What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  “I love you, sweetheart.”

  Julia squeezes him tightly and bursts into tears. She hasn’t heard her father say those words to her in years and they’re powerful. She knows deep down her father means what he’s saying. He loves me.

  “I love you too, Dad.”

  After she left her father’s house, Julia took a long drive around town. She agreed to stop over for dessert the next day and even gave Sandra a hug before she left. They have a long way to go before they have anything resembling a relationship, but it’s a step in the right direction.

  A huge weight has been lifted, she didn’t realize how much this rift with her father was dragging her down. Will helped fill the hole left by her dad, the depth of his love transcended the pain of her father’s rejection. But since their breakup, she’s felt the void more acutely than ever before. Her father’s love means more to her than she thought it did.

  When the sun begins to set, she knows it’s time to go home and get ready for her aunt’s Christmas Eve dinner. This time last year I was in bed with Will. They made love and laughed and talked. She wonders if she’ll ever feel that way about anyone again. Maybe you only get one great love?

  Her best friend has never stopped advocating for Will, not once in the past six months. Gabby believes Will is Julia’s soulmate. She never believed in such things before she met Will, but their connection was definitely soulful, as if something bigger was drawing them together.

  She’s forgiven her father, maybe she can forgive Will?

  She doesn’t know what happened between Will and Avery that night, but has no doubt Avery pushed her way into his house at a vulnerable moment and took advantage of the situation.

  Sitting at the stop sign on her way out of Colt Park, Julia fights the urge to drive to his parents’ house. He has to be home for Christmas and they live less than two miles from this spot, she thinks, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

  Turn right or left?

  Right takes her to Will, left takes her home. Julia sits at the intersection for several minutes, the battle being waged between her heart and her head, until the cars behind her blare their horns.

  Flustered, she turns left and spends the remainder of the evening at her aunt’s house, watching the clock inching toward midnight. I just want to see his face, she tells herself, her heart beating hard against her chest. I need to see him.

  At eleven-thirty she climbs into her car and drives to St. Margaret’s for midnight mass. At church, she can see Will and not have to speak to him. Unless she wants to.

  Julia shivers outside the church, waiting for the service to begin. When she hears the choir singing ‘O Holy Night’, she sneaks into the back of the church, finding a seat in the last row. It’s a candlelight mass and the soft light illuminates the chamber, the pungent smell of incense permeating the air around her. The altar is decorated with dozens of poinsettia plants and Christmas trees with twinkling white lights adorn each side.

  Everyone is standing during the priest’s procession up the main aisle of the church, and Will is easy to spot near the front. He’s taller than most of the congregation, his golden hair further setting him apart from the crowd. She can hardly breathe. She hasn’t seen him in over six months and it’s torture being in the same room.

  Dear Lord, please tell me what to do, she kneels in the pew and prays, I miss him so much. A lapsed Catholic, Julia doesn’t expect God to take notice of her now and no answers are forthcoming.

  Throughout mass, she watches Will, but can only see the back of his head. After receiving communion, he returns to his seat and Julia catches a glimpse of his face for the first time. His eyes are so sad... She bows her head, trying to hold back the tears.

  This was my choice, I turned him away.

  Julia desperately wants to reach out and hold him, to take away his sadness and tell him she still loves him, but forces herself to stay put.

  As mass ends, Will shakes hands with a few people sitting behind him, and his eyes scan the church. She remains seated, knowing if she doesn’t leave now he’ll see her…soon.

  Her breath catches as their eyes meet, her heart swelling with emotion. Her reconciliation with her father has ripped a huge hole in her armor, and all she wants is to hold him. She doesn’t care about the rest.

  Will’s eyes light up and he exits the pew quickly, trying to reach her, but gets caught up in the masses streaming into the aisle. She rises and their eyes lock as he squeezes through the crowds of people. She wants to talk to Will, needs to feel his arms around her, his mouth on hers.

  She reaches down to pick up her bag and freezes, her face falling. Out of the corner of her eye, Julia spots Avery standing at the opposite side of the church, trying to exit through the side door.

  Her stomach lurches and tears spring into her eyes. Why is she here? They can’t be together, Avery’s sitting clear across the church. Julia’s chin trembles and Avery’s voice echoes in her head, Women like you don’t end up with men like Will.

  Coming here was a mistake. Her heart’s breaking all over again and she’s desperate to get out of the church. Before Will can reach her, Julia slips out the back door, runs down the steps and disappears into the night, her face wet with tears.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Will began visiting a gym near his house after Thanksgiving, as he promised his sister he would. Most days, he heads there directly after work and exercises for over an hour, running on the treadmill and lifting weights. It has saved his sanity and helped him regain his appetite. He may look like himself again, but he doesn’t feel like himself. At least not who he was with Julia. Will I ever be happy again?

  Since May, his depression had only gotten worse, and who knows what would’ve happened if he hadn’t made an oath to try and rebuild his life. His drinking was getting out of hand as he anesthetized himself, trying to dull the pain of losing Julia.

