What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

“Why, Jules?” Ellie shakes her head, “I don’t understand why you would keep Liam from his father!”

  “Not while Avery’s a part of his life. I don’t want her anywhere near my son, Ellie. She’s poisonous!”

  Ellie stares ahead at the kids playing together.

  “I can’t blame you for not wanting to expose Liam to Avery. She’s a bitch…but my brother! He wants a child so desperately…”

  “Ellie, look at me. If he finds out, I’ll disappear. I’ll take my son back to Europe to keep him away from that woman.”

  Ellie nods, rubbing her hands over her eyes. Liam, Aidan, Ryan, and Caitlin run toward them.

  “We’re hungry!”

  “I can order pizza,” Julia offers. “We live just down the road.”

  She wants to make sure Ellie understands that she’s serious. She’d disappear before she’d let Avery get anywhere near Liam.

  Later that evening, after the kids devoured their pizza, Julia sets them up in the living room to watch The Lion King.

  She pours the grownups a glass of wine while Ellie carries the plates into the kitchen, then sits across from her at the dining room table.

  “Will’s not the same person anymore.”

  “What do you mean?” Julia frowns and Ellie takes a sip of wine.

  “After he left you in Verona, he became a different person. It’s like something died in him. He’s cold, aloof. He won’t get close to anyone, even me.” Ellie shakes her head, “He shut me out, Jules. My twin brother hardly talks to me anymore.”

  “But you were so close…” Julia says, her eyes wide.

  “He’s a very unhappy person,” Ellie drinks her wine, her eyes brimming with tears.

  “I am so sorry to hear that.” She leans forward and takes Ellie’s hand, “I love him Ellie, I’ll always love him. It pains me to hear that, truly. He’s given me so much joy.” She looks at Liam and smiles, “I hope Will realizes he deserves happiness. He’s such a good man.”

  Ellie wipes her eyes and nods, “Me too.”

  They both sit back and watch the children. Caitlin and Ryan are asleep on the couch, and Liam and Aidan are lying on cushions on the floor together.

  “I won’t tell Will about Liam, though it breaks my heart to think of him missing out on his son’s life. Promise me you won’t keep him away from me, or his cousins.”

  “I promise, and Ellie…thank you.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, hugging Will’s sister to her, “You’re welcome here anytime.”

  Ellie has stopped by with and without the kids several times over the past few weeks. At first, Julia thought it’d be awkward spending time with Will’s sister, but that’s not the case. They were friends outside of her relationship with Will, and they are again. Last Friday, they enjoyed a child-free girls night out, laughing and talking into the early hours of morning.

  There hasn’t been time to make friends in the area, she’s only been back in the States for three months and is just getting settled in. So, other than the time Julia spends with the neighborhood moms at the park, she hasn’t made any real friends.

  Gabby lives in Mystic, Connecticut with her husband and has a thriving private practice. She’s always busy and Julia’s only seen her three times since her return, though they talk on the phone at least once a week. It’s nice to spend time with someone who understands her past and her present.

  Earlier today, Ellie stopped by on her way to the zoo, hoping Julia and Liam could join them on their latest adventure. Julia was frazzled, unsuccessfully trying to entertain Liam while doing research for an article. Her son wants to be outside, playing with other children and she’d love to oblige, but she can’t!

  He was driving her insane with his whining, before Ellie arrived on her doorstep like Mary Poppins, and magically made it all better. Ellie offered to take Liam so she could work without interruption for a few hours and Julia almost cried with gratitude.

  A couple of hours later, in need of her mid-afternoon caffeine pick me up, she walked to the neighborhood Starbucks, research packet in hand, and found a table tucked away in the corner where she could drink her coffee and begin to write her article.

  Thankfully, it was a short walk, it’s brutally hot outside today. I can’t imagine the kids will last much longer at the zoo in this heat, she thinks, picking up her phone to check in with Ellie. Before she dials, she catches a glimpse of a familiar face across the crowded room and freezes in her chair, her heart leaping in her chest.

