What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  Maybe this storm was a blessing in disguise. Maybe Avery will realize their relationship has no foundation, and she’ll decide to end things. It has to come from her. Will can’t be the one to break it off.

  There’s nothing about their relationship that comes close to the level of intimacy, friendship and passion he shared with Julia. Will hasn’t dated a lot of women, but he knows what they had was special. Gabby called them soulmates, and he believes they are, if such a thing exists. And if that’s the case, he lost his soulmate and will never feel that way about anyone again. So, what he has with Avery, Will figures, is as good as it’s going to get for him.

  Avery didn’t end their relationship after their snowbound weekend and they never spoke of it again. But since then, she’s made sure they always have somewhere to go or something to do. Aided and abetted by his good friend Vodka, Will follows Avery’s lead. Over the past few months she’s reconnected him with old friends, people he wrote off years ago, and they travel to parties and go to the yacht club when they’re in Rhode Island.

  Will has his old life back. It’s not the life he would have chosen for himself, but he’s determined to make the best of things. Enough is enough. It’s time to stop wallowing in self-pity over what he can never have. He may not be in love with Avery, but he’s never alone. That’s got to count for something.

  He keeps in close touch with his father, calling him daily and visiting every other weekend. His dad was always a strong, vibrant man and watching him shrivel and shrink, and become dependent on his mother’s care has deeply affected Will. He wants to make his father proud, now more than ever. He needs to prove he’s grown into a responsible, respectable adult, just as his father hoped. He may not have much time left to do that.

  Avery’s with him on this latest trip to Rhode Island. She’s joined him a few times over the past four months, foregoing parties and other social events of importance to her, in order to support Will through this tough time. Whenever he’s down about his father, she’s there with a hug, a kiss, a little something to show she cares. In this regard, Avery’s been of some comfort to him.

  Compassion seems to be Avery’s strength. She sits with his father for hours doing crossword puzzles, relieves his mother of cooking duties so she can rest, and runs errands for the family if needed. These small kindnesses mean a lot to him.

  He knows he’s grasping at straws, but whenever she drags him to parties, or thinks about how little they actually have in common, he remembers the compassionate side of Avery, and it sustains him for the moment. Long enough for him to dispel any notion of running away.

  Today, after sitting with his dad for an hour, Will and Avery took a walk down to the water. His father has a few more sessions of chemotherapy before they start radiation and he tires easily. Will hardly recognizes him anymore.

  His mother has been amazing through all this. She’s quietly run their home and family since the early days of his parents’ marriage, but his father was the dominant personality. Not anymore. She’s a force to be reckoned with. She refuses to lose faith, conferring with the doctors about his treatments, doing her own research on the disease and alternative therapies.

  She keeps his father on a schedule, deals with the nurses, makes sure he’s fed, bathed, and medicated. His mother is fully in charge, and Will has to admit, he’s impressed. He honestly didn’t know she had it in her.

  “He doesn’t seem to be getting any better,” Avery says, massaging his back. “Your father wants to see you settled down, Will. Married, with children. I think that’d make all the difference to him, whether his health improves or god forbid, doesn’t.”

  Will sits on a rock and covers his eyes. He understands what Avery’s saying, has thought of that himself. But marry Avery? He can’t imagine standing before God and his family, pledging his life to her. He knows it’s the next step, but his stomach turns at the thought.

  What would life be like if he married Avery? Well…it’d be exactly like this, the same life he’s known for all but two years of his life. The happiest two years. It isn’t awful. They have ‘friends’ in common, and have a good time when they go out. What Will doesn’t understand is how he can still feel lonely when he’s constantly surrounded by people? He never felt lonely with Julia.

  Maybe this is my penance? He betrayed the woman he loves, now he must suffer. Ten Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers aren’t enough to wash away my sins. From the corner of his eye, he studies Avery sitting on the rock beside him, and tries to assess his feelings for her.