  The first time Will saw Avery at his gym was the week after Christmas. He was finishing his workout when he spotted her on a treadmill across the room, and quickly left. Seeing Avery brought back the memory of that morning, waking up beside her, knowing he couldn’t keep what happened from Julia, that it meant the end for them.

  The sight of her made him sick inside. What is she doing here? Is it a coincidence?

  The following day, he was running late and bumped into Avery in the lobby. Startled, he froze and felt the heat rising to his cheeks, anger lodging in his stomach. She smiled awkwardly and said, “Happy New Year, Will,” then walked past him into the ladies locker room. If Avery’s coming to this gym, maybe it’s time for him to find another one.

  If Will thought there was any chance of getting back together with Julia he would’ve switched gyms the second he saw Avery there. But now he knows there’s absolutely no chance of that happening.

  He tried desperately to reach her on Christmas Eve, but when he finally made it to the rear of the church, she was gone. He rushed into the cold night air, pulling his coat on, breathless with excitement and searched for her among the congregants gathered on the steps. But she had disappeared. Moments later, Ellie and Kevin met up with him outside.

  “Will, what’s gotten into you?”

  “Ellie, Julia was here. She was sitting in the last row. I saw her.”

  “Honey, I think you’re imagining things.” Ellie and Kevin exchanged doubtful looks.

  “No, I’m sure it was her.” He grabbed his sisters hands, “We made eye contact. It was Julia.”

  “Will, she’s gone,” Ellie sighed. “If she wanted to talk to you she would’ve stayed.”

  His face fell and he stared out at the Town Common.

  “Ellie, if she didn’t want to see me…why would she come at all?”

  “That, I don’t know.”

  The next day, he drove to Julia’s house and was surprised when her mother answered the door. She’s usually away for Christmas.

  “Hi Carol. Is Julia here?”

  “Hello, Will. No, I’m afrai
d she’s not home.”

  His face fell.

  “I’d really like to talk to her…”

  “I’m sorry, Will.” Carol looked at the floor. “Julia asked that I not give you her contact information.”

  “What?” Her words hit him square in the chest. “When did she say that?”

  “This morning. I really am sorry.”

  “Merry Christmas, Carol,” he said with a sad smile and turned to leave.

  “You too, Will,” she said softly, closing the door.

  He has to accept it’s over with Julia. She doesn’t want him in her life, and as painful as that is, he needs to come to terms with that fact. What choice does he have?

  The third time he saw Avery, he realized it didn’t matter whether she’s a member of his gym or not. He hasn’t made any real friends in the time he’s been in Washington. He doesn’t have a lot in common with his coworkers except maybe baseball. Whenever the Sox are in the area, he and a couple of guys from his office, both native New Englanders, attend games. That’s the extent of Will’s social life.

  Everyone in DC wants to move up some invisible ladder, make connections with powerful people, and be seen at the right places. It reminds him a lot of the world he grew up in, except here, it doesn’t matter as much the family you were born into, what’s important is who you know, and how ambitious you are. Will has no political aspirations, and isn’t power hungry. He couldn’t care less about climbing a single rung of the Washington ladder.

  What’s become painfully obvious to him is the depth of his loneliness. He’s never been this alone in his life. After the initial shock wore off, it felt good to see a friendly face. So, when Avery happened to be on the treadmill next to his the following week and started making small talk, he was a willing participant. It was innocent enough, she chatted about the weather, then they talked about how they spent their holidays. The hour went by quickly, and he left the gym with the slightest smile that night, his first in months.

  Last week after his workout, Will stopped at the coffee shop he frequently visits and Avery was already in line. She wasn’t at the gym that day, and he was a bit disappointed. They waited in line together, discussing her art classes, and he could’ve walked out when the barista handed him his drink, but he didn’t. The shop was crowded, and Avery found a table, so he asked if he could join her.

  The truth is he didn’t want to be alone. He was tired of his own company. And Avery was there, and familiar. He didn’t have to get to know her, he already did. Over the past two weeks, they’ve been getting coffee together most days after the gym. Will doesn’t have to make an effort at conversation with her, she has lots of stories to share, and he just sits back, listens, and answers the occasional question.

  “Will, I hate to bring this up, but it’s like the elephant in the room and I’d like to clear the air. What happened between you and Julia?”

  He looks down at his coffee for a moment, his jaw clenched, then directly into Avery’s eyes, wanting to gauge her response.

  “I told her what happened between us and she ended it.”

  “I’m so sorry for interfering with your relationship.” A tear rolls down her cheek, and she wipes it away, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so lonely down here, and I missed seeing you. I’ve been seeing a wonderful therapist. I told her what happened between us, when we were kids, and last spring, and she’s helped me put a lot of things into perspective.” Avery rests her hand on top of his, “I want you to know I deeply regret what happened between us in May. I am so sorry and I hope you can forgive me.”

  He sits back in his chair and stares out the window. He can’t believe he’s sitting with Avery, talking about his breakup with Julia. How did I get here? He’s lonely and as warped as it seems, even to him, Avery is the closest thing he has to a friend.

  “There’s nothing to forgive, Avery. I’m just as much to blame.”

  RING! RING!