  Sitting in one of the leather chairs by the fake fireplace, just a few yards away, is Will, reading the newspaper. Something so ordinary, something she’s seen him do hundreds of times in the past. But she’s never seen him read the paper wearing a ring.

  The glint of light reflecting off his wedding band hypnotizes her for several minutes.

  The last time she saw him, they were in bed in Verona. She closes her eyes, flooded with memories of their last night together, the night they made Liam…and the years she’s spent raising their child alone.

  Fueled with emotions ranging from love to anger, regret, shame, joy and concern, Julia rises from her chair, a woman possessed, and squeezes through the crowded coffee shop, until she’s standing beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder.

  Will looks up from the paper and almost spits out his coffee, their eyes meeting for the first time in almost six years. She can’t look away, no matter how hard her heart pounds against her ribcage, she’s in some sort of trance. I’m dreaming right now, she thinks. If I close my eyes he’ll disappear.

  “Hi,” she says, softly.

  Will rises and takes both of her hands in his, and her knees almost buckle beneath her.

  They return to her table and sit across from one another in awkward silence while Julia collects her papers, trying to think of something appropriate to say. I had your baby, Will. He just turned five. I’ve missed you so much. Why didn’t you come find me?

  She can’t say what she’s thinking, and although she knows the answer to this question, she asks, “How’s your father, Will? The last time we spoke his health was improving.”

  “You remember that?”

  “Of course I do.” Do I remember that? Doesn’t he know how much he meant to me? Still means to me? “Will, I remember everything about our time together.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  Will stares absently out the window and Julia studies him. He’s aged considerably and looks older than his thirty-two years. Unhappiness is a heavy cloak weighing him down. She can see why Ellie is so concerned about him.

  “Will, are you all right?”

  “No, Jules…I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time.”

  Is this somehow my fault? she wonders. Could I have helped him in some way? She wants to take away his sadness, wants him to be happy. But what can she do?

  “Come with me.” Julia rises and holds out her hand to him, “Come on. I’m driving your car.”

  For the next hour, they lay on the dock at India Point Park. She discovered this spot last week while on a walk with Liam. Julia eases naturally into the crook of Will’s arm and rests her arm around his waist, her head against his chest and listens to his heartbeat.

  His arms encircle her and she’s transported to a simpler time, when they were carefree kids lying on the dock at Rockwell Park.

  But time has passed and they aren’t the same people they were nine years ago. She can’t forget that, no matter how good…how right it feels to be in his arms again.

  “You have to look for the joy in life, Will,” she says against his chest. “Sometimes it’s the little things that get me through the day.”

  Just as she’s about to drift off, comfortable and safe in his arms, and wrapped in a fantasy about the road not taken, her cell phone beeps, jolting her back to the present.

  I’m a mother. Will is married to another woman.

  She sits up, and reads the text message from Ellie: We’re back. Where r u? Grateful for this dose
of reality, Julia types: Be there in 10.

  “I have to get going, Will.”

  He pulls her to her feet and tucks a curl behind her ear, just the way he used to, his fingers lingering against her cheek, sending shivers down her spine. She wants to kiss him, God how I want him!

  Their eyes connect for a long moment but she can’t do this. She can’t be the other woman. It takes all the strength she has to say no, slowly shaking her head. Will nods and they return to his car, tightly gripping each other’s hands.

  She doesn’t want to leave him, but she has to. His son is waiting for her at home. As he pulls into the parking lot, she swallows hard and tries to sound cheerful.

  “No goodbyes.” She leans in and kisses his cheek, “I’ll see you.”

  It’s a five-minute walk home, and she fights to keep her emotions in check, but as soon as Julia sees Ellie, she bursts into tears. She didn’t want to leave him. She never wants to leave him.

