What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  Death is all around them, she’s suffocating in the crowded deli. She needs fresh air, she wants to feel alive.

  Will follows her outside and they walk along the Providence River. At the end of the river walk, Julia hops up and sits on the stone wall, Will standing beside her, his arms folded, looking at the sky.

  “What are you thinking about?” She touches his arm. He turns to face her, and she can tell he wants to say something, can see the emotions flicker across his face.

  “Nothing,” he says a moment later, shaking his head and turning away from her.

  She could leave it at that, but she has something she wants to say to him. In light of today’s events it seems foolish to keep it to herself. Who does it serve?

  “Now that’s a lie. I’ll start.”

  Julia takes Will’s left hand in hers, touches his wedding band, and tugs it off his finger. His eyes grow wide but he doesn’t stop her. She holds it in her hand for a moment, feeling the weight of the platinum band that legally binds him to another woman.

  “I’d love to throw this in the river right now.” She carefully slides it into the pocket of his pants, and gazes into his eyes. “I love you, Will. I know I shouldn’t say that. I understand your situation, but after today,” her eyes fill with tears and she shakes her head in disbelief, “I just want you to know that you’re loved. You’re never alone, because you’re always in my heart.”

  Will closes his eyes, his face transforming before her. He smiles, takes a deep breath and pulls her close to him, covering her mouth with his. They kiss with such passion and longing... When they come up for air, his hands are tangled in her hair and his eyes are searching her face. She’s flushed, breathless, her body burning with desire.

  “I’ve always loved you, Julia,” he kisses her again, gently now.

  “Will… come home with me.”

  He nods, lifting her off the stone wall and into his embrace, then follows her home and sits in her driveway to make a phone call. Julia doesn’t care who he’s calling, as long as he walks through that door when he’s done.

  She sweeps through the living room, picking up as many toys as she can and shoves them into the playroom, closing the door behind her. There’s no way she can hide the fact that she has a child, there are photographs of Liam everywhere, drawings framed on the wall and hanging on the refrigerator.

  She isn’t sure what she’ll tell him, but right now she doesn’t care. As the awful events of today have proven, life is too short. Julia wants Will here with her.

  She opens the front door, pulling him into the house and removes his suit jacket, loosens his tie and begins to unbutton his shirt. She needs to feel his skin against hers. Quickly, Will unbuttons her blouse, and unzips her skirt, the fabric falling to her feet.

  Julia leads him upstairs to her bedroom in her bra and panties. Does he see the stretch marks? The subtle roundness of my stomach? She’s close to thirty, not the twenty-one year old girl he first made love to. She sits on her bed and unbuckles his belt, removing his pants and he kneels down, wrapping his arms around her, his head pressed against her chest.

  “Will?” Julia pauses, running her fingers through his hair, “We don’t have to do this.”

  “I want to.” He turns his face to her, “I’ve never stopped loving you Julia. Not for one second of one day. I don’t know how everything got so screwed up, but I want to be here with you. There’s no place I’d rather be.”

  “I don’t have any expectations.” She leans down and kisses him, “I just want to love you.”

  If there was ever any doubt in Julia’s mind they were made for one another, they’re gone forever. Their bodies fit together perfectly, two pieces of a puzzle, and bring each other such intense pleasure. She’s never experienced anything close to this with any other man. Only Will.

  “Jules, you’ve brought me back to life.”

  “Baby, you were alive, just not living. There’s a difference. I’m so sorry you’ve been unhappy all of these years.” She wraps her arms around him and kisses his neck.

  “What about you?” Will reaches for a pillow, propping himself up in her bed, “You haven’t told me anything about your life.”

  She rests her head on his chest and stares at a picture of Liam on her dresser. What should I tell him?

  “It’s been busy...”

  Will is waiting for her to elaborate, but she doesn’t know what to say. She won’t tell him Liam is his son, not unless he leaves Avery.

  “That’s it? Busy?”

  She sits up and reaches for the framed photograph on her nightstand. The light in the room is dim, it’s after six-thirty and the sun will be setting soon.

  “Will, I have something to tell you,” she whispers, and pauses, “I have a son.”

  Will blinks several times, not comprehending, and with a start his eyes open wide.

  “What?” his voice is hoarse, “Are you married?”

  “No, I’ve never been married.”

  She hands him the photograph and Will holds it inches from his face. This picture was taken of them when Liam was two. They’re both in profile and she doesn’t think he’ll see the resemblance.

  “What’s his name? How old is he?” Will turns to her, astonished.

  She wants to tell him Liam is his, but she just can’t, so she does something she swore she would never do. She lies to Will.

  “His name is Liam. He’s four years old.”

  Will nods, running his finger over the photograph, staring at it intently.

  “Who’s his father?”

  “Someone I met in Italy.” Julia swallows hard and looks down at her hands, “He’s never been part of the picture.”

  “Where is Liam tonight?”

  “He’s staying with my parents this week.” She takes a deep breath and sighs. He doesn’t seem to suspect Liam is his son. “Tonight he’s at my moms. I’m supposed to be working on an assignment, but I don’t think deadlines apply anymore.”