  Grateful is the word that comes to mind. He’s grateful for the compassion she’s shown him and his parents these past few months. He’s grateful to her for getting him out of the house again and back into the world. And what better way to make things right with Avery, to make amends for what he did to her so many years ago, than to marry her and give her a child?

  Chapter Seventeen

  Will proposes to Avery a few days before Independence Day. The irony is not lost on him. He took her out on his father’s boat, bought champagne and flowers, and knelt down and asked her to marry him in the moonlight.

  His proposal was thoroughly unoriginal, but Avery didn’t seem to mind. She had tears in her eyes when she said yes, but when she looked down at the ring he bought, he could tell she wasn’t thrilled. Quickly, before she even had the chance to touch it, he snapped the lid shut and lied. He said it was a family heirloom, a placeholder for the one she could pick out for herself the next day.

  Lying alone in his bed later that night Will took the ring out of its black leather box and studied it. He was drawn to it the moment he saw it. Set in an antique platinum setting, it’s about one carat in size with delicate flowers etched onto the sides. Holding it up to the light, his heart sinks as he realizes…I didn’t buy this ring for Avery, I bought it for Julia. He bought an engagement ring for a woman he can’t have.

  Will fell asleep with the ring in his hand, and dreamt he was back at Mount Vernon with Julia. They were lying on a blanket by a pond and she wore the white sundress she had on the night they met. The cherry trees were in full bloom and the sun warmed them as they lay together, watching the clouds float by.

  He slid the ring onto her finger, knowing in his heart they’re meant to be together. It felt so right. Julia’s face broke into a radiant smile, and with a gasp…Will woke up in a cold sweat, his breathing labored and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself back to sleep.

  Julia… Julia… don’t go.

  He wants to be back at Mount Vernon with Julia. It was so real, he could smell her, feel her.... But it was just a dream. Clasping the ring tightly in his hand, Will rolls over and cries into his pillow, finally understanding what he’s sacrificing marrying Avery. Joy. Love. Hope.

  But if I can’t have Julia, what difference does it make who I marry?

  Will can’t make eye contact with Ellie. He and Avery have just announced their engagement at the family party the night before the Fourth of July, and his sister’s mouth dropped open in shock or horror. Probably both. Ellie grabbed Kevin’s arm and for a moment Will thought she was going to faint. He never should’ve made this announcement before sharing the news with Ellie. The moment the words came out of his mouth he regretted his oversight.

  He knows what she’s going to say, and he doesn’t want to hear it. Ellie’s made her disapproval known the second she found out about them dating back in February. After a screaming match over the telephone, during which Ellie did ninety percent of the yelling, his sister refused speak to him for over a month, and even now will only talk to him if Avery isn’t around. Ellie hates his bride-to-be, and he wishes she’d leave the past where it belongs. That’s what he’s trying to do.

  Hoping to avoid a confrontation in front of his relatives, Will makes a plan. He figures as long as he remains by Avery’s side, he’s safe. Ellie won’t say anything in front of Avery, so that’s what he’s going to do. Stick to his fiancé like glue for the rest of the evening.

>   “Will! Avery! Wow! I don’t know what to say!” Ellie declares, as she and Kevin descend upon them.

  Ellie’s eyes are fixed on Will, her feelings a neon sign plastered across her forehead, and embarrassed, Will feels the heat rising from his neck to his face. She can’t do it, can she? Ellie can’t wish them well and save the lecture for later.

  Kevin is the polar opposite of his sister, the yin to her yang. Will knows Kevin doesn’t like Avery either, but he’d never show it. Ever the diplomat, he shakes Will’s hand and kisses Avery on the cheek, congratulating them. Will wants to shout, See Ellie! It can be done! Watch and learn from your fiancé!

  “Wow!” Ellie laughs. “Just…wow!”

  Avery’s eyes open wide and she clutches his hand, while Will clenches his jaw, praying she’ll stop. People are starting to stare. Their engagement is a joke in her mind, and Ellie does what she does best and makes a scene, laughing uncontrollably. Kevin tries to pull her away, but her fingers are a vice gripping Will’s arm, and she won’t let go.