  Worried, Liam wraps his arms around her waist and tries to soothe her, which only makes her feel worse. What kind of mother am I? She tries to collect herself and kneels down to comfort him, but as soon as she looks into her son’s eyes she crumbles. He looks just like Will, she thinks, sobbing.

  Ellie grabs Julia’s keys and herds the kids into the playroom, then lifts Julia off the sidewalk and practically carries her into the house. She cries into a pillow on the couch and when she finally calms down, Ellie sits beside her, handing Julia a glass of wine.

  “What happened, sweetie?” Ellie asks.

  Her voice hoarse and chin trembling, Julia explains where she was and who she was with. Ellie’s mouth drops open, and her eyes light up with excitement. She wants to know every detail about Julia’s interaction with Will.

  “Did he open up at all?” Ellie asks.

  Julia nods, her eyes sad, “He’s so unhappy, Ellie. What happened to him?” She shakes her head thinking about the wrinkles around his eyes, and the creases on his forehead, “I couldn’t believe how old he looked when I first saw him. I didn’t want to leave him, El. I had to tear myself away. He’s my home, Ellie! When I’m with him, I’m home. How can I still feel like this after all of these years?”

  “You feel like this because you still love him. You two are meant to be together and that bitch stole your husband! It isn’t right. You know, since you told me about the abortion I have some understanding as to why my brother made this colossal mistake. What I don’t understand is what Avery gets out of it? A date on New Year’s Eve? Money? She buys whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants. But she has her own money so it doesn’t make any sense.”

  Julia lies back on the couch, exhausted.

  “Maybe she really loves him, Ellie. I loathe the woman, but I got the impression she cared about him in a warped way. Like she thought she’d be saving him from a life of banality by taking him away from me.”

  “Okay, one, that’s fucking twisted. Two, fuck her! I don’t give a shit if she loves my brother, Avery can suck it. My brother loves you, he wants you, and he deserves to be happy with you and Liam. Would you ever consider…?” Ellie sighs, squeezing her hand.

  “You really do have the filthiest mouth, El. Are you asking me if I’d have an affair with Will? If you hadn’t sent me that text message when you did, I would’ve brought him back here and made him forget all of his worries. But Ellie, I can’t be his mistress. As much as I want him, I have to keep Avery and their noxious relationship as far from me and Liam as possible. Why do you think I stayed in Europe all of those years? I missed home. I missed my family. And I missed Will… every day.”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pimp you out. I just want you two lovebirds to be together.”

  “If Avery were out of the picture I wouldn’t hesitate.”

  “Then we’re going to get her out of the fucking picture.” Ellie grins, a devilish gleam in her eye.

  Julia laughs for the first time today, “What do you suggest? Hit man? My Uncle Vinny on Federal Hill will do it for nothing!”

  “I wish!” Ellie giggles, “No, something’s got to give. She’s no saint. I’m going digging, and I’m going to find something.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Liam has caught an awful cold and it’s only the second week of school. He’s staying in Bristol with her mother while Julia teaches this morning, then she has to go home and tweak her article.

  She’s been working on this piece for weeks and she’s proud of her work, but between teaching and writing, she’s strung out. She has to get her article in by Friday and her parents agreed to keep Liam for the entire week so she can focus and get it done.

  Julia loves teaching and is grateful for the discount on tuition, but she’d love to take this week off. She doesn’t think that would make a very good impression with the Head of School.

  On this beautiful September morning, the sun is shining bright, while Julia’s in the middle of her first class, comparing the elements of American culture to foreign cultures. Some of her students have travelled extensively and they’re having a lively discussion when the middle school director walks into her room and pulls her aside.

  “I don’t want to alarm the students, but a plane crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. We think the plane may have flown out of Boston and we aren’t sure if anyone’s parents are involved.”

  “Oh my god.” Her eyes grow wide with horror.

  “Let’s keep it business as usual until we know more,” he whispers.

