What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  “Were you hiding, Will?” she laughs, “I bumped into Joe Butler from your old neighborhood. He told me you were living down here and gave me your address.”

  “Joe Butler gave you my address?” Will asks, skeptically, “I haven’t spoken to Joe since we went skiing after Christmas last year.”

  “Well, when he told me you were living here I asked him to get it from your parents.”

  Something is not right with this woman, Julia thinks, studying Avery, brow furrowed. She squeezes Wills hand, trying to transmit some chutzpah his way, but he’s crumbling before her eyes. Come on Will, get it together! She wants Avery out of the house, her mere presence is sucking the oxygen from the room.

  “Why don’t you two go out back. Avery, would you like some water or tea?”

  “No. Thank you,” Avery answers without a glance her way, and slides her arm through Will’s as they walk toward the patio.

  Julia spies on them from the kitchen window. Will seems desperately uncomfortable, sitting in a wrought iron chair, his back rigid, and staring straight through Avery. What on earth is she doing here? Her body language is delivering a pretty clear message. She touches Will’s arm and thigh repeatedly as she talks, leaning toward him the entire time. Her behavior is blatantly flirtatious.

  If Avery leans in to kiss him, I’ll have no problem throwing the first punch.

  Her stomach sinking, she walks into the pantry and slides to the floor. There’s nothing coincidental about this. Call it woman’s intuition, but she feels it in her bones. Moving to Washington was a calculated move on Avery’s part. That woman’s trying to worm her way back into Will’s life. Why now?

  Julia rests her head in her hands and sighs, remembering what Will shared with her last Christmas. An innocent game of Truth or Dare turned into a confessional and he finally revealed to her what happened with the mysterious Avery.

  After Christmas dinner with Will’s family, they went sledding at Burr’s Hill Park, navigating the hills for over an hour, and getting soaked in the process. They headed to her house and changed out of their wet clothes, then arranged the blankets and pillows in front of the fireplace, drinking hot chocolate, then vodka.

  “Want to play Truth or Dare?” Julia asked on a whim. She had no idea she was taking the lid off of Pandora’s box.

  “How old are you again?” Will shook his head and laughed, “Twelve?”

  “So you don’t accept the challenge?” She raised an eyebrow and waited.

  “Really, Jules? Fine, I’m game. I’ve never played it before.”

  “You’ve never played truth or dare? Okay then, me first. What’ll it be?”

  “Truth,” Will said after a moment.

  Good. Julia wanted to get to the bottom of the Avery situation.

  “Let’s see. I’ll start with a standard question, to ease you into the spirit of the game,” she paused. Oh, to hell with it! May as well get straight to the point! “Who’s Avery?”

  “That’s a standard question?” he sputtered, then stared into the fire for a moment before answering. “Someone I dated in high school. We broke up before I left for college,”

  Julia sensed there was much more to the story, but didn’t push him. Yet.

  “My turn, Jules,” he cleared his throat, clasping his hands together. “Truth or dare?”

  “Dare.” She didn’t want him poking around in her head!

  “I should’ve known,” Will chuckled, “Are there any guidelines or restrictions I should know about?”

  “Hmm…” she tapped her finger against her temple, in faux thought, “Well, the last time I played this in middle school there weren’t.”

  “Excellent,” Will smiled, “I dare you to climb the tree in your backyard. Naked.” She choked on his last word, then coughed, holding her hand in the air.

  “Okay. I just made a rule. No nudity.”

  “Julia…” Will’s shoulders sagged, “You just took all the fun out of this for me.”

  They went back and forth a few rounds, and she took it easy on him, laid off the Avery topic for a little bit. But she was determined to get to the bottom of that situation! So, after a particularly ridiculous dare, she decided to dive back in.

  “You’re not getting off easy after that one!” she laughed, “Get ready, Will.”

  “I’m ready,” he smiled, taking a deep breath in. “I pick dare.”

  “I dare you to tell me the real reason you and Avery broke up.”

  His eyes grew wide, then he took a sip of vodka, paused and sighed.