  Will sits up in bed with a start and squints in the early morning light filtering through the frost-coated windows. One day I’m going to remember to pull down those shades, he thinks, groaning. He grabs his alarm clock, wondering who’d be calling him at six o’clock on a Saturday morning? Reaching for the phone, he remembers… it’s January 30th.

  Today is his twenty-fifth birthday.

  It has to be his mother, no one else would call him this early. He picks up the phone and smiles sleepily, flopping back against his pillows.

  “Happy birthday sweetheart,” his mother says, sniffling, “I hate to wake you so early but I have something to tell you.”

  “What’s wrong, Mom?”

  “Will, Daddy’s sick.”

  He sits up in bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, instantly wide-awake.

  “What do you mean sick? Where is he?”

  “He hasn’t been feeling well and the doctor did some tests. Daddy has cancer, Will, and it doesn’t look good. Please, pray for him.”

  “Mom, I’m coming home.” He jumps out of bed and pulls on the nearest pair of pants, “I’ll see you this afternoon.”

  For the first time in years, Will does the rosary on the flight home later that morning. Peter meets him at the airport and they wait another hour for Ellie’s flight from Chicago to arrive in Providence.

  They spend the week with their parents, meeting with doctors and discussing various options. The cancer is in his pancreas, and has spread to some of his lymph nodes. They’re going to treat the disease aggressively, and his father starts chemotherapy this coming week.

  The day Will’s due to return to Washington, he takes a seat in the armchair beside his father, who’s resting on the couch in the den.

  “Dad, I think I should take a leave of absence from work. Stay home and help you and mom.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Will. I won’t have you neglect your responsibilities at work because of me. I’ll be fine. I have your mother and nurses will come by every day to help.”

  “I want to be here.”

  “I want you to go live your life,” his father says, sternly, “Come visit when you can. I’m going to be fine.”

  Will studies him for a moment, filled with sadness and fear. Then, his father’s eyes soften and he squeezes Will’s hand, reassuringly. In that moment, he understands just how much his father needs things to remain as normal as possible. He needs it to give him hope.

  “I understand,” Will nods his head. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “That’s my boy!”

  On the flight back to Washington, all he wants to do is call Julia, tell her what’s happening. He wants to crawl into bed with her and feel her arms around him, calming his fears. But he can’t. Will’s profoundly alone and has no one to turn to. Avery’s all he has, his only friend in the world.

  When he returns home, he calls her and later that night they meet for a drink. In a dimly lit bar a few blocks from his house, Will tells Avery about his father’s illness and his grim prognosis. She holds his hand while he voices his fears and comforts him when he needs it. Her presence is soothing, and it feels so good to have someone care about him again.

  He invites her back to his house and once inside the foyer, Will’s consumed with the desperate need to feel something, anything but the emptiness that’s been gnawing at his insides for close to a year. He wants to forget his father’s cancer, forget about Julia. It’s been so long since he’s touched anyone.

  He’s sinking and Avery is his lifeboat, something to hold onto before he drowns in sorrow. Impatiently, Will sheds his clothes as they climb the stairs to his room, and silently, he prays for a miracle, that somehow he can transcend his pain and loneliness in her arms.

  Afterwards, Avery curls up beside him, her arm around his waist, and a smile on her lips. His head is pounding. What did I do? He stares at the ceiling, his stomach knotted with dread and regret. He consciously chose to have sex with Avery, he can’t blame alcohol for this one.

  For him, sex was an escape, his
pain fleetingly alleviated in the height of passion, only to come crashing down again moments later. But to Avery…this wasn’t about sex, he can see it in her eyes. This was a promise, a commitment.

  He closes his eyes, his heart sinking with understanding. There’s no turning back now, having sex with Avery has sealed his fate. His future is mapped out, engraved in stone, and it’s nothing like the one he’d envisioned with Julia.

  But he’s come full circle and has to accept the consequences of his actions. The woman beside him once carried his child and by inviting her back into his life, he’s accepted responsibility for her.

  Avery’s here to stay.

  Every single day Will tries to make peace with his choices. What if people are only allotted a certain amount of happiness in their lives? Maybe he used up his allotment of ‘happy’ with Julia. He has to make it work with Avery, and continually seeks common ground, some way to connect with her on an emotional level, but he’s coming up empty.

  In the beginning, he thought maybe sex would be enough to draw them closer. Avery initiates sex as often as possible, and during those first few weeks it was a relief to lose himself in the moment, but now he sees their behavior for what it is.

  A diversionary tactic.

  If they’re having sex, they don’t have to talk about anything of substance. Small talk was fine while they were friends, but now? It’s not enough.

  One weekend in early March, a freak storm hit DC, burying the city in four feet of snow. Will and Avery were trapped inside his townhouse for three days. The first day wasn’t so bad. They spent the day in bed, having sex, sleeping and eating.

  By noon on the second day, they needed to find other ways to spend their time. After two painful hours of listening to Avery babble about nothing in particular, Will suggested they retreat to the den and watch a movie marathon on television.

  On the third day, Avery stayed in the kitchen, talking for hours with friends on the telephone, while Will sat in the library, pretending to read a book, and wondering what the hell he was going to do next. I can’t spend my life like this!