  “Excuse us, Avery.”

  He grabs his sister’s arm and steers her around the corner, to the side garden, which is blessedly free of relatives. His parents decided to throw their annual party, despite his father’s health, and Will thought it would be the perfect setting to announce their engagement.

  What the hell was I thinking? He wasn’t, that’s the problem. This discussion should have happened pre-party so Ellie could get her ranting out of the way.

  “Am I dreaming, Will?” Ellie laughs, “Did someone slip me acid? Am I hallucinating? Jesus H. Christ! Please, someone tell me what the fuck is going on here!” she yells, her voice laced with hysteria.

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, El. To Mom and Dad! You’re embarrassing everyone and making a spectacle of yourself.”

  “This cannot be happening. Will, you can’t marry Avery! How can you even stand to be in the same room with that bitch after what she did to you and Julia? Are you fucking high?”

  “I’m a grown man. I make my own decisions. You need to butt out of this.”

  “I’m sorry, have we met? My name is Eleanor Kennedy, and you are…?” Ellie’s eyes grow sad, “You know I can’t butt out of this. I won’t keep my mouth shut when my twin brother is about to walk off a cliff!”

  He takes a seat on one of the stone benches in the garden, resting his head in his hands. He knows there’s nothing he can say to make this situation palatable to his sister, but he’s made up his mind.

  Kevin rounds the corner and joins them, rubbing Ellie’s shoulders. They’ve been engaged since Christmas and are getting married next month. Last year, Ellie sat their parents down and explained how much Kevin means to her and when she mentioned his race, she said they stared at her blankly for a moment, and then their father said, “Ellie, I didn’t raise my children to judge people by the color of their skin. If you love him, if he’s good to you and treats you the way you deserve…well, that’s all we could ask for.”

  He’d never discussed race with his parents, Bristol being the whitest town in America. Will wasn’t sure how they’d react to Kevin and was relieved when they welcomed him into the family. There’s been some talk in society circles, but his parents say if anyone has a problem with Kevin they can stay away, that other people’s ignorance isn’t their concern. Sometimes his parents really do surprise him.

  Ellie sits beside Will and takes his hand in hers.

  “Will, what are you doing? You don’t love her.”

  “Ellie you don’t know what I feel,” he says.

  “We shared a womb, remember? I know you’re not in love with Avery. I’ve seen you in love, and this ain’t it.”

  “Why would you do that?” He turns to her angrily, “I can’t have the woman I love, she’s gone! Don’t you get it? I’ll never have that again.”

  “I’m sorry, Will, I didn’t mean to pick the scab.” She strokes his arm, “Listen to me. You may not have Julia, but you could fall in love with someone else. I want that for you. Why would you settle for anything less?”

  He shakes his head and stares at their father, sitting in his wheelchair beneath a tree. He doesn’t expect Ellie to understand.

  “Don’t do this for Dad, Will.” He turns sharply, looking into Ellie’s eyes. “Marrying her won’t save him. Dad’s fate is in God’s hands, not yours.”

  “Be happy for me, Ellie, please.”

  ***

  There’s nothing like Bristol, Rhode Island on the Fourth of July. Julia’s hometown proudly hosts the oldest Independence Day parade in the country and it’s a big deal to pretty much everyone in town. Living there, it’s impossible to avoid getting swept up in the spirit of the holiday, unless you hibernate for the two weeks surrounding it.

  Every year she sits through three hours of marching bands and elaborate floats in weather ranging from blistering heat and oppressive humidity to freezing rain, and she wouldn’t dream of missing it.

  The Fourth of July Committee selects a Grand Marshall to preside over the festivities and hosts a contest to name the most patriotic house. People all over town decorate their homes with flags, red, white and blue bunting, and patriotic floral arrangements.