  “Do you really want to hear this?” he asked, turning to her.

  “I really do,” she nodded, “Take another sip, it’ll loosen your tongue.”

  “We dated for about a year,” he sat up and stared into the flames. “She was the first girl I ever slept with.” Another swig of vodka. “It was high school, Julia. She was pretty and we had the same group of friends, but…I don’t know…something was missing. We didn’t have a lot to talk about when we were alone. I did break up with her before I went to college, that’s the truth. It wasn’t a complicated split.”

  She remained silent, waiting for him to continue. She could see the pain in his eyes. What happened between those two?

  “You can tell me, Will,” she whispered. “I won’t judge.”

  “I came back from school over Thanksgiving and saw her at a party. We were both drunk and ended up having sex.” Will turned to her, his eyes clouded with tears. “It was just sex. I didn’t want to get back together with her. A month later, I came home for winter break and she called me, crying. She said she was pregnant and the baby was mine.”

  Oh. My. God.

  “I didn’t know what to do.” Will laid back against the pillows. “She was a senior in high school. I’d just started college. My parents would’ve killed me. I thought about asking her to marry me. That’s what people do, right?”

  “Not necessarily, Will... this isn’t 1955!” She brushed the hair away from his face, and noticed a tear seep from the corner of his eye. “So, what happened?”

  “She had an abortion,” he said, his face crumpling, “I’m Catholic, Julia. Abortion is wrong and I did nothing to stop her.”

  Wow. She could see how that’d mess with the head of a good Catholic boy.

  She was raised Catholic too, but fundamentally disagrees with key church policies, that one included. But, it didn’t feel like the time to make an argument for a woman’s right to choose. She lay down beside him, and held his hand.

  “Did your parents find out?”

  “No. I’ve never told anyone. Not even Ellie.”

  “So, that was five years ago? Have you seen Avery since then?”

  “No. She had a nervous breakdown that same year and spent some time in a hospital,” he said, his face pained and etched with guilt. “She sends me letters once in a while, and I’m pretty sure that was her on the phone Columbus Day weekend, which is a first. I've never written back. What would I say? So sorry I ruined your life?”

  “Will, it’s not your fault,” she sighed.

  He turned sharply, and looked directly into her eyes.

  “Of course it is.”

  “No, Will, these things happen. It was a mistake. You can’t blame yourself.”

  He closed his eyes and held onto her, letting the tears fall. She ran her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. Aren’t we a pair? Everyone’s damaged in some way. Some people bottle it up, others wear their pain on their sleeves for the world to see.

  Avery, the source of Will’s shame, his guilt, is sitting beside him in the garden. And she wants him back. Julia felt sympathy for Avery when Will shared their story, but having met her in the flesh? Not anymore.

  She stands in the middle of the kitchen, paralyzed with indecision. Should she stay here and give them privacy, or go outside and join them? Julia peeks through the window again and makes an executive decision. That woman will devour him, she can’t leave him alone with Avery.
>
  So, she takes a deep breath, walks outside and sits beside Will, wrapping her fingers around his cold, clammy hands. He turns to her, his eyes filled with…Fear? Anxiety? Guilt? It’s hard to know which of these emotions have taken over.

  How long can this go on? Will’s being polite, mechanically answering her questions about his life, but Avery doesn’t have an off switch. She could jabber away all afternoon without anyone’s input!

  “Avery, why are you in DC?” Will asks, the light bulb finally switching on.

  “I’m living in Washington now too! Just ten minutes from here. Isn’t that a lucky coincidence? I’m attending the Art Institute of Washington. I’ve always loved painting and it’s a great school, so I thought I’d get my degree, at last!”

  “Umm…Wow, really?” Will sputters, “You live here?”

  “You had the best art and design school in the country right there in Providence. Did you apply to RISD?” Julia asks. She isn’t so easily fooled. A great school?

  “No, I was looking to move to warmer climes,” Avery answers, her eyes narrowing.

  I’m sure you were. Julia smirks, returning her glare.