  “What’s he like? Liam?”

  “He is the light of my life,” she smiles. “He’s a precocious little boy, smart, sweet. A cuddlebug. He loves trains and baseball.” She turns toward Will and he’s smiling. “When I taught at the American School I’d take him out to the playground during lunch and we would watch the kids playing baseball. He was fascinated and has been obsessed since. I’m going to take him to Cooperstown sometime this year.”

  “I’ve always wanted to go there. The Baseball Hall of Fame. Is he a Sox fan?”

  “Of course!” she smiles.

  “I’d love to meet him.”

  “You will.” Julia touches his cheek. He’s in conflict right now, she can see it on his face. “Hey,” she whispers. “What’s the matter?”

  “I wish I could go back in time.” His eyes are sad, his face serious, “I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.”

  Tears fill her eyes. There are so many things she wishes she could change. She set these events in motion by not trusting him. She should have had faith in him.

  “We both made mistakes, this isn’t all you’re doing. I shouldn’t have turned you away. We wouldn’t be where we are now if I had just believed in us.” She kisses his lips and he holds her to him, “For that, I am so sorry.” She runs her hand down his chest, “While you’re here, you’re mine. I don’t care about the rest. If this is all we can have, a night here and there, I’ll take it. It’s better than not being with you at all.”

  “Jules, I just want to be with you. I can’t live like that anymore. I don’t feel guilty being here. We belong together.”

  His hand caresses her face, and he runs his fingers down her body, his hand coming to rest on her stomach.

  “You had a baby in there.” Will shakes his head. “I had a dream you were pregnant once…a few months after I last saw you…you looked so beautiful…”

  Julia’s heart stops. He dreamt I was pregnant when I was carrying Liam? Will moves his hand in a circular motion around her abd
omen.

  “Julia…I feel another sin coming on.”

  “Another one?” She raises an eyebrow. Will nods and rolls on top of her, kissing her deeply. “Ah… this is why they invented confession, I get it now.”

  Will smiles and she wraps her legs around him.

  “Jules, we’re going to keep those priests busy.”

  Close to eight o’clock, Julia runs downstairs for food and water. This whole day has been surreal. Will is in her bed, after all these years, and her country is under attack. She wonders what’s going on in New York, Washington, DC and god only knows where else, but she doesn’t want to break the blissful spell they’re under by turning on the television. She knows she’s in denial, trying to keep reality at bay. It’s just too awful…so many innocent lives snuffed out.

  She wants to check on Liam before he’s asleep for the night, but suspects she missed that window. Julia picks up her cell phone to call her mother and sees she’s missed three calls and has two voicemails from Ellie.

  What’s going on? She listens to the first message.

  “Jules, it’s Ellie. Is Will there with you? I’ve been trying to reach him all afternoon but his phone is off. He called me earlier this morning and asked me to watch his dog for the next few days...He wouldn’t tell me who he’s with so I’m taking a chance here. If he’s with you, please have him call me.”

  Her brow furrows and she presses the button to listen to the next message. Ellie wouldn’t call here looking for Will unless something was very wrong.

  “Jules, it’s me again. It’s an emergency. We haven’t heard from Peter all day. We can’t get through to his cell, and he hasn’t called anyone in the family. If Will is there, and dear Lord I hope he is, please have him call me.”

  Julia looks at the time the last message was received. Ellie called an hour ago. She runs up the stairs.

  “Will, where’s your phone?”

  “In the car, why?”

  “Ellie left two messages on my phone. She’s been trying to reach you all day.” He’s visibly confused. “It’s about Peter.”

  ***

  Will’s heart stops. Peter? He didn’t call Peter this morning because his brother is on vacation this week, and then he saw Julia and... My brother is supposed to be on Martha’s Vineyard with Sloane. What’s going on? Surely someone has been in touch with Sloane. He pulls on his pants and undershirt and runs to his car, grabbing his cell phone.

  Julia is waiting for him downstairs on the couch and his hand shakes as he presses the power button and turns his phone on. When he called Ellie earlier to ask her to watch Max, she was her inquisitive self, wanting to know who he was with, but he evaded her questions, turned off his phone and left it in his car, not wanting anyone to disturb his time with Julia.

  Oh my god. He’s missed thirteen calls, most from his sister, a few from his parents.

  Not one from my brother.

  He calls Ellie immediately and she picks up on the first ring.

  “Where the fuck have you been? Will, no one has heard from Peter today. He hasn’t called anyone.” His sister’s voice is panicked, her breathing rushed.

  “Ellie, take a deep breath.” He runs his hand through his hair, “Pete’s on vacation this week. Has anyone heard from Sloane?”

  “Yes, she’s on the Vineyard. She’s been in touch with Mom and Dad all day. She’s freaking out. He flew back to New York last night. He had to go back to the city for an early meeting this morning, and was supposed to fly back to the island this afternoon.”

  Will closes his eyes, and can feel the blood draining from his face, his heart sinking. No. There has to be a reasonable explanation why his brother hasn’t called. Where could he be?