  A local pageant is held annually to select Miss Fourth of July and her Court, which seems strange to Julia, considering the reason for celebrating this holiday…independence from King George, freedom from the monarchy.

  In the ten days leading up to the parade, the town sponsors a different concert every night in front of Colt School, with music ranging from country music, polka, to classic rock, and folk. A little something for everyone. The Boston Pops play at Independence Park the night before the parade, with a grand fireworks display following the concert.

  The parade itself is televised and marching bands from all over the country participate. The street divider along the parade route is painted red, white and blue instead of yellow or white, and people who live along the four-mile route sit outside in lawn chairs nightly to watch thousands of people streaming into town for the festivities. To say it’s an experience would be an understatement.

  This is Julia’s first visit home since Christmas. She’s been in Bristol for two days and plans on staying the week. She’s been casually dating a musician from New York for a month or so. Ted’s tall and thin with long light brown hair, blue eyes, and a scruffy chin.

  He plays guitar in an alternative rock band that’s starting to get some traction, and takes his music very seriously. He seems to be moderately intelligent, but she honestly doesn’t care if he is or isn’t, she’s not dating him for his mind.

  Since Christmas, despite Gabby’s protests, Julia’s had a few purely sexual involvements. She’s done with emotional entanglements. Will cured her of that. She’s not interested in getting to know these men, they’re for pleasure only. As soon as she senses they want more from her, she breaks it off.

  Julia made the mistake of telling Ted about Bristol’s ‘famous’ parade. They were out with a group of mutual friends and someone asked what she was doing over the holiday. She described how unbelievably patriotic her hometown is and Ted said he had to see it for himself. He grew up in Queens and has never been to a Fourth of July parade. Every year his family has a cookout and sets off their own fireworks, that’s the extent of the celebration.

  Before she left for college, Julia assumed everyone celebrated Independence Day with as much fervor as her townspeople, but that’s definitely not the case. Over the years, many of her friends from New York have come to stay with her over the holiday and they’ve never been disappointed.

  Ted borrowed a friend’s car and drove in early this morning. Honestly, she’s surprised he showed up at all. He had a gig last night in New York City and apparently drove straight to Rhode Island after the show. She heard the knock on her mom’s door around five this morning and they got a couple hours sleep before they left for the parade.

  He’s only here for the day. His band has another s
how later tonight back in the city, and that’s plenty for her. Before today, their interactions were limited to sex, music, and dancing. Conversation? Not so much.

  Walking along the parade route, Ted’s amazed by the size of the crowds, the red, white and blue everything and, in his words, “over-the-top patriotism.” They’ve never discussed politics before, but she’s not surprised that he’s an anti-establishment, revolutionary kind of guy. She said if he’s a rebel, he should read up on John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin.

  “They could’ve been hung for spreading sedition against the Crown. They’re the ultimate revolutionaries.”

  “You’re such a dork,” he laughs.

  “Thank you, Ted,” she rolls her eyes, “I’m proud of my dorkiness.”

  Arm in arm they walk down the road, Julia scanning the crowd as they make their way down Hope Street and into the downtown district. The weather is closely watched in the days leading up to the parade, and today they’ve been blessed with the ‘perfect day,’ sunny, not too hot, low humidity.

  She’s wearing cut off jean shorts with a white ribbed tank top and Birkenstock sandals, her hair piled on top of her head in a loose bun. Ted looks like the rocker he is, in a faded black Pink Floyd t-shirt and tan cargo shorts, his hair pulled back in a ponytail.

  She’s surrounded by familiar faces, and friends from high school run up to her on the street and hug, making promises to stay in touch she knows they’ll never keep. She waves to scores more.

  “What are you? A local celebrity?” Ted asks.

  “Nah. This is small town America. Everyone knows everybody here.”

  When they reach Linden Place the crowd thins out a little. She always loved the mansion and the gardens surrounding it, even if it was built with blood money. It’s an impressive dwelling and Ted points to it as they approach.