  Avery scoots closer to Will, a dog staking its territory. Next, she’ll pee in a circle around Will to ward off intruders, Julia thinks, covering her mouth to stifle a giggle. Could Avery be any more obvious?

  Over the next thirty minutes, Avery hardly pauses for breath, excluding Julia from conversation by focusing on their shared past and discussing the lives of mutual friends. The same friends Will has rarely seen since April and said he has no desire to see again. Doesn’t she see how uncomfortable we are? That she’s not wanted here?

  “I’m sorry,” Will interrupts Avery, “Please excuse me for just a moment.” He stands abruptly and walks into the house.

  Julia’s jaw almost drops. He’s leaving me alone with her? What are her choices? Follow him like a puppy or stay and deal with the situation? And Avery is definitely a situation.

  She won’t allow Avery to make her uncomfortable in Will’s home, so she takes a deep breath, leaning back against her chair, and fixes her eyes on the woman who has chosen to be her adversary. For over a minute they stare each other down, until Avery leans in toward Julia, her eyes narrowing.

  “There is no way he ends up with you,” Avery whispers.

  “Is that a challenge or a threat?” Julia asks, eyebrow raised.

  “Take your pick,” Avery smiles and flicks her hand into the air, dismissive.

  “I guess time will tell.”

  Just then, Will re-enters the garden and stops in his tracks, his eyes darting between the two women. The tension between Julia and Avery is thick, a solid mass making it difficult to breathe the air around them. It’s enough to spur Will into action.

  “Avery it’s good to see you. I’m glad you’re doing well. But I’m afraid Julia and I have plans and we need to get ready.”

  “Are you kicking me out, Will?” Avery pouts.

  Julia rolls her eyes, and looks at the sky. We are dealing with a master manipulator here! Avery knows exactly how to play the guilt card with Will.

  “Umm…” he stutters, “No…it’s just…uh…we have to go…” his voice trails off and he reaches for Julia’s hand.

  Jesus H. Christ! He’s disintegrating!

  “So nice to meet you.” Julia stands, and extends her hand toward Avery. “And good luck… with school.”

  “I don’t need luck.” Avery smirks and rises, grasping Julia’s hand more tightly than necessary.

  Together, they escort Avery to the front door. Julia would love to kick her to the curb.

  “I’m so glad we’re living close to each other again,” she says, hugging Will to her, “I’ll see you soon.” Then, blowing him a kiss, Avery slides into her Mercedes and pulls away from the house.

  Filled with disgust, Julia closes the door and walks back to the garden, arms folded across her chest. She doesn’t know if she’s angry with Avery or Will. Maybe both! What spell did that witch cast over him, rendering him completely helpless?

  A few seconds later, Will shuffles into the backyard, his eyes glazed over, and her heart melts a little when he kneels at her feet, wraps his arms around her, and rests his head in her lap.

  So, that was Avery. That horrible woman is the object of Will’s guilt and self-loathing? She takes several deep breaths, struggling with perspective as she watches the clouds drift by on this otherwise beautiful day.

  An hour ago she and Will were in the shower. Now? That vampire has sucked the energy out of them both. This is far from over. Avery’s a ticking bomb.

  Will hasn’t moved a muscle since he laid his head in her lap several minutes ago. She knows how difficult this must’ve been for him, given their history, but seeing how ineffectually he dealt with Avery left a bad taste in her mouth. Why didn’t he just tell her to leave?

  A few more minutes elapse in silence.

  “Are you okay?” she whispers.

  “Jules. I don’t know what to say,” he shakes his head, sitting back on his heels. “I can’t believe she was here. That was surreal,” he pauses, “I’m so sorry she ruined your day.”

  “Will, please, she hasn’t ruined anything for me, but we need to talk about her. That woman’s not going anywhere.”

  “What do you mean?” he sighs and pulls his chair close to hers.

  “You said she writes to you. What did her last letter say?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “What do you mean? When did she last write to you?”

  “My mother forwarded a letter to me a few weeks ago, but I didn’t read it. I haven’t read any since the first one she sent.”