  “Has anyone tried his office?”

  “Of course, we couldn’t get through.”

  “The phone lines are jammed in New York.” He rubs his hand over his eyes, “He might not be able to get through to anyone today. There’s nothing we can do tonight, Ellie. If we haven’t heard from Peter by noon tomorrow then we need to make a plan. I’ll drive to New York and find him myself.”

  “Okay. Keep your phone on. And tell Jules I said hello.” Ellie hangs up and he stares at his phone.

  What the hell?

  “Ellie said to say hello...?” He turns to Julia, confused, “How could she possibly know I’m here? We haven’t talked about you in years.”

  “Will, what’s going on with Peter?” Her eyes are filled with concern.

  “I don’t know what to think.” He leans back on the couch, “He doesn’t work downtown. They said on the radio earlier that so many people have been trying to reach family and friends in the city and can’t get through. Something about the cell towers not being able to handle the volume of traffic.”

  “That makes sense. He should be able to reach you tomorrow.”

  “Yes…” he pauses. “Julia, how could Ellie possibly know I’m here?”

  “I bumped into Ellie a couple of months ago. She’s been here a few times with the kids since then. She took Liam to the zoo the day I saw you at Starbucks and I told her we had coffee together. I guess she put two and two together?”

  He nods his head. He’s not surprised Ellie didn’t tell him she saw Julia. They don’t tell each other much anymore.

  “You know, she misses you, Will. She said things haven’t been good between you two in years, but she never told me why.”

  “I miss her too,” he sighs. “It’s a very long story. Another time, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  Peter is missing? Manhattan must be chaos today, but wouldn’t he be able to reach someone…somehow? Email? Text message? He doesn’t have a good feeling about this. He’s trying to stay calm, but he’s scared. He’s absolutely terrified something horrible has happened to his brother.

  “Let’s see what’s going on now,” Julia says, turning on the television, then grabs the blanket from the back of the couch and throws it over them.

  Will turns to her, so thankful they found their way back to one another.

  “I love you, Julia,” He holds her face in his hands and can see his love reflected in her eyes. Nothing feels better than loving someone with your whole heart, and knowing they feel the same for you. His heart is swelling with emotion, his eyes brimming with tears.

  “Always,” she smiles, then reaches out and touches his face. “Will, if you go to New York tomorrow, I’m going with you. I want to help.”

  “Thank you, Jules. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

  They are quiet while the President addresses the nation. “Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. The victims were in airplanes or in their offices. Secretaries, businessmen and women, military and federal workers. Moms and dads. Friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror.”

  He pulls Julia close to him, his eyes fixed on the television. “This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.”

  “Will, we live in a nation at war.” Julia wipes her eyes. “How do we fight a war against terror? Who are we fighting exactly? Some fundamentalist group scattered around the globe?”

  He shakes his head. It does seem hopeless.

  “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind…my Gram used to say that. No one wins when revenge is the goal. Yet something has to be done…”

  Will holds onto her tightly. His country is at war, his brother might be a casualty, and he’s sitting beside the love of his life. He’s not alone anymore. He can never go back to the life he was living before today.

  They stayed up well past midnight. He asked to see more pictures of Liam and Julia pulled out a couple of photo albums. They we
nt through the photographs together and he studied each one intently, memorizing each picture, imagining he was there with them while Julia shared stories about their lives in Italy.

  “Liam is a well-travelled little man. Been all over Europe and speaks two languages.”

  “He speaks two languages?” he asks, amazed.

  “Kids are sponges. They pick up languages so much faster than adults when they’re immersed in the culture. It took me at least six months to learn Italian, and I wasn’t fluent by any means. Now I am.”

  “Where was he born?”

  “Verona.”

  “You stayed in Verona?”

  “I went back there when I was pregnant. I wanted to be there for so many reasons,” she looks into his eyes, “I thought about you all of the time, Will. You were with me throughout my pregnancy, on the day he was born, and every day since. You are a part of me.”

  “I’ve tried so hard to forget you Julia, to accept my life as it is, but not a single day has passed that you haven’t cross my mind. My wedding day was one of the worst days of my life. I felt like a fraud. Pretending to be happy, to be in love. I remember walking to the water and wondering where you were. What you were thinking about, if you ever thought about me.”

  “Now you know.” Julia clasps his hand, “I thought of you every single day.”

  “Ellie didn’t go to the wedding.” He lies back on her bed, “That’s what happened between us. She said she couldn’t watch me ruin my life. She was right. I made a huge mistake.”

  “Will, I’ve always known you didn’t marry her for love. You married her to pay for your sin.” Julia places a finger under his chin, turning his face toward her, “I think you’re paid in full. It’s time to stop punishing yourself.”

  “I agree. Now I have to get out of this mess.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Something’s different. Julia begins to stir, her eyes slowly opening. She’s not alone in her bed. She feels Will’s arms around her and she runs her hand along his chest. She isn’t dreaming, he’s really here. She grins ear to ear and looks into his eyes.