  “Where were we?” She turns to her students and forces a smile.

  Julia tries to focus on their discussion, but her thoughts are with the people in the World Trade Center and the plane passengers. What a nightmare!

  A few minutes before class is dismissed, the director comes back into her room. His face is pale, his eyes watery and the hairs on her arms stand on end.

  “Another plane crashed into the South Tower. Both towers are on fire.”

  She raises her hand to her mouth, and shivers. We’ve been attacked. One plane, a horrible accident. Two planes? This was planned.

  She lived in New York when a car bomb went off in the basement of the North Tower in 1993. Six people died and hundreds more were injured. That was deeply unsettling. This is a catastrophe.

  “We are contacting parents to pick up their children and cancelling classes for the rest of the day. Perhaps for the week. Check your email tonight.”

  Julia’s in shock. All students are directed to go to their homerooms and wait for further instructions, but since she works part-time and doesn’t have a homeroom, she’s free to leave.

  She walks out of the building, and looks up at the bright blue sky, not a cloud in sight. It’s a beautiful day, cool, dry, and sunny. Fall is around the corner, she can feel it in the air.

  And two hundred miles away her beloved New York is under attack. How many people will die before this day is over? She needs information and climbs into her car, tuning the radio to NPR.

  She checks her watch. It’s nine-thirty. Should she head home? Go to Bristol and be with her family? She’s in a daze, but feels the need to be around other people, and tries to remember what’s open at this time of day that would have a television. Bars are closed…

  The deli on South Main has a television! She pulls out of her assigned parking space.

  She wasn’t the first person to think of the deli. Dozens of people have stopped in to watch developing news, mostly businessmen and women who work downtown. It’s crowded, so she leans against the counter, her eyes mesmerized by the events unfolding on television.

  The reporter is interrupted, “Apparently a plane has crashed into the Pentagon. There are reports of a fire on The National Mall and we’re being told that the Capital building and White House are being evacuated.” Everyone in the deli gasps. This is insanity! Julia scans the room, noting the fear etched on every face.

  And then she sees him.

  Will is sitting at a table close to the televisio
n and she closes her eyes and sighs, filled with relief. He’s here. I need him and he’s here. He’s been in her thoughts day and night since she last saw him, three weeks ago at Starbucks.

  She’s been tormented with guilt, questioning herself and her choices. Has she done the right thing keeping Liam from Will all these years? Every time she looks at her son, she sees Will. Of course she’s always seen the resemblance, but over time the details of Will’s face had faded, and Liam has become separate from Will in her mind.

  Not anymore. Their resemblance is uncanny.

  She’s meant to see him today. This isn’t a coincidence. Julia doesn’t hesitate for a moment, and weaves through the crowded deli, until she’s by his side, her hand on his shoulder. Will’s eyes meet hers and he stands, gathering her into his arms, and she holds onto him tightly, breathes him in and sighs. Reluctantly, they release their embrace and Julia sits beside him.

  A few minutes later they watch in shock as the South Tower collapses. It disappeared in a matter of seconds, one hundred and ten stories, gone. The television screen turns black as the entire city is covered in a cloud of soot and ash, the bodies of the dead disintegrating. Her eyes are wide with fear and she buries her face in Will’s chest.

  How does a skyscraper collapse from fire in less than an hour? That’s not supposed to happen!

  Moments later there’s another newsflash. All planes have been grounded, but there are reports that a plane has crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. Reporters speculate that the intended target was the US Capital building.

  The world has turned upside down in the space of two hours.

  At ten-thirty Julia and Will watch as the North Tower collapses. How many people died in those buildings? Thousands of innocent lives lost in a senseless act of terror. She shakes her head, leaning into Will.

  “All of those people woke up this morning, maybe took a shower, ate some breakfast, got dressed and went to work. Like any other day. And now they’re just…gone.” She pauses, “Let’s get out of here. I can’t take anymore.”