  “So, Avery’s been writing to you for over five years and you’ve never read a single one?” she asks, incredulous.

  “No. I just stick them in a box in my closet,” he mutters.

  “Are you serious?”

  So…Will has no idea what Avery’s life has been like since the abortion. In his head, she’s still suffering from whatever caused her breakdown years ago. The woman who sat across from her in the garden, challenging her, is not on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She may be fixated on Will, but she’s in control of her faculties.

  “Will, listen to me. Avery wants to get back together with you.”

  “Julia, that’s ridiculous.” Will scoffs, shaking his head.

  “Avery said to me, and I quote, There is no way he ends up with you.”

  “What are you talking about? When?” he asks.

  “When you left us alone for five minutes,” she says, irritation creeping into her voice.

  “This is crazy! I’m so sorry I left you alone with her. I couldn’t think. I just needed a minute.”

  “I can take care of myself. My question is…can you?” She looks into his eyes, “Will, she lives nearby. How will you handle her dropping by unannounced in the future?”

  “In the future?” Will shakes his head, “We made it clear to her we’re together. I don’t think she’ll come back. And even if she does, I love you, not her.”

  “So, you’ll tell her to go away when she comes back? Because, I’m telling you, it’s when she comes back, not if.”

  Will leans back in his chair, and looks at the sky for a moment, saying nothing.

  “Will? You’ll turn her away when she comes back. Right?” Her voice is loud, firm.

  “Jules, how can I turn her away? Avery’s been through a lot because of me. Because of what I did to her. What if she goes off the deep end again? I couldn’t live with myself.”

  “Will!” She stares at him in disbelief. “She’s not your problem! She’s not your responsibility. It’s not up to you to take care of her. I know it was a difficult time, but there are millions of women who terminate pregnancies and move on with their lives! She has other issues going on that have nothing to do with you or what happened between the two of you.”

  Will looks down at his feet and she gapes at him, stunne
d. He still blames himself. He still believes it’s his fault Avery had a nervous breakdown. It’s a burden he’s carried with him for years and for some reason, he isn’t ready to put down the cross. Why? It doesn’t make any sense, but she realizes there’s nothing she can do about it, and that makes her furious!

  “Jesus, Will!” She jumps up and shouts, “This is absurd! Who does that? Who drops by their ex-boyfriend’s house unannounced after six years? Who moves hundreds of miles away from home to live ten minutes away from their high school sweetheart?”

  Tears of frustration cloud her vision. Doesn’t he see how ridiculous this is?

  Will remains silent, holding his head in his hands, visibly shaken. Julia throws her hands up in disbelief and walks into the house, slamming the French door behind her.

  Goddamn that manipulative witch! Goddamn Will and his unrelenting guilt!

  She runs up the stairs to Will’s room, lies on his bed and closes her eyes, a feeling of dread washing over her. But then she remembers, the letters! Julia flies across the room to his closet, and there, shoved into the back corner on the top shelf, sits a box. Her heart racing, she grabs the step stool and climbs it, then reaches for the box and carries it to his bed.

  What will I find inside?

  Biting her lip, she turns the box upside down and dozens of letters fall out, unopened, just as Will said. Julia swallows hard, her eyes growing wide, as she spreads them out on the bed. There are almost a hundred letters here! Avery has written Will at least one letter every month for almost six years!

  This is not normal behavior! No, this is scary. That woman’s obsessed. Even if he never opened a single one of these envelopes, he’d have to be blind not to realize her intentions. Is Will blind? No, he just doesn’t want to see.

  It’s not her place, but she’s dying to open them, wants to get some insight into Avery’s head. Holding one up to the window, she tries to make out the words, then tosses it back into the pile. She can’t read these, as much as she’d like to. It’s up to Will to open them. Besides, the sheer quantity speaks volumes.

  Julia knows Will isn’t strong enough to send that witch away, and Avery is so manipulative she’ll work him over until she gets what she wants. Shoving all of the letters back into the box, she puts it back where she found it, then cries into his pillow until she falls asleep.