Will’s out for a run. Flour, sugar, milk, butter, eggs….she pours each ingredient into the bowl, her head in the clouds.

  She’s never been happier in her life. Love is a magical feeling. Will’s magical. She can’t believe she denied herself this pleasure all this time. What was I thinking? She knows what stopped her, but fear has gotten in the way of her happiness for too long, she has to have a little faith.

  The thought of going back to New York later this afternoon is making her nauseous. She doesn’t want to leave him, but she doesn’t have a choice. In three months she’ll be on winter break, and her internship begins in late-January. Will said he’ll come to New York every possible weekend and she’ll come down to DC when she can.

  It won’t be that bad. She closes her eyes, taking slow breaths, in and out. Who am I kidding? It’ll be hell. She wants this year to be over so they can be together.

  UB40’s reggae version of Can’t Help Falling in Love with You comes on the radio and she turns up the volume, dancing around the kitchen while she mixes the batter. Using the wooden spoon as a microphone, she twirls around, then screams.

  “Oh my god, you scared me!” she cries, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. She didn’t hear Will come in through the front door.

  He’s standing in the doorway to the kitchen, his t-shirt soaked with sweat, wearing a Red Sox cap and a huge grin.

  “Are you laughing at me?”

  “Never. You’re adorable.” Will gives her a sweaty hug and kiss.

  “Go clean up, breakfast is almost ready.”

  “Why don’t you come upstairs and join me?” Will asks as he runs up the stairs, stripping out of his sweaty clothes as he climbs.

  Tempting, very tempting. Her stomach begins to burn with a different kind of hunger, so she turns off the stove and follows him upstairs. What’s another twenty minutes?

  Running back downstairs to finish making breakfast, the doorbell rings, startling her. Will’s still in the shower and she’s wearing one of his t-shirts, her wet hair pulled back into a ponytail.

  Should I answer it?

  She hesitates, making sure the shirt covers all necessary body parts, then opens the door to find a woman standing on the stoop. She has long blond hair, blue eyes and very sharp features, and is dressed conservatively in black pants, a pink cardigan set, carrying a Chanel purse.

  Is she a wealthy Jehovah’s Witness?

  “Can I help you?” Julia asks, politely.

  “I’m looking for William Kennedy?”

  The woman checks the number on the house again, and Julia feels a knot growing in her stomach. Who is this woman?

  “He’s indisposed. Is he expecting you?” She pulls the t-shirt down, praying her underwear isn’t showing. This woman’s giving her the creeps, the way she’s inspecting her.

  “Are you Julia?”

  She knows my name?

  “I’m sorry, have we met?”

  “No. I’m Avery Smith. An old friend of Wills.”

  Avery? Ex-girlfriend Avery? Julia raises her hand to her mouth.

  “Babe, can you bring breakfast up here?” Will shouts from the top of the stairs, “We have a few more hours of celebrating before you go!”

  She cringes, turning toward the sound of his voice and willing him to stop talking. Julia holds her breath, her cheeks hot with embarrassment, and Avery’s eyes have narrowed into slits, her mouth pinched into a tight, straight line.

  “Julia!” Will shouts again, descending the stairs in a towel, his hair dripping wet. “Are you okay? Who is it?” he asks, pulling his towel around him tightly.

  “You have a visitor,” she says, eyebrows raised.

  Will shakes his head, confused, then takes a few more steps d
own and freezes, his mouth dropping open.

  “William! So good to see you!”

  “Avery?” he whispers. “What are you doing here?”

  “That’s how you greet an old friend?” Avery pouts.

  “Sorry….no…of course not.” He shakes his head and stutters, “Uh…you caught me off guard. I’ll…I’ll be right back, let me put on some clothes.”

  Facing off with this polished, elegant woman, Julia feels exposed. She may as well be standing in the doorway naked as a jaybird.

  “Please, come in, Avery,” she says with as much dignity as she can muster, “Have a seat in here.” She waves her arm to the right, indicating the dining room. “Excuse me,” she mutters and runs upstairs to the bedroom.

  “Will, what the hell is she doing here!?”

  He’s thrown on a pair of shorts and a polo shirt, and wraps his arms around her, trembling.

  “I don’t know Jules. I don’t know how she even found me.”

  “What’re you going to do?” She grabs clothes from her duffle bag, and pulls on leggings and a sweater.

  “I have no idea. Come with me.”

  Avery holds her arms out for a hug as they enter the dining room and Will walks zombie-like into her embrace.

  “It’s been too long Will. Five? Six years?”

  “Something like that.” Will nods slowly, “Avery, this is my girlfriend, Julia.”

  “So you’re Julia. I’ve heard so much about you!” Avery rests her icy blue eyes on her, planting a fake smile across her face.

  “Really? From whom?” Julia’s stomach’s in knots, but she puts on a brave face and looks Avery in the eye.

  “Oh, here and there!” Avery throws her head back and laughs, “Rhode Island is such a small place.”

  Julia knows exactly who told Avery about her. It had to be those horrible women from the wedding.

  “Avery, how did you find me?” Will grabs Julia’s hand, his fingers clasping hers tightly.